abcdefg

This afternoon I learned that someone I sponsor has gone out.

This sponsee is in both programs and I have been her Al-anon sponsor for almost three years. She has a different sponsor for her other program.

The net result is that I will have to terminate our sponsor/sponsee relationship. I can't help her at all with her sobriety. I'm not an A and that's her primary program and without that recovery, there's no point in trying to deal with her Al-anon program.

The moment of indisputable clarity was when she told me, "I'm not sober and I'm not sure I want to be."

My sponsor and I discussed it at some length. I've cried a lot. Tonight I went to a meeting and shared at the group level, which lifted me.

I am really, really sad about it.

I know what must be done. I admit my powerlessness and that I MUST step out of the way. I do not doubt this at all and I thank god I have the clarity & humility of my recovery to know that much. The recovery means I don't have to be insane about any of this.

It's just that knowing all of this doesn't make me any less sad. Or angry. I get to have my feelings about it. I'll have to fake gratitude for that right now but fake it I will.

I am very tired. I'd love to hear some support about this if anyone has experience, strength and hope.

Freedom1990

There is a special bond between sponsor/sponsee. It does hurt to see a sponsee relapse.

I often ask God for guidance when it comes to working with my sponsees, and then I do what is put in front of me, and leave the results up to God.

We no longer have Alanon in our tiny town, so I do rely on an Alanon forum for my codependency issues. I attend AA for my ongoing recovery from alcoholism. I am blessed in that my sponsor is hard core Alanon and AA.

We do the best that we can, and really, that's all that God asks of us.

I have no doubt another sponsee will come into your life when the time is right. In the meantime, it's okay to grieve the loss of a special bond you had with your sponsee. Be gentle with yourself, and keep her in your prayers :ghug2

DesertEyes

Hey there abc

I'm a double winner, AA and al-anon. I also hang around the ACoA and ISA crowd, and am active in an online group for Friends and Family of Eating disorders. So that makes me what? Quintuple winner? * lol *

It always hurts when somebody gives up and goes back to their addiction. It hurts because I _care_. I am a person that has empathy for others, and that is the result of recovery. If I didn't hurt, then I would be self-centered and uncaring. So if you're hurting, it shows you are a good person. It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things to take care of you.

From the other side of the "fence", my recovery from chemical addictions comes _first_. There's no point in working on my addictions to control if my brain is sloshed. If I can't stay away from booze, how ever am I going to stay away from meddling in other peoples' lives? Anybody who tried to sponsor me in any other fellowship would just be enabling me.

Last month one of the guys in my group went back out. Got loaded for a few days and then killed himself. A lot of people wondered if they could have done more. If they could have said or done something to reach him. The answer is always "no". Recovery is not about reaching others. It's about reaching ourselves and as a result of that becoming an example for others to follow. The only person I can save is _me_, and that rule applies to everybody else as well.

There's been times when life dumped on me in a major way. I chose to follow the suggestions of recovery and get on the phone, go to lots of meetings, spend time with people that have lives I admire, and all the other things they tell us to do. I survived those dark times in my life. Not because anybody said or did anything _for_ me, but because _I_ did something for me.

You have been an example for countless others. _That_ is what being a sponsor is supposed to be. It's not about what you do for others, it's about what you show others about yourself. What _they_ choose to do with your example is totally in _their_ control.

You've done good, abc, very good.

Mike

Pick-a-name

I'm sorry to hear about your sponsee and also about your pain.

I would like to say "thank you" for sharing this. I needed to hear exactly this today. I was with exAH some this weekend (our son was in town visiting for his birthday) and I am feeling very sad and tired today,too. I have not felt this low in a long time (good and bad news ) He was "good" most of the time and that sometimes is harder for me to deal with...ha.

Hugs and prayers to you and your sponsee. I hope that she will return to her recoveries and be in a more willing place.

abcdefg

Thank you to everyone who has sent support.

Mike, I appreciate you sharing about your experience. This disease sucks. And thank you for the pat on the back and this specific reminder that I can only be an example in recovery. The truth is, I am a walking 12th Step -- if you want what I have, do what I did to get it.

I can offer experience, strength and hope in service to others. Results and all else are God's business.

I am so grateful for my own willingness right now. And for this amazing board. I don't even want to think what the past few months would have been like without all the support and insight I get here.

Keep coming back!

abc

Spiritual Seeker

abcdefg -
People come and go in our lives. Remember the meaningful times you did have with your sponsee...and I bet she will too.

I appreciate you being here and like reading your posts.

peaceteach

Me too!