Pajarito

(((Thank you!))) I see the value in this too. I tend to get anxious about it- probably because my dad was pretty difficult to deal with growing up. He was physically and mentally/emotionally abusive. My AH is not physically abusive- however- he drops out from time to time- like when we lived together he'd spend a lot of time sleeping, watching tv, or playing poker online. I couldn't stand how much time he spent avoiding us, so I probably tried to make up for it with her. I know I am a strong presence in her life. I just feel angry sometimes that I tried so hard to protect her from his insanity, and now there's no avoiding it- I have to be more honest with her about what's going on. She seems so innocent and sweet still. I worry this is going to send her down a path of making bad choices with men. . . but I know I cannot control who she chooses to be with. I can only try to be a good role model. I'd have to say that getting out of a very stressful, loveless marriage is a start.

BTW- He did not call last night, and I didn't have time to address it with dd- I had to teach, so she stayed with a babysitter. He's out of town. I am trying not to think about what he could possibly be doing. I'm really frustrated with him. He's portrayed himself as the victim in this situation. Even though he left, he's decided I threw him out, I won't accept him for who he is, I've never loved him. . . blahblahblah. Could be he's trying to punish me. My bday was last week and he said nothing about it. Could be he's pouting- "Why won't she call me?" Who knows. All I know is it's been 5 days since we heard from him. I do not feel like calling him, our dd hasn't asked, and I have to figure this out. <CRABBY>

LaTeeDa

Maybe you should take the pressure off yourself. Maybe you don't have to figure this out. At least not immediately. Sometimes I find myself pushing too hard for a solution, or resolution. Maybe some time is all that's needed. I know when I try to solve something for my kids that they didn't ask me to solve, I'm really doing it for me. I think your daughter will let you know in her own way if she wants to talk about it. She may not start a conversation, but she will show you if it (or anything else) is bothering her.

L

Pajarito

<<<sigh>>>
Yes, I know I am trying to do this for myself. I'm trying to figure a lot of things out right now that don't make sense.

I also think some of the other people who have replied to this post have made another good point a few times- don't wait or ignore the elephant in the room. That's what I struggle with. Balancing talking about obvious things- maybe only to me, though. . . and waiting until she brings them up. Sometimes it's hard to know how/when to talk. I know I do tend to think about my issues- which are not her issues.

Bernadette

Hey Paj-
WOW....I think what LaTeeDa said is amazing. Thank You LaTeeDa!! I needed to hear that too! How many things have I screwed up trying to anxiously rush them to the "finish" line....too many to count.

Because it is hard to live with the anxiety... I also know that when I was a little girl if JUST ONCE my mom had come to me and said "here's what's going on - and I 'm here to share the load - but I don't have all the answers either," Not offering solutions but just acknowledging that yes, there is a problem here and it is not your fault! That would have been awesome and I would have felt less alone.
Peace,
B.

LaTeeDa

I agree. There is a huge difference between communicating and solving.

L

Pajarito

I also agree. But do you wait to talk to your kids when they bring it up- or do you acknowledge a problem before they do (the elephant in the room)? I don't feel I can solve what's going on with my AH- I think I am trying to figure out how or when to talk about it with my dd. But maybe it's MY elephant and not hers- yet. She has not brought it up. I- however- am anxious about the fact that my AH has not tried to connect with her for 5 days now. He's starting to do this more frequently, but it's never been for this long. I hate how anxious I get- and I will bring this up today when I go see my counselor (perfect timing). Thanks for your input. . .

LaTeeDa

I would say I give them the opportunity to bring it up. Like Bernadette's example--I understand that all these changes can be difficult, and I am here if you need to talk.

Sometimes, it comes out when you least expect it. I remember watching tv with my son once and a commercial came on showing a happy family all doing something together, smiling, having fun, etc. He says "why can't we have that?" I say have what? (thinking he is talking about whatever product was being advertised) He says "how come everyone on tv has a happy family that is together, why can't we have that?" I have to tell you it just about broke my heart, but it was the start of an amazing dialogue with him.

L

Pajarito

Ok- in thinking about this I have to say that some of my anxiety comes from letting my AH intimidate me. He does not always deny he has a drinking problem, but he also sometimes blames everything on anxiety- that he hated his job, he drank, now he has a job he likes, so he doesn't drink- it was all a big mistake-why can't you (Me) be happy? He gets very defensive if I try to talk about alcoholism with him- and believe me- I talk about it compassionately. If I tell him I talked to a friend about what is going on he'll say things like, "Did you tell her I'm a drunk?" From some of these types of comments I have come to the conclusion that he does not want dd to know the "truth." I've said it before- I do not badmouth him- and never will to dd. The "dad is an alcoholic" conversation is going to come up from time to time- and various things may come out that he probably won't want known. I feel like I am walking a thin line between stating the truth and trying to protect dd. I think what I need to do is eliminate AH from this and be honest with dd- but also don't want to scare her.

Thanks LTD- and everyone for your feedback. This is obviously weighing on me today.

Bernadette

Hmmmmmm
well it seems like the elephant in your living room is "mom and dad have split up and dad seems to be inconsistently available" Why he is that way? Maybe not such a big focus. As long as she knows that whatever it is, it is NOT her. It is: "whatever he is struggling with that's making him unreliable right now." You don't have to have all the answers because the focus is on her feelings not on him.

I mean, YOU may feel it is alcoholism that is causing the problem, but you don't HAVE to go into all that....and maybe that's not why he's staying away...he'll have to answer for himself one day...but his unavailability - that I think you can offer her an opportunity to talk about. I guess you're just trying to open the door...it might end up being a very casual 1 minute conversation and she may seem unbothered...but at least you have opened the door - never a bad thing.

hang in there- it is so hard when we have anxiety about our children's feelings - mama bear kicks in and we just want to protect them and sometimes there is no right way...it's like between trying not to repeat bad codie behavior and not being addicts who stuff all these feelings and numb then - it's like -gaaarrrhh what is the natural/normal thing to dol!!!!
Peace,
B.

Pajarito

Thanks B. Right- nothing feels natural or normal now. I'm hoping normal will come to mean living peacefully. Normal used to be living in chaos. I just don't want to create anymore of it myself. . .

Pajarito

A quick update:
I talked to my counselor yesterday- and she backed all of you up. :o) You guys are the best. She told me to let my self off the hook (LTD), she told me to talk to dd, but that it doesn't have to be about alcoholism- it can just be about what's going on at the time. So- I did. I picked her up from school (not a face-to-face conversation Freedom!) and told her I was sad we hadn't talked to her dad for a few days. How did she feel about that- did it bother her? "No, not really." Would you like to call him later when we get home? "Maybe." Geeeesh! I guess the bottom line is I learned something this week. Something to add to my growing list. I don't feel as anxious about it. Thanks all of you for your input! Paj

cautious

Hi, Paja. I know your post was a couple of days ago, but I'm just reading it & wanted to second the counselor's advice.

I've had the same experiences & concerns about a 9 y.o. dd. I've had reassuring results with "honey, I've been noticing that you and your dad haven't had the chance to talk lately -- do you want to call him?"

Sometimes she says yes and we do. Sometimes she says no and we don't. She's really had a great attitude about it, and I think it teaches her that it's okay to consider what SHE needs or wants.

Hang in there -- I've been watching your posts and think you're doing great!