Got Ugly, Need Prayers

Old 04-14-2008, 06:29 AM
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Got Ugly, Need Prayers

Hi Everyone,

I'll try to summarize what's been going on. AH has been growing increasingly more abusive(verbally). He started drinking again after being RAH for about 16 years back in July. I have also caught him a couple of times with cocaine and told him if I ever saw it in our home I would call police.

I've made the decision to take steps to plan for divorce, including fianancial and health(hadn't had a physical in years). I also took the kids for a couple of days to a waterpark in WI to "get away" for a couple days. I told AH we were going and he was shocked that I didn't want him there. He claimed he was "all dried out". I told him he could go if there he would'nt drink, so of course, he didn't go. When I got there(WI), I got a call that one of my tests was abnormal. Well I got worried and texted AH. He texted back, "I'm glad you have the tools to deal with whatever life hands you, ALONE!" If I ever had any question if he loved me, this answered it.

Ok, so on Sunday there is a "situation" with AH and I, regarding his lack of cleanliness. He says FU and calls me names, blah blah blah. I leave with the kids to a bday party. When we get home, AH has spaghetti cooking(he used to make it when he was sober) another attempt to make up for being evil. After it started getting late, and kids are hungry, they start looking for AH and can't find him. He had passed out in the bathroom. My son woke him up and he (AH) went straight to bed(with burner on stove still on).

Well, I make kids dinner, and an hour later AH wakes up and I tell him, do you realize you left the stove on? He goes completely nuts and starts smashing things, rips the refrigerator door off the hinges, kicks in the dishwasher. The kids run upstairs, I try to call 911 and he rips the phone out of the wall. I find my cell phone and call. Police come and say yes he's drunk, but unless he hurts me he can smash anything in the house he wants, even the phone. They tell me I can leave. A lot of help. Well they calm him down and leave. AH yells to me "I hope you have cancer and die a slow horrible death!". He said it in front of the kids.

I'm scared to death of the future. Not of being without him, obviously. I haven't worked in years, no equity in home, 3 kids at home. I have no choice now. My only dielmna now is that I have some testing coiming up this week(found lump in breast and abnormal pap). The health insurance is really important right now, I don't know what will happen with that in a divorce. I also need to see if there's any way to get him out of this house after I file. I'm trying to find a good lawyer right now, and will post an update soon. I could really use some prayers(and a referral to a good, inexpensinve attorney in Illinois ).

Thank you all for listening!
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Old 04-14-2008, 06:52 AM
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First off you have my prayers for your health issues. I pray that you have the best possible care and outcome.

Secondly, please protect yourself and your children. It sure sounds like his violence is escalating. Call the cops each time. Leave the house if necessary. Stay safe!

See an attorney is a good first step. Laws are different every of course, but if the insurance is in his name, he can be compelled to maintain the insurance along with paying alimony and child support, attaching his wages if necessary.
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Old 04-14-2008, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by whatnow2 View Post

Well, I make kids dinner, and an hour later AH wakes up and I tell him, do you realize you left the stove on? He goes completely nuts and starts smashing things, rips the refrigerator door off the hinges, kicks in the dishwasher. The kids run upstairs, I try to call 911 and he rips the phone out of the wall. I find my cell phone and call. Police come and say yes he's drunk, but unless he hurts me he can smash anything in the house he wants, even the phone. They tell me I can leave.

Something smells rotten here. I have been specifically told, in the past, that destroying property is considered an act of domestic violence-intimidation. I would call a local domestic violence hotline, see if you can get outside assistance. It is possible that the police you were dealing with simply don't know the law, and the folks at the dv center do, and have contacts with the justice system, you should not have to deal with this in your house. My thoughts go out to you.
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Old 04-14-2008, 07:09 AM
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Old 04-14-2008, 07:17 AM
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I agree with Sailorjohn here. Talk to someone at your local domestic violence shelter, they will know the laws for your state. I do believe that ripping the phone off the wall to prevent you from calling 911 is a form of abuse.

My prayers are with you for your health and with the best possible outcome with your AH.
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Old 04-14-2008, 07:20 AM
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good morning whatnow2,
(((HUGS)))

Do you have some strong friends or rational family you can call on to be with you and support you? I read your story and the thought of you being alone in the house with this raging alcoholic is just unacceptable.

He's flipping his lid because you've finally made a stand and he wants YOU to react so he can have some pathetic internal rationalization for his behavior.

