Looking for some insight (long)
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11
Looking for some insight (long)
I'm new to the site, read the posting guidelines, and would like a little perspective on my situation. I initially had an epic typed out, but for reader's sake I tried to trim it down to a novel. I've been with my agf for nearing 20 months now and feel as though we've come to an impasse. I've never been much of a drinker myself, and initially, I did not know the agf had a problem with alcohol either...that is until one morning I was called to come get her because she was drunk and lost and nearly wrecked.
Naturally it didn't sit well with me, and she resolved not to drink anymore, and didn't for several months. Her mother and she eventually sat down with me and told me that she has issues with anxiety (which is why she had quit her previous job) and depression. She has never known her dad, and was in an abusive relationship for several years prior to meeting me. She took medications to help ease the anxiety and depression, but agf stopped taking them, which her mother said helped contribute to the negative behavior following her drinking.
She stopped drinking, but there were other fights...jealousy over other females, picking fights when I was especially busy with schoolwork (i.e. finals, thesis presentation)...she struck me across the face during one and was threatening break-ups repeatedly. She had stopped taking her pills. She then started to see a therapist, but the therapist was a "codie" to her alcoholic husband, so she did more harm then good.
I tried talking to a friend who had an alcoholic father, but agf keylogged the laptop and read everything. She started drinking at work and it all came out. Before her fulfilled promise of getting a new therapist, there was a phase where she wanted a child at all costs (something I was obviously opposed to given the circumstances) and she was sexually assaulted at work. She took a pill from a guy, thinking it'd get her high, he did things to her, and when I walked up he was in the chair and she was under the desk covered by a blanket. I was, and still am slightly, conflicted about it because I was furious she took it knowing it would impair her and that something like that could happen.
This event, combined with all the other incidents, were eroding my trust...and unlike your stereotypical college guy...my libido is dampened if my head's not in a good place, which was especially problematic for her anxiety and self-esteem issues. For a time it was passed off as me not coping with the sexual assault effectively enough, which may be true to some extent, but it was also a further sign that she hadn't fully committed herself to dealing with her substance abuse.
She started seeing a new therapist who specialized in substance abuse in young adults. She stopped after a few sessions; I suspect because he was so heavy-handed in dealing with the abuse...he started each with "How's the substance abuse?"
I have never waivered on my stance about drinking but acknowledge I haven't laid down an ultimatum either. I understood recovery to be a process and that slip-ups were nigh inevitable, so as long as she was actively working on it, it was my inclination to be supportive. Maybe that's codie of me. Either way, in the last few weeks it was revealed that she had been keeping a bottle in the apartment and drinking when she couldn't get caught. Then she lied about plans she had with friends, promising vehemently that wasn't going to drink...but did and had planned to do so from the start.
This outright lying to me and seemingly giving up on getting help has brought me to the brink. In the conversations that followed the lie, she quietly admitted that she never fully committed to the idea that she had a problem...that if she could just be a little bit stronger herself she could handle it. We sat down with her mother, and I told them both that she needed to seek help and stick to it, or I couldn't stay with her. We talked about going back to therapy, attending some sort of meetings (AA wouldnt sit well because she's not especially spiritual and her anxiety prevents her from being in big crowded places or situations where she will be the focus), or even seeking out forums.
I've seen no evidence of any of those steps. Some of it may very well be the anxiety/self-esteem (she's gained 70 some odd pounds when alcohol was not an option, perhaps swapping substance abuse for food addiction). All of this is even further complicated by the fact that her uncle, who has been her only father figure since birth, took a sudden turn for the worse following that conversation. He's been battling stage 4 cancer in multiple organs, and her mother says he has days/a couple weeks left.
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know the precarious situation that a death in the family can be. I've lost two grandparents myself in the last few years, but this hits even closer to home for her. At the same time, I get the mixed messages of "are things going to get better between us if i do get sober" and "I promise I'll get better." If anyone has managed to read through it all, let alone offer some advice, kudos and much thanks to you.
Naturally it didn't sit well with me, and she resolved not to drink anymore, and didn't for several months. Her mother and she eventually sat down with me and told me that she has issues with anxiety (which is why she had quit her previous job) and depression. She has never known her dad, and was in an abusive relationship for several years prior to meeting me. She took medications to help ease the anxiety and depression, but agf stopped taking them, which her mother said helped contribute to the negative behavior following her drinking.
