abcdefg

Triciafawn,

Unlike you and LTD, I do NOT believe there is a reason for everything. I say this NOT to contradict either of you (I'm confident that LTD, having so much recovery, already realizes this) but to point out that everyone is different.

Everyone's path is different. Everyone's situation is different. Everyone's beliefs are different. We are all individuals and our recovery is an individual process.

What is NOT different is that alcoholism is a disease and it affects EVERYONE in it's path. It is the only disease that can kill the person who does not have it. We love As. They are sick. We try to help. It doesn't work. We try to help some more. After all, we love them. We really do.

Coming out of denial regarding OUR sick behavior does NOT necessarily mean that we "wake up" and realize we DIDN'T REALLY LOVE THEM (or vice versa). Sometimes that does happen, because we're all pretty screwed up about what REAL love is...sometimes we discover that what we thought was love was not. But not always. I truly, genuinely, deeply, faithfully love MANY of the As in my life, past and present. Others not at all, never did. Still others I THOUGHT I loved and was most mistaken.

Love has nothing to do with alcoholism. Not one thing. Alcoholism wants nothing to do with love. It's a disease that kills. Period.

Frankly, of all the things you've shared (although I thank you for sharing it and hope you will continue), the one that gave me chills was you sitting in the parking lot of the rehab crying, just to be next to him.

You sound like an intelligent woman. I don't really know, of course. I'm only basing it on my impressions of your posts. But what you do NOT have is the WISDOM to know the difference between what you are powerless over and what you can not change. The odds of him getting "real" recovery are slim. But it IS possible. But I will tell you this for sure: the ONLY way you can truly help him is to get honest with yourself and get help.

I know you believe in what you say -- you are not being purposefully deceitful. That's what we call DENIAL. Denial isn't always an obvious choice -- "I REFUSE to see that this man is sick and mistreating me! No, no, he's wonderful! Everything is perfect!" Sure that's one form of it. But another far more insidious form is to tell ourselves explanations of things we really know nothing about.

I was an expert at that.

It sounds to me like you know very little about the disease of alcoholism and addiction and, more to the point, how it affects and distorts your thinking. If you TRY to keep an open mind, you will gain so much from the men & women, spouses and girlfriends, parents and children who have walked this path before you.

Recovery is possible. There is hope. Keep posting, keep sharing.

Barbara52

Absolutely! Consciously or not. I know now I allowed my AH to use me with my unspoken consent until I finally got fed up with being used that way.

triciafawn

I am listening...and reading. and taking it all in. I will get thru this. this is not just a breakup, which is bad enough in and of itself, this is much worse...but the important part is that he is getting the help he needs. yes, I have my own problems. but right now, I care about HIM. and I'm not being allowed to SHOW it to him, and that hurts me very much.

denny57

Why do you care more about him than yourself?

If I care about someone, they know it without me having to show it all the time. Sometimes trusting that has to be enough.

LaTeeDa

For me, being all wrapped up and consumed in him and his problems was a convenient reason not to deal with my own problems.

He is in good hands. He is in the right place to get himself better if he chooses to. Why not take the opportunity to get yourself in a better place so that IF he recovers, you will be healthy along with him?

L

triciafawn

he had gotten worse, in the last week that he was here, at my house. Im sure you all know the symptoms - but he was also having symptoms of renal failure, which he has had before. I was very worried about him. he wasn't eating. I cooked every nite, but he wasn't hungry, so I'd make him a plate. and sometimes he'd eat it the next day or the next. but as of monday when I gave him that final ultimatum, he hadn't eaten in 3 days. he was extremely irritable also. in that last week, we only had about an hour of a "good" relationship together, each day. it really started to scare me. but he wasn't telling me anything was wrong - he was acting like nothing was wrong. but then I found out two days ago that he'd been calling his long time best friend, saying that he was dying and didn't want to upset me or hurt me. we held each other every day, held hands, went to bed together, but he wasn't sleeping much. he was up and down all night/all day. it was driving me crazy. I loved him and couldn't help him. I tried every day to help him, but he was acting like nothing was wrong.

