Need advice..
 

My exabf came over with a cop about an hour ago. I didn't even know as I was in the shower and was left a message by the cop to call, as they had already left.

I feel as though the cop is on his side and demanded I give him his things ASAP. Ummmmm hello! I have a life too and I have been very busy and things have been chaotic around here.

Xabf's Dad just called and I said could you please ask him about repayment of 150 dollars of bills. He put him on the phone and he said too bad. I know I know I will have to suck it up and eat the money. But I cannot afford to pay what he still owes here and he just strolls on in wanting his things with NO notice whatsoever.

I am supposed to call the cop back to give him a time by 8 pm tonight. Grrrrr I'm so mad..this isn't fair..what do I do just let him come over and get things with the cop?

Just doesn't seem right to me at all!!

just cooperate with the police so that he can get the rest of his things, and get out of your life. I think the only reason he brought a policeman with him is to assure that he would be able to get in to get his things. actually, it's good that he did that.

as far as the bills, pay them, send him a certified letter documenting what you paid, and what he owes, give him a deadline in which you'd like them paid, keep documentation on anything you send and anything that is said, and then (if it's worth it to you), sue him in your local small claims court for what he owes you.

Heya Lexus--
Well, are the things his?
He's just got the cop involved to make you nervous.

Kill 'em with kindness and be super nice to the cop!!!

Yeah, I dunno about eating the $150 - that totally sux - but getting in an argument about it, especially when tension is so high won't make the money magically appear. Maybe mention it real sunny and casually in front of the cop! Like, oh before you go could you write me that check for the $150 you owe me, etc... I mean you know him best - is he really ever gonna pay you?

Is this getting you on the road to where you want to be? Isn't it good if he comes and gets his stuff - like isn't that a marked FINAL moment? And it may be better for both of you that there will be a cop there. It's often in these final moments when the codie is no longer playing by the rules that the addict flips their wig.

Hang in there Lexus---
Peace,
B.

Thank you!

This just is not ****ing fair! He barges in here with a cop, and yet he won't pay me my money.

I know I need to calm down, but he has no integrity. I always get stuck with picking up everyone else's messes.

Yup one of the bills is in my name, the other water bill is in the owner's name that we rent from. I guess I could call the property managment company regarding that one.

Yes I know it's the right thing for him to get his things, but.....everything is going HIS way...he gets his things, then doesn't have to pay me any money. Just isn't right....it hurts...

that's what sucks about both being on the lease. it doesn't matter what he hasn't paid, it's still his posessions. it's not like you can hold them ransom or anything.

I know what you mean though.

the prop mgmt company is still going to require that the water bill be paid - it doesn't matter to the water company who pays the bill, and it's not going to matter to the owner - it just has to be paid. so, you are stuck with it, if he doesn't pay. the only recourse is to sue him for any unpaid rents up until the day he gets the last of his things out, and his part of any bills.

Yes, you DO have a life. The cop is not taking sides, he is performing his duties. Don't take it personally. The guy doesn't know you or your bf from jack. He's just doing what he has to do.

Yes, you just let him come over and get HIS things (the operative word here is HIS; not his and your's...). I understand your frustration with this matter, lexusgirl, but I want to offer my opinion here. This is not just pointed at you, but at a lot of folks here who say, "this isn't fair, " "life isn't fair," "I'm unhappy with this situation; this man; this relationship."

Where is there a guarantee that life is fair? Life is not fair. People who lie, cheat, and steal get away with stuff all the time. Folks who try to play fair and by the rules get run over and stomped on. This is reality.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is let your bf in, get him to gather his stuff quickly, remain passive and as pleasant as possible. Then thank God that this loser is getting out of your life!

this too will pass.....
6 months from now all of this won't matter. K? Move on with your life. He wants you getting upset, don't. Listen to above advice. Write him a bill, keep track of what you pay on HIS behalf and go to small claim court.

Right now I'm so hurt and angry I just want to do the wrong thing and tell him to **** off and find another way to get his things.

I can understand how you feel, but it's best to just get it over with. If a family member could come in his place, that would be the best thing, but then they really wouldnt know what things were his. So it's best to just let it happen, so you can be done with it.

I'd suggest that you not blow your cool while the cop is there. Just let it happen, quietly.

Lex

It may not be right, it may suck. But your mood and your mental health are being manipulated. Easy does it. The price ya gotta pay to be free...