She stopped drinking, but there were other fights...jealousy over other females, picking fights when I was especially busy with schoolwork (i.e. finals, thesis presentation)...she struck me across the face during one and was threatening break-ups repeatedly. She had stopped taking her pills. She then started to see a therapist, but the therapist was a "codie" to her alcoholic husband, so she did more harm then good.
I tried talking to a friend who had an alcoholic father, but agf keylogged the laptop and read everything. She started drinking at work and it all came out. Before her fulfilled promise of getting a new therapist, there was a phase where she wanted a child at all costs (something I was obviously opposed to given the circumstances) and she was sexually assaulted at work. She took a pill from a guy, thinking it'd get her high, he did things to her, and when I walked up he was in the chair and she was under the desk covered by a blanket. I was, and still am slightly, conflicted about it because I was furious she took it knowing it would impair her and that something like that could happen.
This event, combined with all the other incidents, were eroding my trust...and unlike your stereotypical college guy...my libido is dampened if my head's not in a good place, which was especially problematic for her anxiety and self-esteem issues. For a time it was passed off as me not coping with the sexual assault effectively enough, which may be true to some extent, but it was also a further sign that she hadn't fully committed herself to dealing with her substance abuse.
She started seeing a new therapist who specialized in substance abuse in young adults. She stopped after a few sessions; I suspect because he was so heavy-handed in dealing with the abuse...he started each with "How's the substance abuse?"
I have never waivered on my stance about drinking but acknowledge I haven't laid down an ultimatum either. I understood recovery to be a process and that slip-ups were nigh inevitable, so as long as she was actively working on it, it was my inclination to be supportive. Maybe that's codie of me. Either way, in the last few weeks it was revealed that she had been keeping a bottle in the apartment and drinking when she couldn't get caught. Then she lied about plans she had with friends, promising vehemently that wasn't going to drink...but did and had planned to do so from the start.
This outright lying to me and seemingly giving up on getting help has brought me to the brink. In the conversations that followed the lie, she quietly admitted that she never fully committed to the idea that she had a problem...that if she could just be a little bit stronger herself she could handle it. We sat down with her mother, and I told them both that she needed to seek help and stick to it, or I couldn't stay with her. We talked about going back to therapy, attending some sort of meetings (AA wouldnt sit well because she's not especially spiritual and her anxiety prevents her from being in big crowded places or situations where she will be the focus), or even seeking out forums.
I've seen no evidence of any of those steps. Some of it may very well be the anxiety/self-esteem (she's gained 70 some odd pounds when alcohol was not an option, perhaps swapping substance abuse for food addiction). All of this is even further complicated by the fact that her uncle, who has been her only father figure since birth, took a sudden turn for the worse following that conversation. He's been battling stage 4 cancer in multiple organs, and her mother says he has days/a couple weeks left.
I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know the precarious situation that a death in the family can be. I've lost two grandparents myself in the last few years, but this hits even closer to home for her. At the same time, I get the mixed messages of "are things going to get better between us if i do get sober" and "I promise I'll get better." If anyone has managed to read through it all, let alone offer some advice, kudos and much thanks to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hey guy,
Welcome and glad you found this site. It's been such a relief to find other people who are experiencing or have experienced what you are going through. I recommend reading back through as many threads as you can and also asking for support in threads. However, I will tell you that arriving here will not HELP your girlfriend with some miracle advice. But it will help YOU.
There is much to learn about how YOU have been affected by loving someone who is an alcoholic/addict. You wind up spending all your time and energy focusing on her instead of putting that energy into yourself. Your studies suffer, your self-esteem suffers, your anxiety goes through the roof. YOU try and try, but the addict doesn't get better. We've all been there. Then we begin to educate ourselves on a term called "codependency" and realize how wrongly we've approached the situation. NO ONE can fix the addict, except the addict herself. And there truly is no permanent fix. This will be her battle, for the rest of her life. And yours, if you decide to stay with this girl. I say girl, not woman, because emotionally she has stunted herself through the formative years where most naturally mature and grow. She has avoided that growth potential by staying high and abusing alcohol and drugs. She DOES NOT approach life like you do.
Please finish out your semester with as much focus on your studies as you can. Please educate yourself on the near futility of staying with an active addict/alcoholic whom you are not yet married to and do not yet have children with yet. If you want to spend the REST of your life (I AM NOT KIDDING HERE) dealing with this drama, then stop reading. If you are sensing that this is not how you want your life to be, educate yourself so that you can feel okay about ending this relationship. And tell her mom, too. Both of you are enabling this girl, not helping her. And you are also damaging yourselves greatly in the process.
