justanothrdrunk

Just wanted to share... get out some frustrations. A lesson in following directions - self-will run riot.

I have a friend I met in treatment. She's a mother of 2, mid 40s. "Typical" alcoholic, multiple treatments, a couple run-ins with the law, lost her job, husband is divorcing her. She's also very smart (too smart for her own good). She has a PHd, etc.

She was a model alcoholic in recovery while in treatment. Worked hard, did all her homework, etc. She was released the same day I was. This was a 5 month treatment by the way.

We both move into different sober living joints. But then she decides to move out almost immediately and into an apartment shared with a man who was also in treatment with us (platonic relationship). She said that she didn't like the sober house, they were too restrictive about her spending several weeks away visitng her family in another state. In addition, all this visiting she was doing was not recommended by her counselors, sponsor, friends, etc. Too soon, not a supportive home/family situation... In my opinion she was being selfish, wanting to see her kids (which I can understand). Her kids did not "need" her at the time and her soon to be ex-husband did not want her visiting right then.

Plus, the guy she moved in with was in full relapse mode. He had been kicked out of his sober house for using. He had been in and out of the hospital recently for opiate abuse. Again, everyone said this was a really bad move on her part. But she didn't listen.

So this guy has another bad relapse and ends up in the hospital again, only days after she moved in. She moves out right away (which was a good idea) but gets her own apartment. In the meantime she had gone home and relapsed while there, further alienating herself from her family. She gets back, gets this new apartment by herself, and goes into full relapse mode. She is hospitalized once, brought to county detox a couple times, etc.

She agrees to go into treatment again. Different rehab place, 30 day program. Some of us help her get there. Again, model stay in treatment, works hard, etc. She just got out again last week. Recommendations are for a halfway house for at least six months, followed by sober living for several months.

She does none of this. Instead, she moves in with a different guy we know from treatment who has his own place. His recovery is going well, but we suspect there may be a budding (if not blossoming) romantic relationship between the two. And once again, she's talking about making a trip home.

So some multual friends and I were out having a bite the other night and discussing the situation. I said that she wouldn't last to the end of April before relapsing again and would probably be dead by the end of the year. My friends got somewhat upset, accusing me of not supporting her, yadda, yadda...

If she wants help moving into a halfway house or sober living situation, I'm there. If she needs a ride to a meeting, I'm there. But if she wants someone to pat her on the back and say "good job" for doing nothing but making bad decisions against everyone's advice (professional advice), she'll get no support from me.

I don't wish her to relapse or die, but I'm not going to sugar coat the situation and lie about how I feel. She is in real serious trouble here.

She is doing the exact same things, again. Not following directions, not listening to her counselors, sponsor, friends... She is doing what she wants, not what she needs. The net result of this is too obvious to require elaboration.

Barbara52

Sounds like the best way for you to handle it all to me. She has to make her recovery happen. She doesn't appear to really want it yet.

denny57

I keep the focus on me. Life is easier that way. It also allows another adult the dignity to lead their own life as they see fit.

Mair

Take care of you and your recovery. She will only do what she wants no matter what you tell her.

Mair x

atalose

I think once your sugar coating friends learn the difference between enabling and support they won’t be so judgmental of you.

Enabling comes in all forms and I see it more and more at meetings. Someone shares and then get there feelings validated by others siding with them. That leaves opposition for recovery.

Support comes in all forms too but it’s that tough/real honest hardcore truth that many don’t want to hear let alone deal with for any kind of recovery.

CatsPajamas

It's sad, but true. Even a PhD doesn't mean a person is smarter than addiction. I am continually amazed at how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction is. It's stronger than any degree, stronger than any well meaning relative, stronger than any suggestion, order, demand, plea... it's stronger than money, stronger than a mother's love...addiction is stronger than anything I can think of to stop it.

Thank god for programs of recovery. For them AND for me. Hopefully your friend will finish her research soon and will return to a place of recovery. In the meantime, please take care of YOU.

Hugs
Cats

Shivaya

Thanks for sharing with us. Great advice for anyone, really....just follow the directions...... I can use this advice in helping my 4th grader with homework!

Simple stuff!

Wishing you the best in your continued recovery and for your friend as well.

Shivaya

Spiritual Seeker

Remember we can only keep "our side of the street" clean.
We only need to be concerned with what is in our own "hoola-hoop"
I have a saying posted to my fridge: "choose to live in Gratitude and Joy"
Justanotherdrunk, you imply that you are sober today. Way to go. That is something to
be grateful for.
It has to be frustrating watching someone you care about relapse.
Addiction is cunning.
So happy that you are putting your tools to prevent relapse to work.

miavin2

Though I mean well...I have already in the short time Iv been coming here ...found out that you cant really address someone directly with suggestions appearing anything like tough love...without being labeled a " mean person "
and " not helpful and supportive"...

you really have to treat everyone with Kid gloves...and sugar coat everything with lots of re-assurance and lovey doveys and its OK's...or you end up looking like a heel...

whatevs ...its frustrating... cuz tough love is what saved my life.

peace and respect,

miavin2

Done_With_It

That's funny, because I got a little of both.

Maybe you should think about speaking in terms of your own experience instead of such a broad term as everyone. My experience was not being treated with kid gloves and everyone 'sugar coating' everything, maybe giving SR a little longer than a month would broaden your views.



Good luck to you.


:bounce

Barbara52

That's not been my experinece in here. I have a number of times been rather harsh with people. I try to not be but I have been occassionally. Personally, I think tough love can be done with respect and is generally accepted when done that way. Not necessarily liked but accepted by many.

FormerDoormat

It's not my place to tell others what to think. I found the "kid glove" treatment much less helpful than the more direct approach. But sometimes, depending on my frame of mind, a softer touch was just what I needed. The more time I spend on SR, the more I realize there's room for both types of support and all types of sharing.

Done_With_It

I Did Not say it was Your Place FD.

LucyA

There is a bit of tough love here, with the emphasis on the 'love'.
No one judges or criticises anyone else. When I first came here I definately needed a bit of tough love, the kind that comes from people who've been there before me.
The sugar coating, well, some may call it that, here I see nothing but positive mental attitude, encouragement and compassion.

I don't work a programme, I don't go to al-anon, I come here, it works for me. Maybe it's not everyones cup of tea though.

splendra

I have a niece like your friend. She has been in treatment so many times. She is really stubborn and pigg headed. She has Hep C has lost her kids tries to bum off of other people. SHe actually thinks she is smarter than everyone else. Well maybe your friend isn't quite as bad as my relative but, something about your story reminded me of my niece. She is beautiful and smart but she puts being and druggie and a drunk ahead of everything. I choose to love this person from a distance.

denny57

That's why any kind of love isn't about the other person, it's about me. I can decide how many "tough love" attempts I want to make. BTW, I despise that term. :-)

CAPTAINZING2000

Far too often we have to inflict a lot of pain on ourselves or, stand by and watch someone's lives unravel.

I've often wondered at the people that go thru the revolving door of AA what's it going to take for you to get this?

Back in the sick part of our minds, we have this distorted thought that, next time it'll be different !

Lucky are the ones that hit a bottom and quit digging themselves in deeper.

CatsPajamas

I find the most help when others share their experience, strength and hope with me. I have been known to get fairly defensive if someone tells me what I should do, especially if I am feeling raw or vulnerable.

On the other hand, if that same person shares his/her experience, strength and hope with me, I can receive it better. I can take what I like and leave the rest...

Cats

good_luck

Holy cow, I wish!

:rof

Just kidding, toughies!

miavin2

thanx everyone.

good post justanotherdrunk