Dealing with inlaws...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Dealing with inlaws...
I am currently working on figuring out how to get out of my marriage. Ah and his family are the royal family of denial. Mil and Fil will tell ah and abil that they dont approve of the drinking. Yet when ah or abil does something during a drunken stupor they are the first ones to bail them out or minimalize their behavior. I know that this is all symptomatic of enablers, but I need to figure out a productive and calm way to deal with these people once I ask for a divorce.
If I have my way I want to keep things on a good basis with open communication between all of us. I have no ill will against them. They are my kids family. But I am 99% positive that if things start to get nasty that they will bring up the fact that my housekeeping is BAD. I am somewhat better with it now and am working with a counselor on it. I know that it is something that I have a problem with. They on the other hand do not do anything to try to help their sons stop. I understand that there is nothing I can do about that nor can I make them stop enabling. They are more addicted to drama. I want nothing to do with that. My question is does anyone have any advice or ideas on dealing with people like this?
Also abil at one point got in my face in a drunken rage and threatened me and called me every last name in the book. I was not even the cause of why he was mad. When I told ah about it he claims he said something to him and abil apologized. Well thats him, not me. I'm afraid of the guy if he is drunk and will not be around him nor will my children in that case. Mil and Fil know that something happened but refuse to stand up for me in any way. Like I was saying in my last post abil just got out of jail. I have only spoke with him once when I answered the phone. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle situations where I dont want me and the kids to be around him, and ah and inlaws don't support this? It's not always as easy as getting up and leaving. I feel idiotic for asking these questions, but I want things to stay as calm and collected as possible for the kids. Thanks for reading.
If I have my way I want to keep things on a good basis with open communication between all of us. I have no ill will against them. They are my kids family. But I am 99% positive that if things start to get nasty that they will bring up the fact that my housekeeping is BAD. I am somewhat better with it now and am working with a counselor on it. I know that it is something that I have a problem with. They on the other hand do not do anything to try to help their sons stop. I understand that there is nothing I can do about that nor can I make them stop enabling. They are more addicted to drama. I want nothing to do with that. My question is does anyone have any advice or ideas on dealing with people like this?
Also abil at one point got in my face in a drunken rage and threatened me and called me every last name in the book. I was not even the cause of why he was mad. When I told ah about it he claims he said something to him and abil apologized. Well thats him, not me. I'm afraid of the guy if he is drunk and will not be around him nor will my children in that case. Mil and Fil know that something happened but refuse to stand up for me in any way. Like I was saying in my last post abil just got out of jail. I have only spoke with him once when I answered the phone. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle situations where I dont want me and the kids to be around him, and ah and inlaws don't support this? It's not always as easy as getting up and leaving. I feel idiotic for asking these questions, but I want things to stay as calm and collected as possible for the kids. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I'm the worst housekeeper on the planet, no competition. Big deal.
I can't control how others are going to react. I don't have children, but if I did I imagine I would put their care first. I would not hold out hope for open communication between all of you (his family), but it sounds like you can have it with you and the children.
There was a time I could not bear to have anyone think poorly about me or say something negative. Now I don't give a hoot. I am surrounded by people who love me JUST AS I AM. How great is that?
Hang in there - do what is best for you and your children and it will all work out. Not the way you might want to plan it, but I believe for the best. That's what worked for me.
((( )))
I can't control how others are going to react. I don't have children, but if I did I imagine I would put their care first. I would not hold out hope for open communication between all of you (his family), but it sounds like you can have it with you and the children.
There was a time I could not bear to have anyone think poorly about me or say something negative. Now I don't give a hoot. I am surrounded by people who love me JUST AS I AM. How great is that?
Hang in there - do what is best for you and your children and it will all work out. Not the way you might want to plan it, but I believe for the best. That's what worked for me.
((( )))
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
There is a good book-Getting Them Sober, Volume IV. This is an excerpt from Chapter 26: "I Feel Guility Because I Think I Didn't Do Enough To Make Him Want To Be Sober."
Anyone who calls you "an enablerr" has no concept of what real recovery is. . . Basically, it mean that you have cleaned up after the alcoholic's messes: that you have not been able to stop yourself from rescuing him or her from the consequences of their behavior. The reason you rescued the alcoholic is that you either were very fearful for them, or you were afraid of losing the alcholic's love, or you thought that the alcoholic would leave you if you "stopped putting up with it."