Glad you found this site, and good luck with finals and some major decision-making.
Welcome and glad you found this site. It's been such a relief to find other people who are experiencing or have experienced what you are going through. I recommend reading back through as many threads as you can and also asking for support in threads. However, I will tell you that arriving here will not HELP your girlfriend with some miracle advice. But it will help YOU.
There is much to learn about how YOU have been affected by loving someone who is an alcoholic/addict. You wind up spending all your time and energy focusing on her instead of putting that energy into yourself. Your studies suffer, your self-esteem suffers, your anxiety goes through the roof. YOU try and try, but the addict doesn't get better. We've all been there. Then we begin to educate ourselves on a term called "codependency" and realize how wrongly we've approached the situation. NO ONE can fix the addict, except the addict herself. And there truly is no permanent fix. This will be her battle, for the rest of her life. And yours, if you decide to stay with this girl. I say girl, not woman, because emotionally she has stunted herself through the formative years where most naturally mature and grow. She has avoided that growth potential by staying high and abusing alcohol and drugs. She DOES NOT approach life like you do.
Please finish out your semester with as much focus on your studies as you can. Please educate yourself on the near futility of staying with an active addict/alcoholic whom you are not yet married to and do not yet have children with yet. If you want to spend the REST of your life (I AM NOT KIDDING HERE) dealing with this drama, then stop reading. If you are sensing that this is not how you want your life to be, educate yourself so that you can feel okay about ending this relationship. And tell her mom, too. Both of you are enabling this girl, not helping her. And you are also damaging yourselves greatly in the process.
Glad you found this site, and good luck with finals and some major decision-making.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by thatoneguy 
one morning I was called to come get her because she was drunk and lost and nearly wrecked.
she has issues with anxiety (which is why she had quit her previous job) and depression.
She has never known her dad, and was in an abusive relationship for several years prior to meeting me.
She took medications to help ease the anxiety and depression, but agf stopped taking them
there were other fights...
jealousy over other females,
picking fights when I was especially busy with schoolwork (i.e. finals, thesis presentation)...
she struck me across the face during one and was
threatening break-ups repeatedly.
She had stopped taking her pills.
agf keylogged the laptop and read everything.
She started drinking at work
She took a pill from a guy, thinking it'd get her high, he did things to her, and when I walked up he was in the chair and she was under the desk covered by a blanket.
in the last few weeks it was revealed that she had been keeping a bottle in the apartment and drinking when she couldn't get caught.
he lied about plans she had with friends, promising vehemently that wasn't going to drink...but did and had planned to do so from the start.
I don't know what to do.
It sometimes helps me to go back and read what I've written.
I can see what's in it for her, but what are you getting out of this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey there
Fear is such a strong force. I sense from your post that you fear leaving your agf because of her instability. Fear is what keeps us in the relationship sometimes. Fear of what would happen IF we left them. Fear of what they would do to themselves IF we left. Fear of the self loathing we would suffer IF............Fear. It's powerful.
Alcoholics go about their merry way while we exist with fear as our motivation to stick around. Until the alcoholic feels the full consequences of their drinking, they will continue to hold us as emotional hostages. It's a form of terrorism. lol. They know they have that lever and believe me, they use it to their full advantage.
This fear is a weight on our backs that we carry around and until we conquer that fear it will continue to drain us. We take responsibility for things that we cannot control. Alcoholics are self destructive. And they will continue to self destruct as long as we protect them from themselves.
Your post was eloquent. You are obviously an intelligent and talented man. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
Fear is such a strong force. I sense from your post that you fear leaving your agf because of her instability. Fear is what keeps us in the relationship sometimes. Fear of what would happen IF we left them. Fear of what they would do to themselves IF we left. Fear of the self loathing we would suffer IF............Fear. It's powerful.
Alcoholics go about their merry way while we exist with fear as our motivation to stick around. Until the alcoholic feels the full consequences of their drinking, they will continue to hold us as emotional hostages. It's a form of terrorism. lol. They know they have that lever and believe me, they use it to their full advantage.
This fear is a weight on our backs that we carry around and until we conquer that fear it will continue to drain us. We take responsibility for things that we cannot control. Alcoholics are self destructive. And they will continue to self destruct as long as we protect them from themselves.
