angelleeca

Its long so here is the basics - dating 1 and half years + some, one year full of love, this year full of drinking - he own't stop how do I help him
He's only 19

Now for the long story

For me I've been in college for one and 3/4th years. Almost done with my 2nd year. Well in my first year at college I met this guy, started dating him and fell in love. (Love sucks!) The first year had problems, but who doesn't. I stuck with it. Then this year started (my sophomore year) I was still with that guy (and still am ;/) At first it was ok, I mean we hadn't really seen each other for 3 months so it was a bit odd. But after a week it was all better.
There was on big difference though, he had changed. Change is good right? No, not this kind of change. He started doing pills to run away (his mother was deathly ill and passed away in October) so understandably he was in pain. I tried to get him to see that pills were not the way, but he didn't care. During this time he also began drinking. Not just the weekend party - no there was no weekend party it was only 3 pm right after class 6+ shots. Everyday.
I didn't know what to do. (Still don't) I tried everything but nothing ever worked. I cried every night, I told him I hated it and that something had to change...it didn't mater to him.
I was willing to support him in any way I could with his mother and his feelings with that. I even suggested he go see someone. He just got mad. So I never brought it up again. The drinking just got worse after she passed...and at the start of December I was done with it.
You see I use to make sure his ass was in bed and he was all clean and what not, (in our dorm there is a nice lobby and he would just pass out down there, and me being who I am I couldn't dare let him stay down there for the cops to find him, so I would embarrass myself by pulling on his limp body trying to get him off the floor/chair/sofa. People would look but no one ever said anything... they didn't know what to say I guess - I hated it but I did it because of that stupid thing called Love) but I stopped that. I started just leaving him where ever he fell (literally) in December. Most of the time it was on the sofa in his room. His roommate would offer to help and I would say no, let him say where he is. So he would leave him there. This some how hit home for him, and he started to change. Then a month long break came along.
He went back to his home - full of very bad influences - from everyone there.
So that needless to say didn't help him. Then this semester came along...He relieved he didn't need to drink to be happy and that life was better with out it. I was so happy.
I voiced my happiness. I made it so clear that it meant the world to me that he didn't drink or do pill. But that didn't last to long, I'd say oh not even a week. He would drink and he would drink too much. Guess where I'd leave him?
He started going over to his friends house (at all hours of the night) because there wasn't anyone there trying to get him to stop his drinking. Hell his friends are just as bad if not worse then him. I was requested to go get him when ever he wanted to come back. This would be at all hours of the night. And I being the stupid person I am would do it.
So at all hours of the night during school nights there I was getting his ass of some sofa dragging him to the car. One night he told me he want to stay just a few more minutes because he wanted to munch on some chips to calm his stomach. I was like "ok". So as we sat there he in his drunkenness puts his arm around my neck and tries to pull me close. It’s not doing that its chocking me instead. I say that quietly to him, as to not embarrass him in front of his super drunk friends. And he gets mad saying if he was really chocking me he'd do this. And he tries to chock me. I get pissed and firmly say stop and he does. Then he says "promise me that you won't get mad at me no matter what." Me "ok" him - "when we leave don't get mad when I call you "the bitch" ok?" me - "**** NO! YOU WILL NOT SAY THAT ABOUT ME!" and it went on from there. Some how in his mind it hit home and he realized he was being a stupid *****. So we go back to the dorm - the end (of that night)
Another night, I was requested to go get him at 12:30. Ok I will, so he calls at 12:30 "don't come get me, get me at 1:30" Ok fine, 1:30 comes along "don't get me now wait 30 minutest." 2 something o’clock rolls around I'm tired I can't sleep. I call him saying if he wants back he's coming back now, and what do I get from him...."30 more minutes"
Nope that didn't happen, I went to go get him (why cause I'm stupid) Get there just walk right in I don't care. Find him passes out on a sofa (that’s nothing new). I go over and try to wake him up(and really embarrass him cause he's with his friends now (and they matter the ppl in the lobby don't) and I’m pulling on his arms - slapping his face - the normal **** I do to wake his sorry ass up), I get some kind of response, "call me when you get here, I want to stay here, leave me alone..." and Bull like that so what do I do. On the verge of tears I look to his friend (who is somehow not passes out) and say "You can ****** deal with him, I'm done!" and I walk out the door. His friend rushes over (why idk) and tell my boyfriend that he needs to get up cause I'm leaving. And WOW it works.
So in the car back to the dorm nothing much happens, I stay quiet because I'll probably kill him with words if I talk. We get to the parking lot at the dorm I pretty much have to pull him out of the car, where he proceeds to run around in circles cause that’s how **** faces he was. I tell him I'm leaving him there. And I pretty much do, I leave him enough for a drunken person to think they are alone. And he starts to cry. Well this goes on for over 30 mins. (mind you it takes 2 to get from one end of the parking lot to the door) we finally make it to the dorm. YES - and where does he sleep that night? The sofa! Cause that’s where he layer out. And Like I said I've stopped moving him from there.
So that next morning he says he's sorry and it will never happen again. And I tell him if it does I'm gone for good.
And he hadn't been gone since then. Until a week ago. (And the time from then to now over a month and half has been full of drunken stupid rampages not once a week but lets say 4+ a week)
So a week ago he's gone off his ass (nothing new once again) we have along fight me sober him ****** **** face drunk - so he doesn't remember it. Well I'm yelling he’s yelling and I tell him I'm done. I take all my stuff out of his room and put it in the hallway. As I'm opening the door he slames it shut, I open it, he slames it shut. I tell him to **** off and I walk out the door (holding my microwave...0.o he doesn't have one or a roommate so I let him use it STUPID!) I look to my right and who do I see, his RA. ****!
If he goes and checks on my bf not only is my bf ****** but so am I because I didn't turn him in. So I look to the RA and say I'm sorry it’s just a big fight (leaving out that half a half gallon of vodka is gone) I come back in to the room find his seat mate by the bathroom door. (He had been involved earlier that night when HE fell into the shower) So I ask his seat mate to take the vodka out of the room because I don't want the RA to find it if he does come in.
Well the RA never comes in, and his seat mate feels its best to poor out the rest of the vodka. OK fine by me. The next morning comes along. One of the first things out of HIS mouth is "where is my vodka. Go get my vodka." I tell him I can't, and why. And he nearly killed me (not really he was just super pissed at me, not his seatmate but me.)
He was mad because I gave it away. It was my entire fault that it was gone. And he made it very clear that I owed him a new FULL bottle. I was like **** no. All that day and a few days after that that’s all he could say "you owe me a bottle of vodka." and whole time I'm thinking, nope won't do will never do, it’s not my fault you were a drunken ass who required someone to take care of you. I never said that kind of wish I did.
So just the other day he says that he doesn't care any more anyone owes anyone vodka.

