All I want to do is party and have a good time!?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
All I want to do is party and have a good time!?
I've been thinking about this statement a lot lately. Whenever I talk to my AH about cutting down on his drinking or use of pills, he tells me that he is out to have a good time in his life. If I tell him that he should spend more time at home with his family instead of out at bars, he tells me he wants to have fun with his friends instead of sitting at home and being boring and dull like me. If I tell him that I'd like him to not have a bunch of people at our house constantly partying it up at our expense (literally), he tells me that these people are his friends and I just have to get over it because it's his house.
I just think that more and more our priorities and thinking are so far apart that they will never come together again. I'm the grownup in our relationship, the mom, the payer of bills, the person who "gets it all done." He works, but he spends all the rest of his time partying. Am I off base here? Do other adults, other parents, really say to their spouses, "All I want to do with my life is party and have a good time?" It makes me feel so unimportant, so unvalued....it makes me lean even more towards ending the marriage.
T
I just think that more and more our priorities and thinking are so far apart that they will never come together again. I'm the grownup in our relationship, the mom, the payer of bills, the person who "gets it all done." He works, but he spends all the rest of his time partying. Am I off base here? Do other adults, other parents, really say to their spouses, "All I want to do with my life is party and have a good time?" It makes me feel so unimportant, so unvalued....it makes me lean even more towards ending the marriage.
T
He works, but he spends all the rest of his time partying. Am I off base here? Do other adults, other parents, really say to their spouses, "All I want to do with my life is party and have a good time?" It makes me feel so unimportant, so unvalued....it makes me lean even more towards ending the marriage.
He puts his friends and his partying first. Living with an addict results in us not just feeling, but BEING unimportant and unvalued.
So what do you think you should do for YOU? What he does is his business. You are the one posting here and asking questions. Are you formulating a plan as to how you can feel valued and important? Can you feel valuable, important, respected, loved, and accepted without him?
My xabf told me the same thing; that I was "uptight" and snobby if I didn't want to "party" with his friends. ALL of his friends are addicts or alcoholics. He told me that he is who he is and his friends are a huge part of his life and that if I didn't accept them that was my choice. I chose not to.
I felt as though our values and priorities were totally totally different. It wasn't only the drinking and partying I couldn't handle, but his lack of motivation and he seemed to be "stunted" and only wanted to have a good time.
Thats not what I'm looking for in a partner so I broke it off.
The question you need to ask yourself, is what do you want for YOU?
I felt as though our values and priorities were totally totally different. It wasn't only the drinking and partying I couldn't handle, but his lack of motivation and he seemed to be "stunted" and only wanted to have a good time.
Thats not what I'm looking for in a partner so I broke it off.
The question you need to ask yourself, is what do you want for YOU?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I can relate. My xabf once told me that he could either have fun at parties and drink, or sit in the corner and have a boring time with me. That's part of the reason he's my ex. I want someone who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, even if he has to sit at a party with "boring" old me!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
I'm sitting here stunned. I never imagined in a million years that anyone else's AH or whatever said that to them. I have actually begun to question if I am this uptight, b#tch he says I am just because I don't want to get drunk and have all his buddies over and go to bars, etc. I guess when you hear something like that for almost 20 years it starts to sink in, huh? There are other people out there like him? It's not all in my head? It probably sounds crazy to you, but I really believed I was the only one with an AH like this.
The more I read, the more I think, the sicker I feel, the angrier I feel. Since his last major blow-up that occurred out of town a few weeks ago, I haven't been the same. In the last few days, as I've thought more and more about my life and the direction it's taking, I have started to have some clarity. In fact, I have been physically ill... It's becoming clear that I will not continue to live like I have for far too long. At least that's what I believe right now in this moment. I'm not sure I have the courage I need though.
Deep down, rationally, I know that I am better than this; I do deserve a life better than this. My problem is that I'm full of pride, self-doubt, and the fear of being alone. I'm working on those flaws in myself, but it's not easy. I guess that's why I came here and why I keep posting and reading...I don't mean to be such a whiner.
T
The more I read, the more I think, the sicker I feel, the angrier I feel. Since his last major blow-up that occurred out of town a few weeks ago, I haven't been the same. In the last few days, as I've thought more and more about my life and the direction it's taking, I have started to have some clarity. In fact, I have been physically ill... It's becoming clear that I will not continue to live like I have for far too long. At least that's what I believe right now in this moment. I'm not sure I have the courage I need though.
