Laan

Well yeah - as the title says! I'm so utterly disgusted with my parents.

My dad is just deteriorating every day - you can't think he gets worse, then he does. He has gone and convinced my mother to quit her job to take care of him. To "help" him get sober. He's done this so many times before!

They signed a contract to sell our house (if it goes through we're in trouble - yes we get money, but they won't have much to live on; if it doesn't the bank takes everything) My mother was the only one working - we still lived from my dad's previous savings & salary.

I'm making plans to get out - whether it be with a friend or with my bf, I'm really hoping to be outta there by the end of May! I'm still feeling guilty for wanting to go - they do resent me (they made it clear over the weekend - huge fight) But I want to start my own life - I don't want to bring their baggage over into my (future) life!

I don't know if I should tell my mother she's making a mistake, or to just keep quiet? I feel she forgives way too easy! Am I the one too hard on him? I don't think so!! If I go back & read some of my posts or diary entries I can't help but get angry.

Bernadette

hey Laan-
anger points us to the place that need change!
I'm glad to hear you're still making plans for getting out on your own. Stay strong.
There's nothing you can say to your mom to make her "not" do something.
But you can share your concern with her. You know, The "I" statements -
I love you, I worry about you focusing so much on Dad, I've been __________ (reading this book? going to this meeting? this therapy? etc) and its been helping me see things differently.

Then you have to let it go.
She is an adult.
Part of your responsibility is to respect that...sadly sometimes that can be soooooooo painful when we see loved ones making damaging choices.

But HEY you have things that need your attention!! Like YOUR future and YOUR plans, and YOUR mental health!!

One day at a time - let the anger be the fuel - but don't let it burn you - just keep moving forward one day at a time.
Peace,
B.

Laan

Thanks Bernadette,
Your right, but the anger is doing exactly what you say I must not allow. It is burning me up from the inside out.

I'm not sure how to control it at times - i tend to lash out at the wrong ppl sometimes. Like yesterday when I got home & everything was in a mess & he was absolutely wasted (he can't even talk properly - he starts saying the same 3-5 words over & over - paw-paw and mango-mango?????? :wtf2 I started freaking out on my bf & he was like all surprised that I yell @ him that he must start making plans - that I'm either leaving with or without him!

I realize I might need some form of therapy, but I can't now. I just simply can't....it's just too complicated now.

But thanks for the advice hey - coming here to get advice & read other posts is like food to my soul!!!! :ghug3

AbsentFriend

Even though it seems like therapy isn't an option for you right now, you ARE taking action - that's great. And if you stayed in this situation, therapy wouldn't do you much good anyway. "Structure before function," as they say.

I agree that expressing your concerns is a loving thing to do with your mother, but you can do so and then let go.

Take care of yourself.

Laan

I felt so bad for wanting to leave, but you know, my mother makes me SO mad!

When my dad is drinking, I am her best friend & she constantly moans in my ears about him. But when he doesn't really drink that much (yeah - he's "trying not to" again) then she complains and moans by him about me!

Yesterday she tried to call me on my cell - but I was working & couldn't take the call, so she left a message. Without knowing she didn't put the receiver down properly, she said many hurtful things about me. She still doesn't know that I heard it all & I am slowly simmering in the anger.

She complained about how I just go to my room when I get home, that you can't have a conversation with me (why would I want to?) Then I heard my dad say to her "f*** her" and "she must f*** off" and her response was "I fully agree"

I couldn't believe it! I have taken so many physical and emotional blows for her - tried to help her as much as I can & this is what she says? Sure, I don't quite support her by giving her hugs or talking to her about it all, but my one friend told me something true yesterday -neither does she, she doesn't do anything for me either.

I would have taken her & my brother into my own house if I could & that's how she treats me!!!! I feel like leaving & never having any contact with them ever again!

Any advice on how to handle that?? I'm even more angry & confused now!!!

Bernadette

Wow - holy cow that would burn me up too. Shocking.
Sorry you had to hear that....UGGGHHH!!!
You have been giving so much to your mom. And you would be prepared to give more!

But now when you look back - and you see that everything you were doing, the listening, the shoulder to cry on, the support, all your pain, fear and worrying, the INVOLVEMENT has gotten you to a place where:
a) Dad is still drinking/his life is unmanageable
b) Mom is still on a roller coaster, mom does not live in REALITY, and has expressed these types of bitter feelings about you in solidarity with the alcoholic!!!!!

Yes, Laan, this is the absolute picture of the INSANITY that goes on in alcoholic families. Your mother is as sick from this addiction as your father.

