AH acting out: Need opinions and ideas
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
AH acting out: Need opinions and ideas
I am in the process of divorcing my XAH. I am also in the process of learning about myself, my codie ways and other issues. I am working on recovery through Alanon meetings, reading CAL and other books, SR, got a sponsor and low and behold a true friend!
So, the issue is my STBXAH is still acting out and gone from dry drunk to drinking. His most recent stunt is taking our family horse trailer without consulting me and lending it to a friend that has to move. His acting out typically involves a “grain of truth” and this time it is the kindness of helping out a family in need. The acting out was his not informing me so I could remove the items needed to work with our horses, not telling me where the trailer was, and not following through on his word to retrun the trailer. The trailer has everything in it and I can’t ride without a saddle and a bridle!
He did this 12 days ago. Last Wednesday when I went out for a nice peaceful ride I discovered the trailer was missing. It was his night with the kids and even though I was disappointed I let it go and thought he needed the trailer for work and didn’t have time to return it and it would be back the next day. Silly me…
Saturday, I go out again. It was my weekend without the kids and those are still hard so I had planned to ride because it is fun for me. NO TRAILER, no call from him either. Now I know something is amiss and I call him (we have no contact ) and ask where the trailer is. He does sound surprised and then apologizes and promises it will be back on Sunday but will not tell me where it is.
I go out Sunday 5PM and no trailer. I call again waking him from a nap followed by another empty promise to return the trailer.
Today, you guessed it NO TRAILER, no explanation, and I feel stuck.
I prayed and tried to remember how to act healthy even though I don’t feel healthy and this is what I came up with.
I am going to get a lock for the hitch that will have one key that I have. Therefore he can’t take the trailer without my knowledge which will allow me to remove the things I need so I can ride the horse. I also plan to install the lock without his knowledge and next time he takes the trailer he will find it. If I tell him beforehand he will install his own lock. I don’t have the truck, he does. All I want is the pleasure of riding the horse and he is trying to take that away.
Opinions??? Or ideas?
So, the issue is my STBXAH is still acting out and gone from dry drunk to drinking. His most recent stunt is taking our family horse trailer without consulting me and lending it to a friend that has to move. His acting out typically involves a “grain of truth” and this time it is the kindness of helping out a family in need. The acting out was his not informing me so I could remove the items needed to work with our horses, not telling me where the trailer was, and not following through on his word to retrun the trailer. The trailer has everything in it and I can’t ride without a saddle and a bridle!
He did this 12 days ago. Last Wednesday when I went out for a nice peaceful ride I discovered the trailer was missing. It was his night with the kids and even though I was disappointed I let it go and thought he needed the trailer for work and didn’t have time to return it and it would be back the next day. Silly me…
Saturday, I go out again. It was my weekend without the kids and those are still hard so I had planned to ride because it is fun for me. NO TRAILER, no call from him either. Now I know something is amiss and I call him (we have no contact ) and ask where the trailer is. He does sound surprised and then apologizes and promises it will be back on Sunday but will not tell me where it is.
I go out Sunday 5PM and no trailer. I call again waking him from a nap followed by another empty promise to return the trailer.
Today, you guessed it NO TRAILER, no explanation, and I feel stuck.
I prayed and tried to remember how to act healthy even though I don’t feel healthy and this is what I came up with.
I am going to get a lock for the hitch that will have one key that I have. Therefore he can’t take the trailer without my knowledge which will allow me to remove the things I need so I can ride the horse. I also plan to install the lock without his knowledge and next time he takes the trailer he will find it. If I tell him beforehand he will install his own lock. I don’t have the truck, he does. All I want is the pleasure of riding the horse and he is trying to take that away.
Opinions??? Or ideas?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Mine took my snowblower "to be fixed" (aka hide at his friends house since as far as I knoew it was not broken). It's still not back. I changed the locks and told him that if anything else disappears I will file a police report (our divorce papers are signed so at least I have something to show what he was not supposed to take).
