losing control

Old 04-24-2008, 12:45 PM
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me
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Unhappy losing control

Hi im new i just wanted to share what was going on with me and hopefully get some helpful advice or inspiration. Ive been married to my husband for 2 years and its been a on and off again thing with him drinking wise. Ive left him many times and as usual i always go back. The most recent thing that has happened with this is that he had been clean from drinking for ALMOST a year. He started using cocaine in jan and used it on the weekends. On sunday i got fed up with him using that because its illegal and im scared that if the cops showed up while he was doing it id lose my kids, and whenever he came down he was really mean! So i left with my two kids. I didnt hear from him until tues and i could tell he sounded drunk and he told me hed been drinking since monday. I also found out he hasnt been working since monday and now his jobs on the line! Im so worried about whats going to happen like with my kids insurance if loses his job and money. I tried to get his boss to go over to our house today to try to talk to my husband, but he wouldnt answer the door. My husbands trying to tell me that he drank because i left and he doesnt understand why i did because he doesnt think he has a problem with cocaine and im just being dumb. He told me that everything he does is because im such a bitch.
I went to my house yesterday to try to get some of me and our kids stuff, i really want me and my kids in our home, but he is refuseing to leave. Hes being selfish and he wont let us stay there, and i dont want to go back if hes drinking because then its just gonna be drama.
He told me yesterday that he wished i was there with him so he could sober up, and he says im not helping him im just making him worse and that im not being there for him. I do feel guilty cause hes saying all of this. I kinda feel like i should go home to help him, but im more worried about my kids then him. I just want my family to be happy and i wish hed just go to rehab im worried that all of this gonna end up with him dead, because he has liver disease, or me dead, or bothe, or one of us in jail! I feel like im losing control and i just wanna go away and cry because im scared that our relationships over. Im scared my kids will grow up without a dad or ones that really ****** up. I dont know if i should go to al anon or not. Im just freaking out. This is like the 100th time ive left him for his issues. Now it seems hes even worse then he ever was becuase hes using bothe cocaine and drinking together.
I just my son home cause hes sad and i cant my husband out of the house! What can i do?
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Old 04-24-2008, 12:51 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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I don't know. But there is a saying, "nothing changes if nothing changes"
If you have left him "like the 100th time for his issues" than leaving and coming back is not working to bring sanity, serenity into your life or the life of your children.
A new plan is needed as you are see. You are powerless over him, just your decisions can only be based on what is best for the rest of the family.
Losing his family may or may not change his course but it can bring stability to yours.
If he is being verbally abusive maybe you can get a restraining order to keep him away from the house so you and the kids can live there.
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Old 04-24-2008, 01:17 PM
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(((hugs)))

First off. This is not your fault. You didn't cause his drug/alcohol problem. You can't control him. And you can't cure him.

I'm glad that you and your children are out of that environment. You should be proud of yourself for leaving. And there is no rush to go back either. His drug and alcohol problems are not going to get any better until something changes - him. And by his actions, it sure doesn't look like he's anywhere near ready. That means it's up to you to change the way you deal with him and his addiction.

You don't have to make any major decisions today - about staying or leaving. How about, just for today, you think about yourself and your kids, and what is the healthiest environment to be in. You don't need to worry about whether he's going to lose his job tomorrow, because, if he's going to lose it, you aren't going to be able to stop it from happening. Rushing back isn't going to fix the problem. But it could prolong it.

Take care of today. Take care of your immediately needs. And the rest will follow.

(((hugs))) I always ask myself, what is the WISE choice for the way things are right now. And then I go with it. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Trust yourself.
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Old 04-24-2008, 01:34 PM
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I agree with Spiritual Seeker. You need a plan. What you have been doing is not working and things sound like they are out of control. Get some help and don't listen to his crap. Do what's right for your family and don't base it on insurance or having a father present. Do what is healthy. Good luck! I hope positive things start to happen for you and keep posting.
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Old 04-24-2008, 02:03 PM
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me
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thank you for advice! im thinking im just gonna stay away for awhile its probably best for bothe, i just pray he doesnt die. im thinking about filing for full custody of my kids for now just so he cant try to come take him since he still has full rights. then ill tell him he cant see them till hes sober. does that seem harsh? or no good idea?
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Old 04-24-2008, 02:21 PM
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No legal advice here but it sure doesn't sound inappropriate if his actions warrant it. If I was you I would sit down and make up a list of everything I need to do. Then I would prioritize everything. Then I would start with 1... 2... 3...

I'm not an attorney, but I think some things have to happen before you file for custody like separation, possibly no-contact orders if you think he's a danger, get some clothes and stuff from your houe (you might need the police to assist you) etc, etc...
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