meagan

My first love was an alcoholic. We were together for a year and a half on and off and finally i just had to get a way from him. I met someone new (my daughter's father) but the love i had for him just never went away. That was approximately four years ago. Throughout those four years, I wrote him emails, because i really still cared for him. I let him know how i was doing, how my life was going, asked him how he was doing, so on... We reconnected via email when my daughter was just a baby (she is three now) but that didn't last long. He eventually quit writing to me. In 2006, I wrote him various emails, brought a phone card for him to call me if he needed. He called me once and i had to have him call me back because i was with my best friend and she hated him and i didn't want her to know i was talking to him. Well he never called back. I knew he messed up. It made me sad. 2007, I continued to write him toward the end of this year, sometimes emails everyday. Just updating him on my life, on how my daughter was doing, etc... Letting him know i still loved him very much and all i wanted was to see him sober. Toward the middle of last month, i finally got an email back from him!! I was soo happy. In it he wrote how he had screwed up and how he checked himself into rehab for three months and how he has been sober for four months thusfar... It will be five months come April 12th. He is in Tucson, AZ has been living in a recovery home. He has been seeing a psychiatrist because his family messed up his head really bad. He has just been doing really good and we have been talking on the phone ever since he has written me back. We have decided to get back together and he is moving here. His love for me has never really died either and i just love the way he is, he is happy now, he says he is happy now. He's funny and sweet. He said he feels that when we were together four years ago, that he just wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship, all he cared for was the alcohol and now all he wants is to be with me and he sees a good future for us.

My question is, what can I do to help him stay sober? I have been looking up where AA meetings are held here for him to attend because he said he will need one. I have read some stuff on this site and I think I am going to tell him about it and he can set himself up with an account. Can someone help me understand the ups and downs of being an alcoholic and what i can maybe expect from him... I just would like some advice on what i can do to be supportive towards him because i love him so much, i don't know how i would feel if he relapses. Can people really change throughout a four year period and four almost five months of being sober? Any advice would be truly appreciated. Thanks

Lilyflower

Hi there Meagan,

I truely hope everything works out for you with this guy. I must be honest with you though, I think this is going to be extremely difficult for you both.

This isn't a long time in recovery. From all the information I have seen and the experiences shared here, this is just the beginning for him, and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. He couldn't when he was drinking, he went to rehab (a sheltered reality) and has been living in a rehab home (still sheltered). He has yet to get his own home, hold down a job, deal with the everyday pressures of life, and proven to all that he can still stay sober. To me it seems that he will still be sheltered by coming to live with you, he is dodging facing his reality.

This is my concern, all though this sounds really romantic and joyous, I would be worried about the 'all he wants is to be with me', he should want so much more from his life, like his sobriety first, and just want to share it with you. Sounds to me as though he has replaced his top priority (alcohol) with you. Putting another sentient being at the top of your list is not healthy IMHO.

I fear this may become your reality again, unless he chooses his sobriety over and above all else.

Good Luck
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

4MY3

I totaly agree with the previous Post just be aware and remember you cant do it for him and you need to Take Care Of you ,I have to keep reminding myself of just that.
Good luck I wish you all the happiness there is.

abcdefg

Hi, Meagan.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of information here. Many people who post here have walked through the incidents and phases that you already have and surely will in the future.

The best thing you can do for this man is to

1. Do what is best for you and your daughter (who is truly and solely dependent upon you, unlike a grown man who has available whatever resources HE chooses)
2. Learn everything you can about the disease of alcoholism and how it affects those friends and family members around the alcoholic

I have found invaluable information in Al-anon. It is a 12-step recovery program for anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking. AA is for the alcoholics. Al-anon is for people like us. I urge you to find a meeting in your area and begin attending as soon as possible (some meetings offer babysitting).

In these meetings you will hear stories and be exposed to literature (which you can purchase if you like) that will give you invaluable education regarding what alcoholism does to the body, mind, spirit. The more you know, the better you will be able to support the person you love. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease -- in many cases, what we instinctively believe to be helpful in supporting a loved one is actually HARMFUL to an alcoholic, drinking or not. It's very confusing and it takes a while to learn the ropes. You can learn many tools from those who have walked this path before you and managed to achieve serenity whether the alcoholic recovers or not.

It's wonderful that he has a few months of sobriety (let's call it detoxification really, since the cumulative effect of all that drinking can take quite some time to leave the body). But, as was stated, that is a very short time in reality. Relapse is common. I don't say that to be gloomy. I say that because recovery is a bumpy, long road.

But there is help and hope out there for you. Turn the focus on yourself and you will be giving everyone you love the best gift of all.

triciafawn

this post gives me hope for my own situation. i was dating someone who is an alcoholic. he hit rock bottom this past month, lost his job, let everything go, was drinking all day long, and I let him move in with me. 3 weeks later, after an argument we had about his drinking, he left and checked himself into a detox and today he left for 3 months of rehab. He's done all this before. I've had a week from hell, and have been trying to predict the future as far as what is going to happen with us when he gets out of treatment. He has had no contact with me since the day he left, and I know that's the best thing. But I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I don't know if he even wants to have anything to do with me anymore. So what I am saying is that your post DOES give me hope. Because I DO love him.

HOWEVER, I agree with others that are saying that going from a recovery home straight into your home, is probably a bad idea. I don't want to rain on your parade, but it sounds like to me he has nowwhere else to go, and that you've come along at the right time maybe? But of course I don't know and can only speculate.

So I just say be careful, if this is truly the decision you have made. Make sure he does his part. Don't "take care" of him. He has to be independent. HE has to keep working the program, WITHOUT your encouragement. If I were you, I'd make it a requirement, in order to be involved with you at all.