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Who's trailer is it? Is it registered in your name or his? If it's in your name or it's yours, I would call the police and report it stolen and say he is the one that took it without your knowledge or consent.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
The trailer is joint marital property even though it is in his name. I found out through the divorce process that even though the only thing we have my name listed on is the house ( that was a shocking discovery of his character and my naiveness) the law in this state considers it joint. The divorce settlement ( not signed yet) requires him to buy me out of the trailer. However we use the trailer for the kids' 4H projects so it is a joint thing and the kids keep their tack in the trailer too...it is a lot of stuff. At the moment no one can ride.
I want out of the trailer because he is irresponsible with it. My kids noticed it one day attached to his truck and parked at the local bowling alley -bar in a crowded tight parking lot. He was belly up to the bar and the door to the tack room of the trailer was UNLOCKED!!! All that stuff could have been gone in an instant not to mention someone backing into the trailer or him drinking and driving.
The lawyer advises that if he balks at buying me out it is small potatoes and that I need to keep the big picture in mind. Good advice for my recovery too.
I want out of the trailer because he is irresponsible with it. My kids noticed it one day attached to his truck and parked at the local bowling alley -bar in a crowded tight parking lot. He was belly up to the bar and the door to the tack room of the trailer was UNLOCKED!!! All that stuff could have been gone in an instant not to mention someone backing into the trailer or him drinking and driving.
The lawyer advises that if he balks at buying me out it is small potatoes and that I need to keep the big picture in mind. Good advice for my recovery too.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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I would think that putting a lock on it opens you to more problems than it would solve. Can you find an alternative when you want the trailer and his isn't available? Can you take the "stuff" out and only put it in when needed?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
This too shall pass. I didn't really understand that when people said it at first, but I think I do now. It's still a power struggle as long as I remain engaged. I'd find a way to do without the trailer/have no contact with trailer until it was over. Not so he can "win," but so that I can have peace in my life.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
During my divorce I not only put a chain on the boat trailer but I let the air out of the tires and hid the air compressor.....my theory was: he may have put that hooch in my seat in our truck but I will sink that boat before she ever has a chance to sit in my seat on OUR boat......then - even tho it was in his name I used a power of attorney that he signed 3 years earlier and sold it.....ummm hmmmm all is fair in love and divorce....oooooopppppsssss my bad. I look at this way for those who think Janitw a little callous - all my married life which was 22 yrs I played more than fair....what he did was a deal breaker and the fairness was just plain GONE..... uuumm hmmmm
Janitw
Janitw
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Janitw 
I look at this way for those who think Janitw a little callous - all my married life which was 22 yrs I played more than fair....what he did was a deal breaker and the fairness was just plain GONE.....
Felt good then, feels good now LOL!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Can you store the tack elsewhere? If he knows that riding brings you peace and he knows the tack is in the trailer and you can't ride without it, he probably did it just to bug you.....particularly if he keeps "forgetting" to return it.
Sometimes it's best to change something (like moving the tack) than continue to butt heads about it.
Divorce is the pits.
My xah (divorced 25 years ago) got into the house before I had a chance to change the locks and took a bunch of stuff including my albums (he knew that music brought me joy). He did it just to get to me. My response.....nothing. Nada. The really funny thing is that about a year or so ago, he calls me at work out of the blue and tells me he's moving to the East Coast......and that he has a bunch of my albums (that he took 25 years earlier!) and asks if I would like them back!
Isn't life strange.
Sometimes it's best to change something (like moving the tack) than continue to butt heads about it.
Divorce is the pits.
My xah (divorced 25 years ago) got into the house before I had a chance to change the locks and took a bunch of stuff including my albums (he knew that music brought me joy). He did it just to get to me. My response.....nothing. Nada. The really funny thing is that about a year or so ago, he calls me at work out of the blue and tells me he's moving to the East Coast......and that he has a bunch of my albums (that he took 25 years earlier!) and asks if I would like them back!
Isn't life strange.
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