Help! I need some reminders...(Long)
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Help! I need some reminders...(Long)
I cut off phone contact in January after I figured out that xabf lied, yet again, about getting sober. Since then, he sent a very long letter about all that changed with him, including figuring out that he is a different kind of alcoholic that can control drinking. This is after 3 years of lying to me about his alcoholism, and finally confessing right when we were supposed to get engaged.
After I read the letter, it was like someone stabbed me in the heart. I also knew that I just had to focus on myself because I am the only one I can control. I told him I would respond to the letter, but needed space. He would text once a week. Sometimes he was kind and respectful, sometimes he was mean and demanding that I give him an answer to his letter right then. When he realized he couldn't get me either way, he toned it down.
I took several weeks to write him back. Instead of focusing on his alcoholism, I focused the letter on myself and what I had learned since we split regarding my own patterns and how I believed they developed. I also took ownership for my parts of the relationship that were bad and the fact that I ALLOWED him to treat me this way.
I very briefly addressed his alcoholism. I told him that I was sorry for calling him an alcoholic and that I was aware it was his choice as to what he chose to call himself in the context of his drinking. I also told him I believed that several of our problems were caused by his drinking (something he disputed) based on what I had learned from several sources, but didn't go into any detail. I also told him it was his choice as to how to view our problems. I then told him what was acceptable to me in a romantic relationship at this point in my life with what I had learned so far about myself.
He reads the letter and is very upset by it because this has all been so painful FOR HIM! He is upset that I "deleted" myself from his life for refusing to speak to him. "It was like a knife through my heart," was what he said.
So I very nicely tell him I realized he was in pain, but that I now come first in my life. He says he will read the letter and get back to me. He adds "take care!" Code for "f*&^ you!"
I guess he must have read the whole thing. Today he sends text messages. He tells me he doesn't know what to tell me because I have cut him off. He also says, again, that he is very upset because I won't speak to him on the phone. I told him he had to figure out his own path, but this was mine right now and what was good for me. I also told him that he now knows what is acceptable to me and it's his choice to figure out what to do with that information. He gets upset and tells me that this is the most devastating thing he has had to go through, being without me. I again tell him I hope he is well, but I will not go back to my old ways and will not allow myself to be treated badly.
I feel like I'm sliding back. I know I have to let go completely because he will do what he wants to, but I am having a really difficult time cutting off ALL contact. I don't think it's because I feel like I'm abandoning him (which is why I didn't end it when I found out about his drinking), but I also don't know exactly why it is that I can't just cut and run.
I was walking a while back and had a very vivid vision of hanging off the edge of a cliff. He was standing on the cliff. I was literally hanging on to the bottom of his pants with two fingers. It was so real that I started crying on the street. The vision keeps coming back. Then I came home last night and had a dream that he was with someone else and he told me he never loved me and wanted to be with her because she was so much better than me. I don't know what to think of these visions/dreams.
I have seen all the positives that have come with focusing on myself, but for some reason that is not enough to get me totally unhooked from him.
I feel like I don't know how to do my own recovery right now.
Sorry for rambling : )
After I read the letter, it was like someone stabbed me in the heart. I also knew that I just had to focus on myself because I am the only one I can control. I told him I would respond to the letter, but needed space. He would text once a week. Sometimes he was kind and respectful, sometimes he was mean and demanding that I give him an answer to his letter right then. When he realized he couldn't get me either way, he toned it down.
I took several weeks to write him back. Instead of focusing on his alcoholism, I focused the letter on myself and what I had learned since we split regarding my own patterns and how I believed they developed. I also took ownership for my parts of the relationship that were bad and the fact that I ALLOWED him to treat me this way.
I very briefly addressed his alcoholism. I told him that I was sorry for calling him an alcoholic and that I was aware it was his choice as to what he chose to call himself in the context of his drinking. I also told him I believed that several of our problems were caused by his drinking (something he disputed) based on what I had learned from several sources, but didn't go into any detail. I also told him it was his choice as to how to view our problems. I then told him what was acceptable to me in a romantic relationship at this point in my life with what I had learned so far about myself.
