hopeangel

hi all, i know it's been a while since i posted, but now i really need to. i am not doing good today.

i am under a ton of stress right now. i was doing pretty well holding it together... so i thought.

i met a really special friend that i feel a real connection with on a soulmate level. that friend left for a city a long distance away. we talk all the time, but i don't share what is going on in my marriage. i don't want to put these problems on this person. i don't think it is fair or right to do so. we were going to talk last night, but i was in my car at my old apartment complex(because ah was home and i didn't want to be around him) and i was drinking beer of all things ( one 24 oz. of labatte ice, which i will never drink again). so, finally after not being able to talk to this friend for a while i was talking and the police came of all things to see what i was doing there. so i had to hang up really quick i panicked and then i called the friend back and no answer. i called twice. the fact i didn't get to talk to my friend really sent me into a tailspin. coping with this friend moving and being away has been really hard on me.

i came home and then ah came home and i tried to talk to him. he could tell i was drunk (which of course i am not hearing the end of now) he then tried to force himself on me. i ended up hitting him in the face and telling him no, i will call the police. i didn't. i honestly didn't feel like i was going to make it through the night, and now the day. i really don't like this feeling. the feeling when you don't know what to do and you are so anxious and every minute is hard just getting by.

yesterday was really tough. i turned in papers to the attorney to file for the dissolution, went to eat with friends at lunch and family dinner.

i came home and ah informed me that he called a realitor to come look at the house to put it for sale on monday. of course, this caught me by surprise because i did not think he would do it. i know this is necessary and i guess it is better that he is handling it and not me.

also, my family bought a business and it is taking a lot of my time. i feel obligated to help, but i have no time on the weekends to get things done at home.

i just found out another friend of mine (my best friend)is pregnant (hard for me to deal with not having kids of my own), so now i feel like i cannot go to her with my problems because i don't want to upset her or cause her stress with the pregnancy. so i feel like i have lost her too.

i can't talk to my family about any of this either.

so, all this is causes so much stress and that is why i think i drank the beer and had the breakdown when i came home. i was out of control crying and talking, not making sense. i'm really really scared. i'm afraid i am going into depression. i'm really afraid that i am going to mess up all my good relationships., mostly by being too needy and dependant and just making stupid choices. at the same time, i don't feel like there is any where i can turn when i am having a bad day. noone that i can count on to get me through it.

i am really really trying here everyone. i don't know what else to do. i go to therapy. i'm working on myself. i am trying so hard to get on with my life and make it good. i just feel like i can't get anything right. i've had to fight all my life. i don't know why everything has to be so hard for me.

my self esteem is shot and i feel extremely vulnerable.


any suggestions or help

Ann

When I feel this way, getting to a meeting helps, they are willing to listen and offer support without ever judging me. It also gives me a list of phone numbers of people who are always available to talk, anytime I need to.

Maybe give it a try, you'll be amazed how good it will make you feel about yourself just to take this step.

Hugs

underwood

Hi Hope, I also would suggest a meeting or group. You really need someone to talk to on a regular basis. The drinking, fighting thing doesn't work...that is what makes your relationship with AH unbearable. Don't call this new friend (soulmate) while you have been drinking....call him sober out of respect to him. Even though having a couple of drinks might feel good in the moment they don't solve the big picture....never has for me.

I'm sorry things have been so hard for you. You sound frustrated, upset and down. I have had similar experiences with my AH and done some stupid things back. This forum and therapy has helped me put things into perspective; step back and make choices on what is best for me and my recovery. I am only beginning this process and am afraid of what lies ahead. I hope today goes better.

Pony

I know what it is like feeling that there is no-one to talk to or that they would even want to hear about anyting like this.... but Ann, right. those meetings are all about sharing and support from those that have been there as well. So they will understand and not judge you or the situation. Something to check out.

Coming here has helped me.

Bernadette

heya hopeangel-
I agree w/ Ann & pony & underwood - if I am ever in total tailspin mode I get to an AlAnon meeting asap. I don't have to share - I can just sit and listen, read some reassuring material (that I've already read 800X but STILL need to be reminded of). It all settles my mind until the storm passes. Which it will.

Sweetie- you are going through so much right now. You turned in papers to the attorney. That is a real defining moment. A lot of stuff has come crashing down at once. (((HUGS)))

But what I hear repeatedly in your post is this theme:
I can't tell her about...
I don't talk to my family about...
I don't share w/ my very special friend....
etc.

What is stopping you from reaching out? Are you ashamed to ask for help/a shoulder to cry on? That's a common feeling with us codies who feel compelled to just HANDLE EVERYTHING!!! In fact we often have a lof of self-esteem built into this sense of "I don't need help. I'll handle it myself."

For codies asking for and ACCEPTING help are really these huge hurdles we have to jump over. It can feel very uncomfortable at first...but it is a skill we need to practice.

An easy litmus test is this : If a Friend called ME at 10 o'clock at night in the state of mind I was in, would I have been overwhelmed with her problem? No, I'd have been happy to listen, invite her over, talk it over.
Would I think less of this friend?
No.
Would it make my own life havoc to help this friend for a spell?
Absolutely not, even when I was pregnant I would have helped a friend --

It is a serious codie control thing- we don't ask for help because we fear the impact on someone else of them having to help us!!!
Let that go. Living with an alcoholic makes us hyper question our every step because we are all tied up in the world of their reactions. Tip-toeing around all the time and "handling" our own needs.

Isn't it great to have SR!!!??? But I do hope you can find a sympathetic ear around you- like at AlAnon or - maybe re-think those friends who you are worried about getting "real" with. They may have strengths and insights you can't imagine....
Peace,
B.

hopeangel

thank you all so very much. i am doing better now. i spent the day away from home so i didn't go crazy. i did painting, went to eat with my family and spent time with my niece.

oh, and as for the panic attack last night because my friend didn't call me back. i completely made up all kinds of scenerios in my head. it wasn't about me at all. there was an issue with a roomate and that's the only reason i didn't get called back.


i do believe it is time for me to get back to alanon. i do remember it calming me in times of stress. i went for over a year and stopped going. the only issue i have with it is that this is a small town. my stepsister goes to the same meeting, so i really don't feel very free to open up and share a lot there.

i'll write more tomorrow. after not sleeping at all last night i am going to go to bed and get some rest.

i really just wanted to say thank you. i don't know that i could make it without you guys!!!