i4getsm

I asked AH to leave last Friday because of his relapse into alcohol and the discovery of some phone calls to local singles hotlines. He had a business trip to go on all of this week and is returning tomorrow. I need to figure out what to say to him. I KNOW he's been drinking on this trip. I found charges for over $100 on our credit card to a club/bar. And, when I searched the bar name, it said they have a $2 drink night the night they went (you can do the math). And, I really have no idea what else he might have done. He could be shacking up with other women for all I know. He only called Wednesday night and then texted me today. (Guess I should expect that he doesn't really care about me or the kids.) I'm really pissed off at him, but I know that arguing with him will do nothing. I've got an appt with a divorce lawyer on Thursday. So...do I just allow him to come over and see the kids, then pack up his stuff and leave? He has made no mention at all of being sorry or wanting to work things out. His text said he wanted to see the kids tomorrow and get his stuff.

Just keep my mouth shut right? I do need to ask him if he's told his parents. I don't want to be the one to drop that bomb on them (it's not my place), but I need to call them so they can see the boys. (I'm definitely maintaining that relationship with them because a) I love them and b) my boys love them.)

Help me not to do anything or say anything stupid tomorrow. Shannon

underwood

Hi Shannon, You are right, arguing will do nothing but get you more upset. Let him get his stuff, stand your ground calmly....after all he is the one with the problem. I wouldn't push the parent issue...it could lead to a fight. You need to take care of you and your emotions. He doesn't sound like change is in his mind. Good luck.

Spiritual Seeker

It certainly sounds like you know how to handle it.
If this separation becomes permanent you will be co-parenting with him forever, so it is important for your kids to stay cool.
Wishing you some strength as you pick up the pieces of your life.
So sorry you married a dud.
There is life after divorce, even tho you prob. can't imagine it now. Hang in there.

lexusgirl

Very similiar situation although we weren't married, to what I had to deal with. Xabf would come home from his weekend binges all hungover, at first I used to yell and rant at him. Towards the end I just started to detach from him.

I went about things as though not a lot was wrong. Did what I had to for me; isolated in my room while he stayed in the guest room. He certainly was perplexed when I didn't say much to him. He would look at me like "aren't you going to yell at me?" I think it bothered him more that I took care of myself and my serenity.

Sounds like you got a good idea as to how to deal with this. And like you said arguing will get you nowhere. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. :ghug

i4getsm

I *know* I need to stay calm, but I am so pissed. I just found his wedding ring. That SOB didn't even take it with him on his business trip. I pray that tomorrow I don't bit my tongue off just trying to keep from screaming at him.

ARealLady

i4....please protect yourself and get your name off the joint credit card. You don't want to be responsible for his drink-induced debts.

ARL

i4getsm

I'm working on the credit card, banking account, mortgage, car, etc. situation as we speak. It's crazy because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to do since we're getting separated. Thanks for the advice though! I definitely need it.

DaisyBuchanan

I agree. If by some chance you end up staying with him, then do your best to take away all his credit cards and debit cards, and if he wants money, then he can ask you for it. This is what I've had to do. My abf and I agreed that my name would be on the account, and he would no longer have access to credit cards/debit cards. He was putting us in debt with his stupid drinking binges. $50 here and there adds up!!!

Good luck my dear. I know it's hard.

splendra

dear(((i4getsm))))

You need to remain calm in dealing with him. Do not let him bait you into an argument at all cost. Addiction loves to create drama so you don't want to satisfy his addiction.

You might ask him if he is going to tell his parents because they could call and want to see the kids. Heck the kids could innocently drop the bomb too ya know.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself. I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him you are going to a lawyer before you go. You need legal advise and he might try to stop you from going if he knows about it. I am pretty sure you need to close any joint accounts and take your name off of any credit cards that he is using but, again I don't think it would be wise to discuss it with him.

Take care of yourself!!

Sweetiepie1

Try not to beat yourself up with thinking that he doesn't care about you or the children, he probably does in his own way but thinks far more of himself and his "stuff". Alcoholism can be a very selfish affliction.

i4getsm

Thank you all for the replies! Today went okay. I have another post where I was asking for prayers, and they worked. We actually took the kids to lunch and didn't have any major blowups. He's officially out as of today. He has some odds and ends to pick up tomorrow but he isn't staying here anymore. I'm relieved not to deal with him on that level anymore. Of course, we'll see how long things stay "nice" once the lawyer gets involved. Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. You are all helping me more than you can imagine. Shannon