Your post was eloquent. You are obviously an intelligent and talented man. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
Seems like harsh words hey. Not really - sometimes we need to hear the truth with some firmness.
Don't fall in that ditch my friend. Once you've fallen in there, it is very difficult to get out of it. I know it's one of the hardest things to do, but you need to think for your present and future self.
If you decide to stay, make it sure she knows you're not there to feed her need for the bad habit, but to destroy it. One of you need to leave - you, or the problems.
For yourself....good luck hey!!!
Don't fall in that ditch my friend. Once you've fallen in there, it is very difficult to get out of it. I know it's one of the hardest things to do, but you need to think for your present and future self.
If you decide to stay, make it sure she knows you're not there to feed her need for the bad habit, but to destroy it. One of you need to leave - you, or the problems.
For yourself....good luck hey!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My older son dated a girl who is bipolar for a number of years thru high school and a year or so of college. She's a wonderful young lady, a talented artist. The only problem was her refusal to take her medication reliably. WIthout it, she became suicidal and abusive. My son was in love and took this for all those years until he realized he could not babysit his girlfriend, wasn't willing to be her victim and could not be responsible for her choices. He broke off the relationship. It was the best thing he could do for himself. I was so proud that he was able to see this without input from me at the age of 21 and saved himself from continuing the rollercoaster ride with her.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
You love her - that is obvious.
Why?
Does she support you in difficult times?
Is she truthful and kind?
Does she consider your needs when determining her course of action?
You sound like a very giving, intelligent, and motivated man. I can hear the pain in your post.
You do not have to feel this pain.
Look at the situation with honest eyes. Can you thrive here? Can you love her and live with her if she continues to behave in these ways? And, you must assume that she will continue because:
you cannot make her stop.
She cannot love you enough.
You cannot be good enough.
And you are good. Think hard.
Wishing you peace,
-TC
Why?
Does she support you in difficult times?
Is she truthful and kind?
Does she consider your needs when determining her course of action?
You sound like a very giving, intelligent, and motivated man. I can hear the pain in your post.
You do not have to feel this pain.
Look at the situation with honest eyes. Can you thrive here? Can you love her and live with her if she continues to behave in these ways? And, you must assume that she will continue because:
you cannot make her stop.
She cannot love you enough.
You cannot be good enough.
And you are good. Think hard.
Wishing you peace,
-TC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Guy! Welcome!
I've been where you are with my xabf. I ended the relationship in November. I found out about his drinking in July after 3 years together.
I tried everything. When I first found out, he was scared so agreed to go to AA. He relapsed a month or so later. He went again...relapsed. He went again...relapsed. It goes on and on like this until THEY ARE READY FOR THEMSELVES to get help. My ex was and still is not as far as I can tell. Now it just doesn't matter because I have to live my life for me.
It's great that she is going to therapy, but that is often a mask. Mine told me, and I bought it until I educated myself, that he drank because he was depressed and suffered from anxiety. He thinks if he fixes that than there will be no need to drink and he will be cured. In truth, they are two separate problems and both need to be addressed.
You will often hear from people on the site "What are you getting out of this?" I didn't like hearing it when I got here, but after a while, I started realizing what I got out of it...
He fulfilled my need and addiction to chaos. He also fulfilled my need to keep chasing someone for love that he was not willing/able to give it to me. On top of that, he fit right into everything I have ever gotten out of relationships with the men in my life...crumbs. To me, any speck of attention, love, you name it was better than nothing.
It takes a long time to get to the point where you realize you are worth more than crumbs. I'm still struggling to fully embrace that, but with hard work we can all get there.
You sound like a nice, caring person. Imagine what you would get out of that if you put all that care into play toward yourself.
I've been where you are with my xabf. I ended the relationship in November. I found out about his drinking in July after 3 years together.
I tried everything. When I first found out, he was scared so agreed to go to AA. He relapsed a month or so later. He went again...relapsed. He went again...relapsed. It goes on and on like this until THEY ARE READY FOR THEMSELVES to get help. My ex was and still is not as far as I can tell. Now it just doesn't matter because I have to live my life for me.
It's great that she is going to therapy, but that is often a mask. Mine told me, and I bought it until I educated myself, that he drank because he was depressed and suffered from anxiety. He thinks if he fixes that than there will be no need to drink and he will be cured. In truth, they are two separate problems and both need to be addressed.