Deep down, rationally, I know that I am better than this; I do deserve a life better than this. My problem is that I'm full of pride, self-doubt, and the fear of being alone. I'm working on those flaws in myself, but it's not easy. I guess that's why I came here and why I keep posting and reading...I don't mean to be such a whiner.
T
Makeachange,
My ex-alcoholic husband used to tell me I was boring too, and even had the nerve to call me lazy! He had a lot of criticism of me while actively drinking. I just wanted an "equal" partner in life to love, honor and treasure me. I needed another adult in the house to help parent two teenagers, not another partying teen. He told me he was envious of our son who was just starting out the partying years--so sad. And like others on this board, he questioned my faithfulness when I opted for divorce, was just SURE there was someone else. Again, so sad.
He has changed his tune after finding sobriety, which he continues to try and maintain with much difficulty. I know I am not boring, or selfish, nor was I unfaithful. I was just a woman and mother who grew up, with an alcoholic who refused to.
My ex-alcoholic husband used to tell me I was boring too, and even had the nerve to call me lazy! He had a lot of criticism of me while actively drinking. I just wanted an "equal" partner in life to love, honor and treasure me. I needed another adult in the house to help parent two teenagers, not another partying teen. He told me he was envious of our son who was just starting out the partying years--so sad. And like others on this board, he questioned my faithfulness when I opted for divorce, was just SURE there was someone else. Again, so sad.
He has changed his tune after finding sobriety, which he continues to try and maintain with much difficulty. I know I am not boring, or selfish, nor was I unfaithful. I was just a woman and mother who grew up, with an alcoholic who refused to.
I also believed if I just could figure out how to be a better wife, he'd stop drinking. Of course, the "better wife" rules were written by him. Guess who never measured up?
I filled a whole lotta sashes.
(hope there are other girl scouts out there who get what I'm talking about or I sound like a loony)
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 13
My xabf said the same sorts of things -- I wasn't "fun and social" and the sole purpose of his existence after work was to "have fun." Having fun occurred only at a bar, and only in the company of other drinkers. If I wasn't into it, I was preventing him from having fun. I always assumed that if I went out with him one or two nights a week, that would suffice. As I discovered, nothing I did was good enough. After a while, when you're cast in a particular role by someone else, you begin to either believe what you're being told, and/or you take on some aspects of the person they think/want you to be -- if they cast you as a shrew, you find yourself behaving like one because you've been set up to behave that way. In the end, I guess my xabf was projecting a part of himself he didn't like onto me -- the part of him that worries that he himself is not fun and social without the booze and the rush of the bar. I'm really sorry for the pain you are in, but trust me, you are not alone.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
makeachange, you are definitely not alone nro are you crazy. Sounds like he's part of the world that doesn't want to grow up and be a responsible adult. That includes lots of folks, not jsut alcoholics.
All you can do is continue to figure what you want for you.
All you can do is continue to figure what you want for you.
Heya Makeachange-
No ma'am:
You are not crazy.
You are not a whiner.
Heck, I bet you're not a boring party-pooper either.
It's great you're here and sharing and reading!
Once you lift the veil from your eyes and reach out for help things will start to move inside of you that can no longer be denied!
Take it easy on yourself. Slowly, slowly you are taking the first steps into what can be your new & improved life! They can be baby steps. But know this: if you have been coping with an alcoholic for 20 years then you are WAY stronger than you think .
Your "pride, self-doubt and fear of being alone" can each be handled, each tackled in time -- once you shift your focus from the alcoholic to yourself you find you have more time, more energy, and more power than you can imagine.
Peace,
B.
No ma'am:
You are not crazy.
You are not a whiner.
Heck, I bet you're not a boring party-pooper either.
It's great you're here and sharing and reading!
Once you lift the veil from your eyes and reach out for help things will start to move inside of you that can no longer be denied!
Take it easy on yourself. Slowly, slowly you are taking the first steps into what can be your new & improved life! They can be baby steps. But know this: if you have been coping with an alcoholic for 20 years then you are WAY stronger than you think .
Your "pride, self-doubt and fear of being alone" can each be handled, each tackled in time -- once you shift your focus from the alcoholic to yourself you find you have more time, more energy, and more power than you can imagine.
Peace,
B.
Makeachange,
NOPE, you are not alone in these experiences. There are many here that have shared in those very same issues. By your talking about it, just may bring others out as well to share and feel like they are not alone. There is power in numbers. What I mean is that we can not feel like something is wrong with us. What is wrong is what the alcoholic puts us through for there own agenda. But it is our choice about how long we will live with it and endure that kind of life or treatment.
for my own reasons I stayed with the alcoholic in my life until I was truely done!!!!! That is different for everyone. When I found that his behaviors were escalading to the point of hurting my daughter....emotionally, not physically (he would never lay a hand on her).... I knew it was time for a change. I finally did move out. But it took planning and getting myself to a place that I was comfortable doing so..... timing. I needed to get myself financially ready. I needed to secure the legal issues surrounding our daughter so that things could go as smoothly as they could in a cituation like this.
