suzieq1972

I'm having second thoughts. I went to see the lawyer yesterday to file for a divorce. She told me he would be served in the next ten days (if they can locate him...I don't think he's staying where he was before). This is after he talked to our son Saturday night (he's not allowed at the house because I have a RO against him) and said once again he wants to come home.

I feel soooo guilty about having him served and him not having any knowledge of it whatsoever. It's going to completely throw him for a loop and it just seems so cruel. I just can't believe that this is how my almost 16 yr marriage is going to end. I have never wanted to hurt him, I have so much compassion for him, but I can't live with the way he's treated me.

Everyone talks about the behavior being a problem (with or without the alcohol). My AH was always a good person before he started drinking and taking pills. I don't remember the behavior being bad before that and I think that's why I feel so bad. This has been going on for 2 yrs, which seems so insignificant compared to the almost 16 we've been together.

I still have to tell our son and I have no idea what to say.

I wish I could get back the sweet boy I met in high school who used to mess up my hair every day in biology. The boy who told me we would be together forever and he would do anything for me. The man who tried so desparately tried to save our house the night it burned. Where did that person go?

I want to call the lawyer and tell her to forget it. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

NYC_Chick

If you are not ready, then you are not ready and you should not beat yourself up for that. If you are ready, but you are waiting because you are trying to save HIS feelings, then ask yourself how he has tried to save YOUR feelings and that may give you a more clear answer.

I still feel sorry for hurting my xabf with the break-up, but it was either him or me and I finally decided me is the better choice. I understand how hard it must be, though.

denny57

This can be a confusing concept. I had to accept what IS, RIGHT NOW. For me, it isn't about removing the alcohol and having the "old" person back. It's about removing the alcohol as an excuse and accepting the fact the person I am sharing my life with is exhibiting unacceptable behaviors. Otherwise, I sacrifice my life to someone else's.

Today I firmly believe that letting go of the alcoholic was the most loving, compassionate thing I could do.

Take care.

DetachMe9

This was a difficult thing (getting him served) for me too. My attorney suggested AH come in to her office and sign a "notice of appearance", which prevents him from formally being served. He has to be willing to do this, though, and then also later willing to come in and review the completed proposal/agreement when it's time. Since we're broke and can only afford one (my) attorney, AH was OK with doing it this way. He doesn't want the divorce, but he sees it's inevitable and pointless to fight it.

You said you have a RO, so this may not work for you. Best of luck in this very difficult decision.