New here and in crisis!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1
New here and in crisis!
Hi all, this is my first post here. I'm completely new to all of this so I could really use some guidance. I'll try to make this brief......
My dad's an alcoholic. Has been for years. Functional though, still goes to work, just drinks himself stupid every afternoon when he gets home, till he eventually passes out. Hasnt gone more than 1-2 days without a drink in several years.
It's been taking a toll on my family. I'm 26 and the oldest, have 3 younger brothers-24, 20, and 17. Only the youngest and my mom still live at home with my dad. Lately it's just gotten out of hand. He acts like a jerk when he's drunk, and we can't take it anymore.
None of us kids have ever talked to him about his drinking. My mom has, but never got through to him. So today we had an "intervention." He listened to us talk, got annoyed, and said fine, he'll stop drinking if that's what we want. We said that we want him to get help because it won't be easy, and withdrawal can be dangerous. He adamently refused. Said he can do it on his own, no problem. We kept insisting, and my mom and brother said they'd leave and come live with me if he refused to get help. He said do what you have to do, he's not going anywhere.
So, they left him. They came to stay with me today. My dad said we are blowing it out of proportion and it's not that bad. He said he'll prove us all wrong and show us he can do it on his own. Maybe he can, but I doubt it. So now he's all alone and we have no idea if he's ok. Our counselor says that we had to give an ultimatum and stick to it, which we did, but I feel so awful. I can't decide if I did the right thing.
I'm also scared he'll go through withdrawal and he'll be all alone if something bad happens. How do we know that we were correct in insisting he get help? What if he CAN do it on his own, should we have given him the chance first before pushing detox? I can't stop thinking about it.
Drove by the house when he was asleep, ALL of the liquor bottles in the house were in the trash, he tossed them all. Made me feel good and bad at the same time, maybe we shouldnt have doubted him.
Anyone else go through something similar? Did we jump the gun by packing and leaving? Is there hope that his family being gone will make him see that he needs to get help, or will it make it worse? I'm so torn up, I just want to go give him a hug. I didnt know this would be this hard.
My dad's an alcoholic. Has been for years. Functional though, still goes to work, just drinks himself stupid every afternoon when he gets home, till he eventually passes out. Hasnt gone more than 1-2 days without a drink in several years.
It's been taking a toll on my family. I'm 26 and the oldest, have 3 younger brothers-24, 20, and 17. Only the youngest and my mom still live at home with my dad. Lately it's just gotten out of hand. He acts like a jerk when he's drunk, and we can't take it anymore.
None of us kids have ever talked to him about his drinking. My mom has, but never got through to him. So today we had an "intervention." He listened to us talk, got annoyed, and said fine, he'll stop drinking if that's what we want. We said that we want him to get help because it won't be easy, and withdrawal can be dangerous. He adamently refused. Said he can do it on his own, no problem. We kept insisting, and my mom and brother said they'd leave and come live with me if he refused to get help. He said do what you have to do, he's not going anywhere.
So, they left him. They came to stay with me today. My dad said we are blowing it out of proportion and it's not that bad. He said he'll prove us all wrong and show us he can do it on his own. Maybe he can, but I doubt it. So now he's all alone and we have no idea if he's ok. Our counselor says that we had to give an ultimatum and stick to it, which we did, but I feel so awful. I can't decide if I did the right thing.
I'm also scared he'll go through withdrawal and he'll be all alone if something bad happens. How do we know that we were correct in insisting he get help? What if he CAN do it on his own, should we have given him the chance first before pushing detox? I can't stop thinking about it.
Drove by the house when he was asleep, ALL of the liquor bottles in the house were in the trash, he tossed them all. Made me feel good and bad at the same time, maybe we shouldnt have doubted him.
Anyone else go through something similar? Did we jump the gun by packing and leaving? Is there hope that his family being gone will make him see that he needs to get help, or will it make it worse? I'm so torn up, I just want to go give him a hug. I didnt know this would be this hard.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
No, you probably did the right thing. He can quit drinking on his own, but even if he manages to stay sober, he's probably going to be a miserable sob. I have my doubts that he's going to be able to simply because based on what you've said, he doesn't seem to think he has a problem, why quit drinking if you don't have a problem?
To ease your own mind you might consider calling him to see how he's doing in the am.
Welcome, let us know how it goes.
To ease your own mind you might consider calling him to see how he's doing in the am.
Welcome, let us know how it goes.
Last edited by sailorjohn; 03-29-2008 at 09:28 PM. Reason: punctuation
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You did the right thing. The only thing that seems to get through to alcoholics is to allow them to see and feel the consequences of their drinking. If your father suffers from withdrawal symptoms, it will prompt him to do one of two things: get medical help or start drinking again.
