Redheadsusie

:chatterI have not been around in about 4 months- really busy with work and trying to concentrate on sons and dogs. AH is no better. He is getting bigger by the day - drinking 7 days a week- packs a cooler before work- drinks the minute he is done with work - comes home - plays music while drinking - gets in hot tub with music blaring - while drinking - eats everything in site - while drinking - (from the munchies) - complains the whole time about me- the step son - the dogs - . I swear to God he says not 1 thing that is happy or nice at all to us. Still painfully verbally abusive. Chewed my son out tonight for stinking up the f'ing house - even though he closed the bathroom door- used spray and had the fan on. Who yells at someone for having a smelly poop! He told me last week - if You could quit being such a Bit*%- I would quit drinking - OK! He didn't even stop for 1 day. My question is this - he did come to my son's tennis match yesterd- had an ice pack hanging out of his pants (the work is so hard) actually - he is so fat- his back can't handle the beer gut anymore - came and ate a whole bag of Pork Rinds - and had a thermos full of beer that he had to refull after 1 set. Who drinks at a school function? I told him he should not drink at school functions - he said "Well then I won't come - you are so controlling". I said - fine - don't come - we really love having you here - but if you have to drink every cotton picking place you go - forget it. Tonight he asked me to sit on the boat with him and hang out (drink- and crank music for 3 hours minimum). I said - I have stuff to do at the house- thanks anyway. I worked in the garden - walked the dog - went jogging - rode in the golf cart with son to the marina and ate, saw neighbors- stuff I would love to do with a husband! I am just detaching and not doing anything with him while he is drinking period. That means we do nothing at all together because he drinks 24/7. Is that detaching? My first Al-Anon meeting in my new town is tomorrow. I am excited. I have bad thoughts towards him - I wish he would just croak - I feel horrible for thinking that - but it would be better for his kids -which he never sees - ever - me an my kids and probably his parents - even though of course they love him. They worry about him constantly but have given up - they just accept him and say anyone in his life should too. WTF! They enable him - give him pain pills if he is hurting to mix with his beer- why not just buy him weed too? He buys that himself! I am a fathful person but miss having a companion - I will not have sex with him period- how can you give yourself to someone who called a you a f'ing bitc& a few hours earlier. I want to turn him in for drunk driving and for weed but I don't know how without him knowing it was me. I guess I should not care - he told me he hates me and no man will ever love me - I am the root of all of his problems . I guess his first wife was too ! mmmmmmm- I see a pattern.......

Much peace - God knows I need it - my Dad is terminally ill with cancer - my Mom has emphysema that is very bad and my husband said and I quote - 'Don't expect compassion from me - you won't get it." Aint life grand?! My college son will be home in 2 weeks and life will be better for the summer with my 2 boys - without them life would be unbearable! I am blessed with 2 wonderful sons! I can't have it all I guess.

prodigal

He has absolutely no compassion for himself; thus, he has none to give to you or anyone else. I realize you said "Ain't life grand?" facetiously. No, life with this man downright stinks. Your post title is "Things are no different." Yep. Nothing changes if nothing changes, as we say in Al-Anon.

I'm glad you are doing things without him that you enjoy. Have you considered taking your children and leaving this man? Have you considered kicking him out? It certainly doesn't sound as if you are overtly enabling him, but enabling comes in all sorts of flavors. Taking his verbal abuse makes you a walking target.

You said he is "painfully verbally abusive." From my own personal experience, I found out that the verbal abuse was one step away from the physical abuse. I was slapped around, shoved, and hit a lot after my exAH tired of ranting and raving. PLEASE have a safety plan in place!

Pajarito

Yes you can.
If you continue to take care of yourself and live your life the way you want to you may find yourself strong enough to walk away. You sound like me 8 months ago. My AH left me, but I took the time apart to evaluate how my life had been with him, and I decided I didn't want to go back to living the way I had. I'm not saying it's easy right now, but I can see glimpses of how I can live my life if I choose- surrounded by loving family and friends, doing what I want to do, living peacefully- without the verbal abuse. It's happening- slowly, but I'm getting there. Living with him was getting me nowhere.
(((Take care of you!)))

queenteree

(((redheadsusie))) You sound so much like me about a year or so ago. I was wishing my AH would just die, wanted to turn him in for drinking and driving, etc., and like your husband, mine has a cooler with a 36 pack in his truck at all times. Drinks from morning till night, every night. I took him to court and got a restaining order against him drinking at home, then stupidly dropped it with his promise he would stay in treatment. The day I dropped it, he called the police on me 3 times making up stories and wanted me arrested to "take me down like I took him down!" I ended up hysterical, rushed to the psych ward, almost had a nervous breakdown, put my house up for sale, no takers in this bad market. But you know what, I kept coming here, posting, reading, went to Alanon several times a week, worked the program, detached, and though AH is still living at home and still drinking 24/7, I have actually remained calm and kept my serenity. I am grateful for every day that is a peaceful day, and it seems like as long as I keep doing that, another day comes that is peaceful yet again. Please, keep reading and posting, and like others have said, you will gain strength and trust me, whichever direction you finally do chose to go in, it will be the right one for you, and it will work out. We are all such strong people, having lived with what we live/lived with, we just don't give ourselves enough credit at times. Talk to you soon. (((hugs)))

Redheadsusie

Thank you ladies! I just got back from an Al-Anon meeting and it felt good to be around others who are dealing with the same types of issues. It is an all women's group so there were mostly husband issues- not all though!

I am taking it all one day at a time. I am sure he will be on the boat drunk when I get home from work- he will come in like last night - high and drunk - yell at my son - yell at me - scare the dogs (that really pisses me off) and then eat everything in sight and then go to bed angry at the world. His parents say it is all because he was pre-mature. WTF! He is 45!

I can just worry about me - and today I am getting a new listing - am taking a second job tomorrow at a cool Colonial Williamsburg store with a great atmosphere and that is it! I will walk the dog tonight - hang out with my wonderful son, look at my pretty yard, see my nice neighbors and exercise. I am blessed! I also talked to one of my dearest friends today who just went on Buddhist Relief Mission to Tibet and got detained in China and beaten he has broken nose and black eyes. It took him 2 weeks to get home. While he was there his x boyfriend died of cancer in Rome. My problems seem small today!

Thank you for all of your support!

makeachange

I just wanted to post and say I totally understand what kind of person you're living with. My AH sounds a lot like yours. I thought I'd mustered enough courage to file for divorce, but I found myself weakening and actually agreed to give him another chance this past week. That's like chance #3,498 or something like that. My heart hurts for you because I have been there...I'm actually still there... I don't have anything wise to offer except to say you aren't alone.

T

Shivaya

Welcome RedheadSusie, glad you are here..

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...I understand how you feel...

I find that the combination of reading here, reading alanon literature/attend mtgs., and seeing a therapist regularly have all helped me to get to a point where I no longer react to the stupid things ah does.

I am sorry for your situation and hope that you find the strength and clarity to live the life that you want!

Shivaya