DaisyBuchanan

I'm new here. I've been with my abf for 2 years now. He binges about once a week, sometimes every two weeks. He has a few drinks, and he can't stop. He continues to drink, and he rarely comes home until the next morning. When he does come home, I go off on him. I can't help it. I'm so angry and hurt by it, and at the time it feels like I'm getting it all out. In the end, it doesn't resolve anything. He knows he F'ed up. He knows he needs help. He knows he hurts me. He hates himself, and yet the cycle continues.

How am I supposed to react? I've been reading the sticky posts, and it says that I should just pretend I'm not bothered by it. I don't understand that reaction. Wouldn't that just give him my blessing to do whatever he wants??!!

How do you all react to your abf's or ah's binges? I want to help him. I don't want to be doing anything that is counterproductive to his sobriety.

Thanks:ghug *Hugs to all of you*

ANGELINA243

You can't get him sober. He must seek help for himself when he is ready. You can point him in the right direction--but he must make the decision on his own. (You can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink--or not drink, in this case.) He needs to find/talk to other people who understand what he is feeling/going through. If you plan on staying by his side, then Al-anon would be able to help you understand what's going on with you/how to handle matters concerning him>but it will focus mainly on you--you have to take care of yourself. You didn't cause his drinking problem, and you won't be able to cure it.

harleygirl92156

You make it clear by your actions that he has hurt you, that in turn makes him feel bad about himself, the guilt grows, the pain grows, the self-esteem crashes, he seeks alcohol to numb the pain........the cycle continues.

How do I know this.........I WAS YOU! to a tee!

I understand your question about acting like it doesn't matter to you.........that is your interpretation of what you have read on here.

I believe you don't have to act like it doesn't matter, it matters and you shouldn't stuff your feelings. It is HOW you handle those feelings that are important.

For me the main things are, never engage a drunk/drinking person, allow them to make their own choices, don't try and manipulate them, take care of yourself, live YOUR life, don't base your self worth on their actions. I am sure that isn't all, but it is a good start. Start with that if you can and if at all possible get to some Alanon meetings, they could be a life saver for both of you.
God Bless hon, I understand your pain.

i4getsm

I'm still learning, but my advice would be to look at your life and clearly understand what you can deal with and what you can't. Then set up boundaries with him (i.e. decide what would be your plan if he does X). It's not that you act like you don't care. It's that if he does X, you'll do Y. No arguing, no blaming...just a simple decision.

Trust me, I am right there with you in wanting to scream bloody murder when they drink and stay out late. Been there, done that. BUT, in the end, all that yelling did absolutely NOTHING to change the fact that my STBXAH was going to drink. Until the consequences of his actions were enough to change his mind, he is/was going to drink. In my case, I thought he'd hit the bottom, but after about 6 months of sobriety, he went back to drinking, and we're now getting divorced. Start looking at YOU and deciding what YOU want.

Edited to add: Your plan does not have to be "I'm leaving". There are lots of things in between. I believe there are a few posts about boundaries that might help you.

prodigal

You react to his binge drinking. He continues to drink.

You pretend your not bothered by his binge drinking. He continues to drink.

React to what he is doing. He continues to drink.

He IS doing whatever he wants, regardless of what you do.

So what does that leave? That leaves you to deal with yourself; not him. He's going to drink as long as he wants to drink. His drinking is none of your business. Why? Because he goes out and does it regardless of how you feel about it. He doesn't think HIS drinking is YOUR business, does he?

I would suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings in your area. It is suggested that you try six meetings in order to see if it's a good fit for you. You can also get into counseling. Keep posting here in SR.

My AH doesn't have binges. He's drunk all of the time. He manages to keep his blood alcohol level high enough to make it through a day of work. Weekends? As a rule, he starts drinking Friday night, passes out, comes to, drinks more, passes out, comes to .... etc.

How do I react? I don't. It's not my business if he chooses to drink himself into oblivion or to death. His choice. I go to church. I take online college classes. I have a job for the time being in retail, so I usually work evenings and weekends. I don't discuss AH's drinking with him in any way, shape, or form.

Why keep trying to have a sane, rational conversation with an active A? It's nothing more than an exercise in futility and frustration. One of the looniest things AH ever said to me was (when he was half-bagged, as usual): "I know I have a drinking problem."

Yeah, you know, I know, and the rest of the universe knows. So what? I tend to my side of the street; that's all I can do. I don't hate my AH, I don't try to get inside his head, and I don't interfere with his alcoholism. Period.

steve11694

you may wish to think about the pro's vs the con's. Love at what price is the question?

the thing is (as others on this forum will attest to), is an active addict really cannot love anything except the substance. typically their actions and behaviors are a way to manipulate the enabler(s), you in this case.
My wife became alcoholic after a few years and too recall the "all night out" stuff. Our cell phones were on a family plan so I saw her call records for those nights. It was absolutely bizarre. Constant, multiple to/from calls from several numbers. I later came to learn there are networks of alcoholic people/friends that engage in the same behavior. At first I too was very upset.