So this is my life, and I hate it. I want to leave but I can’t because I love the ******. And I hate that.
So if anyone knows of anything I can do to make my life (and his better) let me know? Cause I need the help. I've tried talking to him, I’ve tried everything. But it doesn't matter he's been drunk (almost gone) every night this week - and he finds every reason to drink.
I asked him tonight. "Don't you see a problem with drinking every night?" and his response is "no, it could be worse I could be gone at 3pm again"
He has a problem and I don't know how to help him...So someone please help me!

Sorry its so long

BayAreaPhoenix

You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, You can Cure it!

He has to help himself, bottom line. Nothing you can do. I'm sorry you're going through all this. You are so young! Make sure you keep doing what you need to do to move forward with YOUR life! If it's meant to be, he will rise to the bar, if not, that means someone who can is out there for you, even tho you can't see it right now.

((((hugs))))

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place with lots of insight and help if you are willing to apply it.

YOU CAN'T HELP HIM!!!!!! Let me repeat that. YOU CAN'T HELP HIM!!!!! The only one you can help is YOU.

Please find some Alanon meetings and instead of wasting your time enabling and rescuing your bf go to the meetings.

One of the first things you will learn is the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

He will have to decide when 'enough is enough,' and at 19 he may have a way to go until he does.

Do you really want this behavior to be your life??? Let me tell you, you 'think' you 'love' him, however, there is a lot more to life than just love. You are seeing first hand what your life will be like if you stay with him.

Now that being said, I am not saying leave. I am saying get to Alanon, find out how to 'set boundaries' and keep them. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

What you are doing is 'enabling.' that does no good for you or him. His drinking, his drunkenness, his problems are HIS RESPONSIBILITIES not yours. The longer you try to 'help' the longer it will take for him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

You need your rest. Running out at all hours of the night to 'rescue' him is just not how to help this young man.

Please find some Alanon, it will help you tremendously.

J M H O

Please, please, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

abcdefg

Welcome to SR. You will find plenty of compassion and experience here.

