EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
I have been feeling so down lately - there have been spurts of ups here and there, but I can't get out of this "funk"

Part of the reason that I'm down is that I have been beginning to have negetive feelings towards my husband - who is in recovery and 2 months sober. I can't seem to be proud of him at all... And as much as I want him to be sober, I don't even know if I LIKE him this way. I keep questioning it all. Is this the way he REALLY is? Is this the man I married? I am beginning to wonder if we will survive as a couple... we got together with HIM as an addict, and ME as the codependant partner - it worked well... now it doesn't seem to be working at all. Could these be typical feelings?

He is very stubborn and opinionated by nature, and can be a real ego-maninac at times. I honestly believed that this wa not really him.... that after he was sober, the more gentle, sensitive guy that I have seen would come out. But it seems he is MORE headstrong! He says things like "this is the way I am... I feel great about being sober... I AM better than the others"... But it translates to me as him being very DIFFICULT.

I guess I am beginning to have strong feelings about acheiving my OWN happiness, and even tho he is sober, I am not 100% sure he is right for me anymore. We are both growong and changing so much

Any input?
Meg

EyesOpen

Sounds to me like you're experiencing some burn-out. When he drank, he was the family headache. When he goes into recovery, he the familiy superstar. Either way, all eyes are on him. The center of attention.... and you are placed in the "spouse role", in the background.

I have spend so much time around my XAH, that I get more stressed when he's acting good than when he's trashed. When he puts on his "good boy" show, I get the feeling he's a big phony. I get the feeling that he thinks I'm a sucker or something.

It's possible to forgive these people for what they've done to us, but it isn't easy to still be around them. Forgiveness is easier at a distance.......

EmotionalMeg

Eyesopen,
I am amazed that something as simple as what you said never occured to me before... He IS the centre of attention, drunk or sober. Perhaps I thought that when he was sober I would FINALLY be getting the attention and care I deserve. But the truth is that I am neglecting myself when I feel this way - I need to give MYSELF some attention and care.
I am sure that in the midst of his disease, I took it personally - he was doing this to ME. Perhaps I am looking for payback now that he is sober...
So many notions running thru my head - I don't know WHAT is right anymore

I appreciate your insight, thanks
Meg

prettywoman

I am reading your post and can relate strongly. I feel that we have been through so much bad stuff in the past with our A that it does something to us emotionally. Why? Well I think that after a while we get tired of "working so hard" to have a loving and healthy relationship with our man. We exhausted! We get depressed and loose our selfesteem.

Sometimes when an A gets "Sober" he is more difficult to be around than when he drinks. Sometimes when the A gets sober he has huge resentments towards the woman he is with because she "Reminds" him of the "Bad Him". I have seen it over and over again that when an A gets "Sober" he runs of to be with someone "NEW" why because "SHE" won't "NAG" and she does not "KNOW" the real "HIM".

You are left with confusion, emptiness, wondering why he left when you were dedicated to him all those years.

We as women change as well because no longer do we want the "Drama" we want our own serenity and happiness and let's face it , you will not get that being with an A. There will always be "Something" to put up with. The damage has already been done and is deep embeded into your soul.

I know from going to AlAnon meetings in the past (I do not go anymore) that they want to teach us to LET GO WITH LOVE and find our way to SERENITY. That is all nice but in reality it is not like that. We are "pretending" to have Serenity when were not because if you still with your A you are still suffering. We go to ALanon to get our "FIX" and maybe it makes us feel better for that little moment but it won't last because we are still with our A.

True serenity comes only from leaving a bad situation, healing our inner child and start a new fresh life. To get healthy so that we can be with healthy man and people.

I have done a lot of research and have spoken to many many people. Perhaps I was lucky to have left right in the beginning and not been around when it got worse but what I experienced with my ex A I won't ever forget and I learned a lot.

Meg, what you are feeling are huge red flags.....YIELD! to them! Take charge of your life and know that there are good things ahead for you.

It feels bad to feel all these feelings of unsureness on what to do. I know I feel them to at times. Life is hard as it is and there are way to many good things to keep putting up with the bad. You only go around one time! Take a chance and find out who Meg is.

You can't do that staying in a bad situation, it will not work.

Sometimes leaving and starting new is what can change everything. For you and your A. Sometimes the A may really turn around. When you let go with love 100% you will know what to do, you will listen to your inner and follow it instead of fighting it.

