maryl

Hello Everbody,
Well I haven't posted lately because frankly I have been depressed and my stomach has been up in knots. oh and migrains.
After not drinking for 3 weeks my AH decided that he is a big boy and if he wants to drink he will. Well that was 2 weeks ago and he has drank everynight except once. I told him he needs to figure out what we need to do. I don't want to be married to him if he can't control his alcohol.
Well we also have friend of his. Matt was our best man at our wedding and his girlfriend. Well the girlfriend has tooken my husband to lunch and has told him and instant messaged me the samething, which is.... we should all have our time and family time but what he does on his time is none of my business. WHAT?! I don't think so. Also, that maybe I need to go back to work because when she did she felt better about herself. Okay, so I have a self-esteem issue. I think not!
The tention between us has everthing to do with him and his unwillingness to correct his alcohol problem. He has even told this girl that he's not willing to go to marriage counseling because his mom made him go all his young and adolecent life. (his moms a loon) Well first of all shouldn't I HAVE BEEN THE ONE FOR HIM TO TELL??? I felt like crap being the last one to know.
So we got into it again yesterday and I blew up and said some wrong things to him. Name calling solves nothing. I talked to him later that day and I apologized for my behavior and I also told him he needs to think about his. I thought all was okay for now. He comes home drinking at 9pm. I put my son to bed and he is one side of the room and i'm on the other. I asked if he wanted to watch a movie, play a game, maybe have a good talk. Instead he told me that he doesn't know whats wrong with him and that he can't be in this house right now. His chest and stomach feel like they are twisted. WELL WELCOME TO MY WORLD FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS. Since you told me you didn't know if me and my kids were enough for you.!!!!
He went to the room picked up an outfit and said he was going to stay over at Matt and his girlfriens house. Well isn't that great, The people who think everything is wrong with me and nothing is wrong with him. God, if only I had enough money to say" here I've tooken the liberty of deciding for you, bye-bye".
Can anyone give me some advice?? I love him dearly and am willing to go the extra mile but I feel that my willingness has been taken advantaged of and my heart has been uncared for by him.


Looking for a life jacket!!
maryl

countrygirl

I'm pretty new so I guess I can just repeat what others have told me. Focus on yourself, do what you want to do in this life. Let go of him and his enabling friends for tonight, for the moment anyway. Nothing you can do about it, so let 'em go. He can go get drunk at their house. Let them put up with it. Do something you want to do. It is all you can do, I think.

Just a few random thoughts

That girl is busy trying to fix everybody else's life, hmmm, sounds familiar, maybe quote her some Al-Anon stuff? But then you would be trying to fix her while she is trying to fix you ... Well, probably better to just let it go, can't win and a waste of your precious time, but it would be satisfying, wouldn't it?

Responsibility for hubby's choices rest with hubby. He can always find somebody to support what he wants to do ... them, a brother, somebody at work ... the friends are just excuses. He is the one choosing his own path in life.

You lost it - but you know it - so what - and hasn't he lost it plenty before? Forgive yourself, read some encouraging words, get your peace back. I know it is hard.

Mine is finally asleep on the couch, thank goodness. He was so spiteful today, looking for an argument - but it didn't happen.

Guess I was spiteful, too. He chose graham crackers over dinner, said he resented me telling him what to eat, how awful of me, cooking dinner. So after he went to sleep I gave his meat to the dogs and threw the rest of his dinner in the trash. If he wakes up hungry, guess he can eat more graham crackers.

Heck, I am not that good at advising or comforting. Just here to say I hear you, I'm with you.

ladyregah

Maryl,
I dont have alot of words of wisdom tonight save one thing someone told me years ago that I forget to remember when i need it the most... maybe it can be of some use to you... Would of course be better if you could get the visual from it but I will do my best typing
You have this much control over yourself
( ) -space your fingers that far apart-

And you have this much control over EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else in your world
() -same finger spacing as above-

When you say this to yourself and show your self the visual you will find that you begint o understand and then you are more able to take care of you... I hope this helps some I know it isnt much. Big hugs to you and the kids!

Kathie

ladyregah

You have this much control over yourself
(________) -space your fingers that far apart-

And you have this much control over EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else in your world
() -same finger spacing as above-

Sorry it screwed up that post... For some reason it took the spaces out from where they should have been. This should make it clearer

maryl

Lady & countrygirl,
Thank you so much for the support and words of wisdom. It gets really easy to handle when I know I am not alone and not going crazy.

Countrygirl you are so right. I have my kids in bed and I am just going to read next and relax. I have no conrol over him but I do have control of what I do.

He did call me tonight to say that he missed us but is thinking alot and is going in a more positive direction. He says he is staying at their house tonight and won't be going out. Our friends both work at a bar. Well as you wrote I will not worry if he comes home drunk, THEY can deal with him. My kids and I are safe and thats all that matters.

