wish he'd quit

So AH claims that he quit drinking for these 5 days because it makes me happy. I know that its a load of crap. I have been standing up to the manipulation, but he is taking that as me having an attitude and not loving him anymore. Honestly my feelings havent really changed. WHat has changed is that I am now standing up for myself and my children. Im sure he also thinks that by quitting and saying that is to make me happy, he can also use that against me when I fail at something like getting the house cleaned. Does anyone else ever feel this way and how do you respond to it?

underwood

You are so right but the advise I would offer (if you think this guy is worth it) is what my male therapist pointed out to me. Even though it is a load of crap you can diffuse the situation by commenting in a positive way about the 5 days.( He is jonesin for a drink and is still not thinking clearly....from my readings it takes about 2 weeks of sobriety for the frontal lobe to come back to life.)

When I mean positive I don't mean for a second that you buy into this doing it for you crap... If you love this guy then tell him in a very straight forward way. "I'm thrilled that your taking care of you! You are misinterpreting my attitude as negative....it's not. I am taking care of myself and the kids while you are taking care of yourself."

I know that some of you are throwing up right now.LOL but by being neutral, but caring has diffused some of the everyday stress for me. Maybe this is just the honeymoon for this codie. If it's over then it's over; see how long the sobriety will last. From your previous post it sounds like this is temporary. Good luck

As for the house cleaning, tell him you quit and he can do it.

ToughChoices

Anytime my A would quit he'd say "I'm stopping because of you."
I'd feel good for about 2 days.
I'd think: "Yeah!!! He loves me more than alcohol!"

Then he'd drink, and he'd say, "I'm drinking because of you", and I'd feel worthless.

Now I can see that it was his way of giving me responsibility for his poor decisions.

If I was the solution, maybe I was also the problem.

Don't play that game.

-TC

Barbara52

Saying he is quitting drinking to make you happy is indeed manipulatory. Its also a sign it won't last. A real desire to get into serious recovery has to be self motivated, coming from a desire to change oneself for oneself. That's the only way it can really work.

I do like what underwood had to say about how to approach this all.

wish he'd quit

Thank You all for your posts! I love the idea of the responses I can give. Although I think he would still think on some level I was being cold.It didn't last. WHen I came home there were 2 empty beer bottles on the table. I don't know whether he is drunk or not since I wasnt home earlier, he may have only had the 2 for all I know. Besides the point. I'm sure tomorrow I will hear how he drank them because I wasnt home early enough, or he drank them just to make me mad. The list could go on. I'm also gonna hear how he only had a couple and that is not bad. What ever! He is gonna think what he wants to think to try to justify alcoholic behavior.

DaisyBuchanan

The way I think of it is the manipulation is the addiction talking. When he tries to rationalize his drinking or tries to make you feel bad because he doesn't feel loved, just stay strong. Tell him you love him, but you hate the person he is when he drinks. I say this all the time to my abf. I also tell him to save his "sales pitch" for somebody who buys his bs :chatter. I've heard it all, and it's taken me a while to see right through it. I know it's not my loving bf talking, but his addiction trying to manipulate me so he can drink. Stay strong and good luck. I know exactly how you're feeling. You're doing the right thing by not buying his crap.

barb dwyer

I don't think it matters what I think -

if he's quitting 'for you' ...
he's going to be drinking again
before you can get online to see what I said.

gmc

Hey sweetie, I am going through this with my husband right now. He has drank a few times since he started working the program and finally came clean with his sponsor yesterday.

My husband keeps asking my thughts on the whole situation and it has taken hard work not saying much because I keep thinking ahead to every which way my thoughts can be manipulated into something he wants to hear and may be used against me or the whole process later.

He also says it is for a better life for me and our dd, he doesnt have to worry about drunk driving and dui's, making a fool of himself in front of others, blah blah blah. I finally decided yesterday that the best thing to say to him was, "I think you are getting sober for shallow reasons and that's why you are having a hard time with it".

I hope I dont regret THESE words later after all the thought I put into them!

Well, all I can do is work on me and read these message boards. Im so thankful for them and seeing posts like yours help ME work through my own issues, so THANKS!

gmc

wish he'd quit

Gee Barb how did you know?