newbie25

I don't know where to start but will try to make this as succinct as possible. 11 years ago I dated a guy who was addicted to opiates. I had no idea and we broke up so he could get through recovery on his own. He never joined a program, only tried cold turkey. I remained a part of his life and over the years we were each others greatest support. I was there through all the highs and lows, as he was for me. I always had strong feelings, to put it mildly, for him but shoved them down because there never seemed to be an opportunity to have a relationship. What I never knew was that he felt the exact same way and never said how hard it was for him to be around me and not with me because he didn't know what I felt. He dabbled throughout the years and in the past year his addiction got out of control. He has committed himself to the process of recovery and from what I've read has been going through all the ups and downs of recovery. He finally is experiencing the emotions that he suppressed for so long and came clean to me about everything, the drugs, his feelings for me, everything. It was like a dream come thrue to find out that your first love, the person you've cared so deeply for for 11 years had always felt the same way. The problem is he is new to recovery. His sponsor and AA confidants are telling him that he cannot make major changes for a year. I know that is stated in the Big Book and I support him regardless of my feelings, I want him to be successful. It is increasing becoming harder though for the both of us. I don't want him to slip over this. What can I do ?? Is it considered 'new' if it has persisted (feelings-wise) for 11 years?? I know it is ridiculous to jump into anything too serious like a fulltime serious relationship (living together etc.). But what is the wisest path? Has anyone been through anything like this?? any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barbara52

If you've waited 11 years, you can wait a while longer to find out if he is going to be serious in his recovery. Otherwise you risk entanglements with an active addict that no one needs.

best

As was posted above me... wait some time to know if his recovery is solid, (the suggested year is good) so you know what you are getting into.
What will you be getting into?
His recovery needs come first so you would need be second. Over time a better balance will come out of his recovery if he is working his recovery right.
You would be seeking a relationship that you already know can come with problems if he relapses and returns to his old ways... Are you ready for that or willing to accept that on a daily bases?
It can work and it could also fall apart...his recovery coming first and how solid it becomes would be the place hope would come from.
You need ask yourself what you are willing to accept into your life?
The possible ups and downs of his past if he relapses could be a reality.
The possible solid recovery and a life long friendship bond if he holds to his recovery could also be.
What are you willing to accept?

Bernadette

Hey newbie--
You asked what is the wisest path? Hard, hard question that only you can answer!!!

I guess I agree with Barbara- I mean why are you sounding so rushed now, on this day, in this moment?

If this is going to be a sterling relationship then it can survive the patience that is probably needed while your partner gets his act together.

It's a pretty BIG deal for him to have found recovery after 11+ years of abusing drugs and there will be things about being in a relationship w/ a recovered addict that will require heaps of self-discipline from you. Like, keeping the focus on yourself, not behaving in co-dependent ways, etc.

Something you said right here is a classic codie remark:
"I don't want him to slip over this."

It seems like a natural harmless thing to think or feel. It's how I thought until someone taught me: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it! And man, it took a LONG time till I actually believed that enough to LIVE it!!

Maybe read some of the stickies at the tops of these pages and scroll through some of the older posts - there's tons of stuff from women in your shoes. Have you tried AlAnon/Naranon? Lots of help and info there.

I don't say any of this to discourage you - but getting involved with a man in recovery you will be a better partner and better to yourself if you seriously educate yourself about addiction/codependency/recovery..

I hope it all works out for you guys - a healthy loving relationship can be one of the peak experiences of life!
Peace,
B.