You will often hear from people on the site "What are you getting out of this?" I didn't like hearing it when I got here, but after a while, I started realizing what I got out of it...
He fulfilled my need and addiction to chaos. He also fulfilled my need to keep chasing someone for love that he was not willing/able to give it to me. On top of that, he fit right into everything I have ever gotten out of relationships with the men in my life...crumbs. To me, any speck of attention, love, you name it was better than nothing.
It takes a long time to get to the point where you realize you are worth more than crumbs. I'm still struggling to fully embrace that, but with hard work we can all get there.
You sound like a nice, caring person. Imagine what you would get out of that if you put all that care into play toward yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11
Thank you all for the responses. The dichotomy is that yes, she can be loving, compassionate, all those wonderful qualities one tends to seek in a partner. She was there for me when I dealt with the deaths of my grandparents, and all the drama/problems stopped around that time. Reading through other threads, perhaps this is the dual-personality phenomenon of an alcohol at work, dunno. And as some mentioned, she has had other self-destructive habits including cutting. I certainly stumbled into all of this and was most definitely not fully equipped to deal with it at the time.
Part of this that I have trouble with is that none of the therapists she has seen, nor her clinically licensed psychologist have pinned these behaviors down on drinking. If the heart of the problem was sheerly alcohol, how could medically trained personnel far more qualified than I have overlooked it for so long? They have, however, encouraged her to go to AA. Her mother is also a nurse, so she knows full well what can be at stake here...but I think that has been as much of a pitfall as helpful at times.
Being that agf has essentially been the center of her world as a single parent, she has been hyper-protective. I also noticed that her mother, often very helpful and caring toward me in her own right, tends to sour on her opinion of me when I start to pull away. I had mentioned that maybe agf should spend some time away, so that she didnt have the troubles of bills, day-to-day living, and such on top of the alcohol, but she asserted that agf would just be too crushed by the situation to make any self-improvement.
I've recently also made an extensive self-improvement list...little things here and there that I can do for myself to feel better, and agf's immediate response was to ask if that meant we were going to spend more 'quality' time together, because it's not healthy to repress those feelings.
It's a very delicate situation right now if her uncle really does have a week to live. Either way, I'm applying to grad school in the fall and going thereafter whether she's "ready" or not. I actually graduated with my BA already, but I had delayed grad school a year when I was still under the impression this was all anxiety/depression issues.
Thanks again for the kind words.
Part of this that I have trouble with is that none of the therapists she has seen, nor her clinically licensed psychologist have pinned these behaviors down on drinking. If the heart of the problem was sheerly alcohol, how could medically trained personnel far more qualified than I have overlooked it for so long? They have, however, encouraged her to go to AA. Her mother is also a nurse, so she knows full well what can be at stake here...but I think that has been as much of a pitfall as helpful at times.
Being that agf has essentially been the center of her world as a single parent, she has been hyper-protective. I also noticed that her mother, often very helpful and caring toward me in her own right, tends to sour on her opinion of me when I start to pull away. I had mentioned that maybe agf should spend some time away, so that she didnt have the troubles of bills, day-to-day living, and such on top of the alcohol, but she asserted that agf would just be too crushed by the situation to make any self-improvement.
I've recently also made an extensive self-improvement list...little things here and there that I can do for myself to feel better, and agf's immediate response was to ask if that meant we were going to spend more 'quality' time together, because it's not healthy to repress those feelings.
It's a very delicate situation right now if her uncle really does have a week to live. Either way, I'm applying to grad school in the fall and going thereafter whether she's "ready" or not. I actually graduated with my BA already, but I had delayed grad school a year when I was still under the impression this was all anxiety/depression issues.
Thanks again for the kind words.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
She may be self medicating with alcohol. A frequent occurence unfortunately. Its always hard to determine what is the underlying problem. In a way it doesn't amtter. She needs to deal with her issues whatever they may be. And only she can choose to do that. Or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I was reading on another message board the other day and there was a social worker who shared some profound wisdom which I think applies here as well.
She said one thing she lives by in her job is "never work harder than the client on solving their problems." It was such and AHA for me in regards to a question that gets asked here over and over. The question is where is the line between helping and enabling. This social worker answered it for me. If I am working harder than the Alcoholic on solving their alcoholism, I am enabling.