It is scarey. Getting out there again, for the second time, on my own without someone by my side. But then I realized. I am not alone. I do have people by my side. whether it be family, friends, co-workers... and my own daughter's, I am not alone. I have support and love. But I had to reach out and learn that it was there for me......waiting for me to accept it. No, I don't have a "man" in my life to speak of, but then.... I don't need one to make my life complete. I have to do that for myself. If another person comes along some day, he will only add to it, not finish it. Does that make any sense?
NOPE, you are not alone in these experiences. There are many here that have shared in those very same issues. By your talking about it, just may bring others out as well to share and feel like they are not alone. There is power in numbers. What I mean is that we can not feel like something is wrong with us. What is wrong is what the alcoholic puts us through for there own agenda. But it is our choice about how long we will live with it and endure that kind of life or treatment.
for my own reasons I stayed with the alcoholic in my life until I was truely done!!!!! That is different for everyone. When I found that his behaviors were escalading to the point of hurting my daughter....emotionally, not physically (he would never lay a hand on her).... I knew it was time for a change. I finally did move out. But it took planning and getting myself to a place that I was comfortable doing so..... timing. I needed to get myself financially ready. I needed to secure the legal issues surrounding our daughter so that things could go as smoothly as they could in a cituation like this.
It is scarey. Getting out there again, for the second time, on my own without someone by my side. But then I realized. I am not alone. I do have people by my side. whether it be family, friends, co-workers... and my own daughter's, I am not alone. I have support and love. But I had to reach out and learn that it was there for me......waiting for me to accept it. No, I don't have a "man" in my life to speak of, but then.... I don't need one to make my life complete. I have to do that for myself. If another person comes along some day, he will only add to it, not finish it. Does that make any sense?
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
I'm always told I'm boring and not as fun as I used to be...after 20+ years and two teenagers...one of us had to grow with the responsibility. That was me. He never has been involved in raising his sons, taking an interest in family time, etc...He has gotten to the point where he goes to work, comes home to his recliner, beer and remote, then goes to bed by 9:00PM. What a boring existence...he's isolated himself from me, his children, and extended family. He threatens divorce on a regular basis, tells us all we are worthless and never has a kind word for anyone. He's a nasty, negative man and continues to decline. The more we detach, the worse he gets, but I'm convinced he will never hit a bottom. He doesn't have any faults...only other people do. I know people who would give their right arms to have a slice of what he has, but doesn't recognize or refuses to see.
I too am working on and getting closer to financially being able to follow through on my plan to divorce and move on to a more peaceful existence. In the meantime, I am strong and within that strength is my ability to help my sons find their way. It is a constant battle, but I will continue to visit here (one of my greatest sources of strength thanks to all of you) and know it's not me...it's the disease. :ghug2
I too am working on and getting closer to financially being able to follow through on my plan to divorce and move on to a more peaceful existence. In the meantime, I am strong and within that strength is my ability to help my sons find their way. It is a constant battle, but I will continue to visit here (one of my greatest sources of strength thanks to all of you) and know it's not me...it's the disease. :ghug2
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
No doubt about it.....you are not crazy, you are not irrational, you are not boring, and most importantly......you are not alone!
If I remember correctly, you have a child? So....is your child witness to these "parties" that go on in your house?
I too, lived for many years with my home being the neighborhood "party" home. Meaning.........adult males in my home drinking, smoking pot and being obnoxious.
I have two children, and although they've never witnessed someone smoking pot, they've certainly seen lots of drinking.
I had my AHA moment in February! I informed my AH that our home would no longer be the "party" home. Period. End of story. And he has respected that (I think he felt it was becoming a bit much as well, so it was a little easier than if he were fighting me on it).
In my opinion.......it is not "his" home, but rather, "our" home, meaning him, you and your child. He is participating in behaviors that you do not find acceptable, yet he continues to behave this way.
I have found that setting boundaries and sticking to them has really made life with AH more liveable. I think I have mentioned before that my AH has informed me that he will never stop drinking....and it is my choice at this time, to use the tools that I have to stay in the marriage and not go completely insane.
All that being said........after being out of work for 10 years to raise our children, I am actively searching for employment.....taking care of my mental health..........taking care of my children...........and he can take care of himself.
