DESIGNER

Ok so most on here know what I have delt with with the xabf and the breakup and everything else. Well it has been about a month since we have officially been broken up and not living together. Well I have met this guy who does not drink at all. Same age as the exabf and has it all together. While twice now he has asked me to do something alone(lunch or party) and I make up some lame excuse!!! His best friend is my best friends boyfriend so we have all hung out in one big group and I am totally cool with that but as far as dating I am not sure what to do.

My friend said that I am looking way to much into it and that I should just go and do stuff with him as friends but it is very hard to do that considering the fact that you know that he likes you.

Is it just to soon? I am not sure what to tell him.....I can't keep up making excuses for not wanting to do something with him alone.

hbb

hey there! I have the same friends that want to do the same for me and finally it happened and i was honest with the guy (a few weeks ago) and told him that I wasn't in the right place at the moment. But a few weeks later and now i'm talking to a great guy!!

It's when YOUR ready Don't you or anyone else put extra pressure on you!

denny57

See it as an experiment, since you have nothing invested in him: trust yourself enough to say I am not ready. I am not going to be convinced by anyone else that I don't know my own mind. See how that goes.

((( )))

Shivaya

Hi Designer, looks like you've already rec'd some great advice. Go with what feels right for you, at the time. It's okay to go out for a meal/party with someone just for the sake of company/enjoyment. Doesn't have to be anything more than that....

Good luck, sweetie! Continue to take good care of yourself.



Shivaya

denny57

I understand this advice; but from what I'm reading, Designer doesn't feel comfortable with that because she knows he is interested in her in another way.

IMO, it doesn't matter if it's as friends or something more - what matters is what Designer is feeling at this time and having the courage to follow one's own counsel. Doing that was a huge step forward in my recovery. Today, I know myself and what is best for me (and I can change that whenever I like). Friends may have their opinions of what I should be doing, but it's just that, their opinion. I can weigh it, accept it, reject it, etc. I no longer feel anyone knows what's best for my life better than I do.

Miss Pink

a month after a break up.....

ya, id day your ready to get into another relationship!

NOT!

DESIGNER

Well I have been thinking about it and though on the outside I appear ok and it appears that I have accepted this break up on the inside I feel a lot different. I mean when we all went out the other night I got along great with this guy and we had fun and it was nice to just relax and know someone else is interested in me BUT this morning when he called and he asked me to lunch my heart just sank and the thought of going with him was dreadful.

I know that I am not completely over the exabf....even though I should be....because if it would have been the ex calling I would have jumped up and gotten ready in a heartbeat.

Why?....I don't know. I mean the ex didn't always treat me the greatest and he put me through some crappy times and here I have this great guy who has his life fully together and I don't want anything to do with him.

I think that I need to get my head examined!!!! LOL

lexusgirl

I think it takes way way more time to heal over a break up then simply a month. Its a slow healing process. When you're ready to move on you'll know.

Chrysalis

Sometimes people mean well with their advice but don't always understand the effect alcoholism has had on us. I find that some of the best advice I get is from people in a recovery program/sr because they have experienced some of the same feelings and understand the dynamic of codependent behaviour. I am sure your friend meant well but I would heavily filter her advice.

Barbara52

Listen to your gut which pretty clearly seems to be saying you aren't ready for any sort of couple sort of outing.

Going out with a group of folks and enjoying it is very different than a one-on-one date, no matter how casual.

If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. That's ok. Give yourself the time you need and ignore some arbitrary time table for when you SHOULD be ready to date.

NYC_Chick

I'm so NOT ready to date and it's been since November for me. I can say, though, that it was nice to see that someone else was interested in me. I know I could go out with someone right now, but what would it serve? It would spare me from having to hang out alone and having to analyze myself for the millionth time, but in the end, if I want a healthy relationship in the future I have to be healthy.

Also, I also think about their feelings in all this, not the A, but the new person. What if he really likes me and becomes attached over time and I am not ready to return that? I would be doing to them exactly what my xabf did to me. I didn't like being used, so I'm sure no one else would appreciate it either.

I would say go out in groups and have a good time, but seeing how crushed you were just a month ago, I'm not sure how you could be over it and open to a new relationship so soon.

This stuff is a bummer!

Shivaya

Eeek! This is what I get for reading too quickly & then offering advice! I did not see (at the time of my post) that it was stated there was an attraction there!

Please excuse me,

Shivaya