L
She said one thing she lives by in her job is "never work harder than the client on solving their problems." It was such and AHA for me in regards to a question that gets asked here over and over. The question is where is the line between helping and enabling. This social worker answered it for me. If I am working harder than the Alcoholic on solving their alcoholism, I am enabling.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There are many good and thoughtful young men in the world -- like yourself -- who have chosen to remain involved with someone with this incredible degree of emotional baggage, and get personal rewards from the time, heartache, and energy they expend on the relationship.
And there are many who have decided that this kind of relationship is not the one that best feeds them....that they can't save someone from themselves, and have other hopes and dreams for their lives.
Good luck with this, guy....only you will know what's right for you. But, like you, I wouldn't blame this on alcohol alone. She's a deeply troubled person who, if she chooses to get help, will be fighting this fight forever.
Hugs to you. I can see how hard you're trying to do the right thing.
And there are many who have decided that this kind of relationship is not the one that best feeds them....that they can't save someone from themselves, and have other hopes and dreams for their lives.
Good luck with this, guy....only you will know what's right for you. But, like you, I wouldn't blame this on alcohol alone. She's a deeply troubled person who, if she chooses to get help, will be fighting this fight forever.
Hugs to you. I can see how hard you're trying to do the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
You would be surprised to learn how many therapist/psychiatrist don't know much about alcoholism.
Your story is turning out to be very similar to mine. My xabf's mother is also a nurse and has been for 30 some years. She doesn't see a problem with my xbf's attempt to control drinking, at least not last time we spoke. She just wants the problem to go away. I believe that is because she is a selfish manipulator and as long as the focus is on him, no one is free to focus on her, but I digress. Anyway, she is also very concerned with how her son will do without me. His whole family is. When I ended it in November, he finally came clean to his family about his "issues with alcohol" I'm not sure if he mentioned he was downing a pint of whiskey a night. So once he came clean and came unglued, they all started calling me to tell me how sorry they were and they were willing to do anything to get him help him and us if I decided to stay. I went back. Then I found out he was drinking with them over the holidays.
The mother, father, and brother are all fine with me as long as my ex is front and center in my life. BUT once I started to pull away (this happened at least 3 times) the mother would tell xabf that I will never put him first in my life and he should cut his loses. hmmm...interesting. All I did was put him first. Does this sound familiar?
I think it's two things a) they don't want to see their child suffer and b) they don't want to have to be responsible for fixing their child. When xabf called to tell his parents, he spoke with his father. His mother refused to speak with him for 2 weeks. Sad, but true.
What do you want for you? I may not have all the answers, but I am certain God did not put me on this earth to live my life for anyone but me. Figuring out how to do that is the hard part. Your gf's mother is asking you to put aside your life to save her child. Too bad! Your gf is making the choice to drink. Let her figure out how to deal with the consequences of that. It's hard and it hurts, but it will be a tiny bit easier each day.
Your story is turning out to be very similar to mine. My xabf's mother is also a nurse and has been for 30 some years. She doesn't see a problem with my xbf's attempt to control drinking, at least not last time we spoke. She just wants the problem to go away. I believe that is because she is a selfish manipulator and as long as the focus is on him, no one is free to focus on her, but I digress. Anyway, she is also very concerned with how her son will do without me. His whole family is. When I ended it in November, he finally came clean to his family about his "issues with alcohol" I'm not sure if he mentioned he was downing a pint of whiskey a night. So once he came clean and came unglued, they all started calling me to tell me how sorry they were and they were willing to do anything to get him help him and us if I decided to stay. I went back. Then I found out he was drinking with them over the holidays.
The mother, father, and brother are all fine with me as long as my ex is front and center in my life. BUT once I started to pull away (this happened at least 3 times) the mother would tell xabf that I will never put him first in my life and he should cut his loses. hmmm...interesting. All I did was put him first. Does this sound familiar?
I think it's two things a) they don't want to see their child suffer and b) they don't want to have to be responsible for fixing their child. When xabf called to tell his parents, he spoke with his father. His mother refused to speak with him for 2 weeks. Sad, but true.
What do you want for you? I may not have all the answers, but I am certain God did not put me on this earth to live my life for anyone but me. Figuring out how to do that is the hard part. Your gf's mother is asking you to put aside your life to save her child. Too bad! Your gf is making the choice to drink. Let her figure out how to deal with the consequences of that. It's hard and it hurts, but it will be a tiny bit easier each day.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
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He relapsed a month or so later. He went again...relapsed. He went again...relapsed. It goes on and on like this until THEY ARE READY FOR THEMSELVES to get help.
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