Finally free-little long
 

So, the abpexgf sent me the text back, Do you want to spend the week together? Sunday afternoon, nothing about the rototiller, guess she forgot.

Had to see her, spent the night Monday, no sex-applause welcome. She's very animated in the am, almost manic, Tuesday morning. I thought I could smell alcohol when I climbed into bed Monday night but it wasn't overwhelming, and she was sleeping or pretending anyways so we didn't talk.

Tuesday night, calls me on the cell, blah blah blah, I keep her on the phone long enough to pull into her driveway, say, hey I'm here. She could hardly refuse me entry, and she's been drinking, not heavily intoxicated but you can smell it. I say nothing. She's always said that she doesn't drink every day but I know she drinks a lot more than she's willing to admit.

Get to sit with her in bed for an hour, listen to a brief and somewhat disturbing rant about immigrants? She's done that before, launched into tirades about nothing. No sex. Thank God. Awkward in the morning, she looks a little haggard. Go home, call the phone company, have the land line number changed, should be done by Friday. Write a letter and mail it to her, the words alcoholic behavior repeated throughout and in boldface red letters. Go to the mobile provider, $5 and 5 minutes later I have a new, non-published cell phone number.

The last thing I said to her, via text, she had wrote 'have a good day' around 8am, didn't reply until just before I changed the number, and it was a sincere sentiment 'May all of your days be good' I truly mean it but don't expect it to happen.

Funny how that works, she replied almost immediately, ha ha, What kind of response is that. I left it at that.

Finally feeling free, just have to deal with the possibility that she'll show up drunk on my stoop some night at 3am.

You had to see her. Maybe I'm missing something here, but did having to see her include spending the night with her, sex or no sex? I'm somewhat confused. I thought the two of you were sorting out who owned what and exchanging items.

What did getting in bed with her have to do with having to see her? I assume spending the night in the same bed had nothing to do with the money owed, the crock pot or the rototiller ...

No, I didn't 'have' to see her. And I should have changed the phone numbers 3 weeks ago. Maybe it's something akin to what I've heard, on occasion, from newly recovering alcoholics, congratulating themselves that they attended a party where alcohol was being served, even passed out drinks themselves, and didn't touch a drop. Maybe I just wanted to feel that queasy feeling in my stomach again?

You response to my post was you didn't "have" to see her. However, the words above are your's; not mine. "Had to see her" doesn't appear to be subject to a broad range of interpretation.

Maybe you wanted to feel that queasy feeling in your stomach again? I dunno ... years ago I vomited up a bag of barbequed potato chips. I never had a burning desire to consider buying another bag just to find out if they would make me queasy ...

Sailor J-
Congrats on a "big finish!" I can relate to having to dip a toe in the pond one more time to be sure I don't want to swim in there again. Y'know I've read before that when someone dies it is actually healthy to view the body for the loved ones because the human brain has such a bizarre capacity for denial and viewing the body puts that final indisputable evidence into our resisting brains.

Sounds like you went to the wake of your relationship.

I hope the days ahead return to sanity, normalcy: good clean fun!!

Peace,
B.

Maybe it's just me, and I hope I don't get flamed for this, but as much as my xabf put me through, I don't see a reason to play mind games with him, which is what I feel you just did to her. What purpose did it serve to hurt her back?

While I think it's great you have finally separated yourself from her, I can't imagine for my own sanity, kicking someone when they are down whether they deserved it or not.

If all you wanted was your property, there are many ways you could have gotten it back without accepting her invitation to spend the week together, then messing with her head for what seems to be your own selfish reasons.

Maybe my feelings are a result of having men mess with my head for the majority of my life. For now, I think you were wrong to do that.

sailor john, our troubles are of our own making. whats your part. sounds like selfish and self centered thinking are still the root of your troubles.

Maybe I'm missing something here? Was it your thought to validate your notions that she is still drinking? Or was it to hurt her one last time?


To me it sounds like you're joining right along with her in all the crazy making...which only equals insanity.

Do you really think you will never call her from your new number?

So true prod!

Sailor-

Nope you have choices-

Again nope you had a choice not to pick up the phone-it sounds here IMHO that this was a game-

Nope you had a choice here too!


Today choices are my life-My decisions are like statements of my identity. My choices reflect the core of my being. I 'am more aware of my choices and have become conscious of my motivations behind those choices.

I will make choices today that grow out of awareness and sensitivity to my deepest needs.

Good Luck SailorJohn :Val004:

I felt uncomfortable when I read this part...

Interesting thread for a lot of reasons. There is some very powerful stuff going on here-from everyone.

If one looks at the post and the responses carefully, and impartially, I think we can learn a lot about ourselves and our 'issues.' Addiciton and relationships. Like DNA, a double helix. Each a strand.

Sure, I think I know how I "feel" about this thread, but it isn't important to express that. What I would like to express is my sense that it can be an opportunity for all of us to try out another "skin." Try out a different gender and addiction role. A lesson in empathy and a lesson in principles. They can be complementary and they can be mutually exclusive. None is better, I think. What is important to me is to reflect on both when looking at a situation. To pass things through my emotional, logical, and spiritual filters.

What is so important is to recognize that addiction is truly (in part) a social disease. Remove relationships and society and is there an "ism?" It can be argued both ways, I think.

What is so cool about this community is that few of us are unchanged by it. And that is the definition of learning-change over time. We come here sure about some things. I think we may leave a different person. Recovery too is synonymous with change over time. Sometimes it is important to reflect upon that.

warren

Insanity
 

opps sorry posted on the wrong post

warrens, whether you wish to "argue" about the thread or not is your choice. I think I'm a reasonably intelligent woman, but all I can say to your post is "huh?"

I'm always looking to learn about MYSELF and MY issues. I can't speak for anyone else.

Ditto!

I personally do not put myself in anyone's shoes anymore-when they are not taking care of themselves! I have empathy for those who are warranted of it-

After handing out so much empathy to someone who was not willing to take care of themself-I got tired-

and pretty sure that this was not an "argue" thread it was Sailor expressing how he feels i.e. what is going on in his life-

Prodigal,

I'm sorry. I did a poor job of making myself clear.

I was attempting to look at the thread dispassionately, as merely an example of how complex things can be.

It is sometimes unclear just who is the user and who is the usee. Who is pure and who is less so. I should have kept my thoughts to myself. It is however a great case study. Would have made great cinema verite by a European director. One of those films where you leave shaking your head and say, "Why?" Life is strange. Mix with alcohol and it is even stranger.

warren

Ditto as well....I learn more about my issues and myself here; however there are threads that I find very helpful in a positive way and threads that make me aware of my anger toward my AH. I want to be respectful and fair when I deal with him and not act in a way that is clouded by resentment and anger. I have you all to thank for that attitude. We are our actions and I want to be generous, positive and fair but not be disrespected and walked on.

Hey warrens--
I really liked your initial post. I was already playing a game in my head where I switched the genders of the posters around, to think about whether the thread would have developed differently.

Should have added: 'she could hardly have refused me entry without looking guilty' The equivalent of when a cop pulls you over and asks to look inside your trunk. Playing cop was getting old.

Perhaps the concept of "Keep It Simple" might be applicable here...