Barbara52

My STBXAH is wallowing in his passive aggressive ways and refusing to discuss a settlement agreement, respond to emails about it, and of course won't sign the agreement I sent to him. I am trying to avoid hiring an attorney since this could be simple and straight forward.

Any suggestions on getting the jerk to sign the papers? I've already pointed out that he cannot get a penny from the potential sale of the house until the agreement is signed by both of us and that he needs the money to find another place to live. He is ignoring his own best interests here.

peaceteach

I wish I could help (hear the codie in me?) but alas, you are not dealing with a rational-thinking person. How long can you go before having to hire an attorney? Maybe that time has come.

Barbara52

Oh I can wait him out. The only reason I would like to get this resolved is if the house goes into foreclosure, he becomes homeless and I may lose track of him. Then I have to wait for the divorce. If the house sells, I am content with the proceeds going into escrow. I don't have any immediate need of it. He does. That money is going to be the only way he can rent a place for himself since he is still unemployed.

I am considering bribing him just to get it signed and done with. Not the best way to do it but it may be worth my peace of mind. The alternative is to wait til mid July and file for divorce without a settlement agreement and let a judge decide it all.

Bernadette

Oh my god -- I was gonna suggest "give him $50 bucks!!" but then I was like, oooh that is pretty cynical!!! I didn't want to offend you!!

But maybe a little payback for all the times the alkie used our codie behavior to their advantage - you could use the alkies need for money to your advantage!

Lordy. (bad karma) I better go say a Hail Mary.A:

Must be very frustrating!! Hang in there.
Peace,
B.

prodigal

One thing I've discovered in my dealings with A's is that they will go to any lengths to make our lives miserable. It doesn't matter to them if the consequences of their actions end them up living in the streets. You mentioned his mother enables him. It may be in the back of his mind that he can rely on her for $$ and a place to live if the house forecloses.

Anyway, they get some sort of weird kick out of pulling the passive-aggressive. It frustrates us. It annoys us. And you can bet your bottom dollar that THEY KNOW THAT.

It's perverse, but they get a sense of control out of jerking us around. I often wonder if what goes through their heads is something like this: "Who do you think you are to tell me what to do? NOBODY tells me what to do!"

I really feel for you, Barb. This has been a long, drawn-out situation. It didn't need to be that way. But you're dealing with an A. The proverbial fly in the ointment.

prodigal

That is entirely up to you. I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. I would let the chips fall where they may. If you bribe him, he may be delighted to know he got to you. And he still may drag his heels on signing anything.

Barbara52

If I decide to bribe him, he wouldn't see a penny until I have everything I need from him.

Barbara52

I'm reasonable sure that is his thinking. I am of course the evil witch who has ruined his life. I am the one who will be responsible if he gets kicked out of the house by the mortgage company. I am the one who is doing all the bad things to him. {rolling my eyes}

He is a victim of me and the world in general. {shrug}

Its ok. I can deal with this and his denial of reality. I know the facts. I know what I have done is right for me. I know that eventually the divorce will happen one way or another regardless of what he chooses to do. I trust in God to lead me where I need to go and to bring about the best possible outcome from everyone involved.

denny57

I came on here a long time ago and talked about blackmailing AH. I didn't do it and I'm glad.

I've made a conscious choice to live a life free of manipulation and deceit. The peace I have now tells me it was a good decision.

Barbara52

The feeling that a bribe is manipulation is what holds me back. He is financially vulnerable. Even though I know the settlement is fair and equitable, he has the right to turn it down without explanation or negotiation. I want to act with integrity thru all of this. So far I have. I am also fighting my control tendencies here in thinking I know what is best for him. I know I don't have nor want the right to tell him what to do.

I do believe I've answered myself here. Bribery is not acting with integrity.

So the waiting continues.

WantsOut

I've been evolving on a personal level and that change in me causes me to suggest to you that you just wait. Put it aside and stop engaging him. Just live in the present and be still. I bet the silence, and your peace, make him so crazy that he will come to you about it because he will need to engage you.

PrettyViolets

Is there a good friend or relative of his that he trusts that could negotiate for both of you? Perhaps set up a meeting between both of you.

I know that when I had the most difficulty with my husband and he was not returning my phone calls or emails that I worked with his parents (and I could have worked with his brother--they like me). I found out later that he had been drinking a lot (so he was not in a rational mind) and that he had just totaled his car into the median (thus he was trying to avoid people).

Just go about like you are trying to attract with honey (I realize he is a jerk--I even felt like my husband was treating me like a bill collector) and that resolving this will be good for both of you. Keep positive : )

denny57

It may end up being worth it. When I look back, I see my new behavior of not reacting and forcing "my way" has always been for the best. That doesn't mean I don't do what is right for me, but I did eventually stop trying to get him to perform my way.

Maybe setting a time limit for yourself before consulting an attorney?

tennis71

If you were detoxing I would suggest talking to a Dr. because detoxing is a medical issue. This is a legal issue that is not resolving itself; I suggest consulting with an attorney.

Try to see if they will do a free consultation and then you can make a fully informed decision on what your next step should be.

Sorry you are going through this, I'll pray for the very best outcome for you!

:praying

NYC_Chick

(((Barb)))

JMHO - Don't bribe him. If he is as manipulative as most A's, this can be twisted 100 different times over. If he signs something at the bribe and you know he is vulnerable (in any way), imagine what his crazy A mind could do with that.

Letting God take care of this one will allow you to take care of yourself in all respects. I can imagine it's really hard, but I know how strong you are and that you will get through.
:praying

hadenoughnow

I filed for divorce and told AH to get out or I would get an order to kick him out. Once you file the court will start scheduling hearing dates (at least they do here in MI). Thinking he would catch me off guard AH demanded that I have the papers drawn up, the day they were finished we got a letter for a custody and support hearing (the timing could not have been more perfect). He is terrified of court and judges so he signed a few days before the hearing so he would not have to attend.

I would file, if he does not cooperate or show up for hearings you will get what you want by default.

lexusgirl

All great advise above. You're in my thoughts and prayers.:praying

LaTeeDa

As far as I know, and I am not an attorney, any divorce settlement that is not signed freely and willfully by both parties can be challenged at a later date. You wouldn't want that.

I thinking waiting until you are not comfortable waiting any more, then hiring an attorney is probably the way to go.

L

Barbara52

Thanks for all the support and suggestions.

I had consulted with an attorney back in September so I know the basics of how it all works. Waiting him out is not that bad really. The way it works here without a signed agreement I can file for divorce after 1 yr seperation and let the judge decide the settlement. Since I am being more than fair already, it could only be to my advantage to wait til that year is up in July in that the judge might actually award me a greater share of equity.

Unfortunately, his only family is his mother and she is his current enabler. I tried getting our pastor to step in on some other issues and he was of no help since AH apparently has him snowed as to what the realities ofthe situation are.

I'm going back to patience mode.