He's still so controlling, am I doing the right thing?
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
He's still so controlling, am I doing the right thing?
Well I posted last week about going to see my abf Chris in jail only to meet resistance from his mom. I wrote him a letter last week saying that I feel it would be best for me not to visit until his mom has come to terms with the fact that we are going to be together, 1) so that we can coordinate visits and I don't waste a trip/arrange for my son to be watched for nothing and 2) because I don't think it does my recovery any good to have her being rude to me.
Well I received a letter from him in response to mine, needless to say he wasn't very happy about that. I could tell that he was hurt, but I swear all he heard was that I wouldn't come and visit, it's like he blocked the rest of the 2 page letter out of his mind. And he said that his mom works during the day so that if I visit at lunchtime I will be able to get right in and she won't be there. So I agreed, and went to see him yesterday.
Well yesterday at work a friend of mine (probably the most Christian friend that I have) invited me to go bowling in celebration of her birthday Saturday night. It is at a bowling alley where there is a bar, and it will be from 10:00 to 1:00 in the morning. They call it the "glow-bowl", they turn on the blacklights and play music, a good time. There will be other people going (of course) but I don't know who, but I do know her husband is going. Therefore, I assume other couples, too.
So the visit starts out ok, except Chris asked what my plans for the weekend are. So I tell him about the bowling. He says that if I go bowling not to plan on coming to visit him, not in so many words, but threatening me that if I go he is done with me. So I tell him that I am going by myself, and that I won't be drinking and won't even go to the bar part (and I meant it) and of all my friends he should feel really good about me going with her, etc. So I told him that I'm going, and that I was sorry he didn't have faith or trust in me but that I love him and am trying to be a woman of God it hurts me that he can't see that and believe in me.
I mean I can understand where he is coming from, because I can be jealous/insecure, too. But I have totally reassured him in every way possible that I am here for him, and last summer when he was at the probation center I passed up a weekend rafting trip with a really good friend of mine because he didn't want me to go. Then when he got out he drank anyway and took off on me all the time, for days at a time. I promised not to go the bar the entire time he was in there, only to have him get out and go to the bar.
If I thought that me not going would change the outcome in anyway, as far as us working out or him staying sober, I wouldn't go. But I know that it won't, and if I don't go, it will be something else that I can't do or am doing wrong.
Of course the codependent part of me is fearing that if I go, he will reject me (silly, I know), but the part of me that is recovering knows that I need to go and have a good time with friends.
It kind of feels like he is slipping as far as recovery. His whole attitude yesterday wasn't like it has been as far as recovery, he was grouchy and negative. I know that there is nothing I can do to change that...is there anything I can do differently to support him better? Anything I can say differently?
Well I received a letter from him in response to mine, needless to say he wasn't very happy about that. I could tell that he was hurt, but I swear all he heard was that I wouldn't come and visit, it's like he blocked the rest of the 2 page letter out of his mind. And he said that his mom works during the day so that if I visit at lunchtime I will be able to get right in and she won't be there. So I agreed, and went to see him yesterday.
Well yesterday at work a friend of mine (probably the most Christian friend that I have) invited me to go bowling in celebration of her birthday Saturday night. It is at a bowling alley where there is a bar, and it will be from 10:00 to 1:00 in the morning. They call it the "glow-bowl", they turn on the blacklights and play music, a good time. There will be other people going (of course) but I don't know who, but I do know her husband is going. Therefore, I assume other couples, too.
So the visit starts out ok, except Chris asked what my plans for the weekend are. So I tell him about the bowling. He says that if I go bowling not to plan on coming to visit him, not in so many words, but threatening me that if I go he is done with me. So I tell him that I am going by myself, and that I won't be drinking and won't even go to the bar part (and I meant it) and of all my friends he should feel really good about me going with her, etc. So I told him that I'm going, and that I was sorry he didn't have faith or trust in me but that I love him and am trying to be a woman of God it hurts me that he can't see that and believe in me.
I mean I can understand where he is coming from, because I can be jealous/insecure, too. But I have totally reassured him in every way possible that I am here for him, and last summer when he was at the probation center I passed up a weekend rafting trip with a really good friend of mine because he didn't want me to go. Then when he got out he drank anyway and took off on me all the time, for days at a time. I promised not to go the bar the entire time he was in there, only to have him get out and go to the bar.
If I thought that me not going would change the outcome in anyway, as far as us working out or him staying sober, I wouldn't go. But I know that it won't, and if I don't go, it will be something else that I can't do or am doing wrong.
Of course the codependent part of me is fearing that if I go, he will reject me (silly, I know), but the part of me that is recovering knows that I need to go and have a good time with friends.
It kind of feels like he is slipping as far as recovery. His whole attitude yesterday wasn't like it has been as far as recovery, he was grouchy and negative. I know that there is nothing I can do to change that...is there anything I can do differently to support him better? Anything I can say differently?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
SOconfused:
You are so on the right track. Good for you girl!! He is in jail suffering the consequences of some illegal behavior and he is challenging you for wanting to live your life? You should follow through with your plans and go bowling. Yes, you can feel fear but deep down you know what is right. Oftentimes the difficult or painful situations are where we grow the most. Consider this a valuable growth opportunity for you.
You are so on the right track. Good for you girl!! He is in jail suffering the consequences of some illegal behavior and he is challenging you for wanting to live your life? You should follow through with your plans and go bowling. Yes, you can feel fear but deep down you know what is right. Oftentimes the difficult or painful situations are where we grow the most. Consider this a valuable growth opportunity for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
is there anything I can do differently to support him better? Anything I can say differently?
