New here, hoping for some input/advice?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
how did we get there???? yes of course it's a disease - but one that is wholly and completely able to be put in remission by the addict by making the choice to NOT use. I HAPPEN TO BE AN ADDICT. SO IS MY OTHER HALF. you don't get that choice with cancer.......or diabetes.....
My abf's mom told me on the phone the other day that her daughter (my abf's sister) doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, she will not be going to visit him in rehab, she is striking him from her life. How sad is that? It brings me to tears.....
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I stayed by my boyfriend's side til pretty darn near the end. He still drank himself to death. I didn't have the power to help him in the way he needed to be helped. Not every obstacle can be overcome and oftentimes love doesn't conquer all.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by triciafawn
:-) I wasn't talking about the tv show, I was talking about those DAYS. Today's world isn't any different than the world of yesteryear. It still takes the same exact things that make relationships work, no matter what time period.
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I believe that a step up on a soapbox is often a cry for help--one that comes from deep down inside and then erupts into an unexpected emotional outburst. It's a conflict that arises when the heart and mind are not in sync. But if I listen carefully as I step down off the soapbox, it's a fabulous learning opportunity.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
A few things.
First of all, this is a very reasonable statement:
Second of all, I don't think that it is very nice to call someone a "toad" after reading a few paragraphs about them. (Sorry, not trying to fight.)
And finally, although I would personally never get married without having dated someone around a year (probably more) my parents got married after six months, are still together after 35 years, and are two of my favorite people ever. (Although I have lectured them on the brevity of their pre-marriage relationship, lol. (They were much amused by my disapproval.))
As for the original question, I'm not sure alcoholism has much to do with what you are asking. It may, in fact, have contributed to the situation. But really, you have a right to figure out what you are comfortable with. And that varies from person to person.
First of all, this is a very reasonable statement:
Originally Posted by daphne75
We have only been together for 4 months, but we are very close and are in love. After some time, if things continue on this same path, we are both interested in pursuing marriage.
And finally, although I would personally never get married without having dated someone around a year (probably more) my parents got married after six months, are still together after 35 years, and are two of my favorite people ever. (Although I have lectured them on the brevity of their pre-marriage relationship, lol. (They were much amused by my disapproval.))
As for the original question, I'm not sure alcoholism has much to do with what you are asking. It may, in fact, have contributed to the situation. But really, you have a right to figure out what you are comfortable with. And that varies from person to person.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by good_luck
Second of all, I don't think that it is very nice to call someone a "toad" after reading a few paragraphs about them. (Sorry, not trying to fight.)
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Originally Posted by triciafawn
yes, that's what set me off earlier.....and I couldn't believe that there were so many on here that rated that post as a "thank you". the nerve!
Triciafawn: If you are so convinced that your abf is the love of your life and you know him so well, then why are you here posting on this thread? Of course, we are all welcome, but your posts seem to be about nothing more than what you can do for a man that literally walked out of your house a week ago with no word to you about what he was doing and hasn't called or cared to talk to you since. If this is love, then I'll happily stay single forever!
Also, thank you for pointing out in not so many words that we are all selfish. For the first time in my life, I'm proud to be called that. It means people notice I'm taking care of myself.
Also, I don't think you can judge someone's decision to leave their marriage based on the VERY little you know of anyone on this board. Unless you've walked a mile in anyone's shoes, how can you know?
By the way...my mother is also selfish and proud of it. She left my alcoholic dad after 17 years of marriage. He beat my mother on a daily basis, then started on us when he deemed we were old enough. She is catholic. In fact, she lived in a convent before meeting my dad for 6 months to become a nun. They told her it wasn't her calling THANK GOD, because me and my sisters are here. Anyway, she sought guidance from her priest before she left. He told her marriage was sacred and she should honor her vows. Another THANK YOU OUT TO GOD that she was smart enough not to. She saved our lives the day she took us and left.
Thanks Mom! Here's to being selfish and self-centered!