He reads the letter and is very upset by it because this has all been so painful FOR HIM! He is upset that I "deleted" myself from his life for refusing to speak to him. "It was like a knife through my heart," was what he said.
So I very nicely tell him I realized he was in pain, but that I now come first in my life. He says he will read the letter and get back to me. He adds "take care!" Code for "f*&^ you!"
I guess he must have read the whole thing. Today he sends text messages. He tells me he doesn't know what to tell me because I have cut him off. He also says, again, that he is very upset because I won't speak to him on the phone. I told him he had to figure out his own path, but this was mine right now and what was good for me. I also told him that he now knows what is acceptable to me and it's his choice to figure out what to do with that information. He gets upset and tells me that this is the most devastating thing he has had to go through, being without me. I again tell him I hope he is well, but I will not go back to my old ways and will not allow myself to be treated badly.
I feel like I'm sliding back. I know I have to let go completely because he will do what he wants to, but I am having a really difficult time cutting off ALL contact. I don't think it's because I feel like I'm abandoning him (which is why I didn't end it when I found out about his drinking), but I also don't know exactly why it is that I can't just cut and run.
I was walking a while back and had a very vivid vision of hanging off the edge of a cliff. He was standing on the cliff. I was literally hanging on to the bottom of his pants with two fingers. It was so real that I started crying on the street. The vision keeps coming back. Then I came home last night and had a dream that he was with someone else and he told me he never loved me and wanted to be with her because she was so much better than me. I don't know what to think of these visions/dreams.
I have seen all the positives that have come with focusing on myself, but for some reason that is not enough to get me totally unhooked from him.
I feel like I don't know how to do my own recovery right now.
Sorry for rambling : )
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
It's ok, NYC. You needed to get this out.
Hang on (not to his pant legs!). You have far more recovery than you think right now. It's just a classic moment of the A getting inside your head and the disease thinking taking over. This may be a slip -- but it only needs to be a slip. Slips are part of recovery.
Where is your Higher Power? I suggest stopping whatever you are doing/thinking and getting on your knees (or whatever works for you) to make conscious contact.
NO ONE is impervious to this disease. That's why it requires a spiritual solution. The A has been messing with you. That's unmanageable for you. You are powerless over alcoholism (and all else) and its effects. Only your HP can restore you to sanity. Reach out for that help and let it in.
Keep posting. I'm signing off to go to a meeting myself but I'm sending out a prayer for you.
Hang on (not to his pant legs!). You have far more recovery than you think right now. It's just a classic moment of the A getting inside your head and the disease thinking taking over. This may be a slip -- but it only needs to be a slip. Slips are part of recovery.
Where is your Higher Power? I suggest stopping whatever you are doing/thinking and getting on your knees (or whatever works for you) to make conscious contact.
NO ONE is impervious to this disease. That's why it requires a spiritual solution. The A has been messing with you. That's unmanageable for you. You are powerless over alcoholism (and all else) and its effects. Only your HP can restore you to sanity. Reach out for that help and let it in.
Keep posting. I'm signing off to go to a meeting myself but I'm sending out a prayer for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Weekends are hard. Play the tape through. Remember he's not sober. Quack, quack, quack (okay, that's all the newly learned language I can muster for tonight). Be good to yourself tonight and step out of your thoughts with a little spoil-me behaviors. Things will probably look different in the morning, sweetie. They always did for me 
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
((((((NYC Chic)))))))
I can totally relate. I agree with what was said above but also wanted to add that I too, in past relationships have had a hard time letting go. Most of the time sabatoging the relationship because I always thought the guy was going to leave me. My thought was I will leave him before he leaves me.
I know it all sounds so screwed up, but my counselor brought this to my attention about a year ago. I have a lot of abandonment issues relating to my father always leaving me when I was a little girl. My counselor said sometimes abandonment issues can be really tough to work through.