Al-anon is a great, great resource for learning how to take care of oneself in the face of another's disease. No one will tell you what to do (if they do, they aren't really working an Al-anon program so ignore them). You will hear people talk about how they deal with their feelings, their anger, their guilt, etc.

Most of what you describe is not love, it's co-dependency. There's a lot of information (books, support groups, therapy) to understand and confront co-dependency.

Genuine love is not a source of pain, violence or humiliation. It is an experience that allows us to be our best, highest selves.

That's not happening in your relationship because your relationship is dominated by alcoholism and addiction. Your boyfriend is addicted to substances. You are addicted to him. You can not do anything for him. As has been said in the other posts: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

You CAN get help and recovery for yourself.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting. You are not alone.

prodigal

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. Please listen to the advice you are being given because it's coming from a lot of experience. You are a young woman who is getting trapped in a very bad situation. Take it from me. I have been married to TWO alcoholics. If you think it is bad now, you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg.

And as you have already read, love is not about abusing another or abusing ourselves. Someone who is wallowing in addiction is not going to love you. They are going to put their addiction first.

You cannot save another human being who wishes to trash his life. If you really love him, you will step back and let him face the consequences of his own actions. He has to want it for himself.

Please keep posting.

sodetermined

Welcome to SR! Keep posting there is a lot of wisdom and support here, I know it helps me.

When I read your post it kind of took me back to when Chris (my abf) and I first met, I was always "helping" him, getting him comfortably in bed after a drunken night, dragging him from bars, parties, etc. At one time I saved him from falling down the bleachers. I was embarrassed, hurt, and had no idea at the time how sick I was becoming. When I say that, I mean that I was not only rescuing him (or so I thought) but was feeding from that because I felt needed with Chris, and I knew he loved me (as much as he could) and so after the storm, there was this calm where is was treated so great for being there for him and rescuing him, but the cycle has continued for almost 3 years and Chris has been incarcerated and has been emotionally and physically abusive. I kept thinking I could help Chris, too. I still struggle with accepting that I can't. They have to want recovery themselves, or it will never happen, and you will become just as sick as he is.

You have gotten some great advice, read the stickies at the top there is a lot of great information there.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the chaos of loving an alcoholic.

My son is an alcoholic and he is young. I have witnessed similar behavior by him in the past. It isn't pretty. Only you know your tolerance level for putting up with his unacceptable behavior.

It may sound strange but the kindest thing you could do for him (and you) is to take care of yourself. There are many wonderful books that can help you to see how your behaviors are tied together....alcoholic and codependent.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good one to identify the behaviors that are typical for a person involved with an alcoholic.

Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is a good one to identify the behaviors of the alcoholic and how your own behaviors are intertwined.

gentle hugs

Rella927

I picked up on this before reading other post and must say the same thing..

"You cannot help him"

We can only help ourselves-

I use to run this over in my head......"why is it that he cannot see what he is doing to himself and to me" "Why can't I make him see his problem" "If he would stop drinking he will be fine" "If he would just be normal"

Until I got tired, drained, abused-and so lost in my life-everything began to fall apart around me-I started counseling and later Al-Anon-I realized that I cannot control anyone or anything except for me! I cannot change anyone except for me! So my journey began for me! I started to see not only was he the one with problems but, I had a lot of my own........and I'm working on ME now not him!-He is out of my life with his unacceptable behavior....and guess what?

I feel great!

We do what we need to do for ourselves in our own time-I hope that you will do what you need to do for you when the time is right-Please keep posting and sharing with us-we are here for you-

Shivaya

Angeelica, Welcome to SR my dear.

You are so very young, and if you could learn this lesson early in life (I certainly did not), you will have a life filled with joy.

You cannot control what anybody thinks/says/does. You can only control what you think/say/do.

You don't need this guy. I am sure there are lots of nice men at your school that would love to treat you as well as you deserve.

This guy is not your boyfriend. Sounds to me like you are his babysitter. Get away from him, don't talk, text, email, nothing (unless you want to continue in this madness).

I am speaking from experience. You don't want to wait 19 years, one marriage, and two children later to finally put your foot down and stop accepting unacceptable behavior. You deserve better....we all do.

Please take care of yourself,

Shivaya

Lilyflower

Angeleeca, just wanted to say HI and welcome! So much great advice given to you already. I just wanted to say to take a step back from this and focus on you! You are the most important person in your life, if you are unhappy there is always the choice to change, as hard as that may be.

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerDoormat

This is not love. It's pity.