The sadest part for me, however, is that the love is truly gone....I have lost all respect (a long time ago)..........and I'm feeling like no matter what happens (he finds sobriety, or not).....I think I know in my heart that it is over...
Please don't doubt your feelings, and don't let anyone tell you that the way you are feeling is "wrong". My AH likes to do what yours does to you. "Your crazy", "you are blowing it out of proportion", "you need to relax", etc. etc. The only thing I need to do is be true to myself, I feel the way I do, there's no right or wrong in feelings.
I have chosen to no longer be in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior from anyone in my life (including me!), and it reallys feels good!
Please keep posting.
Shivaya
If I remember correctly, you have a child? So....is your child witness to these "parties" that go on in your house?
I too, lived for many years with my home being the neighborhood "party" home. Meaning.........adult males in my home drinking, smoking pot and being obnoxious.
I have two children, and although they've never witnessed someone smoking pot, they've certainly seen lots of drinking.
I had my AHA moment in February! I informed my AH that our home would no longer be the "party" home. Period. End of story. And he has respected that (I think he felt it was becoming a bit much as well, so it was a little easier than if he were fighting me on it).
In my opinion.......it is not "his" home, but rather, "our" home, meaning him, you and your child. He is participating in behaviors that you do not find acceptable, yet he continues to behave this way.
I have found that setting boundaries and sticking to them has really made life with AH more liveable. I think I have mentioned before that my AH has informed me that he will never stop drinking....and it is my choice at this time, to use the tools that I have to stay in the marriage and not go completely insane.
All that being said........after being out of work for 10 years to raise our children, I am actively searching for employment.....taking care of my mental health..........taking care of my children...........and he can take care of himself.
The sadest part for me, however, is that the love is truly gone....I have lost all respect (a long time ago)..........and I'm feeling like no matter what happens (he finds sobriety, or not).....I think I know in my heart that it is over...
Please don't doubt your feelings, and don't let anyone tell you that the way you are feeling is "wrong". My AH likes to do what yours does to you. "Your crazy", "you are blowing it out of proportion", "you need to relax", etc. etc. The only thing I need to do is be true to myself, I feel the way I do, there's no right or wrong in feelings.
I have chosen to no longer be in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior from anyone in my life (including me!), and it reallys feels good!
Please keep posting.
Shivaya
Every time I read this forum (in just about any category), I feel a little less crazy.
I was absolutely convinced that my xabf was "recovered" because he'd been sober for a year when I met him. I knew about some messes he was still cleaning up in his life, and I knew it was still possible to relapse after years of sobriety, but HE was different PERSON.
And yet... he would say things that sounded like they were coming from someone who was still drinking:
- He said my friends were "boring" because they got together and played games on New Year's Eve instead of getting smashed. (But if they WERE into that, WE wouldn't have anything "fun" to do that night because all of his current friends are in recovery, too).
- He said I was judgmental because I was uncomfortable going to the house of one of his friends who was high while we were there.
- He would brag about his drunk driving incidents, but then criticize my driving. (Nevermind that I was the only one of us with a car, and the only one with a license since his wallet had been stolen.)
- He didn't see anything wrong with going to a bar on St Patrick's day (to visit a friend in the program who works there... don't get me started). Even AFTER he got mugged at gunpoint on his way home!
- He encouraged ME to drink and bring wine over to his place because it made ME easier to be around.
- He had only just started doing step-work, but when I dove into my program, he said I wasn't changing enough for his liking.
I was absolutely convinced that my xabf was "recovered" because he'd been sober for a year when I met him. I knew about some messes he was still cleaning up in his life, and I knew it was still possible to relapse after years of sobriety, but HE was different PERSON.
And yet... he would say things that sounded like they were coming from someone who was still drinking:
- He said my friends were "boring" because they got together and played games on New Year's Eve instead of getting smashed. (But if they WERE into that, WE wouldn't have anything "fun" to do that night because all of his current friends are in recovery, too).
- He said I was judgmental because I was uncomfortable going to the house of one of his friends who was high while we were there.
- He would brag about his drunk driving incidents, but then criticize my driving. (Nevermind that I was the only one of us with a car, and the only one with a license since his wallet had been stolen.)
- He didn't see anything wrong with going to a bar on St Patrick's day (to visit a friend in the program who works there... don't get me started). Even AFTER he got mugged at gunpoint on his way home!
- He encouraged ME to drink and bring wine over to his place because it made ME easier to be around.
- He had only just started doing step-work, but when I dove into my program, he said I wasn't changing enough for his liking.
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