faith12

I get tired of this as it seems to happen daily in my relationship with my AW. We can argue and one thing I said will be used as the most terrible thing in the world. The list of things she said or did is ten times as long and worse. Then she tells me I'm the most horrible person in the world and treats me terribly for an entire day. I seem to end up apologizing for what I said and then what she has done seems to get washed away. I'd be lying if I didn't get angry with her and say thigns I didn't mean. I do and I feel bad that I let myself get to that place but I often do and then the typical situation arises. She's in recovery and failing with it badly. I try to tell her how to recover though and I know I shouldn't. Its one of our many arguments. Anybody have any coping techniques or advice?

keepingmyjoy

Hi faith12. My AH did much of the same. We are currently separated. However, it is really fresh in my mind the things you are going through. It still happens even though we are separated! (We have child together, so still have to have some contact)

The best thing I did for myself when I was in your shoes was to read the stickies and posts here, learn what codependence is (there are many books out there). Many here will tell you to try Alanon--there is a lot of support there. Learn about detaching with love...

And, one last thing that I had to do for myself is to remember that it is okay to take care of myself, that my feelings were something I should listen to, and forgive myself when I make mistakes....

I am sure more will be here to share...sometimes Sunday night is a bit slower....

abcdefg

Hi, faith.

Welcome to SR.

I really relate to your description of the fights. What you describe is textbook alcoholic behavior. There are many traits of the disease that can be recognized but it takes some education about the facts of the disease.

Al-anon has been life-saving for me. There is so much information available there.

If you can find a meeting, I recommend buying a blue book called "How Al-anon Works." The first few chapters are jaw dropping.

One of the things I learned in Al-anon is that it's pointless to fight with an alcoholic. I will never win that fight.

That doesn't mean I have to stand there and absorb unacceptable behavior. It just means there are other (better) ways to protect myself from someone else's raging dis-ease.

There are many tactics and choices and behaviors to choose from. What works for some doesn't work for others. That's why we choose for ourselves what to do in our own situations.

As for me, I learned to stop defending myself in the face of insane accusations. First I had to learn that those accusations were just a smokescreen to draw attention away from the REAL issue: alcoholism. I'd get so wrapped up in saying, "That is NOT what I just said," that it would become the entire focus. When the whole thing was really about his inability to keep his word because of his disease. Once I realized that the yelling was a smokescreen, I basically dropped the rope in the tug-of-war.

It's a very freeing feeling to not be tossed around (emotionally or literally) by another's insanity. Just because someone says something about me doesn't mean it's true.

prodigal

Faith, if you want peace in your life, I'd suggest you stop telling your AW how to handle (or not handle) her own recovery. It appears that your suggestions are being met with hostility.

I personally get my buttons pushed when somebody else starts giving me advice about how to run my life. Particularly when I didn't ask for their advice. Most of us don't care to have anyone tell us how to live or what to do if we didn't ask for their input.

I'm sure you mean well, but if you want relative peace and quiet it would serve you well to just bite your tongue. After all, you really have no control over what your AW chooses to do.

steve11694

Something a recovering A told me to deal with my AW blaming me;

for each finger of blame an alcoholic points, 9 fingers point back at him/her

faith12

Actually I don't know if I mean well or not honestly. But after my AW destroyed so much of our life its really hard not to give advice. Especially when you're the only one working, taking care of maintaining our lives and going to meetings and doing his work through Al-Anon. My AW went to rehab promised to get sober, go to AA, excercise, get a job, work a 12-step, get a sponsor, etc. She's done none of these things. Tonight I came home to her passed out in bed in her own urine after I came home from a hard day at work. Really feels like I'm the only one doing their recovery you know? I really don't feel very much like not "telling her what to do." Although tonight I didn't say anything as she came around and I talked to her briefly. I just left her there and resisted the urge to fight. She cleaned up the bed, told me I was an a-hole and then went back to bed. I would love to "tell her what to do" right now but I'm not.

prodigal

Perhaps you should take care of maintaining your own life and leave her to face the consequences of not maintaining her's.

Did you set any boundaries as to what you would do if she did not keep any of her promises? It sounds as if, again, there are no consequences here. Whether she cleans up her act or not, she has a place to live and somebody to support her. And apparently she can get drunk. With no repercussions.

That's because you ARE the only one in recovery.

Barbara52

faith12, nothing is going to change until you decide to change. She is responsible for her choices and messes. You are responsibly for your choices and messes.

What do you want for yourself? Not for her, for you?

When I accepted that my AH was content with his life as an unemployed man who had a enabler to allow him to continue drinking to his heart's content without consequence, I decided I had to leave for myself. I could not wait any longer for him to realize he needed to stop drinking, get a job, etc. I need my life to become more peaceful and to start showing myself the respect I deserve. Its now 8+ months later and I am happy with my life. He is still where he was. His choice.

aztchr

I was manipulated because I allowed it to happen.
Then I got help and learned how to stop letting someone else dictate how to live my life.

really_fed_up

Hi...alcoholics are classic manipulators. Read Addict in the Family by Beverly Conyers...it is a great resource.

x02034

Just rolled out of bed and up to the computer after my AW in recovery told me that she is uncomfortable with my "threat" to leave her if she starts drinking again, so this set of comments really hits home.

I set my "boundary" (and mean it) after her third trip to rehab (which she just left about a month ago,) and now am getting the cold shoulder because of it. We haven't had an intimate relationship in about a month, so she openly admitted that she's been distant because of my boundary.

I have no idea how to respond to this situation, but am so tired of living together this way. I love her deeply and she says that she loves me, but I haven't felt loved in a while now.

Thoughts?

abcdefg

There is a great line from the Al-anon brochure "Three Views". It's from "A letter from the Alcoholic":

Don't make empty threats. Once you make a decision, stick to it...Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you in anyway. Love cannot exist for long without a measure of justice.

It's my experience that sometimes I have to get some distance (emotionally or physically) in order to feel the love I have for another. Especially when there has been hurt, broken trust, accusations, manipulations, etc. I ended my 3 1/2 yr relationship with SAB two weeks ago -- I love him (enough to want to be with him permanently) but even without active drinking, the ISM can take over. I wasn't getting what I needed. Since I let go, my resentments have lifted and I am grateful for what I had with him, and equally grateful to be moving on.

I don't know if that's any help but I offer it as experience, strength and hope.