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He put a letter in my purse yesterday

Old 04-21-2008, 08:35 AM
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He put a letter in my purse yesterday

Part One
Last Tuesday my AH and I went to see a Psychiatrist. He is a friend of my father inlaw and my FIL recommended that we see him since my AH has multiple issues. I agreed to see him as a last resort.

The shrink listened to our story which we recanted very matter of factly without emotions. The shrink said he thought we were doing everything we could and that he could be of more assistance to us.

After the appointment, I listened to my AH tell me how he is 'good to go now" he gets this AA stuff, has a sponsor and infact he is doing his sponsor a favour because the sponsor gets to bite into some good work and he is making his sponsor feel really good, yadda, yadda, yadda. For 45 minutes he told over and over how recovered he is and that alcohol and shoplifting and hording are no issue whatsoever now and he is ready for us. All of this because he wants 'us' to be a couple, yadda, yadda, yadda.

My reply to him was that we have this same conversation every 4 weeks where he tells me how great he is now and that his actions prove it and I just listen the same as the last time without much feedback. I also, told him again that my feelings for him are strickly platonic which he ignored and said 'One day at a time' and 'let go and let God'. Then "Let's recalibrate'. :wtf2

Part Two - The letter
I find the following letter in my purse last night. I think he put it there in the morning.

Dear Chrysalis,
You are not alone now. I am now moved to point a where I am good to for a better relationship with my wife.
It is obvious that many things have improved in me and within the family context. We now need to see if there will be improvement in 'us'.
It's interesting, I am having to work several improvement areas at one time. I'm good for it and committed though. See you having to work one area -Resentments. Today should be very interesting and productive. If we can champion over resentments and negative self-thought we can win as a couple and for each other. I believe this. Signed AH

On another sheet this:
Fourth Step is important for you, me and us.

Whereas I have a number of things to work on - and I am committed to do so. You have one - dealing with your resentments.

We can begin some more supportive relationship without intimacy as we are not ready for that.

Need you by my side so I can build a happy life for us...for you.
Know that I can't will this to happen any more than you could will me to stop drinking.

I am dealing with alcohol/emotion/honesty issues completely by myself because that is how it was meant to be for us.
No sex, no rings - your call
signed AH

I am not sure how to take this and not sure how to respond. Feedback please?
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Old 04-21-2008, 09:33 AM
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If nothing changes, nothing changes.

He appears to be very keen on pointing out what you need to be doing in your recovery, when in fact, an alcoholic in recovery should be working on his/her own inventory and leaving everyone else's alone.

I have seen many an AA person twist the program to suit their selfish needs and try to beat their spouse up emotionally with selected tidbits from the program.

Just because they might not be drinking doesn't mean they are well.

My suggestion is to be true to yourself and trust your gut. You say this is a cycle with him, and you recognize that.

You always have the option of throwing letters in the trash without reading them.

I had to learn to do that with my mother when she'd get upset with me and was more than glad to send a letter stating my defects that I needed to work on.
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Old 04-21-2008, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Been telling myself this a lot lately. Makes me aware of the things I have been doing that could use a change-up



Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
You always have the option of throwing letters in the trash without reading them.
This never occured to me, thanks.
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Old 04-21-2008, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you are under NO obligation to respond whatsoever.....maybe tuck it away so when the 4 week "miracle" is over, you can stick it in HIS purse!
:rof You may be cynical on a Monday but you are definitely funny on a Monday.
I was kind of hoping you would reply. You seem to have a gift for cutting through the crap.

My gut tells me he is trying to control me and yes, it's the same Hooey I get every 4 wks except he is now adding a written component to the verbal one.

I didn't respond and I have not intention to respond. I suppose he will eventually ask me if I read it.

Thanks!
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Old 04-21-2008, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Chrysalis View Post
I am not sure how to take this and not sure how to respond. Feedback please?

You don't have to respond. There was nothing said by him that required a response. You might want to keep the copy for him later on, if he makes it he might want to look back and see how full of c**p he was when he first got sober.
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Old 04-21-2008, 10:41 AM
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(((Chrysalis))) Anvilhead's post cracked me up too.

Isn't it amazing the mind games we get into? What stood out for me in his letter was his telling you that you need to work on your resentments. I'm sure you know what you need to do. I'd say follow your gut. Take care- Paj
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Old 04-21-2008, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
maybe tuck it away so when the 4 week "miracle" is over, you can stick it in HIS purse!
OMG, I almost spit coffee all over the place...that is too funny anvil!

Sounds like my xabf. Always always pointing out my issues or what it is that I need to do. Good for you for seeing past his little games!

((((((((hugs))))))))
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Old 04-21-2008, 11:02 AM
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My interpration of his letter is this...it comes straight from the POP Psychology Text book written by me...

Somehow, in his mind he thinks that the reason I think I don't love him is because I must be harbouring unresolved resentments. So, he thinks that if I do my 4th step work and address my resentments, I will love him again.

How's that for pop psychology?

The fact is, the feelings are gone and they ain't comin back. Resentments have nothing to do with it. I am pretty sure it has to do with the parent/child syndrome that CatsPajama pointed out in her Alcoholic Partners & Sex post. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tners-sex.html. One can only handle being called mom (yes, in private too) for so many years before you start to see the AH as a child and the thought of anything in the least bit romantic/sexual seems completely twisted!


:horse
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:41 PM
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OMG he's swapped addiction for codependency and is telling you what to do??!!!

There is no end to the NUTTINESS sometimes!

Anvil - you're the best! They always say "get it in writing" well Chrysalis you got it in writing! LOL

Peace,
B
P.S. LOVE the new screenname!
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Bernadette View Post
OMG he's swapped addiction for codependency and is telling you what to do??!!!

There is no end to the NUTTINESS sometimes!

Anvil - you're the best! They always say "get it in writing" well Chrysalis you got it in writing! LOL

Peace,
B
P.S. LOVE the new screenname!
:rof Well, at least I am getting a good laugh out the whole thing today cuz yesterday I was pretty perplexed.

I like my new screen name too
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:48 PM
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Since he wants to use "recovery speak" I would tell him to stop taking your inventory
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:54 PM
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LOL Anvil!

Crysalis: As for the letter focused on your "resentments," I sent my xabf a response to his letter. Most of it was about me, a couple of paragraphs about how his drinking was his choice and I didn't have anything to say about it. He sent a text saying he didn't know if we could ever be on the same page because of my resentments. WTF? It seems they all love to use that line. Of course, it never has anything to do with their drinking. They are changed people! Everyone sees it, BUT US CODIES!
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Old 04-21-2008, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
If nothing changes, nothing changes.

He appears to be very keen on pointing out what you need to be doing in your recovery, when in fact, an alcoholic in recovery should be working on his/her own inventory and leaving everyone else's alone.
This was my gut feeling, too...it seems that he is very ready to point out everything that you supposedly need to work on...you know what's best for you. Trust yourself!
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Old 04-21-2008, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by hadenoughnow View Post
Since he wants to use "recovery speak" I would tell him to stop taking your inventory
AMEN


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