This is a very,very painful truth you are learning. very painful. You are so angry because you LET yourself be a pawn in someone else's chess game. And that someone should be loving you and protecting you not dissing you! It's just TOO MUCH!! But those days can come to an end -TODAY!!

You cannot control what this disease is doing to your parents.. You CAN control what it is doing to you. You will get nowhere trying to battle with your mother about what you overheard her say. If you want to let her know just mention it as casually as you can - "...you didn't hang up today and I heard some hurtful things that you said about me. I'm disappointed and I don't deserve that kind of treatment." And then Let it Go! It will not be easy to tune out her response, but you can try!

And keep focusing on your MOVIN OUT plans.
Have you made a list?
have you worked out even a tentative budget?
Can you get to an Alanon meeting, if that helps you, to relieve some of this pressure and anger that is all natural to feel. You are not crazy Laan, your feelings are pure and natural and understandable. Just use the knowledge that your feelings are guiding you to to do something positive for LAAN!!!!!

Sending you a big (((HUG)))
Stay strong- and know that if you keep detaching and moving forward you can choose to have serenity and good times all around you! And SANITY!!!!
Peace,
B.

angelfromheaven

I feel so sad to hear that and send you big hugs up the N1 ;-)
I agree with Bernadette, you can't help anybody else except yourself and get your life sorted and leave quietly. It hurts but perhaps one day your mum will make the right choices for herself. When that happens you can choose to be there for her but now it is about you. You are clever and able to detach and I hope you have the strength to continue doing so. Make the right choices for your own life

Did you find this Alanon meeting near to you?

Thinking of you

really_fed_up

Yes, and he'll do it again and again..until he decides to change for good and your mom decides she won't enable him anymore; she can't save him any more than you can.

Don't feel guilty; you have a right to your own life without the insanity of others...I felt guilty a LONG TIME because I, too, wanted to live my own life outside of my sister's alcoholism--my parents considered it my "duty" to help her time and time again...until I finally put my foot down and started living for myself and not for them or my sister. You have a right to your own independence; just because your parents choose to live in a dysfunctional, codependent relationship doesn't mean you can't have happy days.

Sweetie, no matter what you tell your mom, she's going to do what she feels is best--regardless of how much advice you give her. I know it's heartbreaking to see parents go through this...but they are adults, and they are responsible for their own actions. I've accepted that my mom will continue to enable my sister and her drinking; that's my mom's choice, not mine, and because I've accepted that I can't change my mom (just as much as I can't change my sister), I feel good about changing what I can--my own life.

I wish you all the best...I know this is so hard, having been caught in the dysfunctional alcoholic family triangle for many years...but you are doing the right thing for wanting to be independent. Take the steps to get yourself there.

Laan

aw, had to repost this (something went wrong with my post)

basically i just said thank you all so much. i'm overcome by tears because of this whole thing! it's breaking my heart.

i spoke to my boyfriend this morning, it looks like it'll really be happening - we're going to move in together. we didn't really want to do it this way, but yeah. for our sanity (he's there every night, so he knows & feels the same) it's gonna take time, so i hope it'll be a peaceful process, but at least it's starting to happen now.

thanx all - ur the best :ghug

Bernadette

Laan!
That's great hon!
One day at a time - hope you can breathe easier soon--
Peace,
B.

angelfromheaven

That's so stunning to hear. I am happy that he is such a support to you and perhaps it was meant to happen and something good comes out of this at least.
Have peaceful weekend, hope you can get out a bit

Barbara52

Personally, I would let your mother know that you overheard the nasty comments and let her konw that is part of why you are moving out. For me, honesty would lead me to let her know the consequences of her actions.

What you are doing isn't easy but you can do it.

Freedom1990

Laan I just wanted to thank you for your posts, and I am so sorry for your pain.

You help me understand a lot of what my father went through when he was growing up. Both of his parents were alcoholics. I never knew them because they died about a year apart while he was still in high school, which left him to take care of his two younger brothers by himself.

My dad has never drank, but both of his brothers turned out to be alcoholics too.

I know it still hurts his heart. He never talks about it.

Sending you many warm hugs on the Kansas winds today! :ghug2

Laan

Well, since my first post on this.....my parents are back to hating each other - as I expected.

My dad has kicked me out yet again (he's done it sober & drunk now) I'm not even worried anymore - I'm looking at places today already, but I'm more concerned for my brother now.

