Wondering if anyone else has this experience with their partner in recovery
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 4
Wondering if anyone else has this experience with their partner in recovery
Hi,
I'm looking for some help understanding how my b/f 'does' recovery. We've been together a couple of years and he's been in recovery for a long time. What I see is that he spends a significant amount of time journaling, processing, focusing on his thoughts, feelings, patterns, continuing to unravel things that happened in his early life with things as they are now and how to make sense of it all and go forward. He can spend hours a day on this.
It seems to help him, but it can occupy him for long stretches, keeping him from other things, and I wonder could it be another kind of addiction? Or is it a healthy way to handle continuing issues from an abusive childhood?
Has anyone else experienced this with their spouse or b/f? Just looking for some understanding.
thanks
KD
I'm looking for some help understanding how my b/f 'does' recovery. We've been together a couple of years and he's been in recovery for a long time. What I see is that he spends a significant amount of time journaling, processing, focusing on his thoughts, feelings, patterns, continuing to unravel things that happened in his early life with things as they are now and how to make sense of it all and go forward. He can spend hours a day on this.
It seems to help him, but it can occupy him for long stretches, keeping him from other things, and I wonder could it be another kind of addiction? Or is it a healthy way to handle continuing issues from an abusive childhood?
Has anyone else experienced this with their spouse or b/f? Just looking for some understanding.
thanks
KD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi KatieD,
Back when my H. was working his program (he has not been for years and, consequently, relapsing often), those types of things were common for him. He kept journals for his step studies, spent lots of time talking and sharing with other addicts, counseling to learn how to communicate better, two to three meetings a week, played softball on a sober team, went to church, volunteered to speak in jails, meditated, and basically worked on himself a lot. He has past demons he can never seem to get passed, but all those things helped.
It was a full-time job for him, almost. But for me, it was worth it. How I wish he was doing half of that today. Sometimes back then, I would get lonely when he was gone to meetings, but now I know he really needs it.
I do know some of his friends that have stayed clean for many years, who don't put in as much time as they used to. I guess only the alcoholic/addict can tell when it is too much or too little. My humble advice is to let him do what he needs to do and you do what you need to do for yourself. Take care.
Back when my H. was working his program (he has not been for years and, consequently, relapsing often), those types of things were common for him. He kept journals for his step studies, spent lots of time talking and sharing with other addicts, counseling to learn how to communicate better, two to three meetings a week, played softball on a sober team, went to church, volunteered to speak in jails, meditated, and basically worked on himself a lot. He has past demons he can never seem to get passed, but all those things helped.
It was a full-time job for him, almost. But for me, it was worth it. How I wish he was doing half of that today. Sometimes back then, I would get lonely when he was gone to meetings, but now I know he really needs it.
I do know some of his friends that have stayed clean for many years, who don't put in as much time as they used to. I guess only the alcoholic/addict can tell when it is too much or too little. My humble advice is to let him do what he needs to do and you do what you need to do for yourself. Take care.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 4
Itisatruth -- thank you so much for your reply. It's very helpful to have that perspective and be reassured that the work is critical.
One thing I didn't mention -- probably because of embarrassment? -- is that he's out of work now and has been for a while. I've been supporting us, and I guess I'm wondering if he's been doing recovery work at the expense of attending to life issues that are kinda important.
Can you become 'addicted' to recovery? In other words, can it become another way of coping or an escape from reality in the way other addictions can be?
thanks,
kd
One thing I didn't mention -- probably because of embarrassment? -- is that he's out of work now and has been for a while. I've been supporting us, and I guess I'm wondering if he's been doing recovery work at the expense of attending to life issues that are kinda important.
Can you become 'addicted' to recovery? In other words, can it become another way of coping or an escape from reality in the way other addictions can be?
thanks,
kd
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Hey, Katie.
I think you ask a great question about the possibility of becoming addicted to recovery.
Personally, and this is ONLY my opinion because I'm no expert about anything, I do not believe it is possible for genuine recovery to become an addiction. I believe this because working the 12 Steps allows As (and for me as an Al-anon) a design for LIVING.
If someone is authentically working recovery, there are far too many checks and balances in place for them to NOT be connected and invested in the world, family, etc.
However, there can be periods, certainly in the beginning but not limited to initial sobriety, when the obsession with alcohol (or whatever the addiction is) must be replaced by new thinking. This takes a tremendous amount of effort, thought and concentration. At that time, I would certainly assume that a recovering A might be immersed in their program so much they could neglect other obligations.
But the motive is so different than when those obligations were abandoned for active using, lying, etc etc. Balance will return if anyone continues to work the steps.