Ah, the drama we drunks can conjure! Verdi and Puccini have nothing on us. We will be martyrs and die onstage.

Meanwhile, don't you want his crap outta there? To end this act of the opera? The next one is better. I read the reviews and they are good.

My ex and I had a pretty amicable divorce. But there were some things... I just sucked it up. I wanted an end to the drama as soon as possible. I had a new life to embark upon and so did she. I've had many friends whose lives were ruled by crap for years.

It seems like priority one might be private, inviolable space. No ex, no cops, no Daddy. Space safe for mind and body and heart. Something YOU control.

Try to maintain the higher legal and moral ground. You don't want to be blindsided because you got too emotional. Believe me, he's barely keeping it together. I wouldn't want to be around him in a couple of weeks. When the liquor really starts flowing.

I know, we sound like a broken record. Take care of YOURself. The thing about this stuff is that it usually happens but once. And you want to come out of it whole and as financially viable as you can. That takes focus and control. When it is over you can let loose. But I be it will be accompanied by a sigh of relief.

The next act is better. Believe in it.

warren

You all are such wonderful and insightful people!:) and I mean that with all of my heart!!:ghug

I'm praying with all that I have right now to do the right thing; like my rage o holic Father, I've been known to get quite angry.

I'm hurting very badly, as he just says screw this I want to drink and have no responsiblities. In the meantime I'm left to pay his bills. As he just walks on by, and finds a free couch to call home. I'm struggling like hell trying to find a new place to rent and I'm having no luck. I have a few strikes against me with having two dogs and not such superior credit. It's just ridiculous how selfish he is.

You're a strong girl, Lex. You'll get through this, even though it does suck. I couldn't believe how little my ex knew about what it cost to raise two children. I eventually quit trying to get it through to him during his active addiction and dealt with stuff myself. It all worked out fine and my kids and I suffered less stress because of it. I totally agree with just taking the high road. Remember, you have not been self-medicating and have "grown up" like a normal human being. Your ex is still stunted in maturity. His tit-for-tat game of bringing the police is probably an attempt at paybacks for you calling the police earlier.

On an immature note, I loved it that you were in the shower when they came and he had to have then realized you changed the locks-LOL. Sorry, just couldn't resist.

Try viewing it as a cost you incurred due to a bad choice. Heck I may lose $75K or so if the house doesn't sell. I view it as a cost of my poor choice in who I married. If I lose money but gain peace and a better life, its worth it to me.

Hopefully not everyone's messes. But yup, many As exhibit little integrity. That's just the way it is.

So pick a time, call the cop, have a friend over with you if you want the support. Let him get his stuff and start moving on. You will get thru this and get to a bterr place.

Hi Lexus,

I know it is hard to deal with. I too am in this situation, absorbing bills accumulated together, now on my own. I keep thinking that I will use this as a hard lesson. Next time I am in a relationship and living with someone, I will get every money issue in BOTH names to ensure joint viability (not even sure thats a word!) The biggest mistake I made was allowing alot of loans, bills, utilities to be in my name only. He must have seen me coming a mile off with a big ''I am a mug'' tatooed on my forehead.

We'll do better next time like my signiture says, because we KNOW better. Keep plodding through, you will make it, even credit ratings are salvageable. Keep your sanity!

Love Lily xxxxxxxxx

Lex

Resentment isn't just a killer for alcoholics. It can dominate your life. We do get to choose who affects us. We must give someone our permission. You cannot hurt or make me angry or take up my thoughts all day unless I grant you the power to do so.

I think the earlier in the dissolution of a relationship one deals with this, the better. Beware of "schadenfreude." That is taking pleasure in another's misfortune. Wish him a healthy, happy and prosperous life and proceed to get on with yours.

warren

All of you are right...:)

I did the right thing and called the cop back and scheduled a time for Thursday. In the meantime I'm going to try to find someone or hire a cheap "handyman" off Craigslist to move all the heavy items into the garage so he can just grab it all from inside the garage without having to come into the house. The little things I have already boxed up and put into the garage.


Hehe I was thinking about that too. He even had a u haul and the cop "felt bad for him," because he was unable to get in. Poor guy...

Lex,

You ARE strong. Hang in there. I heard this once at an open AA meeting and I appreciated it so much:

"When God closes one door, he opens another -- but the hallway is a B--CH!"

You're in the hallway but warrens is right: the next act is going to be much, much better.

Hang in there. Keep the focus on you.