DESIGNER

God I am miserable today...can't seem to get the xabf off of my mind. I want to call him soooo bad but know that I shouldn't b/c it would only push me back a step further. I feel like I want to call him and just tell him that I can't take not having him in my life. I want to hold him and have him hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.....I know that I am just dreaming but it is so hard not to call and attempt this. God when is this feeling going to go away? Please help. I am typing here so that I don't call him. I need to stay strong but I miss him so much....the good times that is.

LaTeeDa

Okay, I replied on the other thread. Here is cut and paste.

Designer,

When I felt like you do, I took out a notebook and pen and started writing it all down. Everything I wanted to say to him, everything that was running around in my head--all of it. It was like a pressure release valve for me. If those thoughts stayed in my head, they would just multiply and get bigger, and BIGGER, and BIGGER, until it was overwhelming. Moving them from my brain to paper brought them back into perspective.

Then, when I was done writing, I would take a nap, or a walk, or a bath, or something that would help me relax.

And the bonus is, later you can go back and read what you wrote and be amazed at the insights you will have. Writing on SR is good, but you don't have to censor your thoughts or worry about how "crazy" you might sound if you're only writing to yourself.

L

angelfromheaven

Perhaps rather focus on the things you CAN do than CAN'T do. You could do a list with all things you can do just with yourself or other people.

I think you are lying to yourself be saying that you just want to be friends.

Try to keep yourself busy and speak/write to your support group

Be strong!

denny57

I am also a big believer in journaling. I go back and look at my morning pages and am just amazed at what I learn about myself, from myself.

I've noticed a bit of a theme in your posts over the last couple days. Blame is being laid at his childhood problems, lack of security, friends who pushed him to drink, etc. I had all those things in my life, and more, yet do not drink to numb the pain. I am not an addict.

Seeing AH for what (not who) he is - an alcoholic who for now does not seek recovery - helped me get past the magical thinking of reconciliation.

On the other hand, sometimes it takes a whole lot of hurting to get to the place of wanting to hurt no more. I know, I lived it.

((( )))

DESIGNER

I think that he was an alcoholic before he even drank. It is in his family. Do you think that they have certain genes in their body that makes them more prone to becoming addicted to alcohol....I have read somewhere that they do. I just know how many times he tried to quit. I guess I need to ask myself was he quitting for me or for him. I think at the times it was so that he would not lose me.

DESIGNER

Isn't it funny how alcoholics and codependents are so much alike...just a different addiction.

Maybe that is why he is not missing me....he still has his addiction substance.

peaceteach

Now that makes perfect sense to me.

DetachMe9

D: Last night, AH and I watched my alma mater KU win the college basketball championship. We ate, laughed, yelled, hugged, etc. then went to our separate bedrooms and went to sleep - - awaiting the finalization of our divorce in the next few weeks. Before I drifted off, I spent about 20 minutes negotiating a reconciliation with him in my head. All I could think about was the good stuff and I wanted to run into the spare bedroom where he is and just jump in.

Today, reality. He's still an alcoholic and not willing to do any kind of recovery. He made terrible decisions and choices over the past 2 years that hurt me repeatedly. He was unfaithful to me, he lied, he walked away from a great job because his boss was a "bitch", and he drove around drunk more than once. He stayed unemployed for 6 months and depleted all our savings trying to stay alive financially. He scared the crap out of me many times and ruined a 5-yrs-planned vacation to Mexico last year by getting wasted and threatening to off himself in the hotel.

But he's still such a great guy.

I'm writing this for you and me both today. Do not not not let these thoughts pull you back into that warm, soft lie of addiction. Draw the line and don't move from it. Doing so is enabling and that gets us nowhere immediately. I'm so ready for this to be over.

Take care, D9.

DESIGNER

wow detachme 9 way to be strong. I had those moments also when I still lived with the xabf. God it was so crazy. How could we still love each other so much and still have so much fun together and it still is coming to an end!

I feel better now...a little. I took LaTeeDa's suggestion and wrote some stuff down. I Do feel better. Going to start doing that more often. I will be ok ....just a little set back.

Also it does not help that I work alone all day long. I am looking to try and find something new right now so hopefully that will be better. i am a people person for sure and it would be a good distraction.

denny57

Yes, I do.

LucyA

I don't get that one. My mum and dad rarely drink, I drink normally and responsibly but my brother is alcoholic.

never saw my granparents drink either.

RosieM

Writing writing writing. I think that saved my life when times were so intense I couldn't stand it. Just the act of focusing on the writing took my mind off the situation even though I was writing about the situation. In that book The Artist's Way she suggests writing three pages before you even get up in the morning!

DESIGNER

See this is my problem which I have to snap myself out of a lot of times. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him for the fact that he is such a beautiful person inside minus the alchohol. I have seen him try quiting a million times only to fail. When he left me he gave up trying to make things right. He told me that he has tried and he just could not seem to quit.

Now on the other hand I feel bad for him b/c he is just plain blind to what is in front of him. Disease or not there is help out there and he knows the destruction he has caused around him and instead of fixing the problem and making things right to the ones he has hurt he just leaves. He has seen me cry and hurt, he has seen his mother that loves him so much cry, his brothers cry, his dad cry(big guy that he is) and his cousin that loves him so much cry. He has also cried so hard at times because he knows what he is doing is wrong. He has been scared but continues to drink. If I was addicted like that to something and I knew that the ones around me were hurting so much and I was hurting so much I would have to get help....no ifs and or buts about it. I would find away as much as it sucked. . If there were no recovering alcoholics in this world then I would have a different opinion but there is help out there and he needs to embrace it and he does not want to.......he is being selfish not only to the ones he loves but to himself.

