really_fed_up

Jane claimed to my parents in an email (that they forwarded to me), that she wasn't drinking and she's angry at us for thinking such...and then she went on to talk about how she's going to get a new job and try to move in to a roommate situation. My parents were happy to believe her and now "everything's fine!" (sing-song voice) again.

I don't believe her...simply because I know that she's an addict and relapses are part of her disease; I can read her like a book. I can't help but feel angry at my parents for believing her and angry at her for manipulating them and angry at myself for...well, I guess getting emotionally involved in this again!

The way I've been coping with Jane's addiction (not the band, ha ha) is to distance myself from her. I just can't be around it right now. It's too painful and I need my own peace of mind. Jane and my parents won't accept that. They see no involvement with Jane as "abandoning" her. My mom insists that "if I don't want to have a relationship with Jane I need to tell her that" and that "it would be a shame if we lost our closeness". Jane interprets my need for space as being angry at her; she says she's "lost me to my husband" and that I don't care about her at all. It is so hurtful to me. Why is whatever Jane says and does always the gospel truth in my parents' eyes? Why can't Jane or my mom respect that I need space from Jane, and that this space doesn't mean that I hate her? Why is it in my family that we aren't ever allowed to be "individuals" in my parents' eyes?

I just needed to rant....errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Bernadette

hey RFU-
There's a lot of "she said," and "mom said," in your post. This seems to hang you up - like you need to justify that these people and what they are saying is cuckoo. I for one, believe you!! These people are doing the classic alcoholic dance-merry-go-round-roller-coaster-smash-up that typifies how this disease affects entires families.

You are on the road out of the "haunted house!" Don't give so much weight to the "she said" stuff. Take a deep breath - hear it as a duck quacking (that's a really good suggestion I've read here on SR - THANKS SR geniuses in the house!!) and take it as seriously as a duck quacking, and let it go. If advances are being made time will tell that - if Jane is truly in recovery then one day she will come to you and say I understand. Until then - until you KNOW that something's changed you keep with your program - keep your focus on you!

It DOES NOT MATTER what they think. You know you love your sister. You know that you are doing the healthy thing and DETACHING. You know. You'll get validation for that healthy and necessary approach at AlAnon and here at SR. You will NOT get it from your family until they wake up. They will only wake up on their own!

I know this is hard. People need to tell me this exact same stuff all the time!!! I need constant reminding! So be gentle with yourself, Do your best. Do something sweet for yourself today!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B

NYC_Chick

Hang in there!

Barbara52

They don't understand because they have done nothing to work toward recovery. That is theirs to own. If they ever get into recovery, they will understand why you are doing what you are doing. In the mean time, let them stay on their side of the street.

really_fed_up

Thank you all...it makes so much sense when I come here and everyone can relate to this; I am trying not to take what they say as an indication of myself or my own love for Jane. I think I just still don't believe in myself sometimes..and I feel conflicted because Jane and I USED to be very close--until her alcoholism drove us apart. That is what she still cannot accept. It's sad.

But you are all right...I will be doing the best thing for her if I continue to focus on myself and let her and my family reach their own recovery points.

lexusgirl

You're doing so well even though at times it is so frustrating.

Hang in there!:ghug2