Consequences and Boundaries?
 

I'm new here and just reading as much as I can to help me figure out what's best for my family. I need some help understanding consequences and boundaries. Right now with my AH, I feel like the only request I can make which has any impact is to ask him to leave. What other boundaries can I set up to protect myself? He has stopped drinking since November 2007 but had a relapse last night (driving drunk as well). I guess I don't know how to respond.

Any thoughts? I'll formally introduce myself in a separate post. Just kept coming back to my immediate need to provide a boundary for this behavior. He needs to have a consequence right? Still searching for answers...

No

They come at their own timing. His own actions will bring consequences.

Boundaries are what you do to protect you from his actions and may be used to protect you from the consequences of his actions.
Drink and drive... I take keys.
A person wants to drink and drive..they can do as they wish but not with a car that has my name on it.
I can make strong requests of others by telling them what I find acceptable. They can comply or they will need deal with how I set my boundaries.
A boundary can be a simple as not listening when a person is rude to an extreme of...disable a car so they can't drive it...or even telling them...you leave or I do.
Try the simple before jumping forward to the extreme because a boundary is only as good as us holding to them. If I say it, I need do it.

Thanks for the reply. I'm struggling to come up with boundaries. AH and I have been married for 7 years and have 18 month old twin boys. I used to be his drinking partner, but once we got pregnant, I quit. And, I haven't really had much to drink since. I just know I can't function for the boys if I party the night before and I started to realize that I was only encouraging him. (And I just stopped liking it really.) He kept drinking and kept driving and kept staying out late. He's a binge drinker...doesn't drink every night but when he drank, he drank until he passed out. This happened 3-4 times a week. I finally had it back in November. I kicked him out. He was gone for about three weeks. We saw each other during that time, and he got to visit with the kids. He admitted he had a drinking problem and started going to AA and seeing a therapist. BUT, he didn't think AA was doing anything and his therapist wasn't doing anything except telling him to go to more AA meetings. He stopped going a couple of months ago. (Big red flag, right?) I truly believe that he doesn't really see himself as an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink since November but he hasn't really done anything to "recover".

Fast forward to last night. He went out for a dinner meeting with clients. When he got home last night, he was falling down drunk. I was FURIOUS. All I kept thinking is that he could have killed himself or someone else. I made him sleep on the couch. He was acting like nothing was wrong this morning. He did call me later and apologize but I feel like it's all just talk. Right now, there is no consequence for what he did.

So, do I tell him that if he drinks he cannot drive the car? I cannot have him drinking around my kids. That is a definite boundary for me. But if he doesn't drink at home (and finds a way home, i.e. a taxi or something), do I just keep my mouth shut? I know I need to go to an meeting for spouses because I feel like I'm either giving him an ultimatum or enabling him. It's all so confusing. I know I can't control him but I won't have him in my life if he continues to do this.

I'm just very confused. Shannon

That is the crux of it, isn't it? And that is where the tough choices are.

Your boundaries will come naturally, when you distill things down and simplify what it is that you really want for your life, and your children's lives.

It's really very simple, but far from easy. ((()))

L

this really helps
 

i just joined and my bf is into drugs. and i wanted to know how to help him and i am big reader.
so i went to barnes and noble and found an amazing book. it really helped.

its called, "get your love one sober: alternatives to nagging, pleading, and threatening: by robert j meyers, ph.d and brend l. wolfe, ph.d

it was everything i was looking for and i am sure you are too. it helps you indentify triggers, stop enabling, communication and your behaviors. each chapter has activties that help you.

good luck. i hope this helps. :)

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm going to get it this afternoon.