Good luck on your path, Triciafawn. I hope your abf is different than our significant others were. If not and you have to leave a marriage (provided you get back together), we'll all be here without judgement for you and ready to support your decision to live your life FOR YOU!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Daphne
I would guess that your man is living in the now. We can't change the past....it's done. There is no reason for any of us to dwell on that which we cannot change. We can only move forward.
gentle hugs
I would guess that your man is living in the now. We can't change the past....it's done. There is no reason for any of us to dwell on that which we cannot change. We can only move forward.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome aboard
Well Well Well
aren't we the the perfect person. where did you find these big rocks to throw.
His past is his past, he is now trying to rebuild his life, and he doesn't need a
anchor tying him to his past. he has left that dock and is sailing in a different direction.
It takes a lot of work to forgive yourself for the past.
What is it that you seen in him that drew you to him, believe me other women have see the same thing. Have you spent a night together yet?
if so, you better lay down those big rocks, and step away.
I wish you knew how much this hurts him, and how much work its going to
take to mend this situation, You sound very immature, and in no way ready for a healthy relationship with a recovering person.
By the way, when he gets out of treatment, sobriety will and should be his no.1 priority. you 2 are a long long way from matrimony. Just my humble opinion
aren't we the the perfect person. where did you find these big rocks to throw.
His past is his past, he is now trying to rebuild his life, and he doesn't need a
anchor tying him to his past. he has left that dock and is sailing in a different direction.
It takes a lot of work to forgive yourself for the past.
What is it that you seen in him that drew you to him, believe me other women have see the same thing. Have you spent a night together yet?
if so, you better lay down those big rocks, and step away.
I wish you knew how much this hurts him, and how much work its going to
take to mend this situation, You sound very immature, and in no way ready for a healthy relationship with a recovering person.
By the way, when he gets out of treatment, sobriety will and should be his no.1 priority. you 2 are a long long way from matrimony. Just my humble opinion
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Boy
I've been reading this thread and it has been very difficult to resist replying. The alcoholic in me, I guess. The toxins aren't quite gone yet, apparently.
But I wish to thank y'all. For making me even more grateful for the wonderful woman who loves me. The one who has channeled her resentment into faith in me. The one perceptive enough to separate the man she loves from his addiction. The one selfish enough to insist upon what I have to offer, and nothing less. The one who trusts herself above all.
I am grateful too, that she did not come here when times were very difficult for her. She may well have "thrown the bum out." With the trash.
She's a gardener. And she's given me the space and environment to grow. And I have. Both of us were pretty vulnerable and scared some time ago. And while nothing is risk-free, we are a pretty symbiotic garden these days. We are growing together. Regrowing.
These days, I encourage her to read the "throw the bum out" threads here. I want her to see what she could have lost and what she has gained by trusting herself and me. I want her to see that she was no dummy when she chose me. That, while I may have crashed and burned, I am a worthwhile reclamation project.
I beg you to please be careful when you advise others. Especially when they are hurt and scared. I beg you to not project your tragedies on others when you know so little. My ex mother in law had two favorite words. This, a most dysfunctional woman in so many ways. Her words still resonate in my head "You should, You should, you should..." I do not miss that woman...
You have a wealth of experience. You can be a most valuable asset to others. You've seen almost, but not all. Keep that in mind. "In my experience," and "you might consider," and "his behavior is very much like..." are far more helpful words than "You should..."
A doctor gives clinical advice. If she is a good doctor, it is peer reviewed and given after a thorough diagnosis. It is monitored for effectiveness over time. Beware of your qualifications to diagnose and prescribe. That toad may be a rare species.
Best to you,
warren
I've been reading this thread and it has been very difficult to resist replying. The alcoholic in me, I guess. The toxins aren't quite gone yet, apparently.
But I wish to thank y'all. For making me even more grateful for the wonderful woman who loves me. The one who has channeled her resentment into faith in me. The one perceptive enough to separate the man she loves from his addiction. The one selfish enough to insist upon what I have to offer, and nothing less. The one who trusts herself above all.
I am grateful too, that she did not come here when times were very difficult for her. She may well have "thrown the bum out." With the trash.