I found posting on SR helped ease me through the times when I was weaking in my resolve to live a life free from the effects of another person's drinking. Do you attend Alanon? If not, you might want to give that a try.
I found posting on SR helped ease me through the times when I was weaking in my resolve to live a life free from the effects of another person's drinking. Do you attend Alanon? If not, you might want to give that a try.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with an alcoholic parent.
Did you do the right thing? You all did what you needed to do for yourselves. That's a good thing. I've had the same doubts about things I've done (or didn't do) regarding my alcoholic son. I can say that when I was taking care of ME instead of trying to take care of him, things have gotten better for both of us. (My son is 26 years old.....he's an adult.)
Right now your Dad thinks he can do it alone. You ARE giving him a chance to do it alone and that's ok. They all seem to think they can do it alone. Then they blame everyone around them when they can't stop because "they didn't get the support they needed". Then they go back to drinking and continue to play guilt trips on their loves ones. There are all kinds of things that go on in the family dynamic where alcoholism is involved. It is truly a disease that infects the entire family.
If you haven't already done so, perhaps you could look into an Alanon group for yourself and your family. There are also wonderful books to ready (see the sticky notes at the beginning of the friends & family forum for reading suggestions). It really helps to understand what's going on with your behaviors (siblings & mother included) and understand the little games and guilt trips that an alcoholic uses to help them continue drinking and keeping everyone playing along with them.
Even though my son is currently in treatment for the second time (the first time via intervention.....this time it was his own idea), he still goes into some of the "old" behaviors and I have to watch myself carefully not to get sucked into reacting to him with my "old" behaviors.
Stick around. There are lots of folks on SR who have been in your shoes and they can all share their experiences and wisdom. If you stay the course......it does get better.
gentle hugs to you and your family as you begin your journey
Did you do the right thing? You all did what you needed to do for yourselves. That's a good thing. I've had the same doubts about things I've done (or didn't do) regarding my alcoholic son. I can say that when I was taking care of ME instead of trying to take care of him, things have gotten better for both of us. (My son is 26 years old.....he's an adult.)
Right now your Dad thinks he can do it alone. You ARE giving him a chance to do it alone and that's ok. They all seem to think they can do it alone. Then they blame everyone around them when they can't stop because "they didn't get the support they needed". Then they go back to drinking and continue to play guilt trips on their loves ones. There are all kinds of things that go on in the family dynamic where alcoholism is involved. It is truly a disease that infects the entire family.
If you haven't already done so, perhaps you could look into an Alanon group for yourself and your family. There are also wonderful books to ready (see the sticky notes at the beginning of the friends & family forum for reading suggestions). It really helps to understand what's going on with your behaviors (siblings & mother included) and understand the little games and guilt trips that an alcoholic uses to help them continue drinking and keeping everyone playing along with them.
Even though my son is currently in treatment for the second time (the first time via intervention.....this time it was his own idea), he still goes into some of the "old" behaviors and I have to watch myself carefully not to get sucked into reacting to him with my "old" behaviors.
Stick around. There are lots of folks on SR who have been in your shoes and they can all share their experiences and wisdom. If you stay the course......it does get better.
gentle hugs to you and your family as you begin your journey
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
You did the right thing. My father is also and alcoholic. My mother finally packed us all up and left. He got sober for a time, then fell off the wagon, then sober again, now drinking bacardi and coke at a rapid pace each and every day. Has been for the past 15 years.
This is a crazy disease. Even if he manages to "control" it for a little while, he'll go back until he is fully ready FOR HIMSELF to quit. Get ready for a bumpy ride.
In the meantime, please get help for yourself and tell your family to do the same. Al-anon is a great place to start. Also, keep posting here! It's a great place to learn and we've all been there/done that in some form.
(((DDO207))) Hang in there!
This is a crazy disease. Even if he manages to "control" it for a little while, he'll go back until he is fully ready FOR HIMSELF to quit. Get ready for a bumpy ride.
In the meantime, please get help for yourself and tell your family to do the same. Al-anon is a great place to start. Also, keep posting here! It's a great place to learn and we've all been there/done that in some form.
(((DDO207))) Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Saint Charles, Illinois
Posts: 2
So ease your mind and look in on him regularly.
You sound a bit frazzled and he sounds a lot grumpy. But don't let the grumpy part stop you from doing whatcha gotta to help him AND you guys.
There's only so much y'all can do to get him to accept the help he needs. What you can do is take care of you and come out of this with the strength and knowledge to better serve his needs. This is where Al-Anon comes in along with the counselor's guidance.