I miss my ex a lot, the good him. I will not go back to him! If by some miracle he changes and gets his life straight and he shows me 100% that there are permanent changes I may...............I may consider. I do not see this happening any time soon so in the meantime I live my life. I have times when I sit and I cry because I want him near. To know that he is doing so many bad things instead of taking responsibilities to his son that is in the hospital fighting for his little life.

Why should I tell him anything? He won't be a support to me! He is to busy picking up little girls online and letting them send him nude pics and telling them he loves them after knowing them for what let me see now a few days?

He is so full of guilt to what he is doing because he knows it is wrong, he lashes out at me like it is my bad . You see what I mean? They know what they are doing they are not stupid and it makes them feel like "****" so to make themselves feel better they lash out at us want to blame us and make us feel bad.

My ex does not deserve me or our child. I will move heaven and earth to keep him away in the state of mind he is in right now. Whatever it takes.

Who is to say I am wrong for protecting my child and myself? Noone in my book because I am taking care of my responsibilities.

I hope this makes a little sense to you Meg. You are in charge of you!

God Bless

EyesOpen

Hi Meg:

From what little I understand, the steps of AA are supposed to address this issue, of teaching them how to "just be normal" , and not have the world revolve around them. When I found that out, I gained a bit more respect for the 12-steps and more fear of alcoholism.

You'd think that just by removing the alcohol, that they'd turn into warm, loving, kind, affectionate human beings. But, apparently that doesn't happen. They have to be taught all over again, just like when we were all 2-year olds.

My XAH never sobered up, so I can't share. But maybe there's someone out there how has experience with an A who is not only sober, but also has recovered to the point that they're not an emotional vacuum.

Makes me sooooooooooo glad that I don't suffer from alcoholism! The more I learn about this stuff, the more scared I get for its victims.

EmotionalMeg

Hi Prettywoman,
Hope the little guy is doing well - He's been in my thoughts a lot.
I totally understand what you are saying, about life being too short to remain in a "bad" situation. I agree, life IS too short... But I am not in a place that is unsafe, or unhealthy; in fact things are quite peaceful as far as the "alcoholism" is concerned. The problem is with ME... I am starting to go thru so many emotions that resurface from my past, and having a tough time with my husband on top of that.
Someone said something very wise to me today - give yourself the benefit of TIME. This means, I can FEEL my emotions without having to make any HUGE decisions... it is working so far This also allows me to figure out how to keep my "hands off" where my husband and his recovery is concerned... more time for me

Eyesopen,
Yes, it makes sense what you said... Before an A reaches recovery, their behaviors, though completely insane, are "normal" to them... I guess it just never occured to me that the attitude was a part of the whole package. Why is it that A's are egomaniacs... full of themselves????

Meg

Stephanie

Hi Meg,

I couldn't help answering this last question of yours about why Alcoholics are ego maniacs. First of all because I put up with my husbands ego mania all the time and second because as a recovering addict, I've been there. The best answer I have is SURVIVAL

They have a saying in AA that alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complex's. My self esteem was so low and my shame was so high but I could not show that to anyone for fear that it would send the message that there was a problem. I had to guard my alcohol problem with my life even from myself because to admit meant maybe having to stop drinking. I steered clear of anything that threatened my drinking. I had to make it appear that I had it together so that I would not be found out. Mostly people are pretty aware but the alcoholic is in denial. The ego stuff feeds the denial.

In recovery it just gets worse but only in the beginning. It will get better because it's way too painful to attend meetings and be lying to everyone and to yourself. Eventually if he';s really working a program, then he'll wake up.

It was worse in the beginning of recovery because being sober and dealing with some of the wreckage that came up for me was pretty painful but I only knew how to deal with my feeling one way....to drink. So I just denied my feelings until I couldn't stand itanymore. I denied my feelings by identifying out and feeling better than and by making the closest people in my life feel inferior so I could build myself up. Believe me, ask any addict with some time in recovery. This attitude is very short lived. One of two things will happen. I've seen it thousands of times. He will either get honest and be real (which is that he hates himself right now and he feels like sh..) or he will use again.

Now, my problem as an anon is that I focus on my husband too much and I allow whatever he is feeling, doing, saying effect me. Why should it. None of it is about me. I had to look at why the stuff he does bothers me so much. In that process i have begun to work on some issues that are all mine and contribute to our issues as a couple.

