I feel like I'm losing it!
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I feel like I'm losing it!
My AH is now in (early) recovery, and I'm starting to realize just how much work I've got to do on myself.
At this point, it doesn't take much to turn me into a screaming lunatic.
He's fifteen minutes late to pick up our son for school, and by the time he gets here (with apologies) I'm plotting out the divorce proceedings!
There's still this part of my brain that truly feels like he owes me a period of perfection to make up for the months of imperfection. I know that he owes me nothing. The grown-up, independent part of me doesn't even really want to be owed, but there is still a very upset child living inside me.
She likes to scream, "This isn't fair!", and stomp her feet.
Meanwhile, the addict is calm and understanding, giving me a hug and saying things like "Let yourself feel it, Mel, that's the only way to get to the other side of it."
Huh?!!
Who is this man? We are having such a weird role reversal!
I have got to get some STEPS going.
Can I get a little serenity over here, please?
-TC
At this point, it doesn't take much to turn me into a screaming lunatic.
He's fifteen minutes late to pick up our son for school, and by the time he gets here (with apologies) I'm plotting out the divorce proceedings!
There's still this part of my brain that truly feels like he owes me a period of perfection to make up for the months of imperfection. I know that he owes me nothing. The grown-up, independent part of me doesn't even really want to be owed, but there is still a very upset child living inside me.
She likes to scream, "This isn't fair!", and stomp her feet.
Meanwhile, the addict is calm and understanding, giving me a hug and saying things like "Let yourself feel it, Mel, that's the only way to get to the other side of it."
Huh?!!
Who is this man? We are having such a weird role reversal!
I have got to get some STEPS going.
Can I get a little serenity over here, please?
-TC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Sorry you are having such a bad time : ( It will get better!
The good part is that you see you are doing it and that you know you have to change it. He will likely understand if he's in a place where he is ready to be sober.
Big hugs to you!
The good part is that you see you are doing it and that you know you have to change it. He will likely understand if he's in a place where he is ready to be sober.
Big hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I found the only route to my personal serenity was through working hard on my own recovery. It hasn't been easy but I am making progress.
Its very hard to let go of the resentment and anger and all the other negatives, but letting go is a necessary step toward personal mental health IMO.
Its very hard to let go of the resentment and anger and all the other negatives, but letting go is a necessary step toward personal mental health IMO.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Sorry you are going through this right now 
"This too shall pass"
IMHO i feel that letting go of things is the key to forgiveness for ourselves most importantly. We do not have to like what was done or said or forget but, allowing it to keep consuming us is only going to make us suffer!
Take care of you!
"This too shall pass"
IMHO i feel that letting go of things is the key to forgiveness for ourselves most importantly. We do not have to like what was done or said or forget but, allowing it to keep consuming us is only going to make us suffer!
Take care of you!
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
It's hard for me to figure out how to forgive without feeling like I have a great big "SUCKER" tattoo on my forehead.
I've always been so forgiving, so understanding, so willing to see that "this time" things would be different. But, when I look back on those times, I see that it was really just my fear that inspired my "forgiveness".
Now I'm afraid, too. Not some much of losing my partner (I've made a good amount of peace with that possibility), but with losing myself again.
How do we forgive and still stay true to ourselves?
I've always been so forgiving, so understanding, so willing to see that "this time" things would be different. But, when I look back on those times, I see that it was really just my fear that inspired my "forgiveness".
Now I'm afraid, too. Not some much of losing my partner (I've made a good amount of peace with that possibility), but with losing myself again.
How do we forgive and still stay true to ourselves?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I understand how you feel and know that you are not a "sucker"…..recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don't rush it. Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused your pain power over you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, it helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt! Something that took me awhile to learn....
IMHO we often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that we focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged us. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to us) and expecting THEM to die! Sounds harsh but true.
“Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." I Believe it!
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it!
Forgiveness challenges us to give up our destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that we can survive the pain and grow from it. Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because I feel that forgiveness is an internal matter.
Forgiving allows us to start a new beginning for ourselves. It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself.
Choice is always present in forgiveness. We do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make our own life miserable. I believe that to with hold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Something I no longer want to be...
Remember, you always have choice.
Al-Anon has and is helping me everyday with forgiveness and staying true to myself.
Today I’m worth everything on my journey that is offered to me and I intend to treat myself with the utmost love and care.
“Progress not perfection” it is possible and I have faith you will work through this difficult time. We are all here for you!
I know this was long and I’m sorry but forgiveness today is still a challenge for me-but I’m learning!
IMHO we often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that we focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged us. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to us) and expecting THEM to die! Sounds harsh but true.
“Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." I Believe it!
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it!
Forgiveness challenges us to give up our destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that we can survive the pain and grow from it. Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because I feel that forgiveness is an internal matter.
Forgiving allows us to start a new beginning for ourselves. It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself.
Choice is always present in forgiveness. We do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make our own life miserable. I believe that to with hold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Something I no longer want to be...
Remember, you always have choice.
Al-Anon has and is helping me everyday with forgiveness and staying true to myself.
Today I’m worth everything on my journey that is offered to me and I intend to treat myself with the utmost love and care.
“Progress not perfection” it is possible and I have faith you will work through this difficult time. We are all here for you!
I know this was long and I’m sorry but forgiveness today is still a challenge for me-but I’m learning!
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