Nobody has the right to fault you: it's blaming the victim. That's a terrible thing to do to the family.
Furthermore, when you call someone an enabler, you are giving the alcoholic the alcoholic yet another excuse for his behavior. . .
What if you did enable-rescue-this alcoholic? If you did, you were acting from a very normal instinct to love and protect. . .
We got to stop calling family members "enablers" because they loved.
Families will stop rescuing when they feel safe enough to do so, when they have lost their fears losing the alcoholic. Attacking them for "enabling" only increases their fears and feelings of unworthiness . . .
I know how you feel. But also remember for your in laws that these are their sons, and they is a love there-they do not want them to fail --they are more protective sometimes.
Anyone who calls you "an enablerr" has no concept of what real recovery is. . . Basically, it mean that you have cleaned up after the alcoholic's messes: that you have not been able to stop yourself from rescuing him or her from the consequences of their behavior. The reason you rescued the alcoholic is that you either were very fearful for them, or you were afraid of losing the alcholic's love, or you thought that the alcoholic would leave you if you "stopped putting up with it."
Nobody has the right to fault you: it's blaming the victim. That's a terrible thing to do to the family.
Furthermore, when you call someone an enabler, you are giving the alcoholic the alcoholic yet another excuse for his behavior. . .
What if you did enable-rescue-this alcoholic? If you did, you were acting from a very normal instinct to love and protect. . .
We got to stop calling family members "enablers" because they loved.
Families will stop rescuing when they feel safe enough to do so, when they have lost their fears losing the alcoholic. Attacking them for "enabling" only increases their fears and feelings of unworthiness . . .
I know how you feel. But also remember for your in laws that these are their sons, and they is a love there-they do not want them to fail --they are more protective sometimes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by PrettyViolets 
There is a good book-Getting Them Sober, Volume IV. This is an excerpt from Chapter 26: "I Feel Guility Because I Think I Didn't Do Enough To Make Him Want To Be Sober."
Anyone who calls you "an enablerr" has no concept of what real recovery is. . . Basically, it mean that you have cleaned up after the alcoholic's messes: that you have not been able to stop yourself from rescuing him or her from the consequences of their behavior. The reason you rescued the alcoholic is that you either were very fearful for them, or you were afraid of losing the alcholic's love, or you thought that the alcoholic would leave you if you "stopped putting up with it."
Nobody has the right to fault you: it's blaming the victim. That's a terrible thing to do to the family.
Furthermore, when you call someone an enabler, you are giving the alcoholic the alcoholic yet another excuse for his behavior. . .
What if you did enable-rescue-this alcoholic? If you did, you were acting from a very normal instinct to love and protect. . .
We got to stop calling family members "enablers" because they loved.
Families will stop rescuing when they feel safe enough to do so, when they have lost their fears losing the alcoholic. Attacking them for "enabling" only increases their fears and feelings of unworthiness . . .
I know how you feel. But also remember for your in laws that these are their sons, and they is a love there-they do not want them to fail --they are more protective sometimes.
Anyone who calls you "an enablerr" has no concept of what real recovery is. . . Basically, it mean that you have cleaned up after the alcoholic's messes: that you have not been able to stop yourself from rescuing him or her from the consequences of their behavior. The reason you rescued the alcoholic is that you either were very fearful for them, or you were afraid of losing the alcholic's love, or you thought that the alcoholic would leave you if you "stopped putting up with it."
Nobody has the right to fault you: it's blaming the victim. That's a terrible thing to do to the family.
Furthermore, when you call someone an enabler, you are giving the alcoholic the alcoholic yet another excuse for his behavior. . .
What if you did enable-rescue-this alcoholic? If you did, you were acting from a very normal instinct to love and protect. . .
We got to stop calling family members "enablers" because they loved.
Families will stop rescuing when they feel safe enough to do so, when they have lost their fears losing the alcoholic. Attacking them for "enabling" only increases their fears and feelings of unworthiness . . .
I know how you feel. But also remember for your in laws that these are their sons, and they is a love there-they do not want them to fail --they are more protective sometimes.
Thank you for posting that. It gave me something to definitely think about. Ah says to me all the time " That is their son. You don't know what you would do in that situation because you have never been in that situation." I know understand a little better.
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