AliceinWndrland

Hi everyone. I'm a better lurker than poster... but it's amazing to me how helpful even just reading other people's posts can be... I wonder sometimes if my reluctance to post has more to do with hiding than I want to admit...
anyway, my dad is a recently relapsed alcoholic. about a month ago he emailed me and told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me.. and then continued to email me. lately he's been admitting that he was trying to "protect me" - from his drinking, his depression, and the latest news, that he's heard from his doctor that he might have cancer - colon, or worse, pancreatic. I've been trying to be open and kind to him, knowing he is going through all this, and I feel like we've been making some peace. On the same day that I got the cancer news, my boyfriend of 3 years - who I loved deeply and completely and god bless him - drinks half a beer in a year... broke up with me. ah life...
I'm hoping to talk to him, and get back together with him, but at the same time, I'm wondering - why am I so gung-ho about getting back with someone who doesn't want to commit to me? That's always been the issue - everything's great, but it's a long distance relationship, and he just freaks out when we talk about me moving to his city...
and so I wondered what everyone's thoughts were - how much does having dealt with an alcoholic, and all those issues - affect your dealings with people who don't drink? or have other "issues" but not alcohol related? Is that truly what co-dependence is - how much does it spill over into your other relationships?

Spiritual Seeker

sorry abt your breakup.

The changes I am making have improved all my rleationships.
I understand codepend. now

Lilyflower

Others may offer another insight but for me, codependancy was with me prior to having a relationship with an A. However I would definately say that having that relationship and dealing with the chaos that came with it has made my codependancy more prevalent. Perhaps the intensity of the relationship hightened my codependancy or my codependancy helped fuel the problems within the relationship, these are still questions I haven't answered. I do know that having been in a relationship with an A, my inner self has been wounded through emotional and verbal abuse, inconsistancy at home and fear of conflict has lead me to be passive in many aspects of my life, I suffer from my nerves and I definately struggle with trust. in time I may discover that I have been affected in other ways. Either way I do think an involvement with an A alters our life and ourselves and so these things need to be addressed and healed.

Lily xxxxxxxx

Bernadette

Hey Alice--
Sorry to hear you have alot on your plate all at once - wow.

It's been my experience that the behaviors I learned growing up with an alcoholic father affected my relationships pretty significantly with men in my life. I married a guy and had 2 kids with him - he was not a drinker - but wow what a messed up and co-dependent relationship I had with him. Miserable! Divorced (happily!!).

I was shocked when I started going to AlAnon to discover how much of my behavior was warped by dealing with alcoholism the way I was dealing with it - y'know I was just a very, very naive co-dependent person back then...

I really took a few years and unraveled alot of stuff. Educating yourself about alcoholism and co-dependency (and whatever other names there are for the dysfunctional ways we relate to people) is a great first step in finding out for yourself how much your relationships are affected.

It is a journey of self-discovery - you don't know what you'll find - but I would say I have seen many many people stuck in alcoholic/co-dependent behaviors change their lives for the better once they start looking at their actions realistically.

It's a difficult but worthwhile experience. I mean you're unhappy with your relationship ending- and you wish you would choose a man who could commit to you - but you don't choose those men...hmmmmmmm this is a great place to start exploring - either through AlAnon- or therapy - or whatever else you can DO (not just think about) to give you some new insights into yourself...

Hugs to you during these struggles--but these are forcing you to seek help and look in the mirror and start questioning and that will lead you to better places!

Courage!

Peace,
B.

sailorjohn

What I read, we remain in those relationships because it's the only way we can perpetuate those negative feelings we have about ourselves, I don't deserve good relationships. I'll prove it by staying in this one.

denny57

Thank you.

RosieM

Boy, that's one to ponder. Thanks, Sailor.

AliceinWndrland

thanks everyone for your thoughts, you've given me some things to think about. I know I have given that advice to friends in the past - that sometimes we stay in relationships that are "bad" because we think that's what we deserve... but the ex was a wonderful person, he treated me like gold (when not breaking up with me, haha, sniff) so sometimes I got caught in a loop thinking, I love him, and isn't what I deserve to be with the person I love? I guess I always feel like I can convince him he feels differently... much like I tried so many times to "convince" my father to stop drinking... with similiar lack of success...

sailorjohn

A quick example, when I first got back in the program I allowed someone to sponsor me, someone that approached me. Seemed very knowledgeable, had some long term sobriety. I ended up purchasing a condo, with him as the agent, based on his advice.


We all know how bad the real estate market is, I was told NOT to do it by a fair number of people including my then divorce lawyer, and my Dad who is also in AA. He mentioned, and I knew, that one of the unwritten rules of AA is that sponsors never mix business with the people they sponsor, EVER. I realized later that one of the reasons I went through with it is because I am a people pleaser and have a difficult time saying no, even when I want to.

prodigal

I have to stop myself when I realize I am offering my "advice" in an overbearing, I-know-what-is-best-for-YOU manner. I have to be aware of when it's okay to offer someone my opinion politely, and when I need to zip my lip and respect the other person's way of doing things.