Pretty woman said something that I used to agree with before I really understood what true recovery in Alanon is about.
********************
We are "pretending" to have Serenity when were not because if you still with your A you are still suffering. We go to ALanon to get our "FIX" and maybe it makes us feel better for that little moment but it won't last because we are still with our A.

********************

From what I have learned......it's not about my A...it's all about me. I am doing my adult/child work right along side of him. In fact most times my therapy for the week comes directly from my reaction to a particular comment he mad or my behavior towards him. I'm grateful for him because in my interaction with him, I am able to get a mirror image of where my issues lye.

My husband has a big ego too and can be pretty sarcastic. Most times I take his comments the wrong way. Everyone has their own perception. The fact that i perceive him as being negative towards me is largely my perception based on some insecurity. I don't analyze and rip apart his comment like before. I look at the feelings I get and where they come from. It's helping with my relationship with my parents and others.

I am pretty positive that if i left my husband it would not end any suffering I have in my life. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I can be my own worst enemy and that won't change until I really practice all I am learning for a time. Or else i would just find someone else that will serve the exact same purpose in my life or bring a new set of issues with him, and he will not be the father of my kids.

You got some great advice. You don't have to make any decisions today. Have faith in the process of recovery and ride out the beginning. It's bound to be bumpy until at least 6 months.

I hope you're doing Ok PW. You and the baby are in all of our prayers.

Stephanie

Gabe

brother-in-law here. At one point, he told my ex-A "You know, I think I liked you better when you were drinking."
Alcoholics can be very difficult to deal with during the first few months of recovery. Many of them are still fighting the urge to drink and feeling bitter and resentful that they can't resort to their old ways.
I'm sorry that you are going through so much confusion about how you feel these days Meg. It's hard not to think "He's not drinking anymore, aren't things supposed to be better now?"
Hugs to you.
Peace,
Gabe

P.S. Word play:
If you flip the "a" and the "c" in "scared"...you get "sacred".
If you replace the "i" in "bitter" with an "e" you get "better".
If you scramble the word "stressed" you get "desserts".
Let's all be better and sacred...then we'll have some dessert!

EmotionalMeg

Hi Stephanie,
You have some very powerful info here - thank you. It makes a lot of sense; My husband IS a very insecure, self-loathing guy... When he was drinking, the attitude was much much worse. I can imagine how AFRAID he was that someone clued in to his drinking problem, or that HE himself had to own up to it. Not only would he be a failure for having such an "issue", but he would HAVE to quit...

It is obvious to me that my husband is not yet ready to let go of these protective devices... his sponser has told him mnay times that he uses HUMOR and SARCASM to hide behind. If he is challanged in any way, his guard goes up, and the nasty words come out. I am trying to figure out why he feels he needs to protect himself from ME however. Do I REMIND him of where he wishes he could be? (drinking again) Does he RESENT the fact that I am still here? Its very confusing. He always tells me how "closed off" I am; it's true. He resents the fact that I WON'T "take care" of him; tend to his needs... like his mother used to do; like I used to do when he was drinking. I am MORE closed off now that he is recovering... maybe because I don't TRUST that things will remain stable.
Thank you so much for your wisdom Stephanie,
And congratulations on YOUR own sobriety... You should be so proud
Meg

Gabe,
I liked your post... It reminds me how "normal" I am.
Meg:p

Stephanie

Yup, humor and sarcasm. Here too. However, when we went to counseling once I got some in-sight into why he has to protect himself from me. I was wondering too because he doesn't seem able to ever be serious. He said that I'm the one he has to protect himself from the most because I had the potential to hurt him the most.

lyn_blossom78

Geesh, are you sure your husband's name isn't Squinty? I guess I knew from being on this forum long enough, that Squinty wasn't gonna turn into an angel, just because he gave up drinking. He still has Narcissistic tendancies, he still is always the center of attention, etc. Funny, I told him when he decided to quit drinking 2-1/2 weeks ago, and he was open to listening to me (a rare thing!)--that quitting drinking wasn't going to cure everything. I told him he was a jerk before he drank, and quitting wasn't going to change it--and he agreed! So--he knows he's a jerk.

They were ALL the attention when they were drunk (how could they not be?--they demanded it!). Now, they still need attention--approval, approval, approval. They need more than ever to have their cup filled up daily with compliments, praises, etc. Only thing is--I don't know about you, but after dealing with this for so long, it's awfully hard to force yourself to throw a compliment in his direction, just for doing what he should have already done a long time ago!

