makeachange

I'm pretty new here, but I've posted some about my AH and my struggle to decide whether to stay in the marriage or not. Surprisingly enough, it seems that he has figured out that something is up with me and is working on being really nice. There hasn't been a major incident in a little more than three weeks, and even the minor blowups have been few and far between. He has been on the verge of a major fight a couple of different times, but he has "caught himself" before he let it go too far.

It makes me doubt myself and my intentions. It's not that I think he has really changed per se; he's still drinking and using after all. It's just that I think he is trying to be on his best behavior because he can sense that something is in the air. He has been pressing me to tell him I love him, to be intimate with him, etc. I've told him what he wants to hear, but I don't know if I mean it. I can't go through with any intimacy; it just doesn't feel right.

Today, he asked me point blank if I had spoken with any divorce attorneys. I was honest and told him I hadn't, but I did not go out of my way to be reassuring or anything. Part of me wishes he would just leave me, that would be the easy way out.. I don't think that will happen though. I'm just not sure of my strength and resolve in this whole situation. I can't help but ask myself how long the nice phase will last this time; I know it's not forever.

T

Barbara52

Does it matter if he continues being "nice" or not? Has anything other than a surface "niceness" changed?

ToughChoices

I got to a point where the "nice" phases made me crazier than the "mean" phases.

I knew it was only a matter of time.

I started out reading this board to see if the "wonderful" person I knew my husband to be would ever reemerge from his miserable addiction, but, for me, after too many cycles of pain followed by "making nice", I started to wonder if my true husband wasn't actually showing himself during the drunken, screaming stupor.

Sounds like you just know what's coming.

I'm wishing you peace during this crazy time.

-TC

makeachange

That's the thing, Barbara52, his newfound "niceness" confuses me and makes me question what I was beginning to think was a given - that I was going to leave the marriage. It's like he does things that make me question my sanity. Am I seeing things clearly? Or is my thinking twisted because of him? Sometimes I think I need a reality check...maybe that's what I'm looking for here.

I do know that the stress of his drinking, using, and anger have begun to take a significant toll on my body. My blood pressure has been really high this week, I've had a few blood vessels burst in one of my eyes, so my doctor has added a new medication to help control my bp. The emotional stuff is beginning to physically weigh on me now.

T

Barbara52

Its possible its deliberate manipulation because he sees changes in you that tell him his world may be turned on end.

Remember that actions speak louder than words. Other than superficial niceness, has he changed his behavior? It doesn't seem so. Your pain on the other hand is increasing to the point where you now need meds for your BP.

sailorjohn

Would highly recommend a book, Getting Them Sober Volume 4-Separation Decisions by Toby Rice Drews. Book is available through Amazon, I believe the author also sells the book on her own website. I never realized that a lot of my ex's behavior was typically alcoholic, it's like they all use the same playbook. Bottom line, if your alcoholic hasn't stopped drinking, expect the 'niceness' to be short-lived

denny57

My sincere, deepest sympathy. I think this is a great example of the insanity of alcoholism - blood vessels are bursting and I'm asking "am I crazy?"

Our doctor told me point blank I was killing myself and would be dead before AH. Last year my mother-in-law ended up in the hospital for major heart surgery. I do not know if she survived. (FIL is alcoholic)

Doctor's visits, Al-Anon, therapy - all helped me understand I was not nuts, and that alcoholism was killing ME, the non drinker.

Take care.

makeachange

My AH has also been doing something very weird. My good friend who went through a very nasty divorce several years ago called it "campaigning." I hadn't thought of it that way before, but it makes sense now that I think of it.

I have very little family left, and my AH has been calling my dad regularly and talking with him for a long time without telling me about it or giving me a chance to talk to him. I only find out about it after the fact. It doesn't help that my dad is also an alcoholic who has been through three prior failed marriages himself. Something about it just isn't sitting right with me, but I hadn't been able to put my finger on it until now.

I also discovered, accidentally, that my AH has been in new, frequent contact with his mother, stepfather, brother, and sister. While he would speak with his mom once a month or so, he is now in much more communication with them. And before he wouldn't speak to his brother or sister for several months at a time, and suddenly he's super close to them and talking on the phone more than once a week? Again, it's just a little odd.

I'm not saying he shouldn't be having these relationships with them, far from it. I'm just saying they are out of character for him..of course, none of those people know who he really is. His entire family doesn't even know that he drinks after all. Again, it's making me feel a little bit crazy...sorry to ramble...

T

sailorjohn

Would highly recommend a book, Getting Them Sober Volume 4-Separation Decisions by Toby Rice Drews. Book is available through Amazon, I believe the author also sells the book on her own website. I never realized that a lot of my ex's behavior was typically alcoholic, it's like they all use the same playbook. Bottom line, if your alcoholic hasn't stopped drinking, expect the 'niceness' to be short-lived

prodigal

I have unfortunately been through something like this, although it was not as intense as your situation. Your AH is "rallying the troops" to his way of thinking in case you decide to walk. A's can be incredibly convincing in getting family and friends to see you as the wicked, evil witch. Particularly when they sense you are thinking about moving on.

His newfound "niceness" should not confuse you. He's manipulating. He's working on your head to convince you that he loves you. If you don't respond appropriately, or reciprocate in kind, he has all those folks to back him up. After all, he's been filling their ears with God-only-knows-what type of garbage. You leave. You become the bad guy. He becomes the poor husband/victim who was trying to save the marriage. After all, he told so many family members how hard he was trying, didn't he?

This man is still using. Consider that explanation enough as to whether or not his new-found "niceness" is an act.

makeachange

Do you think it's wrong of me to deny it when he asks me if I'm planning on leaving him? He has asked me that several times in the last two or three days, and I have denied it. My way of thinking is this: I haven't made up my mind if/when for sure yet; I don't want to give him any advance warning because I don't trust what he might do with our property/money/pets/etc; I don't want to put him in another position of power over me. Am I being unfair?

I haven't met with any attorney yet, so that part was the truth. I do have a call in to my brother, who is an attorney, telling him I'd like to meet with him to discuss a personal matter. He hasn't gotten back in touch with me yet, and now I'm feeling a little paranoid and thinking he may have given AH the heads up about it either accidentally or on purpose. He and my AH do talk occasionally.

Sorry to be such a bother with all my rambling and questions...I'm just feeling at a loss here and need some guidance. Thanks for all that thave responded so far.

T

hadenoughnow

My STBX did the same stuff, he did the "campaiging" too but he waited until I threw him out. Things got ugly when I didn't respond to his manipulation, I wouldn't tell him anything.

Serenity8

I think you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your assets. And the truth is, you haven't retained a lawyer so you aren't lying. I am in a similar situation, though my husband has known for almost 2 months that I retained a lawyer. He is still active with his addictions and telling me that he keeps playing phone tag with the intensive outpatient program people. This has been going on for over 3 weeks, so that speaks louder than ANY words he can say to me. If this was a priority, he would have started a program a long time ago.

So, protect yourself! Do you go to al-anon meetings?

prodigal

That's a decision you alone will have to make. If you feel it protects your interests to say nothing, then do so. If you feel the need to tell him you are thinking of leaving but have made no concrete plans, then do so.


If you don't want him to be in a position to have power over you, the chances are he'll think you're being unfair regardless of what you do. I'm sure you have read other posts on F&F about people getting divorced and/or separated. A's will get ugly and play all sorts of games. It's up to you if your desire to get out of the relationship is strong enough to put up with some of the junk he'll pull.

With all the phone calls your AH has been making to family members lately, it might be in your own self-interests to discuss this matter with another attorney.