As family, friends, and loved ones, we need to decide what/how much we are wiilling/able to put up with and lay down the "law" aka "boundaries and consequences for breaking them. We must be firm in following through with consequences for breaking boundaries. If we are not, the alcoholic will simply walk all over us(more than they already do)

sunshine321

I too have the same problem. ABF stays out all night on a binge and doesn't come home until the next morning or maybe another day later. I have been dealing with this for two years about once a week. I am in Al-Anon and I don't say a word about him staying out all night. I have told him when he is sober that I find it unacceptable that he doesn't come home. I recently told him he needs to decide whether he is in a relationship or if he wants to be a bachelor because his behavior is of a bachelor.

The last binge was the night before my daughter's birthday party. We were having a family party (his and mine) and he never showed up the next morning to help me prepare for brunch. Our families were expecting him to be there and when they showed I just told the truth. I said I didn't know where he was. After speaking to another AA member who is a friend of mine, he suggested that the only reason why he would stay out all night (in my case) is because he is doing more than drinking. After thinking about what he was saying it made sense. He suggested that I insist he take a drug test when he came home. I did insist. It did come out that he was using (much to my dismay and surprise) and I said in no uncertain terms will I or my children live with a drug addict. Illegal drugs are too much for me to accept. I set my boundaries. If he stays out all night just one more time, I will be making arrangements to leave. I can't control what he does, but he can have a consequence to his actions. The trick was that I had to mean what I said. If it's an empty threat, it means nothing. And I do mean it. So far he hasn't left and he volunteered to get himself in a program. Will it stick? Who knows. But for now I know the path I have chosen and I have to see it through. I'm not saying that you should do the same. What I am saying, is if you want the behavior to stop, you need to set boundaries and then stick to them no matter what. You just need to figure out what those boundaries are going to be. Good luck. I know this is a hard situation.

J

cen616

As said by others here, your anger will not change his behavior. Your lack of anger won't change his behavior, either.

But, the way I see it, the point is not to act as if his actions don't bother you, it's to reach a point where they don't (i.e., accept what you can't change) or to take the appropriate action for YOURSELF because his actions DO bother you (i.e., change what you can).

The only thing you can control is your own situation. If you really can't live with the binges, that might mean ending the relationship or altering it in some way to give yourself distance. If you can live with the binges, then what purpose does the anger serve?

You won't control him. You can't control him. That's just a fact.

LostGuy

I also never understood how to detach when my wife really crossed the line (she was drunk every night, but I'm talking about those really "special" times). How do you detach when your spouse blows the bill money, or loses a job, or ends up in the hospital because of drinking. Those things affect you too. How can it not be your business? The only way I knew to detatch was to leave her, and I put that off for ten years because I loved her so much, and felt she had a "disease." In sickness and in health, right? Is that decision what makes me codependent? I'm also new here, and struggle with these concepts.

FormerDoormat

Well, since you asked....

Most women would walk away from a man who stays out all night.

Most women would see a big red flag waving when their partner indulges in binge drinking, as that means he's likely an alcoholic.

Most women would focus their time and energy on finding a healthy, responsible, and sober partner and not wonder how they should go about supporting (i.e., attempting to change) a partner who isn't a partner at all.

Most women would not need to post questions like these on a forum like SR. They would walk away at the first sign of trouble.

But you and I are not most women. The question I had to answer for myself is not how should I react, but why didn't I take action to remedy the situation? Why did I want to pursue a relationship with a man who disrespected me? And why did I settle for so little?

Barbara52

I hear the "in sickness and in health" bit in here now and then as someone explains why they stay with their A. A legit way of looking at it. Up to a point.

Another part of those wedding vows was to "love and honor, putting the needs of the wife/husband ahead of everything" or something along those lines. The way I see it, every single A breaks those vows every single time they decide to take another drink, to put their need for alcohol above the needs of their spouse. It sure ain't love by any rational sense of the word!

Yes, my STBXAH has the disease of alcoholism. I pray that someday he will deal with that. But his alcoholism does not justify any of his crappy behaviors, does not justify his emotional withdrawal, does not justify choosing to remain unemployed for almost 3 yrs now, does not justify using me financially, emotionally or any other way. He broke our marriage vows long before I decided I had no choice but to leave him

abcdefg

Oh, wow. Everyone's posts on this are GOLDEN. Daisy, I hope you can take in the wisdom offered here. It really will help (YOU).