LaTeeDa

So now he is in good hands. Professionals are helping him. What are you going to do for yourself?

L

triciafawn

well, I don't think I can move on, and think about myself, until after I find out where he's going for treatment and for how long. he's supposed to get out of detox today. I hope his mom doesn't cut me out of everything. I really would like to be in contact with him. but I have a feeling he doesn't want to talk to anyone at all right now.

i've already pretty much decided that I need to take a break from relationships for awhile. for a lot of reasons.

I DO have a strong hope that he can fully recover...and he and I can be together again. I wish I knew what he is thinking right now...or even if he IS thinking about me at all. Im trying not to think about how much I miss him and how much I miss what we had - I'm trying to concentrate on thinking that all that matters is that he is getting the help he needs.

LaTeeDa

That's not all that matters. You matter. Are you getting the help you need? Alcoholic relationships are dysfunctional by definition. That means anyone who has ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic has been affected by alcoholism. For me it was my father in my childhood, then my husband in my twenties and thirties.

IF he recovers, and YOU don't, there is no future for your relationship. Alcoholics are attracted to certain personality traits in others, due to the nature of their addiction. Likewise, people with certain personality traits are attracted to alcoholics. If one half of the couple gets well, and the other doesn't, the relationship is doomed. If you really want this relationship to work out, you must do something about the only half of the couple you have any control over--YOU. If he gets sober, then there is a chance it can work out. If he doesn't, you will be much healthier going forward. Either way, a good thing.

JMHO,
L

P.S. I will leave it at that because there are only so many ways I can say the same thing, and because I don't want to feel like I am banging my head against the wall any longer.

FormerDoormat

At some point for me, someone DID say it the right way, and I finally GOT it. Who knows what the magic words will be for this poster or how many explanations it will take, but you've got the magic in you LTD.

LaTeeDa

In my case it was less about magic words and more about being ready to hear them.

It's all good!

L

triciafawn

*big breath* I am going to take the first step by going to an AA meeting tonight.

atalose

The codependent type of behavior is an attempt to overcome the core belief that we are unworthy and unlovable by working real hard to earn love from another. The more a classic codependent feels they are being abandoned the harder they work.

His going to detox then rehab is leaving you feeling abandoned and your mind and emotions are in codie overdrive.

Your focusing on your needs and wants for him to validate your feelings of being wanted and needed by him. You seem to have fallen in love too quickly. You ignored all the red flags in the beginning of this short lived relationship.

Your desire, your need to be in contact with his mother about his recovery seems to be about your needs and wants of getting in contact with him. You seem to need to know if he is missing you which again is all about your needs and wants which stems from codependent behavior.

You said you are not being allowed to show him you care about him. Don’t you think he knows that? Do you feel that if he knew that something would be different, something would change him by him hearing you say those words or are you hoping by you telling him it will change something?

Let him work on him while you work on you and if some where down the road you both are in healthier places maybe becoming friends would work. But for you right now being in love with him remaining his “friend” isn’t healthy it’s your hook on holding onto your dreams of what you thought or wished you had with this man.

History doesn’t repeat itself, people repeat history. His history is filled with addiction and relapse. Maybe you should try al-anon, read the suggested book on codependency and work on your issues with your therapist.


I am not trying to be mean, only trying to save you many steps in the wrong direction I took myself before understanding my own codependence.

Al-anon would be the type of meeting you need to attend not AA......

triciafawn

oh! I didn't realize there was a difference. (see how much I DON'T know about this?) I just looked it up. Ok, so I'm going to an al anon meeting tonight, not aa. thank you for that.

edit: and by the way, I know I'm co-dependent. I'm a strong-willed woman, but I admit I am emotionally co-dependent.

by the way, I know I've only known this man for 4 months, but for the past 2 months, we've been together almost 24/7. that's alot of hours together.

prodigal

And perhaps you will discover that spending so much time together isn't necessarily a healthy thing ...

Barbara52

Speaking from my experience, feeling too much too fast for anyone is always a red flag. Its infatuation with an idea not love based in reality from where I sit looking back.