I'm personally finding it hard to not go back into my old habits of Edith Bunkering around him--being the strong person I have grown into over the last 2 years.

So, for what it's worth--I know how you feel! I've thought of you alot, while I was gone, and prayed for you. Just remember--you just have to get through one 24 hour period--and then another. Tomorrow will be brighter--you are on the right road.

Hugs,
Lyn

EmotionalMeg

Hi Lynn,
Its so nice to hear from you

I am sure that the "boys" take LESSONS on how to drive their wives nuts... and they ALL learn from the same textbook . What would the book be called?... ADDICTION 101: HOW TO BE AN ADDICT AND KEEP A CODEPENDANT WIFE

I am so mean

But its true... sometimes the characteristics are so definate - the same from one addict to the next. Especially the need for approval... I am guessing it is because their disease has shamed them inside for so many years; My husband has a very hard time believing that he is worth anything at all. In his recovery it is similar: He does not believe he is WORTH a 2nd chance; doesn't think he DESERVES happiness and serenity. Unfortunatly for US, the "attitude" they use to hide behind, is often aimed directly at those that are the closest to them.

But, you are right... tomorrow WILL be brighter. One baby step down the road at a time

Big hugs to you Lynn,
And thanks
Meg

ODAT

I guess everyone finds their own timing and route to health.

Thing is, we expect that once they stop drinking, everything will be all better and then we feel ripped off when it doesn't turn out that way.

Early sobriety is just that. Early sobriety. Its when, hopefully, they are learning to put into practise some of the tools that will over a long period of time, help make them into better people...functional people. But they are only just beginning.

Self-hatred, hatred, anger, resentment, self-pitying, egotystical emotions run the gammet in early sobriety. One minute feeling on the top of the world, next feeling so damned scared, and then feeling sad and then up again. Over about a year or so, these eventually settle down. If they are doing their program, then you can bet that some of the others will jump all over them for that kind of thing, although honestly I'm sure most of them only are like that in the 'safe' place to hang out.

At the momment I just finished a rotten night with my son. He was really hard to deal with, breaking rules left right and center and just going out of his way it seemed to irritate. I found myself very upset and taking everything personally....eventually things calmed down and I did get to somehow get through to him about choices and trying....and the rest of the evenng went okay. Yet I am down.

Whether they get sobriety, turn into our 'dream' person, or not....wether we stay with them or leave.....we still have ourselves to deal with. And I am finding out how so much of what I 'blamed' on him......wasn't just him at all. I DID play such a part in my own unhappiness. When I was with him I got to play the sad heroess routine and I kind of liked it at one level. As long as I had him to worry about....and to look good beside....I could ignore to a large extrent the things that were going on with me.

Dunno if you recognize this type of thing or not. I am the type of person that can go to a shop, buy something....and if the girl at the cashier is having a bad day.....I will immediately take her 'bad mood' personally.....figure she's mean......but what is it about ME that she doesn't like? Who is SHE to look at me like that.....and because of that look.....I can be reduced at times to feeling indignant, hurt, insulted......anything.....just because she was miserable. Of course I'm going to take my partners behavior and moods seriously.

Its almost like we expect that once the drinking stops...all of the other stuff will fall into place. And it WILL given enough time and us doing our own stuff. Somehow we figure that because we are in Alanon.....and are doing all the stuff we are supposed to....our partners are going to thank us for being the good girl and not get upset when we start changing the rules.

LIke.....from their perspective.....he would be thinking.....
"darn it.....she's SUPPOSED to be calling in for me/helping me/picking me up from the stairs/ cleaning up my vomit/ coivering bad cheques etc etc......because darn it...she's MY wife..and thans the unspoken agreement we had at the beginning. NOW the b**** has gone and changed the rules and I have to get healthy or get out!!!!!!!!!! I can't drink......but I WANT to drink. I want to so bad......and its all HER fault that I can't.

Alcoholics are not the greatest at taking their own inventory and looking at themselves. Thats kind of why the 4th step for them is such a biggie. Own-up or you will likely drink again. And many of them sincerely want to be able to drink normally. Two-months into the program....he is still very vulnerable and sadly......one thing we have to get through our heads is that they are STILL alcoholics even if they are not using. Just now, he is an alcoholic who is struggling with acceptance.