His moods are not up to you. You will wear yourself out trying to make another person happy. Try not to carry the burden of needing to take care of his feelings. Perhaps it is approproiate that he actually feel cruddy for a while. That's when he might look at himself some.
His moods are not up to you. You will wear yourself out trying to make another person happy. Try not to carry the burden of needing to take care of his feelings. Perhaps it is approproiate that he actually feel cruddy for a while. That's when he might look at himself some.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
...is there anything I can do differently to support him better? Anything I can say differently?
“The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.''
In the sacrement of forgiveness I believe it says that the first part of forgiveness is for one to admit for doing wrong and to seek forgiveness, as in this parable. has your A looked for forgiveness in you? Do you believe he is repentant of his wrong doings?
I do not mean to question your beliefs, only to question your focus, which seems to be on him, and his feelings, and less on your own.
Blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
What you can do differently is worry about YOURSELF. He is in jail as a result of his own actions. Why should you put YOUR life on hold?
He can't leave you while he is in jail because he's already gone. And if you aren't an alcoholic, why not have a drink if you want?
My xabf tried to tell me he would not stop drinking unless I vowed never to have a drink again (I drink MAYBE a glass of wine a month). I told him no. I would not drink around him, but I would not stop living my life FOR him either.
Think of yourself here. Let this A think about why he is there and what he should do to control HIS OWN life.
He can't leave you while he is in jail because he's already gone. And if you aren't an alcoholic, why not have a drink if you want?
My xabf tried to tell me he would not stop drinking unless I vowed never to have a drink again (I drink MAYBE a glass of wine a month). I told him no. I would not drink around him, but I would not stop living my life FOR him either.
Think of yourself here. Let this A think about why he is there and what he should do to control HIS OWN life.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
What are you getting out of this relationship again?
Of course, his addiction tends to get in the way of all of that, as well as my addiction to him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Your best friend would not force you to cut people out of your life, or force you to live by his rules.
My best friend is honest, caring, considerate, and wants me to live life to the fullest. You have an alcoholic enemy, not a best friend.
My best friend is honest, caring, considerate, and wants me to live life to the fullest. You have an alcoholic enemy, not a best friend.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
He is trying to manipulate and yes control you. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Like LTD said, what are you getting out of this relationship with this man?
He is in jail for abusing you, and yet you visit him in jail? For what? So he can continue controling and manipulating your life through a glass window?
He will only see what he wants to see within the letter you wrote him. He is still an active alcoholic and nothing has changed with him at all.
The cycle with continue to repeat itself unless something changes. Maybe this will begin with you focusing on yourself.
He is in jail for abusing you, and yet you visit him in jail? For what? So he can continue controling and manipulating your life through a glass window?
He will only see what he wants to see within the letter you wrote him. He is still an active alcoholic and nothing has changed with him at all.
The cycle with continue to repeat itself unless something changes. Maybe this will begin with you focusing on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
Chris really is my best friend, he is affectionate, warm, hard working, has a big heart. He is a good listener. When Chris and I work together not only on ourselves but on the relationship, we really bring out the best in each other.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Windsor NY
Posts: 24
So controlling
You cannot live your life for someone else. No one should be controlling your life except you. He's probably angry because he's locked up and you're not. The last thing is: I don't think he'd be any great loss. So go bowling!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
has your A looked for forgiveness in you? Do you believe he is repentant of his wrong doings?
And I do realize that I am focusing a lot of him right now, which I think is the reason for my post...maybe to shift my focus and bring me back to reality again.
However, I know that I have made progress, because almost a year ago at this time, I would just not go to please him. This time, I am going despite the fact that he may reject me or be angry with me. I am still going.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
Up until yesterday, I saw a real change in Chris,
Example: he says he's changed and found God, etc, etc, etc. Yet, his actions are to manipulate and control you--even from behind bars.
You can choose to believe his words if you want, but you will continue to get what you've always gotten. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want "this time" to actually be different, do something different.
Have fun bowling.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
Chris really is my best friend, he is affectionate, warm, hard working, has a big heart. He is a good listener. When Chris and I work together not only on ourselves but on the relationship, we really bring out the best in each other.
Of course, his addiction tends to get in the way of all of that, as well as my addiction to him.
Of course, his addiction tends to get in the way of all of that, as well as my addiction to him.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Thank you all so much for some very powerful (and to most, probably very obvious) responses. I got a good giggle out of a few of them, because of the way they were worded it it all seemed so ridiculous, then I realized it's no laughing matter because it really is ridiculous.
But it really has put me at a lot better mindset for today, and I am very thankful.
But it really has put me at a lot better mindset for today, and I am very thankful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
but the part of me that is recovering knows that I need to go and have a good time with friends.
I love to bowl. I'd go and have a good time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
:wtf2
Some jerk in jail is telling you not to go bowling.....and you're actually considering this as a legitimate feeling? I beg you to dump this loser and love yourself. Please. Whatever it takes. Work on you.
Some jerk in jail is telling you not to go bowling.....and you're actually considering this as a legitimate feeling? I beg you to dump this loser and love yourself. Please. Whatever it takes. Work on you.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Recovery is all or nothing, not a part of me. It's the same for the addict. It's like saying, part of me is recovering - I didn't drink TODAY.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
my point is, his decisions, his actions, the choices HE made on how to conduct HIS life landed him in JAIL. instead of showing any humility for screwing up, instead of displaying ANY gratitude that you did come to visit him, that you are still willing to be a part of his life, he continues to try and control and manipulate your every move.
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