My family did an intervention on me in '85 and saved my butt so there is hope.
Detox can be dangerous but he sounds like he wasn't an all day drinker so his system had detox periods daily until evenings rolled around. But we don't know for sure, so take turns doing welfare checks. If anything this will let you guys relax a little. If he gripes, let him know your doing it out of love, and love conquers all, including grumpy and stubborn.
Keep the faith, there is hope.
-------------
I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.
Galileo Galilei
There's only so much y'all can do to get him to accept the help he needs. What you can do is take care of you and come out of this with the strength and knowledge to better serve his needs. This is where Al-Anon comes in along with the counselor's guidance.
My family did an intervention on me in '85 and saved my butt so there is hope.
Detox can be dangerous but he sounds like he wasn't an all day drinker so his system had detox periods daily until evenings rolled around. But we don't know for sure, so take turns doing welfare checks. If anything this will let you guys relax a little. If he gripes, let him know your doing it out of love, and love conquers all, including grumpy and stubborn.
Keep the faith, there is hope.
-------------
I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.
Galileo Galilei
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
I think you've all done the right thing. Watching him spiral out of control doesn't help him and it most certainly doesn't help the rest of the family. All it does is cause pain and anxiety.
You can't make things easier or more comfortable for him but you can for yourself.
Best of luck to you, stay strong X
You can't make things easier or more comfortable for him but you can for yourself.
Best of luck to you, stay strong X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
DD, I feel for you and your family. This is all so tough. I wish I had been more firm in my actions much earlier - I would be so much farther along in recovery. But I didn't know the things I know now. I bet you were probably hoping for a different reaction from your dad, but this is how it goes. Sticking to your resolve, as hard as it is, is the best thing for all of you. Sending warm wishes your way. You will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Saint Charles, Illinois
Posts: 2
Some other thoughts...
Your dad may need to hear that y'all are not abandoning him, but rather drawing a line in the sand and sticking to your plan, and as a beneficial side effect, he has time to think things through without distraction. Whether he listens or not is another matter.
Also timing can be everything with this kind of thing. Kindeyes said something to the effect that he may say something like "of course I couldn't do it alone, you guys didn't get the support I needed." This is your queue to explain how you are only family members, not experienced addiction professionals, and that if he's really serious about stopping for good, support from those professionals and groups like AA is what he needs.
Its tough talking to an person who's stubborn-ized from drinking. They're not only clinically psychologically altered by the chemical alcohol, they are facing the prospect of saying goodbye to an old friend, even though this friend is hurting them lately. Sometimes firing off posiive, assertive, non-aggressive answers to the persons objections is the key to geeting them to say "oh all right I'll go!." Its so easy to fall into fight mode in a family setting so your counselor can probably help here.
Be strong, "if you feel you've reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!"
--my dad
Also timing can be everything with this kind of thing. Kindeyes said something to the effect that he may say something like "of course I couldn't do it alone, you guys didn't get the support I needed." This is your queue to explain how you are only family members, not experienced addiction professionals, and that if he's really serious about stopping for good, support from those professionals and groups like AA is what he needs.
Its tough talking to an person who's stubborn-ized from drinking. They're not only clinically psychologically altered by the chemical alcohol, they are facing the prospect of saying goodbye to an old friend, even though this friend is hurting them lately. Sometimes firing off posiive, assertive, non-aggressive answers to the persons objections is the key to geeting them to say "oh all right I'll go!." Its so easy to fall into fight mode in a family setting so your counselor can probably help here.
Be strong, "if you feel you've reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!"
--my dad
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
hey there....i'm kinda in the same situation as you...
my advice would be to react sooner than later, because if you leave it, the whole thing might snowball and get so bad that you don't know where to turn!
it's great that you can help your mother and younger brother out there - that was the best thing you could do for them!! i agree on calling there and hearing how he's doing (just so he knows you still care), but do not be fooled by the games they can play with your mind, the guilt trip they can put us on. they are where they are, because of them - not our fault
i hope all the best for you and your family & that it all turns out to be fine!
good luck!!!!
my advice would be to react sooner than later, because if you leave it, the whole thing might snowball and get so bad that you don't know where to turn!
it's great that you can help your mother and younger brother out there - that was the best thing you could do for them!! i agree on calling there and hearing how he's doing (just so he knows you still care), but do not be fooled by the games they can play with your mind, the guilt trip they can put us on. they are where they are, because of them - not our fault
i hope all the best for you and your family & that it all turns out to be fine!
good luck!!!!
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