It might be a good idea to take this time to slow down, breathe and take an long honest look at yourself, what was happening between the 2 of you and what you really want in your life. Put all concerns for him aside since he is where he needs to be and will contact you when/if he is ready. Focus on yourself and your happiness.

triciafawn

• I've been to two Al Anon meetings so far and plan to make it a part of my life.
• I started going back to church, as I'd been away from going for awhile. I plan to keep going.
• I have talked to his best friend today and he gave me a great update on him. He's staying at his house until monday and then he's going to a treatment facility for 3 months and then will be taking it from there, depending on how things go there. He's still not feeling good from the detox, he's weak and just kind of puttering around. But he's okay, and I am thankful for that. He's back on an anti-depressant and is also taking some sedatives.

He still hasn't contacted me, but he knows that I've been calling his mom and his best friend, getting updates on him. He has told his best friend that he isn't ready to talk to me yet. I know what that means and I'm not taking it personally. It means he is very embarrassed and ashamed because of what he was doing to me in the last days before he made the decision to go to detox. The ultimatum I gave him that I was no longer going to buy the alcohol, that he was no longer going to live in my house and that my son was no longer going to see him drink all day - maybe that's what did it, but I'm also thinking that he knew I was his last resort to drink, that getting help was the only thing left to do, unless he wanted to die or be out on the street, because trust me, no one else in his life would have taken him in because he was drinking because they had all been thru it with him before. His last days with me were full of lies and I know that's what he's going to have trouble apologizing for.

I know he's checking his email while at his best friends house. I've sent him an email, and I'm pretty sure he's read it. Nothing too deep, just that I care about him and that I am happy he has made the decision of sobriety, and that I am here when needs me, as a friend. I know he is not ready to talk to me, but I feel sure he will in the coming months - I don't know why he wouldn't - I know he's not mad at me, he knows what I did was the right thing to do.

I DO miss him so much and I know that's something I have to deal with. And I am dealing with it, and it is SO hard. Yes, we'd been spending way too much time together, but that's only because he moved in with me when his utilities were getting shut off at his house. It's not something I WANTED to happen, it was something I did, to CARE for him, and if I realized then what was really happening, then I wouldn't have done it. I would have created that boundary and stuck with it, but I had no clue it was just giving him one more day, then another day, and so on, to drink.

One more thing I'd like all of you to know - and you will see the irony in this - the job that he lost in January - it was as a SUBSTANCE ABUSE COUNSELOR for adolescents at a state-funded rehab hospital. He's good at his job - he was taking his experience with addictions and helping teenagers - however, the irony in it is that he couldn't help HIMSELF, much less the teenagers he was counseling :-( He was even performing interventions, with the latest one being in January even.

So, having said that, you might see now why I trusted him, why I believed in him so much, why I had so much faith in him that he could actually take what he teaches and lick this disease. That's why I kept performing my own little interventions on him - and finally one worked! He knows and has been thru everything that recovery is all about - he just needs to apply it to his life once and for all and stick to what the program teaches.

I am working on ME....don't worry....I am planning on getting that book that has been suggested to me this week. But I have a strong love and a strong caring for my boyfriend, which I am now going to call my "friend"......

ToughChoices

Slowly, slowly, slowly we realize what it is that we need in this world.

This is a long journey. Still, there are many here who have walked a similar path and can now look back with a peaceful appreciation for the strange and painful events that have made them who they are.

My husband is an alcoholic. I thought that loving him more than anything was a precious and wonderful gift. I was wrong. It devalued me and left me empty.

I am glad to see that you are setting out in a positive direction. Keep your eyes open for glimpses of yourself - I know it doesn't feel like it, but this is an exciting time.

mazey

READ read read....and believe it! So many of us felt it could be different. Time outs help alot, sometimes they correct the problem, if not....live for YOU. It is a huge dilemna. Especially, when we love and are so devoted/addicted. Al-anon is the best. Listen and learn. He knows you care......never doubt that. BUT, you care about YOU too! Right?

Barbara52

So, now you know he's going into treatment and for how long.

What are you plans for you at this point?