I wanted to make this one comment about detachment:

It's my experience that there is a huge misconception that detachment means I am no longer affected by what the A is doing.

That's not how detachment works for me.

Detachment for me is about stepping back or to the side so that I can find some clarity about my own needs, feelings, situation. In our Al-anon lit, it says the people closest to the A are affected most and I certainly relate to that. Detachment for me can come as a by-product of genuine acceptance that I am powerless over another or their disease. And it can come as a by-product of learning the facts -- like don't try to argue with someone under the influence, it's pointless. It can come by seeing the reality of the disease and the part I play in it -- and then ceasing to play that part.

Detachment was not an easy concept for me to grasp. I now know that's because I had to do a bunch of work in my steps before it was even possible for me to attempt it.

steve11694

And God bless YOU for hanging around ten years. Guess we all know what love is huh?

Freedom1990

That was the 10 million dollar question for me. When I left the alcoholic/addict husband, I still refused to look at why I choose him in the first place.

That resulted in another 12 long years of picking out unhealthy relationships with men. Oh, I rationalized that they weren't beating on me like he did, they weren't doing drugs like he did, yada yada yada.

The truth of the matter is they were emotionally unavailable at best, and emotionally abusive at worst.

My man picker was broken, and until I acknowledged that and started working on self and believing I deserved better, I kept making the same mistake over and over.

Chrysalis123

What did you do to teach yourself that you deserved better?

Freedom1990

What I had to do was look at why I always had to 'hook' all my feel-goods off of a man. I had terrible insecurities, thought I was nothing without a man, and had a horrible fear of being by myself.

In the process of doing a 'fearless moral inventory', I discovered I wasn't the horrible person that I thought I was. I could look at the good, and I could also work on the 'negatives' to make myself a better person.

I made a commitment to myself that no matter how uncomfortable I got, I was going to stay out of relationships and nurture myself.

My pattern for so many years was to seek out that knight in shining armor when I was at my lowest, and wanting someone to rescue me.

It took a long time and a lot of hard work, but it was so worth it. Today, I am comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel incomplete without a man in my life anymore.

lillianrivers

Wow, Doormat! At first that post started to make me feel like crap, but then I got to the bottom and felt so much less alone than I did before. I know there are other women out there doing the same thing I/we are doing, but all I ever hear is my friends telling me that I'm with a loser who will never change and I need to let go. I almost feel like a 29 y/o little kid when I say stupid stuff like, "but I don't want to get divorced!" It's almost like "I don't want to go inside cause it's getting dark out." LOL!

Sadly, I "know" what the right choice is in my situation, but it is scary as hell! I mean, it's not just me...my past, present, and future choices completely impact the lives of four innocent children. The last time I kicked him out, they did not take it well at all! But, from reading some of the posts on here, it seems that I should just explain that it is the alcohol I'm "leaving" not "daddy." (Paraphrased, of course, with own additions.) They already hate alcohol as it is, cause they know it's why Daddy stays out all night, or even worse, why he screams at Mommy in the middle of the night. Especially my older two, from my first marriage. My ex didn't have as much "issues" with drinking until after we split, but it has still affected them horribly. Hell, our daughter got molested at his house when she was 7 cause he was drunk and smoking pot in his room during a "small party." I don't know how many times I told him, "you only have them FOUR days a month, can't you stop screwing around with booze THAT long?"

Now, I'm putting them directly into the situation that I claim to hate. Don't get me wrong, I've done my share of heavy drinking and don't mind drinking Wild Turkey 101 myself, but I do it like once every two months or more, not weekly, sometimes daily!

LostGuy

This is brilliant!!! As of Monday, the six month waiting period (in Louisiana) for me to get a divorce is over. Between my wife's drinking and infidelity, I know I have to go through with it for my own sanity. But it kills me because I love the person that she is apart from these things. Your comment really puts things in perspective for me, and I am sure I will be thinking about it when I go to the courthouse next week. Thank you!!!

FormerDoormat

Lillian, Alanon and daily visits to SR gave me the strength I needed to walk a healthier path--for me and my daughter. If you haven't done so yet, why not start a new thread and introduce yourself and share a bit of your story? The experience, strength, and hope people with share with you in response will bring you much comfort and strength.

Welcome to the forum.

queenteree

Prodigal - I'm printing out this post and keeping it in my wallet! You are an inspiration. I take it you are w/your AH? If you are, how do you handle any confrontation that may come you way by him, i.e., if he wants to hug and kiss you, go out to dinner w/you, etc.? Your post is exactly what I'm trying to do, but sometimes it throws me a curveball. Thanks again!