triciafawn

In the time that I've been dating my abf, which, hell, I don't even know what to call him now....I guess he hasn't been my bf since he walked out of my house after he called a friend of his to pick him up and take him to the hospital....anyway, in the time that we've known each other, as a result of his drinking problems and also because he wasn't on an anti-depressant, he would "isolate". He did it to me, personally, 3 times. And from what I understand from his mom and his best friend, he's been doing it his whole life. He retreats, hides, doesn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone. Then, when he gets a grip, he apologizes.

The 3 times he did it to me, none of it was my fault, I didn't do anything to deserve it at all, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get thru to him and couldn't get him to talk to me. But when HE decided his isolation was over, which in my case, was never more than 2 or 3 days max, everything was great with us again.

So....the last day he was with me.....when we had the argument....when I told him I was no longer buying the alcohol anymore and that I was not any longer going to allow my son to watch him drink himself to death....and he left with his counselor friend......and then I found out the next day that he had checked himself into the hospital, then detox......I have just considered it to be him isolating again. But....he'd always come back to me. This time he didn't.

But what I'm thinking about is this......and this has been the turmoil of my thought processes:

1) He hasn't been able, REALLY able, to contact me. After a week of detox, I'm told he still wasn't fully detoxed. His family said he didn't feel good at all, he was upset at himself, he wasn't in a good way. This is a guy that was ALWAYS aware of his looks, was always well groomed, and had realized that he looked horrible.

2) In the time that he was in detox, and the weekend after, he was back on an anti-depressant, with a sedative. I'm told that all he did was sleep mostly. And that he was still shaking. His best friend, who he was staying with after detox because the rehab he was going to couldn't take him until Monday, told me that he wasn't talking much at all - and trust me, this is a man that TALKS. His best friend told him 3 times that I called to check on him, and all he said was that he didn't feel like talking. I know that he always hated what an anti-depressant does to him. That's why he hadn't been taking them.

3) He knew it had gotten bad in the end. He had started lying to me about things, whereas he hadn't been before. He had become very irritable, he'd been acting like a child almost, sometimes. So I KNOW he realized all that, and is embarrassed and ashamed at what he was doing to me.

I haven't gotten any closure. And I'm having a hard time with this. My son, he's 16 almost 17, thinks I'm crazy for even caring about this man anymore. My son has seen how much all of this has hurt me. He has seen my tears. So of course HIS answer to me is to just forget about this man. But I can't. Aside from that last 3 weeks, we were having a great time getting to know each other.

My bf is doing what he has to do right now. With or without me. It really has nothing to do with me. And all I can really do is hope for the best for him.

I sent off the first card and letter to him today. I don't know if I will hear anything back. I know he isn't MAD at me - he has no reason to be. But I just don't know what's going to happen. I am not writing him as his girlfriend. I am writing him as his friend. Words of encouragement.

I just don't know what to feel. I am not doing too good with this at all......

denny57

I can read the pain in your post and I feel for you. I was in a lot of pain, too.

The only thing that got me out of that pain was working on myself. My suggestion would be to sleep on it and then consider your son's input. You were with this man for 4 months. A quarter of that was the "bad time."

Whatever avenue it takes - Al Anon, therapy, etc. I'd dive in with all the energy that is now being expended on someone who doesn't want it.

Be kind to yourself, triciafawn.

AliceinWndrland

Hi Tricia - what I'm going through right now is different - but similiar. I understand the feeling of being isolated from someone you care about. And about needing closure...
unfortunately, I'm finding true "closure" can sometimes be a long time coming. I try to remind myself that my ex has my phone number, email and address, and just keep hoping that he will contact me when he is ready. I don't like waiting on someone else anymore than I'm sure you do... in the meantime, I am trying to get some clarity for myself about what I want, doing things to focus on myself and my own health - in the hopes that one of 2 things will happen - when he does contact me, I will be a better and stronger person, and better equipped to deal with the relationship - or when he doesn't contact me, I am a better, stronger person for MYSELF, and whoever I might be with in the future. The waiting is the hardest part, but maybe he just needs this time to clear his head... sounds like he is going through a lot at once.
A quote I like is "Everything is ok in the end. If its not ok, it's not the end."