I know that what he is doing right now is hiding from all the ones that really love him so that he does not hurt us anymore. He can be anyone that he wants to his family now that I am not in the picture anymore b/c his friends don't care about him and will never go to his family like I did.

PrettyViolets

My husband is like GQ guy when he is sober and does not drink--he is friendly and has a good heart-----And when he drinks, he is like a hick--not attractive. He told me that he wrote a 10 page paper for his recovery program on how drinking does not make him a better person (and I was like "Duh!")

My husband's uncles had problems with alcohol/drugs, and they now live with his grandmother. It is like they have given up on life, dealing with social situations, having a job. They just live with the grandmother because they have health conditions. It is stressful on the family, because they do not know what the uncles are going to do if something happens to the grandmother. But the grandmother has set up the finances to be handled by my husband's father and mother so they will be allotted money for living (basically they did not want the uncles to spend their money and then not have a place to live).

But his mother, father and brother do not have a problem with drinking. His brother is actually a little older than 40 and would be a great guy for a woman to date--he is still single--he is just not aggressive with dating women-he likes the outdoors and hiking--he is very laid back--6"5"--reminds me of a Eddie Bauer guy.

We now do not drink around him because we are supporting his recovery.

prodigal

Just a suggestion, because it appears you are having a rough time right now and struggling with the compulsion to call him. Re-read your posts. Him, HIM, HIM. You are fixated on him. I don't know if you see it or not ... but your are totally obsessed.

If all of us codies spent half as much analyzing ourselves that we spend analyzing the addict, this board would probably shut down. When I read posts like your's, I usually suggest that you try posting about how you are feeling, but NOT as it refers to him, your relationship with him, your lack of relationship with him, etc.

Just post about you; what you want, what you feel, what goals you have for yourself. JUST LEAVE HIM OUT OF THE EQUATION.

denny57

How do you know that? What if he is hiding so he can drink?

Whenever I find myself "knowing" someone else, I do a mini 4th and realize I barely know myself.

DESIGNER

God I know that I am fixated on him.....because I love him so much. I hate that b/c of this disease he is gone.

I was doing so good with focusing on myself a little while ago but something happened and I lost it. I was working out, reading, spending time with friends and trying to focus on me.....and I lost it. I always seem to lose it. Gosh thanks for pointing that out to me. I need to just focus on me and what i am doing....not what he may be doing. It is so hard to do. I have a ton of work to do on myself.

I think that I have too much time to think. My job is a little slow right now and I work mostly alone so it is hard to keep my mind off of our past relationship. I just recently submitted my resume for a job that I recieved my degree in....maybe that will help.

whatnow2

I think genetics is a BIG part of it. I see it in my 19 year old daughter, the exact same personality traits. Very sensitive, defensive, impulsive. I pesonally believe it can't work unless they stop for themselves, because what happens the first time you get in a fight after they get sober? What if for some reasons after he finds sobriety you decide the relationship isn't working.

I think it's it's too much pressure to put on a spouse of an A if that is why they are getting sober. This is only my opinion, but I personally will not take responsibility for my AH's drinking.

whatnow2

Wanted to add one more thing. For weeks on end I stopped speaking to AH because of the alcohol and lying. He reacted by leaving for 2 weeks almost drinking himself to death. I thought I was strong and went to a couple of lawyers and was ready to leave.

Then I got scared and started to miss him. And I started crying...A LOT! I begged him to come back because I was scared for him and scared for me. I thought if I told him how scared I was for him and how much I loved him, things would change. Well guess what. Nothings changed and I am ready now. But I think I needed to cry and I needed to mourn.

I have been married for almost 20 years and as bad as it's been, change is always scary. I am still in the process of planning to leave. I'm getting my affairs in order and am afraid it might get ugly when he get's served divorce papers. Hopefully, I'll have as much strength then as I think I do now. All I know is when he's not around, I have peace.

My counselor gave me a list of self soothing activities. I am going to find it and post a thread. I hope things get better for you!

prodigal

You are going through the grief process. He IS gone. That man is dead. He is buried in the grave of alcoholism. Let me just share my own experience with you. I had to grieve the loss of my AH. I did so in a way that seems rather masochistic ... but it worked for me. I have an old videotape of my husband that was filmed in June 1992. I've watched it several times over the past four years. No, I don't watch it regularly, but there are times when I need to grieve my loss and this helps me get through it.

My AH was in great physical shape (worked out five days a week and ran marathons). He was well-spoken, intelligent, well-educated. And he was a REALLY cute guy.

The man walking around my house today looks every day of 65 (he's 50). Actually, he walks and talks like a man who is in his late 70's. He suffers from neuropathy, so his gait is stiff-legged and uneven. He rolls his fingers like someone rolling spare change in their hand. He has no concept what day of the week it is most of the time. He has wasted away to around 135-140 pounds. He's only 5'8", but you can imagine what that weight looks like on a man.

It is not a pretty sight. I had to work on myself day after day after day in order to get past the grief. Now, I see a man for whom I have great sympathy. But I also see a man who made his own choices. I feel no anger. I moved on with my life. I said goodbye to the sweet, kind, intelligent man who once was. That man is dead.

Long time comin' ... long time gone.