My father is really targeting my brother these last two weeks. He's been sober for 21 days (so he says - I don't believe him because he'll still go to the bar for "a cream soda" and you can see when he's been drinking, even if it is only a little)

I cannot understand why he is so much on my brother's case - for every single thing. Even the smallest stuff. If he walks a bit funny he'll start this massive fight & then pull out all the old stuff. Especially about work - my brother wanted to go study something in IT, but of course my dad absolutely refuses. He's become incredibly self-centered and selfish - he only thinks of himself now.

Last night, first he screamed at me for something (I don't even know what - I was just sitting there), then when he didn't get what he wanted, he started chatting to me as if he's my best friend. Telling me that it was his 21st day - then staring at me for like 15 seconds for me to respond.

What does he want me to say? You can't count a day even if you only had a small glass of alcohol! Was he expecting me to congratulate him? Forget it!!!! Geez, I haven't even explained all that has happened in the meantime, but this is already so much. I can write a whole essay on it al!

My question is then - what is there to be done about my dad's aggression towards my brother? My brother is already so depressed - he's on the edge & ready to snap!

What can I do? My brother doesn't want to come with me if I move out? What now? Now I'll feel even more guilty if I move out & live happily with my bf (maybe even husband soon) & they are suffering.....once again, I am torn!

SailorKaren

How old is your brother, my dear? If he is an adult, then the choices he makes are his to own. Your first responsibility right now is to YOURSELF Laan. Remember, every member in an alcoholic family is at risk of developing the addictive process of codependency, your brother included. Your task is to get clear of all of it and give full attention to your healing process.

Remember that it is OK to feel anger. It is not OK to hurt someone in your expression of it. In my abuse recovery group, we used to discuss ways of expressing anger that were helpful rather than hurtful. I used to pound the top of my bed with my pillow while yelling NO over and over. It worked well too, until my electric blanket went on the fritz! I recently read about someone who would go to a glass recycling center and smash bottles. Oooo, that sounds really inviting to me. Maybe you could go with your bf and smash them together. If you can involve him WITH your anger instead of targeting him, it might actually be a neat bonding thing for you both.

Laan

Your right hey - everybody tells me to just let go and think about myself, but I feel so selfish. I have to leave my brother and pets behind. I have tried to get a place to be able to take them all with me - but no luck! I am moving into a small place with my bf tomorrow, but I feel so bad. I've hardly slept this whole week.

My father is also threatening to kill my pets - just to hurt me even more. He is a mean and evil man! I cannot let them be put to sleep just like that! I also cannot get it over my heart to just give them away to anybody. Against my will, I have asked friends if they could help - no luck. I need to understand that, but I do not know what to do & the deep anger I've been pushing deeper & deeper down wants to come out.

I feel so helpless and guilty - I really don't know what to do. I thought that if I could get out of there things would move in the right direction & things would sort itself out, I really didn't think it would be this painful for me to think about myself...

Laan

Once again, that cruel and evil man has a controlling hand in my life!

I'm so tired of him. Worst of all, I'll be leaving so much behind. It's tearing me up!!! My pets, my brother - this is so unfair. I pray for a miracle.

Barbara52

It is painful to remove yourself from a situation you cannot change. ITs hard thinking and acting for yourself when you have a history of not doing so. But it is right and good to protect yourself and to move forward to a better life for yourself.

As time passes perhaps you will find ways to support your brother so he can come to make healthy choices for himself also.

As for the pets, do they animal shelters where you live? Perhaps they can help out?

Laan

My brother is still a worry for me - but they've at least got family - like you say, maybe later I could help. I really would if I could.

We have animal shelters, but they would not come out alive - I can't really take that chance. I don't know, maybe somebody in SA reads this & disagrees - but those places we have here are unreliable. Shelters would rather just put them to sleep. I can't allow that, I just can't.

I should be enjoying this - tomorrow I'll be in my own place - our first place together, to start our lives. I get so excited, but then the guilty feelings get to me again: "how could you do this - this is selfish" it goes on hey.

I'm getting about only an hours sleep almost every night and I'm hecticly overloaded with my old and new job (still haven't found someone to take my old position) so I'm so stressed. It all just wants to go bad again...

katie44

I'm so sorry you had to hear your mother say those terrible things. I would let her know what I heard. Nothing will change unless you change. Your mother sounds like she is in total denial. If this is the way she is choosing to live there in nothing you can do. As for pets could you not find them a home? I do realize that the shelters will not keep them long. Once you remove yourself from the chaos of your enviroment you may be able to think clearer how you can help your brother. You are not selfish nor should you feel guilty. It is selfish for them to expect you to live in that situation. It's okay to feel angry, we have all been there family af addicts. ((( hugs))))