I really pray that he is truly genuine in wanting to find a resolution. Do either of you feel like you are constantly giving?? I am always making the compramizes, I feel it's time he does too! Thank you both so much again you have given me a nice warm feeling when it is so greatly needed at this time

I will also add you both in my prayers we are all in this together










((((((( hugs))))))))) maryl :p

ladyregah

do I feel like I am the only one giving... hmmm sometimes... When I first started coming here to read the posts and see what others were going through I did feel like I was the only one giving... Sometimes I look at AH's alcoholizm (SP) and think that it could be alot worse. He isnt verbally abusive to me sometimes he yells at the kids to much until i step on his toes and then he goes off to pout. He has never been physically abusive to me but I think that is because my mom lives down the street and she is a powerful woman. By that I mean that she scares him a little. His mom is like that too. and he knows that they would thump him in the forehead if he hit me, well if I didnt get him first. I dont stand for that.
When I started coming here I was tired of him getting drunk and acting like a dumba$$. I felt like I was the only responsible one in this marriage. See AH was in the navy 18years and was honorably discharged for a back injury that isnt healing. I had been dealing with weeks of his drinking and blaming other things for why he drinks, his back, I dont clean the house, the kids get on his nerves, the tenants we manage get on his nerves ect... you get the point... it's always something but never him.... and then he goes to the neighbors house and drinks more whenever I confront him about it and tell him that it is getting on my nerves. I guess someone has to stroke his ego and tell him its ok to drink till you cant walk...
I have learned something here though... I can take care of me and its ok.... I had forgotten that... he is going to do whatever he does and I dont have to like it but I am trying really hard to be done buying into it...

I learned something else about me... I have all the answers to everyone else problems I just dont have the answers to mine! Its hard to stop and listen to yourself. back to square one we go.. I think that I am rambling... Must be that dual personality that I have.. I wish I could get us all of the same page... lol
Don't let him get to you... Keep coming here... We are all listening and feeling the same things... Some days it is what keeps me sane...

((((((((((((((((((All the Anons)))))))))))))))))))))

maryl

Ladyregah,
You are so right on the mark. Going on 2 weeks now I have been going to the gym, taking walks and doing my own thing. Even taking care of the house and kids with no help from him. He has offered lately but I want him to know that I can live without him if I need to be. He doesn't know how to handle this new attitude. Maybe thats why he couldn't be in this house? I am doing things for me & my kids. We are going to church again tomorrow and we did that last sunday too. I even looked in the paper today for work ( I must be realistic, I may have to go back) I have an interview Monday If I choose to. Thank you for sharing your story with me. God bless and stay safe.


Lots of hugs
maryl

2many2count

I have found that my husband is more agitated when I do my ownn thing. When I don't have to depend on him for anything. They lose their control and thats what they love the most. To see us cry and beg. To see us having to have them even if they are drunk. As for your "friends" they don't soud like friends to me. It sounds to me that they would be losing a customer if your husband stops drinking. You said they owned a bar. As for girlfriend she really needs to mind her own business and tend to her own relationship. Seems like she has nothing better to do than mettle in your life. Just focus on you and your kids just the way I am. Its hard to not worry but when you consume yourself with worry you are no good to your kids. At least that is what I've found to be true. When I worry I don't eat or sleep. I'm highly agitated and snappy. When I chose a long time ago not to worry abouthim and his drinking I was a better parent when my kids needed me the most. Now that my life is upside down, I still don't consume myself with him and his problems now it involves my kids and me and that is all I'm worrying about.

I hope this finds you in good spirits and I didn't mean to ramble alot. Just thinking of you....

Love,
2many

countrygirl

Hey, hon, sure glad you came to the board when you were feeling low. Sure glad you wrote again, it sounds like you are doing fine. Quite fine.

Yes, I feel like I am the only one giving. Whatever. It isn't too bad and I am not giving up my home unless I have to - I do just about all the work around here but it bothers me more if the work isn't taken care of - So if it matters to me, I do it. As I see it as my choice, then I feel happier about it.

And this is a not very nice part - We were both unemployed for a time, now he is working. Since I have to do all the work around here, hmmm, boy, have I been having trouble finding another job. I know - that is not playing fair exactly - but I truly don't feel bad about it at all. Hee, hee, hee. When push comes to shove, I will get one, but for now I think it evens out better.

I have decided not to bother to cook any more on the weekends, it isn't appreciated so screw it, less work for me. Today, I have decided to do the grocery shopping and while I am in town, I'll just run by KFC and get my dinner. My kids are grown, so that makes it easier. Of course, I may not hold to that, but for today it sure sounds good.

My marriage is okay overall, weekends are not good, I am just getting through the weekend best I can, being hornery.

maryl

2many & countrygirl,

Thank you so much for posting to me. I did take my kids and I to church today and it went rather well. You are both right. They don't know what to do when they figure out that we can have a life too. I was given free tickets to a baseball game and I called his cell to invite him. I then called back and said thats alright I already invited my Dad, see you whenever.

Ya I hate to say it but I think this girl has no idea what she talking about. I don't know maybe I feel too insecure right now, but I can't help but wonder what she is really thinking about with my husband. She even asked me how he was in bed. That really didn't hit the right cord with me. That is none of her business. Am I just being jelous or what?? It really makes me wonder what she is telling him and filling his head with. Our friend she is with right now has no intention of staying with her and her 2 kids when he moves to Brazil next year. I will have to kick her fat a$$ booty, but then again maybe she will be doing me a favor. MY GOD I AM SO CONFUSED.!!! and I ran out of my zoloft. I am trying to be strong for me and my kids but I really thought I was going to lose it in church today.

I guess I have to remember to give it to GOD!! I love you guys thank you so much for giving me a place to go with people like you who care. I hope you are all fairing better too. I am also going to pick up dinner, my schedule my terms!!

thank you sooooooo much
maryl