Angelus

Hey, I mentioned last month how one of my alcoholic friends, a woman I was seeing every weekend, blacked out, made out with and possibly hooked up with one of my closest friends, (who has the same first name as me).

I was jealous and told her how I felt, and she was coldly dismissive. I stopped seeing her (without a confrontation) but found myself missing her (I know, lord knows why). So we started talking again.


The other night I was text messaging her, and sure enough she was trashed in some NJ dive. As we kept texting she was saying things that made no sense, and then it hit me: SHE THINKS SHE'S TALKING TO HIM!

I flipped. Turns out she did think she was talking to the other guy. She texted me to apologize and then kept calling, but I never answered. All I can say is I was so depressed and sickened by this that I'm physically nauseus and shaking with anger.

So that's how I feel right now. Whether I should or shouldn't I don't know, but that's my reaction.

I can't believe I'm jealous of and hurt by two people so sickening and bad for me.

justjo

Hi Angelus,
Not nice having to go through this. This is part of the addiction. Try to cut your lossess and move on, its not worth the pain.
My as does the same. Wouldnt remember a conversation 2 hrs ago.

sailorjohn

Been there, done that. To demonstrate how truly lost I was, someone else had to point out to me that a relationship where the majority of communication was via text messaging couldn't have been much of a relationship, as was the case with mine. And I stayed in this relationship for 17 months, so don't kick yourself.

NYC_Chick

Sorry for your pain Angelus. I think codies always expect the best in people, then we are shocked to find that the people we trusted are just as bad as those who have hurt us in the past. It's a bummer and I don't know when it gets better, but hopefully is does sooner rather than later.

prodigal

Yes, the Lord probably knows why you started missing her and seeing her again. The most important thing you can do to get past this is to figure out for YOURSELF why you started missing a woman who is getting trashed in dives and who possibly hooked up with your friend. Hey, if she's getting drunk and hanging in dumpy bars, she may be "hooking up" with lots of guys.

Apparently you and your friend with the same name are interchangeable for her. Your feelings have been disregarded and disrespected. Of course you feel hurt. But consider who you are allowing to hurt you. And jealous? WHY??? And jealous of what?
Walk away from this mess for good NOW.

Kindeyes

I know that you are hurt and angry right now but quite honestly, IMHO, you dodged a bullet.....and I'm guessing you know that already.

I always have to remind myself that when I get angry or hurt, I am giving those people power over my emotional state. It's taken me a really long time to get a handle on that concept. When I think of it in those terms though, it's much easier for me not to allow myself to be upset. I'm stubborn enough not to want to give someone else "the power".

gentle hugs

FormerDoormat

It's no longer important to me to understand an alcoholic's behavior. But it's important to me to understand why I'm attracted to people who care so little about me.

Angelus

Thanks for this...honestly I wanna tattoo this backwards on my forehead and stare at it in the mirror for days.

That said, I remain stunned that I'm so sad about this. My brother says it's because of the amount of time I spent with her, even if it was mostly lousy. As an ACOA and codependent, I tended to look at awful abusive company as better than none at all. Rationally I know better, but that tendency still creeps up on me.

Angelus

We're supposed to go to a few concerts this summer and it breaks my heart to tell her I'm not going. (I know.. )

wondering if I should fulfill these "contractual obligations" or make a clean break now

Barbara52

Make a clean break now! Why prolong your pain?

NYC_Chick

Run. Now!

lexusgirl

The longer the relationship goes on the harder it is to do the whole break up thing.

Why would you want to stay with someone that is hooking up with other men as well as your friend, doesn't care about you, and is in active addiction?

Nothing changes unless someone changes..

Run as fast as you can and don't look back!

Angelus

Thanks guys...

Looking back, this relationship was actually a "replacement" for another one, with a very needy girl who wasn't an active alcoholic, but used me and treated me like crap, then left. I was vulnerable and looking to fill the space, and I fell into yet another trap.

Barbara52

Perhaps its time to take a break from relationships and work at understanding yourself better.

Angelus

Hmm, ya think?

Thanks Barbara I can see how important that is, otherwise I'll just walk into the same situation again. One step I'm taking is a vigorous Yoga practice, which I highly recommend

FormerDoormat

I'm taking a vigorous look at who I was, what got me into the mess that landed me here at SR, what steps I can take to avoid making the same mistakes in the future, who I am now, and who I want to be, which I highly recommend.

Yoga is a good thing. Self discovery is better.

Mair

I agree with FD, self discovery is so so important. Walk away now, dealing with an alcoholic can last for years the longer you stay the harder it is to walk away. I read co dependant no more by Melonie Beatty and hopefully the insight that i have gained will help me gain self respect, and make healthier choices.

Mair x

denny57

I hear it all the time about an alcoholic - needing to really feel the pain before choosing recovery. That's what happened to me - the pain was so bad I decided to get help.

I can't tell you to "run." Maybe it's your path.

The alcoholic in my life also took up yoga. He's still drinking.

Angelus

Yup. I can think of two A friends who are always "I'm gonna go to AA, work out, stop drugs, stop smoking, etc." That lasts about 10 minutes.

denny57

I was talking about myself (I'm not an alcoholic).