She's a gardener. And she's given me the space and environment to grow. And I have. Both of us were pretty vulnerable and scared some time ago. And while nothing is risk-free, we are a pretty symbiotic garden these days. We are growing together. Regrowing.
These days, I encourage her to read the "throw the bum out" threads here. I want her to see what she could have lost and what she has gained by trusting herself and me. I want her to see that she was no dummy when she chose me. That, while I may have crashed and burned, I am a worthwhile reclamation project.
I beg you to please be careful when you advise others. Especially when they are hurt and scared. I beg you to not project your tragedies on others when you know so little. My ex mother in law had two favorite words. This, a most dysfunctional woman in so many ways. Her words still resonate in my head "You should, You should, you should..." I do not miss that woman...
You have a wealth of experience. You can be a most valuable asset to others. You've seen almost, but not all. Keep that in mind. "In my experience," and "you might consider," and "his behavior is very much like..." are far more helpful words than "You should..."
A doctor gives clinical advice. If she is a good doctor, it is peer reviewed and given after a thorough diagnosis. It is monitored for effectiveness over time. Beware of your qualifications to diagnose and prescribe. That toad may be a rare species.
Best to you,
warren
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
warrens, its great that you did what you did and are happy with it.
Do not dare to tell me that my choices are not equally correct for me. I would never tell you your choices were wrong for you. Its amazingly controlling and arrogant to try and tell someone else they should have done it your way.
Do not dare to tell me that my choices are not equally correct for me. I would never tell you your choices were wrong for you. Its amazingly controlling and arrogant to try and tell someone else they should have done it your way.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Warrens:
I have made great decisions for me. I left before I found this board, but if I was still living with the alcoholic chaos, I would have been more informed about the consequences of staying. I'm an intelligent woman, so I'm confident I am capable of making a good choice without the influence of others. Oh, I also know how to log-off if I don't agree with people.
I think it's great you are sober, but because you are, you must also be aware of the statistics when it comes to alcohlics seeking and maintaining sobriety. If anyone was a likely candidate for staying sober, it seems to me it would be a counselor working in a substance abuse center, which is what triciafawn's bf, xbf, or whatever he is, was doing before his many relapses.
Also, back in the day when my mother left, there were no online resources like this. Thank God for all of us there is this place now. It's made my awareness of myself grow and may have helped her when she felt most alone, like it is helping many newcomers here.
I hope you continue to "encourage" your gf to read these so called "throw the bum out" posts. She may need the wisdom someday. Hopefully not.
Best of luck to you as well!
I have made great decisions for me. I left before I found this board, but if I was still living with the alcoholic chaos, I would have been more informed about the consequences of staying. I'm an intelligent woman, so I'm confident I am capable of making a good choice without the influence of others. Oh, I also know how to log-off if I don't agree with people.
I think it's great you are sober, but because you are, you must also be aware of the statistics when it comes to alcohlics seeking and maintaining sobriety. If anyone was a likely candidate for staying sober, it seems to me it would be a counselor working in a substance abuse center, which is what triciafawn's bf, xbf, or whatever he is, was doing before his many relapses.
Also, back in the day when my mother left, there were no online resources like this. Thank God for all of us there is this place now. It's made my awareness of myself grow and may have helped her when she felt most alone, like it is helping many newcomers here.
I hope you continue to "encourage" your gf to read these so called "throw the bum out" posts. She may need the wisdom someday. Hopefully not.
Best of luck to you as well!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Correction
For some reason I thought the guy was back in treatment.????
I guess not.
there is some rule or guide line that a recovering person SHOULD stay out of
sexual relationships for the first year of recovery !!! I say HOGWASH when things are right it'll work out. daphne 75, is probly not aware of the guide line, All I wish to say is not to judge to harshly.
like Lily Tomlin ounce said, ( and dats the twuth, plsssss)
I guess not.
there is some rule or guide line that a recovering person SHOULD stay out of
sexual relationships for the first year of recovery !!! I say HOGWASH when things are right it'll work out. daphne 75, is probly not aware of the guide line, All I wish to say is not to judge to harshly.
like Lily Tomlin ounce said, ( and dats the twuth, plsssss)
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