good_luck

Hey all. Yet another question here. I'm doing pretty well, and have been able to put my ex's problems where they belong, far away from me. But I was wondering something about worry.

I am obviously very concerned about him, and that is just something that I have to deal with. Part of this stems from the fact that I feel this burden of being the only one who has knowledge about what is really going on with his drinking. It is a burden that was intentionally placed on me. It was a manipulation to hold me hostage.

I worked through the hostage aspect of things, and recognized the unfairness of the manipulation, and feel much more clear-headed about the whole ordeal.

HOWEVER I was just wondering if expressing my concern, and how seriously I take his problem is helpful or something that he just feeds off of. Does that question make sense? On the one hand, a simple statement of "I am worried about you." seems like an acknowledgment of reality, a refuting of denial, without getting too involved. But on the other hand, I realize that he really seems to enjoy making people worried about him.

Thanks for bearing with me.

Lilyflower

I think there is a big difference between concern and worry. Concern is heart felt and truely wanting a better situation for somone else, and through this we can give the appropriate support when asked for. Concern to me is productive.

I feel that worry is a negative emotion that eats away at me, takes my energy to a lower level and saps at my positiveness. It doesn't benefit me or the other person.

By all means, show concern, enquire as to how he is doing, but remember your boundaries. For me, when I communicate with the ex, I have to remember that he can manipulate me and lie. He can tell me things that he knows I want to hear or that he thinks he will get a reaction from. I have to be careful when listening to him and gaurd against getting sucked in to his chaos again.

For example, I was speaking to him a few weeks ago and asked how he was, 'Oh I'm not good, I've been feeling really down and blah blah' was the answer. In the past I would have begun my why whats the matter?- trying to encourage him to open up to me, trying to problem slove for him, offer him ideas that may help etc. This time all I said was 'So what are you doing to make it better?'

Needless to say, he didn't have much of a response and I soon changed the subject.

- Yet you are the only one who knows of his addiction? To me it sounds as though he just likes you to be worried about him.

Lily xxxxxxxx

prodigal

Sadly, even you may not know what is really going on with his drinking. If he hid bottles, claimed he only had "a few" when it was obvious he had a lot more, and (obviously) manipulated you ... then you may never know the entire story. I've heard it said that alcoholics don't take partners; they take hostages. How true.

I would suggest that you not tell him you are worried ... you would be feeding his need to feel like he is the helpless victim. Have you told him in the past that you were concerned about his drinking? If so, it wouldn't do any good to revisit it. You are still worried. He is still drinking. Nothing constructive would be accomplished by your addressing your concerns to him. Working through how you feel with a counselor and/or Al-Anon group would be of far more help to YOU.

RosieM

I agree with the others here - what are you trying to accomplish with the "I'm worried about you" statement? That's putting the focus on him, right? And putting you right in the middle of his chaos, exactly where you don't want to be!

good_luck

Thanks for all the advice. All sound, and I will listen to it!


I am beyond trying to change, affect, or impact the situation.

I guess I just spent a long time in denial, and going along with the "highs" and believing everything was better. I don't feel that way anymore, and it feels dishonest to even pretend that I do. So it is for me, almost entirely. I don't want to participate in the lows OR the highs anymore.

Thanks Lily, I think you gave me some great advice in terms of staying clear of the lows. I have been working on striking that balance for a while, and I like your solution.

RosieM

I totally understand that! Tired of the highs and lows!! Just want a regular, normal life!!