Trying to do the right thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Trying to do the right thing.
Last night started out good until xabf got home. I have been feeling good considering what I'm going through with him and having to leave, having no luck in finding a place to rent etc. I went to see my counselor yesterday and did things for ME... I got my hair foiled and cut which made me feel "pretty."
So he gets home and starts in on me. Asked me what made me feel so "pretty" today. He has been looking at my Myspace thing in which you can set the moods to how you feel, mine was set to "pretty." He was drunk and went on and on about how I must be seeing someone new. So I proceeded to go upstairs, didn't say anything to him, and locked myself in my room and got on SR. He then broke the doorknob off the door and hit the door really hard and was yelling at me.
Basically he wants me to "fight" with him, and I won't do it. I'm feeling like I can't even act happy around him because he begins to start a fight with me and thinks I'm seeing someone else. I called my counselor today and she suggested I call the police if he starts acting this way again.
I really need lots of prayers in hopes that I can move out very soon and find a place to live. I cannot live like this much longer. I will not put up with anymore abuse. He is gone again tonight out drinking so I'm feeling a little on edge.
I guess if things continue I will have to go stay in a cheap motel somewhere.
So he gets home and starts in on me. Asked me what made me feel so "pretty" today. He has been looking at my Myspace thing in which you can set the moods to how you feel, mine was set to "pretty." He was drunk and went on and on about how I must be seeing someone new. So I proceeded to go upstairs, didn't say anything to him, and locked myself in my room and got on SR. He then broke the doorknob off the door and hit the door really hard and was yelling at me.
Basically he wants me to "fight" with him, and I won't do it. I'm feeling like I can't even act happy around him because he begins to start a fight with me and thinks I'm seeing someone else. I called my counselor today and she suggested I call the police if he starts acting this way again.
I really need lots of prayers in hopes that I can move out very soon and find a place to live. I cannot live like this much longer. I will not put up with anymore abuse. He is gone again tonight out drinking so I'm feeling a little on edge.
I guess if things continue I will have to go stay in a cheap motel somewhere.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl 
I called my counselor today and she suggested I call the police if he starts acting this way again.
L
P.S. If it were me, I might give the myspace thing a rest till you get your own place, but that's just me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
:praying
Be safe and call the police if he hits anything else in the house. That is usually a sign of worse things to come.
Be safe and call the police if he hits anything else in the house. That is usually a sign of worse things to come.
Yes that is exactly what my counselor said.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
For me, when my ex started throwing things and not letting me use my phone was when I left. You did the right thing by calling for support and help.
While he's out, can you make a plan if things start up again tonight when he gets back?
Please stay safe!
While he's out, can you make a plan if things start up again tonight when he gets back?
Please stay safe!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
It's not about him right now. You do whatever is best for you!
They will say whatever to make you question yourself. Eventually, I just heard quack, quack, quack. It was best for me to just act and not to say anything to keep up an argument.
Hoping you find a place soon!
They will say whatever to make you question yourself. Eventually, I just heard quack, quack, quack. It was best for me to just act and not to say anything to keep up an argument.
Hoping you find a place soon!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
:praying
Be safe and call the police if he hits anything else in the house. That is usually a sign of worse things to come.
Be safe and call the police if he hits anything else in the house. That is usually a sign of worse things to come.
Please call the police if you need to-do not be afraid to do so! I was at first-and glad that I did in the end!
Be safe blessings to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Lex
You sound like you are on top of things. You are not trying to "understand," you are not "owning" his madness. It is madness, you know. All of us addicts are insane. Some of us a lovably insane. Many of us don't "deserve" to be insane. Most of us are really good people.
But that is what is meant by separating the addict from his addiction. He seems totally at the mercy of his disease. In that state, good people do things that are the very opposite of their character. We flail about as if our clothing were on fire. We just want it out! Don't attempt to understand...
Make a plan (as you have) and stick to it. Do not engage him emotionally, either out of love or disgust. We want it to be "all about us." When others simply take care of their own needs (safety, sanity, etc.) it drives us crazy. Only when we realize that we and our addiction are not the governing force in the universe, do we have a chance at recovery.
If you are walking down the street and you come upon a dog that is acting strangely, a sane person will not approach. We accept that it may pose danger. A part of us may wish that the dog can be petted into submission. We don't stick around to find out, though.We take care of our own need for safety.
Taking care of your own safety and peace of mind is not overreacting. It is doing what is sane and sensible. People in the most intimate, loving relationships do the same thing. Safety is built upon trust. Those who trust each other have a sense of increasing their safety. Distrust only leads to fear.