He wants you to react so badly that he shredded your house! INSANE! Your poor kids - that is so frightening. Reading your post my stomach literally flip-flopped--

That was the day I knew my marriage was over (even though I had been ruminating for years) that was the day I was like - oh OK this is it - now it's really OVER. My ex was not an alcoholic. He was an irresponsibili-holic (if you get my drift!) and thanks to my family history I was a raging, sick, co-dependent. We had a fight - the SAME fight as always one morning, and he completely flipped out and tore up the entire house - the TV, toaster, boom box, rice cooker, telephone. I grabbed my 3 yr old son and got the hell out of there because all I could think was HOLY SH*T!! WE are NEXT!!

Get some documentation of that destruction. Take pictures - or did you file a police report that lists the property damage? All that will come in handy for the divorce stipulation.

Maybe start looking into social services in your area. You may need a helping hand until you can get a job or school/training for a job etc. Whatever it takes for you to get independent and SAFE! You may need to see what type of state-supported medical insurance is available immediately if you're going to need that etc. I hadn't worked in years either - was completely broke - I just took all assistance that was offered me - I completely humbled myself to my REALITY - and man did I need HELP!!

Protect yourself #1 - my heart goes out to you today - and I hope all goes well with your health issues - take it easy (probably seems impossible right now)...you deserve love and peace in your life.
((((hugs)))) and more ((((hugs))))

Peace,
B.
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:14 AM
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Thank you for yor replies!

I just got a call from the local Domestic Violence organization. They got my info from the Police. They were very helpful and are going to help me file for an Order of Protection. I am going to see if AH will agree to leave on his own first. If not, I will file on Wednesday. I'd go tomorrow, but have tests scheduled at the hospital. Thank you again!
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:20 AM
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WhatNow- prayers for your health issues-I do hope things go well for you.

Please take care of yourself and your children-So happy that you did call DVO. They are great people and will help you. Please continue to follow through with the order of protection! It was the best thing that I could have done for myself....my A's anger and rage escalated and hearing someone go through what a lot of us here have been through just breaks my heart. I wish I knew back then what I know now-but I did not however-advice given here is something to really consider for yourself!

Prayers to you
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:24 AM
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My thoughts and prayers are with you.:praying

Please keep you and your children safe. If he is hitting things and destroying things it will only escalate from there.
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:29 AM
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prayers whatnow being sent your way and your families way
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Old 04-14-2008, 09:27 PM
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My sister was a stay-at-home mom (of four children) for the last 20+ years. She was able to get a legal separation from her husband and have him leave the home. Her husband was ordered to pay child support, spousal support, and keep her and her children insured throughout their separation period (which lasted ~5 years). She's now actively divorcing her husband and her STBXH has been ordered to continue to provide health insurance for her and spousal support for life (due to the length of her marriage).

Her attorney specifically recommended that she seek a legal separation and NOT seek a divorce until after she reached the 20 year mark of marriage so that she could ask for life-long spousal (and health insurance) support.

There may be similar laws in your state, too. It's best to consult with a good divorce attorney. My sister's lawyer may have been expensive, but he didn't steer her wrong.

Best of luck to you and please get that order of protection and do everything in your power to keep you and your children safe.
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Old 04-14-2008, 10:46 PM
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My heart and prayers go out to you and your kids! Since you know that you may or may not have insurance later I would talk to the doctors now and see what you might qualify for assistance wise for medical care. That way at least you might be able to save some stress later.


Unfortunately I can relate to your story. I have been having some health issues of my own and have basically gone through everything alone. I have 2 kids and they have seen him be verbally abusive to me in various situations. I am in the process of going for a divorce soon, although he has no idea yet.

Anyways... I will be thinking of you and I hope you will post and let us know how things go.
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Old 04-14-2008, 11:04 PM
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Hugs, thoughts, prayers for you and your children. The road ahead may be rocky, but you will, someday soon, be happy that you don't have days like this anymore. Take good care of yourself and your kids.
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Old 04-16-2008, 01:35 PM
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WhatNow2, just read this today and wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for your family.

Stay strong and safe,


Shivaya
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Old 04-16-2008, 03:59 PM
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(big hugs to you)

Boy, the police huh? No help. I imagine their hands were tied and they probably desperately wanted to, but couldn't?
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Old 04-17-2008, 12:19 PM
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Reading your post made me cringe in fear. Been there, please keep you and your child safe. I would try to keep the peace, you are not safe.. I'm praying for your health issues and just your life in general. , :ghug2
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