makeachange

I'm pretty new here, but if you've read my posts, you know that I considered leaving AH very strongly and allowed him to talk me into "giving him another chance" for like the millionth time. I'm trying to be fair and open about it, but I'm finding myself pretty disillusioned about this new and improved version of AH already. He did pour out all of the hard liquor in the house and he has been staying home instead of going to bars, but he hasn't really made significant changes in other ways. He's been super negative and critical of me still. He still isn't really helping me parent our teen. I still can't really count on him to "be there" fully when it matters. Case in point: last night I had a terrible migraine but AH had invited friends over to grill out. They did the work and everything, but AH drank as usual. That meant that I still had to get out at 9;30 pm to pick up our teen at rehearsal. I was exhausted and in pain, but that didn't really matter. I mean, it wasn't like I could send him to get her drunk and I couldn't leave her there stranded.

Today, I have night class that I teach. Because I hadn't heard from AH, I took our teen to rehearsal before my class (earlier than she needed though she said she didn't mind). I still have a migraine, and he knows it. Instead of saying to me that he would pick her up from rehearsal tonight, he kept asking me if it would be okay for him to go with his friends to a bar for a few hours. Well, I hate being treated like his mother. I don't want to be the one to give him permission or not. Plus, I know good and well that he was going to do what he wanted no matter what I said. I essentially told him to do whatever he wanted, that I guessed I would finish my night class and then go home to lie down until it was time for me to pick up our daughter from rehearsal around 10 pm.

I'm angry with him for not realizing I still feel like crap and that he needs to stay sober so he can pick her up. I'm angry with him for not ever thinking about us instead of himself. I'm angry with myself for not standing up for what I want/need. I shouldn't just be a doormat and say nothing, but I don't have the energy needed to "lay it all out there" tonight. I know I shouldn't expect him to read my mind and stuff, but you'd think he could have a little consideration. I still feel like a jackhammer is operating behind my right eye and I've had so much migraine medicine that I can't take anymore for several hours. I just don't know what I'm going to do and needed to vent a little...

T

peaceteach

My body was a very good barometer of what my head just couldn't get around. It would "sing out" in pain, and I was always sick and miserable. I think stress and anxiety at the level of a codependent in a wildly flailing alcoholic/addict relationship must be similar if not worse than battlefield conditions. This is not what life is supposed to be like, and it took major decisions and fierce committment to myself and my children to stop waiting for things to take care of themselves and realize that I HAD TO TAKE CARE of it myself. That was a step in maturity for me, but also a step toward a peaceful existence where I controlled the level at stress to one I could cope with, endure, and thrive in.

You are an adult. You can do whatever YOU want now. Nobody has to interfere with any decision YOU make to better your life and your daughter's. Start listening to your body. It's crying out your HP's messages.

ToughChoices

When they're drinking, they're not thinking.

About anyone.

You sound as though you know this to be true, but perhaps your anger arises because you still hope that it won't be. You're angry because you are disappointed. You're angry because you feel that it is an unfair situation.

You are right.

He is not an equal partner -
Maybe, just for tonight, you could assume that he never will be.

What do you do then?

Wishing you peace.
-TC

LaTeeDa

Well, asking for what you want and need is one thing--getting it is quite another. In an equal partnership, a healthy relationship, communication of this kind is key to making it work. In a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic, you can ask till hell freezes over and you will not likely get it.

So, instead of insisting that he respect you, understand you, have compassion or empathy for you, maybe you could trying doing those things for yourself?

Your story rings true to me. I was in that same kind of marriage up until about three years ago. Looking back, part of the problem was how superior I felt when I was "doing it all" and he was neglecting his responsibilities. That's what kept me doing what I was doing and kept him doing what he was doing. Once I changed my ways, he had no choice but to change his. I'm not saying leaving is the only answer. It was the right answer for me, but if you think about it, maybe you will see how you are perpetuating the situation and come up with some changes in your own behavior that will at least alleviate some of your anger.

L

wish he'd quit

Your post really hit home with me. I too have been put second to alcohol and his buddies and brother. I was in and out of the ER a few times and had to call my friend and parents to come. The day I had to have a lump in my breast checked I came home to find that he invited my brother in law over to get him out of his parents hair. He didn't want them to be a bother to them. So I guess he is an enabler to another alcoholic. The list could go on and on. Some day I feel like I have made it clear what I want and others looking back I guess I was to afraid to speak up. Even now that I know I want a divorce, I am still afraid to speak up. If I do I worry that I may get caught up in the manipulation again. Kinda like Im d@^%#d if I do and d*%^#d if I dont.