Hang in there, Alice

splendra

This is not all you can do.. You can take care of yourself and put the focus on yourself and your son and not on him.

He will do whatever he needs to or wants to do. This is true enough.

I wish someone could have helped me understand that staying stuck in my own obsession over a man who has big problems is what I needed to get real about. Why did I spend so much time worry over something that I don't have any control over and why would I want to be so involved with someone who had so little to offer? 10 years later I am still wondering ya know. Believe me it hasn't really been worth it.

good_luck

Hi Tricia,
I'm sorry you are hurting. I have gone through the same things. One day he's there and the next *poof*

I can't offer you any advice, but I can tell you what I always regret.

I regret not just taking a deep breath and waiting. Just waiting, and letting him get his stuff together, and not getting back with him on the promise that he would. Actually, we both regret that.

Three years and countless breakups later we still feel the same way about each other. That's not going to change, if it's a real thing. But the love got so beat up by everything else, that I just can't even deal with it anymore. And it got beat up by rushing back into things when it was still chaos.

I'm not saying that it will ever not be chaos, but it clearly is right now.

Alanon is really helpful, if you can find a meeting that you like. I also read a ton of books. Like self-help books, and books about alcoholism. It was kind of a compromise where I could still obsess, but in a healthy way? It would be good for you to learn about this disease, so you can have a good idea what you are dealing with.

And, this is going to sound weird, don't feel guilty about his shame. I always felt bad that my ex was in so much pain over his terrible actions, almost guilty, but that's really his deal. It's part of the sorting out he has to do.

Best thoughts to you, I know this is tough, and none of it is anything you deserve.

LaTeeDa

The truth sometimes seems "nasty," doesn't it? I spent most of my adult life denying the truth--mostly the truth about myself. The natural human tendency to fear admitting I was wrong. I was messed up. I didn't have a clue about how to live a happy life or what love really is. It was difficult, painful, messy, and even nasty to face up to it. But, I am so grateful that I did. Finally, and the tender young age of 45, I am learning to live a happy life. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to face my demons sooner, but then I think about my grandmother who lived an unhappy existence for all of her 86 years and died a bitter old woman. That could have been me. I continue to be grateful for whatever years I have left on this earth and the wisdom I have gained from my self-inflicted suffering.

L

FormerDoormat

I applaud you for trying to get to the truth. It's hard to face it sometimes. It was especially hard for me to see that I was the main contributor to my problems. One thing I notice about your post is how many excuses you make for your boyfriend's failure to contact you.

The truth is, he's been in contact with everyone he wants to contact (and from your description, that's plenty of people). For whatever reason, he doesn't want to contact you. The reason why is not important. What's important is figuring out why you have such an intense need to contact someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to you.

The truth will start to be revealed when you start digging for the answer to that question.

And one more thing, sometimes out of the mouth of babes comes much wisdom. I think your son has given you wise advice.

FormerDoormat

I've never found a healthy way to obsess over anything.

sailorjohn

"When an alcoholic gives us comfort and love on an irregular basis-when we cannot know when he or she will be nice-we are much more bound to them than if they gave us love on a regular basis.

The reason for this strong bonding with someone who gives love inconsistently is that, since we want love, we are anxiously awaiting it.

Therefore, we pay a lot of attention to him, watching out for when he might be loving. All this "paying a lot of attention'" bonds us very tightly to the object or person to whom we are paying so much attention. This "closeness" is not necessarily "love". It is often more of a bonding due to that intensity, mistaking it for "a close relationship"."

Toby Rice Drews -Getting Them Sober Volume 4-Separation Decisions


HTH