I don't know if this is of any help to you or pertains to you, I just know for me, I sometimes too have a tough time cutting ties, even when I know it's for my own good.
We have our good days and then our bad days. Each day brings a new change and eventually, I think you will see in the end you're worth so much more then your xabf is able to give you.
I can totally relate. I agree with what was said above but also wanted to add that I too, in past relationships have had a hard time letting go. Most of the time sabatoging the relationship because I always thought the guy was going to leave me. My thought was I will leave him before he leaves me.
I know it all sounds so screwed up, but my counselor brought this to my attention about a year ago. I have a lot of abandonment issues relating to my father always leaving me when I was a little girl. My counselor said sometimes abandonment issues can be really tough to work through.
I don't know if this is of any help to you or pertains to you, I just know for me, I sometimes too have a tough time cutting ties, even when I know it's for my own good.
We have our good days and then our bad days. Each day brings a new change and eventually, I think you will see in the end you're worth so much more then your xabf is able to give you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
We alcoholics seem to have a "gift" for putting our loved ones through emotional hell. We have powers of persuasion that should make us coveted by the infomercial industry.
First of all, In my experience, there are "different" alcoholics. Dead ones, those who struggle, and those who pursue solid recoveries. None that I know who can control drinking. A "controlled alcoholic" is an oxymoron.
Second, what you write seems to imply only what you did to "him." while I know what happened to me, I am all too aware of who was responsible for that. Without admitting, accepting, and forgiving myself for that makes me fit for no woman.
He may truly love you. He may truly have the best intentions in the world. Being with you may be his most powerful visualization. He may be totally sincere. But he must accept, I think that, as an alcoholic, his rational brain is at the mercy of untreated disease.
If I had a highly communicable disease I could never consider putting my needs ahead of keeping my love safe. Real love means putting the others' safety and future before my own needs, even if that means quarantine for however long it takes.
As M'lady puts it "Actions speak louder than words." So common, so true. So, these days I am light on words and simply hope my actions convey the commitment I have-not to her as much to myself. After all it is the man that she loves and not the script that I read. I am totally at peace with whatever happens, as my love now has little to do with my needs but my need to give. The real man, no longer in the grip of addiction, is reemerging. The sad thing is, I thought he was always there.
Best to you!
warren
First of all, In my experience, there are "different" alcoholics. Dead ones, those who struggle, and those who pursue solid recoveries. None that I know who can control drinking. A "controlled alcoholic" is an oxymoron.
Second, what you write seems to imply only what you did to "him." while I know what happened to me, I am all too aware of who was responsible for that. Without admitting, accepting, and forgiving myself for that makes me fit for no woman.
He may truly love you. He may truly have the best intentions in the world. Being with you may be his most powerful visualization. He may be totally sincere. But he must accept, I think that, as an alcoholic, his rational brain is at the mercy of untreated disease.
If I had a highly communicable disease I could never consider putting my needs ahead of keeping my love safe. Real love means putting the others' safety and future before my own needs, even if that means quarantine for however long it takes.
As M'lady puts it "Actions speak louder than words." So common, so true. So, these days I am light on words and simply hope my actions convey the commitment I have-not to her as much to myself. After all it is the man that she loves and not the script that I read. I am totally at peace with whatever happens, as my love now has little to do with my needs but my need to give. The real man, no longer in the grip of addiction, is reemerging. The sad thing is, I thought he was always there.
Best to you!
warren
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I believe strongly in paying attention to my dreams, including waking ones, or visions as you put it. It seems that your psyche is telling you something. You are hanging on to that last little thread because you fear falling off the cliff. In my experience, that's very much how it feels to let go. Like falling or jumping off a cliff. When you trust yourself enough, you will be able to let go. I never got to the point where it wasn't scary. But I did get to the point of knowing that I wouldn't die if I let go. You'll get there, too.
L
L
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