Angelus

I have several people in my life like this, as we all do. Alcoholics, Drug Addicts, family and friends who are just plain toxic. Some it's easy to walk away from, some we can keep at as distance. But the rest, due to either circumstances, emotions, or a combination, we cannot escape from physically. We can detach emotionally, in fact we must, but due to our natures this is a struggle, a climb up a very steep hill with a peak we simply must reach to survive.

How does everyone cope? Right now I feel at war with myself. I want to walk away from certain people but a combination of compassion and irrational need keeps me pulled in.

NYC_Chick

I love my xabf still, so that is why it's hard to walk away from him. But in the bigger sense, it's hard for me to walk away because I'm addicted to chaos. It's what I grew up with and I feel normal when life is bad. If someone else isn't creating chaos in my life, I find a way to map it out myself. It's getting much better than it was, but this is why I have a hard time leaving people and situations that are not good for me.

Angelus

Yeah me too. Sometimes I feel led to believe it's normal to stay! That's how I developed as a kid.

I even worry that I'd look like the bad guy if I say enough and leave. "How could you walk out on her? She likes you and depends on you..." etc.

Barbara52

I cut off most contact with my parents when my children were young because of their alcoholism. It was difficult but I did it to protect my children which of course was my first priority.

I have cut off friendships when I realized they were toxic to me.

I have cut off most contact with my AH because I cannot help him or enable him any more. Its still very hard to watch him slowly destroy his life but I cannot do a thing for him since he refuses to admit to his problems.

How do I cope with the emotions surrounding this decision? I accept the sadness that sometimes is near overwhelming, I forgave him for the pain he has caused me, and I continue to work on my own issues.

NYC_Chick

Angelus: Boy have I been there!

I am the bad guy for leaving my ex. His family thinks I'm a selfish person who doesn't care about him. I also recently ended a friendship with a non-alcoholic, but extermely self-centered friend. I set boundaries for how I want to be treated and she was upset by them. After 7 years of friendship and being blown off time and time again, I've had enough. She thinks I'm "mean." Oh, well.

In the end, the only person that can look out for your sanity is you. I would be lying if I said I didn't care at all how people view me, but it fades each time my life benefits from making good decisions for myself.

Hang in there and keep doing what is right FOR YOU!!!

Astro

It was a situation like this that brought me to CoDA last year after two years of sobriety. As I progressed in my recovery I discovered that friends from the program and even family members didn't always have my well-being in their best interest. What I learned is that I don't have to condone their behavior or react to it. I can be in the same room and simply do my best to detach emotionally and with love.

This is one of my favorite readings from Language Of Letting Go about this topic, I post it often.....

Monday, October 20, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Detaching with Love

Sometimes people we love do things we don't like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we're all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.

When do we detach? When we're hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play - an attempt to control or force others to do something they don't want to do. When the way we're reacting isn't helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we're reacting is hurting us.

Often, it's time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.

The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don't help. The next step is getting peaceful - getting centered and restoring our balance.

Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.

LaTeeDa

Ahhh, you have just uncovered a treasure here. If you can get to the bottom of that irrational need and deal with it, you will be well on your way to healing.

L

Rella927

Great post as always Astro!

I have been learning to "Detach with Love" a lot more now with help from Al-Anon, SR and my HP. I have allowed so much into my life that I never did before-It has given me the ability to detach from those I love. This allows personal responsibility for their own actions.

Just over the past month I had to do this with my brother again-When the phone rang-I took deep breathes and told myself that his drunken behavior was not acceptable and with what I'm going through in my life right now-I will not answer and get sucked into his world. I left him to God...

Detaching is something that can be difficult to do but with more recovery it becomes easier IMHO.

I no longer have time to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational. I only have time for ME!

Irrational needs you say pull you in? Try working on this a bit more...

Breathe.....read a book....doing something you enjoy.....lay down in the grass on your back and look at the sky while hearing nature all around you! That is when I know peace is what I want in my life-which I can control-if others do not want peace that is their choice but I do not have to allow their chaotic world into my life- So I love from a distance-

hbb

My relationship was the opposite, he left me because he was the one with the dysfunction and chaos and needed to be feed that. I was devastated, sad, mad, hurt and every other emotion as to why he would leave someone like ME.

After ALOT of therapy I've come to the conclusion that i didn't know who i was and that i DO and truly want a better life for myself. I know in my heart that he's still living in that massive dysfunction with his exgf but it's a HUGE stress reliever in my life. Some might say it's boring, I've come to terms that it's how life should be for me.

Don't feel like the bad guy for living YOUR own happy life....it's too short!

Angelus

Hugs guys. That was wonderful

I used to own Language of Letting Go, I let a friend borrow it. I just requested it back