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Need help staying on track

Old 04-20-2008, 09:54 PM
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Need help staying on track

After experiencing continuing verbal abuse and an extremely violent outburst from AH(against material items, not myself), living with an AH that is agitated, sleeps all day, comes home late, lies...and continues to drink after my repeated begging to stop, I was granted an Order of Protection on Saturday. All I need to do is tell the police he is at home and they will remove him.

I was afraid to tell him I got it, so I kept asking him to make other living arrangements, because this wasn't working out. I told him about some options for outpatient treatment covered by our insurance. I was afraid of how angry he'd get or that he would possibly lose it and do something to himself. He said he didn't want to talk about it and he'd leave when he wanted to. When he left the house (I think he went to his work) I called his cell and told him what I did and that he couldn't come back without a police escort.

I kept telling him that I wanted things to work, but I couldn't live like this. He kept telling me how much he missed me and loved me, and then he said "I will promise you now that I will focus on recovery and health both physically and in our relationship(s) at home. I can't be bribed into sobriety." I told him "I just don't see why anything would change "just like that", especially without having gotten some outside assistance. I would be more optimistic if I saw change happening." and then I gave him more suggestions on what he could do now, but did not have coming home as an option.

So today he tells me, "I said that it will be VERY difficult to resist the urge to blame you for all of this. It was also your choice to solve every problem by either calling the police, lawyers or kicking someone out. It was your choice to put your selfish needs above everything else when this time bomb started ticking. It was your choice to withhold love, communication, understanding, compassion and affection while I begged you not to."

So of course everything is my fault and here I am still trying to change him. I guess in hindsight, I should have just had the police remove him and not say anything to him. He already knows what the issues are. Even though I won't live with him right now, I still feel bad for him and I am having a very hard time trying not to control the situation.

He still hasn't been served yet. It will probably be done at his work. I don't know how he'll react when he actually gets it. The order is good for 3 weeks, but does not include any provisions for support. I will have to contact him for that. After 3 weeks we will have a court date where I can have the order extended and I believe the court may require drug/alcohol counseling and an anger management course.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore.
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Old 04-20-2008, 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by whatnow2 View Post
So today he tells me, "I said that it will be VERY difficult to resist the urge to blame you for all of this. It was also your choice to solve every problem by either calling the police, lawyers or kicking someone out. It was your choice to put your selfish needs above everything else when this time bomb started ticking. It was your choice to withhold love, communication, understanding, compassion and affection while I begged you not to."
And it was his choice to drink, have violent outbursts, and verbally abusie you. The noise he's making that passes for communication in manipulation, pure and simple. He started by sucking up to you, and when that didn't work, he resorted to dumping all the blame on you. Typical.

I had a restraining order against exAH that was good for one week. Then I went to court and had the doggone thing enforced for a YEAR. I carried it with my everywhere. AH only tried to threaten me one time, I waved the order in his face, and he folded like a house of cards.

At this point, I would highly suggest you start changing you and leave your AH to change himself - if he decides he wants to.
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Old 04-21-2008, 03:25 AM
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What, I can empathize, as your explanation mirrored my weekend. My agf was literally showering me with compliments on Friday, and then all at once started accusing me of witholding affection, not validating her sufficiently through compliments, and not fulfilling her sexually on Saturday. It can be a very chaotic and confusing cycle, but I have noticed that the downside usually comes on the heels of an alcohol episode, or most recently when I started taking care of myself (exercising regularly with or without her, eating healthy whether she did or not, etc.) and not her or her illness.

Not allowing him at home is, in a sense, yanking the safety net out from under him, and it seems as though the blame game is a gambit to try to make you feel responsible. If you're feeling guilty, you'll have a harder time sticking to your guns, and he'll have his safety net back.

And don't feel too bad... I need to make it a point to re-read these very same words at times. Progress.
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