Consider a restraining order. It may sound drastic. But you are not dealing with the person you fell in love with. He's given up control to something else. Something that you cannot trust or understand. Even he is far from understanding it. A restraining order is not about HIM. It is totally about YOU. You can't put out a fire when you are on fire.
Best to you...
warren
You sound like you are on top of things. You are not trying to "understand," you are not "owning" his madness. It is madness, you know. All of us addicts are insane. Some of us a lovably insane. Many of us don't "deserve" to be insane. Most of us are really good people.
But that is what is meant by separating the addict from his addiction. He seems totally at the mercy of his disease. In that state, good people do things that are the very opposite of their character. We flail about as if our clothing were on fire. We just want it out! Don't attempt to understand...
Make a plan (as you have) and stick to it. Do not engage him emotionally, either out of love or disgust. We want it to be "all about us." When others simply take care of their own needs (safety, sanity, etc.) it drives us crazy. Only when we realize that we and our addiction are not the governing force in the universe, do we have a chance at recovery.
If you are walking down the street and you come upon a dog that is acting strangely, a sane person will not approach. We accept that it may pose danger. A part of us may wish that the dog can be petted into submission. We don't stick around to find out, though.We take care of our own need for safety.
Taking care of your own safety and peace of mind is not overreacting. It is doing what is sane and sensible. People in the most intimate, loving relationships do the same thing. Safety is built upon trust. Those who trust each other have a sense of increasing their safety. Distrust only leads to fear.
Consider a restraining order. It may sound drastic. But you are not dealing with the person you fell in love with. He's given up control to something else. Something that you cannot trust or understand. Even he is far from understanding it. A restraining order is not about HIM. It is totally about YOU. You can't put out a fire when you are on fire.
Best to you...
warren
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know for me, my ex-husband wasn’t really my ex while we remained living in the same environment.
My mind was made up, my emotions were detached my plan was in place. I filed for divorce but he claimed he could not afford to move out and his attorney advised him to stay for as long as the divorce was going to take. (18 months)
It was a nightmare that lasted 16 months until he finally did move out.
Even if you have a friend or relative that you could move in with temporarily until you find something else, it would make all the difference in your word of really separating from him and his behavior.
He is going to continue to engage you for as long as you remain under the same room. I can only suggest you live very defensively.
And yes call the police next time he gets violent.
I agree with LaTeeDa give the myspace thing a rest. That is apart of living defensively until you can move out.
My mind was made up, my emotions were detached my plan was in place. I filed for divorce but he claimed he could not afford to move out and his attorney advised him to stay for as long as the divorce was going to take. (18 months)
It was a nightmare that lasted 16 months until he finally did move out.
Even if you have a friend or relative that you could move in with temporarily until you find something else, it would make all the difference in your word of really separating from him and his behavior.
He is going to continue to engage you for as long as you remain under the same room. I can only suggest you live very defensively.
And yes call the police next time he gets violent.
I agree with LaTeeDa give the myspace thing a rest. That is apart of living defensively until you can move out.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl
got on SR. He then broke the doorknob off the door and hit the door really hard and was yelling at me.
In a lot of states, breaking things in a fight is considered an act of domestic violence, and the perp can be arrested. I know it's the law in Michigan, the act of destroying property-owned by the perp or not-is considered intimidation. Good Luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Thank you for all the kind words and input! It means a lot to me.
I don't have any family close that I could stay with. I have my two dogs so that makes it a little harder unless I board them.
In a way, staying here for the little while we've been apart has given me even more reinforcement that I do not want to be with him. At first I thought I was acting to quickly, but now I know for sure I'm doing the right thing.
It's not only his drinking, it's the unacceptable behavior as well.
I am praying very hard in hopes that I find a place.
I don't have any family close that I could stay with. I have my two dogs so that makes it a little harder unless I board them.
In a way, staying here for the little while we've been apart has given me even more reinforcement that I do not want to be with him. At first I thought I was acting to quickly, but now I know for sure I'm doing the right thing.
It's not only his drinking, it's the unacceptable behavior as well.
I am praying very hard in hopes that I find a place.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
He's starting to behave violently. This guy is a loose canon on your deck. Are you willing to stay in that house, hoping he won't start in on you? I would suggest you board your dogs. Do you have friends you can stay with for awhile?
Your ex is getting aggressive. Locked doors are not going to keep him out.
Your ex is getting aggressive. Locked doors are not going to keep him out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
No I don't have anyone I can stay with right now. I guess I will have to pray like crazy and hopefully my prayers will be answered VERY soon!
I'm a tough girl I know that probably doesn't mean a lot to anyone, but I'll get through this, even tho it's extremely difficult.
I'm a tough girl I know that probably doesn't mean a lot to anyone, but I'll get through this, even tho it's extremely difficult.
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