LaTeeDa~ The part where you wrote about feeling "superior when you are doing it all" rings true for me too. My question is how do you change your behavior when you are the one doing it all. Granted he does provide everything, but only because he will not keep the kids unless it is convienent for him. Even then it is usually only ds since he is potty trained. I also am not able to work much since AH won't keep the kids, or it cuts into his free time or what ever. Is this more of an attitude change or are there behaviors that can change with this.

prodigal

Since you know he is going to do whatever he pleases, I think you're hurting yourself by remaining angry over having unmet expectations.

Expecting an active alcoholic to behave in a responsible manner is tilting at windmills. Ain't gonna happen.

I certainly understand your frustration at having a husband who isn't pulling his share of the weight. But he's an addict. He's doing what addicts do. To expect him to behave in a mature, responsible, and compassionate manner isn't realistic while he's actively practicing.

It's sad, it stinks, but it's true.

Shivaya

It is my natural instinct to feel for those who may be in pain, and to help out in any way I can. They could be a stranger. They could be a neighbor. They could be a family member.

However, I have to admit that when my ah complains of an ailment...I usually don't take it serious and I have very little sympathy for him. It was not always like this...I just think I have built up so much resentment and anger that it makes it impossible to feel for this person. Sad....but true.

Now...then there are the kinds of people who just don't care, period, about others well-being, including their loved ones.

I know I do much better when I don't expect any help from him then I'm not disappointed when he does not help.

I'm frustrated tonight.....can you tell?

Hang in there Makeachange.....you are not alone!

Shivaya

LaTeeDa

You stop doing it all. You stop holding yourself to impossibly high standards and then beating yourself up when you fail. You stop thinking you can control the rest of the world. You allow bad things to happen sometimes. You stop trying to be the superhero and then resenting everyone else for not appreciating your efforts.

Yes, you can make behavior changes. And you can start small. For example, I used to make a healthy, nutritious homemade-from-scratch dinner for my family every single night. That, on top of working a full time job. These days I cook most nights, but always keep a frozen pizza or some frozen burgers on hand. I learned it's okay to not cook once in awhile. Heck, sometimes we even go out and let someone else do the cooking.

The world will not end if the laundry doesn't get done or the dishes don't get washed. I used to stress so much over everything being perfect that I didn't even have time to have a conversation with my kids. And because I never reached that lofty goal of perfection, I was constantly beating myself up over all the things I didn't get done.

L

Lilyflower

Wow LTD, I need to get you in a room with my mum, you've just described her behaviour to a tee!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

Freedom1990

Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

This not only applies to my alcoholism, but also to my codependency issues.

I spent 5 long miserable years, thinking that somehow it was going to be different with the alcoholic/addict husband, that eventually he would 'get' what I needed out of the marriage, etc etc.

I can't afford to have resentments because they cut me off from my higher power.

The higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity, and the greater my resentments.

I am now dealing with my youngest daughter at home, almost 20. She is binge drinking, and not at home. However, just because she's not drinking here at home doesn't mean she's going to be responsible, respectful or polite.

The drinking is only a symptom. Take away the drinking, but with no active recovery in place for the alcoholic to learn new attitudes/thinking, and you've got a dry drunk.

Expecting any consideration from an active alcoholic/dry drunk is like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole.

Just my personal experience in my own life.

FormerDoormat

My ex boyfriend rarely thought of anyone but himself. That's because most of his thoughts centered around drinking: when he would get his next drink, how he would get his next drink, who would take care of all his responsibilities so he could get good and drunk, who would overlook his constant drunkenness, etc.

Eventually I realized that, drunk or sober, my boyfriend was always self-centered and self-indulgent. He was who he was and he had no intention of changing. And why should he when he had people like me who would overlook all his bullcrap again and again? The fact of the matter is, I chose a self-centered, self-indulgent, and irresponsible partner. That's who he was in the beginning and that's who he remained throughout our 25-year relationship.

Should I be angry at him for being self-centered, or should I be angry at myself for settling for so little? No one forced me into this relationship, I entered it and remained in it willingly.

It sounds to me like you have no partner and your children have no father. Why do you allow him to take up room in your head, your heart, and your home?