Personally, I don't Alanon is there just so we can discuss the alcoholic....it is there so that we can start gaining contro and having hope at our own life. So we can start to 'let go' of the clutches from worry and learn to claim our own sobriety.

For me serenity isn't something that comes because of who is in my life. It is something that comes from within and is directly related to how well I use those steps for my own life....just as he will always be an alcoholic......I will likely always be co-dependant. Those tendancies are well grained into me and it is only through the working the steps myself that I will start to find that all elusive commodity. (serenity).

EmotionalMeg

Taira,
Thank you so much - you sound like one who has gained valuable skills; I so appreciate the insight.

One thing u said stood out: about how much of a role I play in my own unhappiness. I too held on to being the sad, lonely, mistreated wife of an alcoholic... I relished in the sympathy and concern others often gave me - it was MY unhealthy way of being paid attention to. It worked well for a time; I was in control, because HE was too irresponsible to be. And I was the smart one, the kind one, the strong one; all the while attaining friends thru sympathy and pity. Sad when u think about it .

It took a while, but I DID realize what I was doing, and how self-destructive it was; I have grown a lot in the past year or so. And its exactly as you said, I am beginning to have to look to myself for all the reasons I remain unhappy. One of the biggest lessons I have learned of late, is how I am responsible for my feelings, NOT him (or anyone else for that matter). Just like how you were talking about the cashier having a "bad" day? And you taking it personally? Thats ME too. I am still trying to convince myself that just because I am angry (or sad, or hurt, or depressed), it is NOT HIS fault. I am responsible. Whenever I am intensly feeling ANY negative now, I keep reminding myself "It's OK to feel, just don't react" over and over; I give myself permission to FEEL, and then I move on.

I am trying my best to give my husband some space... because that is what I need also. Things are still so raw for the both of us. I truly enjoy my meetings every week; its a chance for me NOT to talk about HIM... and let go of some of the emotions that swirl around in my head.

The hardest part is SURRENDERING. Knowing that my HP is truly taking care of me; and no matter how hard I try I CANNOT forsee the future, or anticipate the outcomes.

Thanks for sharing
Meg

Jacy

Hi,

I'm new and haven't posted before but have been reading quite a bit lately.

When I read this thread something a co-worker (married to a recovering A) once said to me came to mind:

"There's an old saying.. 'You can take the 'alcohol' out of the alcoholic but you're still stuck with the ic[k]."

Now I have no idea if that's an old Al-Anon saying or not because I haven't been able to dredge up the wherewithal to get to my first meeting. :/

Anyway, this thread really hit home because so much of it resonates with me. His need for approval, gutter-low self-esteem, egomaniac, inferiority complex... pretty much sums him up.

I'm too tired tonight to write my story and in fact, it's probably been written here a thousand times already so it'd just be one more diatribe for the archives, but I do hope to get back here and post in the coming days. In short, I've been married to my A for 14 years, we have 3 kids (b11, b9, g7) and I've had it.

I've been viewing my situation as similar to moving through the stages of death: denial, anger, grief and acceptance. Not long ago I finally moved out of denial and ran head-first for anger. Ooooh, did that feel good. Unproductive, but oh so righteous. [Although... in another venue I read a comment written by an A, that said the angrier he allowed himself to get at his 'trigger', the 'purer' he got to be. Gulp.] I'm now vacillating daily -- hourly, even -- between anger and grief, admittedly reluctant to give up the anger entirely although I know I must if I'm to get anywhere.

Meg, I often wonder how similarly I'll feel when I get to your position. My A dries out from time to time, usually when he feels he's getting too pudgy for his clothes. During those 2-4 week time frames I get a glimpse of what it'll be like and I'm not so sure I'll want to hang around. Which brings me to the grief. Ugh - he's 'dry' and I'm depressed???

Gabe, I had to laugh when I read your brother-in-law comment. My A's brother is in AA and been doing a damn fine job of being sober for 2+ years now. The irony... My A commented he liked his brother better when he was drunk. My A cannot bear to look the success story in the eye: life without alcohol IS possible. Easier to say his bro has turned into a (sober) jerk. I get my own personal Springer show when my A and his Vicodin-addicted sister (what was that about a heredity link??) start ragging in unison about the sober bro.

Thanks to you all for the wit and wisdom and 'I'm not alone' moments in this thread and forum! I'd give you a group hug if there were a smiley for it. ********}}}}