I compare it to someone who is sick with a different type of disease, like diabetes, who is learning how to manage that illness over a lifetime. First they must be properly diagnosed and treated but it takes time and a lot of effort to adjust to the reality of being an insulin-dependent diabetic. We don't think of them as addicted to insulin because the idea is that the medicine, diet, etc. (which can be very time consuming and overwhelming) gives this person the opportunity to live a full, rich life.
Now it IS possible for an A to manipulate "recovery" in such a way as to use it against others, leech off of them, avoid responsibilities and continue practicing disease. But that's different from what it sounds like you're seeing.
For me, I have found that I have more clarity and more is revealed about the authenticity of another person's program when I am focusing most on my own. Even now it kind of freaks me out how mystical it gets: the more I'm looking at me and my stuff and recovering myself, the more obvious unacceptable behavior is to me. So, ironically, the less I try to figure out about the As behavior, the more I can really see what's going on.
Anyway, that's my $.02 and, really, it's only one opinion based on my own experience. There may be many other ways to look at this.
Thanks for posting.
I think you ask a great question about the possibility of becoming addicted to recovery.
Personally, and this is ONLY my opinion because I'm no expert about anything, I do not believe it is possible for genuine recovery to become an addiction. I believe this because working the 12 Steps allows As (and for me as an Al-anon) a design for LIVING.
If someone is authentically working recovery, there are far too many checks and balances in place for them to NOT be connected and invested in the world, family, etc.
However, there can be periods, certainly in the beginning but not limited to initial sobriety, when the obsession with alcohol (or whatever the addiction is) must be replaced by new thinking. This takes a tremendous amount of effort, thought and concentration. At that time, I would certainly assume that a recovering A might be immersed in their program so much they could neglect other obligations.
But the motive is so different than when those obligations were abandoned for active using, lying, etc etc. Balance will return if anyone continues to work the steps.
I compare it to someone who is sick with a different type of disease, like diabetes, who is learning how to manage that illness over a lifetime. First they must be properly diagnosed and treated but it takes time and a lot of effort to adjust to the reality of being an insulin-dependent diabetic. We don't think of them as addicted to insulin because the idea is that the medicine, diet, etc. (which can be very time consuming and overwhelming) gives this person the opportunity to live a full, rich life.
Now it IS possible for an A to manipulate "recovery" in such a way as to use it against others, leech off of them, avoid responsibilities and continue practicing disease. But that's different from what it sounds like you're seeing.
For me, I have found that I have more clarity and more is revealed about the authenticity of another person's program when I am focusing most on my own. Even now it kind of freaks me out how mystical it gets: the more I'm looking at me and my stuff and recovering myself, the more obvious unacceptable behavior is to me. So, ironically, the less I try to figure out about the As behavior, the more I can really see what's going on.
Anyway, that's my $.02 and, really, it's only one opinion based on my own experience. There may be many other ways to look at this.
Thanks for posting.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
As an alcoholic and a drug addict, I will say that recovery is the most important thing in my life. (If you have a copy of the 24 hours a day book, read January 16). I plan my life around my recovery. It's more important than my wife, my son, my job...
Without my recovery, I have nothing.
Without my recovery, I have nothing.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Katie 
There's been some great posts here, with lots of wisdom. My experience is that people can get addicted to _anything_, but only if they allow it to become a substitute for reality. Here in Vegas people get addicted to gambling, sex, strip joints and all sorts of other things that have nothing to do with the typical addictive chemicals.
For me, it's not that gambling is addictive, or sex, or booze. It's that _I_ am addictable. For that reason I don't work in bars, casinos or other places where the weakness in _me_ is exposed.
Fo me, my recovery is what allows me to have a healthy, productive life. I spend a lot of time in meetings, with people in recovery, reading recovery literature. However, all this recovery _enhances_ my life. I am a better person, a better employee, better partner to my girlfriend, son to my Mom, better grandpa. The easiest way to know if I am letting my disease take over is because my life becomes _worse_ as a result.
My guideline is that whatever _enhances_ my life is recovery, whatever destroys it is addiction.
Mike
Originally Posted by KatieD 
...Can you become 'addicted' to recovery? In other words, can it become another way of coping or an escape from reality in the way other addictions can be?...
For me, it's not that gambling is addictive, or sex, or booze. It's that _I_ am addictable. For that reason I don't work in bars, casinos or other places where the weakness in _me_ is exposed.
Fo me, my recovery is what allows me to have a healthy, productive life. I spend a lot of time in meetings, with people in recovery, reading recovery literature. However, all this recovery _enhances_ my life. I am a better person, a better employee, better partner to my girlfriend, son to my Mom, better grandpa. The easiest way to know if I am letting my disease take over is because my life becomes _worse_ as a result.
My guideline is that whatever _enhances_ my life is recovery, whatever destroys it is addiction.
Mike
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