katie44

My sister is married to an alcoholic. She is miserable and depressed. I have told her about this site, hoping she joins. This is ununusual as she has asked me to post for her: She is not sure he is an alcoholic.

My spouse works a full-time job. He does not drink sometimes for a month. I do not allow alcohol in my home. The problem is he will go out at least twice a week heads to the bar, gets absolutely hammered and staggers in at all hours. He has no regards for me and my children. His excuse " I cant drink at home, so thats why I go out" or " Im under immense amount of stress"
We have stopped socializing publically as he is the one that becomes loud and iggnorant." he did get a DUI 2 years ago and for 6 months I carted his a---sss around. Not one thankyou, oh and it wasnt his fault it was his lawyers fault ???? The very fact that he blew way over on the alcohol test had nothing to do with it.
He is a great man with a huge heart, but when he even has 3 beers there is a big change in him.
Im just not sure if he has a big problem. Sometimes he will stay late at work at his work place and drink with the salespeople. When I told him that was abnormal he said " thats what companies are built on guys hanging out and brainstorming" mean while I know there half corked talking about crap!

I have a 12 year old son and lately he has been asking" why doesnt dad want to hang out with me" he claims he is working all the time but what about the two nites a week in the bar. Like I said he can go 2 weeks a month with out drinking, but it seems to be a pattern. All of his friends are drinkers, most of them I cant stand. He will say " at least I dont drink everday" I am at the point if he even accepts a beer my stomach is in knots. One other thing when he does go out sometimes he wont come home all nite. When I get upset he says at least I didnt drive home, or atleast I didnt come home drunk.
He has been kicked out of several bars drunk it wasnt his fault?????
He never shares emotions with me only if hes been drinking????
He says I am the only one that does not like him drinking????

That is not true, he has business associates that have brought it to my attention. Basically what an idiot he makes of himself. The ones that accept him drinking is other drinkers problem drinkers.
His personality is one that never takes responsibility for anything, its always some one elses fault. Also he is very influenced by people. eg. One of the sales guys said " no women tells me not to drink you only live once" All of a sudden for a week that is my husbands new motto!
He has been verbally abusive when drinking tells me "Im no good" but the next day he apoligizes. I am confused is he an alcoholic will it get better? why a pattern? Dont most alcoholics drink daily or weekly? Thankyou I would appreciate some in put. Sue

Barbara52

Welcome!

Whether he is officially an alcoholic or not doesn't really matter. The fact that his drinking is causing problems in his relationships means it a problem whatever label get put on it.

A good starting point is to learn about alcoholism and its effects on the alcoholics family. There is a lot of great information in the stickies at the top of the forum. ANd read and post. This place has a great many supportive people.

MsPINKAcres

I agree - it really doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not - what matters is that you and your son have been affected by another person's drinking.

In learning to recovery from the affects of another person's drinking I have found that Al-Anon meetings, SoberRecovery, reading recovery literature, talking with others in similiar situations, and learning to focus on what is healthy for me - helps.

There is a program called Alateen for your son.

Most of all, please know that you nor your son
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure it

There is help for you. - You deserve it.

goldeelox

I am sorry you're going through this. Whether he's an official alcoholic doesn't matter becasue he's causing his family pain. Maybe you can try and Al anon meeting . They have helped me alot .If for no other reason than to hear from others who can relate.
Hugs to you

ctt

My dad has been an alcholic for 17 years. Do you think anyone thinks it has been so long? He drinks everyday, he goes crazy every day. Because of him not only I left the house but the country and continent.

When my brother and I were under 18 my dad would wake up(he was retired) drink until 4 pm, come home, sleep,take a shower ,wak up,cook dinner and by the time my mom would come home he woul be fresh. For 12 years my mom didn't or wouldn't want to belive us. Even now, he drinks every day, btu when he came to visit me he ddin't drink for 3 momths like it was the easiest thing in the wordl. Or, he wouldn't drink for a month and when I told him I am coming home for 3 weeks he was very excited. He painted the appartment and went to pick me up. He drink the entire time I was home and told everyone my husbadn was the son coming home.

The conclusion? Alcoholics mak no sense. It's not only a mental substance abuse problem but a mental problem. They need to be heard, they are manipulative and try to make people take caer of them.

Their behaviour my changed based on what they are looking for that day.

If he is drinking and not stoping when you ask him, it's time to do something now for you (so you don't need years of therapy) and for him (because he is getting worse). And don't let children live in an enviroment like that.
Even today it's hard for me to have normal relationships.

I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 25 but when I meat my husband I proposed to him after meeting him one time.

Take care of you,first,children,second and your husband third. Talk to your children, they know more than you think.

minnelson6200

Dear Sue,

I believe that you already have the answer to the questions you are asking. I think what you want is to hear that your answers are correct. Yes, they are. Your husband has a problem with alcohol. Whether or not he's addicted is beside the point. The problem is that he puts alcohol before his family.

When you talk of how your stomach gets tied in knots from the moment he takes that first beer, I cringe. The crack of a can being opened made my whole body tighten, my heart fall into my shoes and my stomach start to ache.

My AH did not start out drinking daily. First it was just Fri & Sat. Then Fri, Sat & Sun. When he lost his job it went to Fri, Sat, Sun, & Mon and now if I get one day a week where he's sober I'm thankful. He has been kicked out of bars (even the one his brother owns, by his own sister-in-law to boot), punched multiple times for the wicked words he says, and we have been invited out less and less as people stop wanting to spend time around him.

Now for the good news. My AH is still an active drinker and getting worse. But I'm getting better. I no longer spend endless nights staring at the ceiling wondering what its going to be like when he gets home or comes to bed. I started here at this site, then began going to AlAnon meetings, reading everything I could get my hands on, seeing a counselor and working my program to recovery. I'm still with AH for now. I do love him and I'm working on seeing this as a disease. It's tough and there are days when I don't do so well with it, but there are more days now when I do.

When I started this, I was confused, hurt, angry, and lost. I hated where I was and what I saw happening to my life. I had the quote "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I cannot cure it" but I didn't know what to do with it. It's still here on a sticky attached to my computer. Now I know what it means and right below is the quote Let go and Let God. Please keep reading, post when you can, find friends, try an AlAnon meeting, try six meetings. Do whatever feels right for you and for getting yourself back.

:ghug3

Mary Anne