Lilyflower

He left to catch his coach to Scotland on Sunday morning. I was really sad. He told me he had booked his seat on the Friday. From Friday evening onwards I have felt so upset about it. I can be doing anything and not even be thinking about it and I will just feel a pain in my chest and break down crying. It's a horrible situation. I really love him, I am still in love with him, he still makes my heart flutter and he still lights up a room for me when he enters it, he is my best friend, I've never been close to anyone like I have with him, he knows me better than anyone else and I feel completely free to be me with him. Then I know that the last year or so since his mum died have been so hurtful, he started drinking heavy after that event and this to me is when so many of our problems began and when he developed a new side of his character. When he drank he became irrational and could say the most hurtful things to me, so out of character compared to the man I met and fell in love with. Our financial situation went down hill and never really recovered, and he became more and more cut off from me emotionally as he fell deeper into his addiction. I know in my head that I need for him to change himself. For him to be my partner again, he would have to stop drinking and get into recovery. I know that at this time he isn't doing that and so we must part. I am so heart broken about it. I never broke up with him to force him to change, I broke up with him because I was in pain and needed things that were not available to me and which I could see no sign of improvement on. At this time, my heart is yearning for him, I want so badly to have him back, but I know I cannot right now. Things have not altered and I would be going back to the same situation. I know it's not healthy to talk about 'ifs', but it is all I seem to be able to do right now. It hurts me so much to think that I will never be able to cuddle up to him again, or hold his hand, kiss him or just sit on the sofa together and debate like we used to. I am hurting so much right now.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

{hugs} You are mourning a very real loss. Be good to yourself and allow yourself to process this loss. You can come out better on the other side.

lexusgirl

((((((((((Lilyflower)))))))))))

I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate to so much that you have written.

Rella927

Lily you are mourning-this to shall pass-Feel what you are feeling-

Fill that tub up and light some candles-
Do things that you enjoy to do for yourself-
Call a friend go out for dinner-

The choice you have made is a good one and in time you will see the change was right.

Your not alone keep posting-We are here for you!

warrens

LF

Very powerful stuff, indeed. I can literally feel your heart pounding as you wrote that. No 'throw the bum out" tirade, your decision is infused with love for yourself and him.

I am so grateful that my love, who was close to that decision, did not have to exercise it. I found enough love for myself in time, I think. I'm sober for me, but it enables her to love me.

During my first week of sobriety, it dawned on me. The words came to me. "When I become lovable, I will be loved." Love isn't something you can choose, expect, or demand. It is only valuable when freely given.

I hope that your man can one day again be lovable. By a woman who is whole. It is a gift for which I have no words. It is more powerful to me than any addiction. It is an addiction. One I hope to die with.

Peace and serenity to you,

warren

DESIGNER

Girl I totally understand what you are going through. It has been almost a month since xabf and I have officially been broken up and It is amazing how much better I feel after only a month(I am not perfect but getting there) It is going to hurt and it is going to feel like you are never going to get over it......trust me when I say that time does heal. The first couple weeks were the hardest b/c xabf and i would have to talk from time to time over money and every time I talked with him I would get so upset. He sounded so good. Told me about plans for his future, said that he was going back to school and even that he was not drinking that much......and I believed it.

Well last night I caught him off guard and I guess he thought that he could actually try talking with me on the phone without sounding drunk but for God's sake we have been together for 4 yrs....I know when he has had a little too much. At first he was at a restaurant and then he said ok maybe he is at a bar. Then he goes on to tell me that he has not been working that much lately and gettting his shifts covered for him(just a week ago had told me that he was putting a ton of hours in). It is funny how things can change so drastically in a weeks time!!! LOL.

What I am trying to tell you is if you do happen to speak with him please do not believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He will say anything to make you feel like you made a bad decsision. That is what was the worst for me the first 3 weeks. You need to listen to your gut instinct and go with that. I know that you are going to miss the cuddling and the affection from him....it is hard but you know what I miss that also but I don't miss the lies and the broken promises. I have not been stressed out at all this past month. That is amazing for me b/c when we were together it seemed as though I could never relax.

Remember to smile.....you are going through the worst of it. I do honestly feel better already and I am sure each day ahead of me is going to just get easier. I will be thinking about you.....hang in there.

Oh one more thing you don't have to think of this as over forever.....that is hard. Just think of it as right now you have to be apart for both of your sake. You never know what the future may hold for the two of you. Now don't wait for this to happen....continue to live your life and see other people......but you never know what 2 yrs down the road may bring you. This may be what he needs to change and get himself better. My sister told me the other day that she knows that right now this is where I need to be in my life and you never know what may happen later on and that really does help make it easier for me.

kermit

Thanks for the post, it took me back to place that seems so long ago, I know your pain as most of us do. You are doing a wounderful job and I'm glad you posted, it sure helps doesn't it? to get the feelings down. Any how take care and God Bless.

Kermmie

denny57

(((lily))) I have been thinking about you.

The pain will pass, I promise. Time gave me the gift of looking back in clarity. I hope that comes for you, too. It has allowed me to appreciate all the good times we had; more importantly it has allowed me to see clearly all that was unhealthy about the relationship.

Whoever invented the honeymoon phase . . . I'm beginning to believe the theory it's strictly a biological thing - a time when we're supposed to procreate.

Be nice to yourself during this time. It does get better. I hope he finds what he is looking for and I hope you find all you deserve.

Lilyflower

Thank you everyone, I am so touched by your responses they mean so much. My head and my heart are at opposite ends right now. I'm so glad I have this place to come to and that you are all there for me.

Who knows what will happen, it makes it easier to deal with the pain by thinking that this is only temporary and that we will be together again some day, it gives me hope and courage to get through. I don't want to fool myself or purposely bury my emotions either. I know I have done the right thing. I just keep dreaming that he will come back, the man I have seen him be, wanting his life again, instead of running away from it, wanting his emotions, instead of hiding from them.

I am not bitter toward him at all. I truely want him to be happy. I got to know a person who was immensely kind, and truely loving with a big heart. A fun, shy, funny and deep person who I respected and cared for. It is so sad that he gave up on himself. I hope he does find himself again, he is in a good place to do that, out in the mountains and away from the city.

We're completing the end of the financial year at work and so it's really busy, which is helping to keep me occupied, very little time for my mind to wander! I've been trying to keep occupied outside of work too, on Easter Sunday after he left, my daughter and I got organised and went to my parents for Sunday roast. We spent a lovely day there with my grandma, sister and my twin neice and nephew. Then on Monday, I spent the day with my sister and the twins, who never fail to make my heart glow! After all the chaos dies down at work I plan to take some time off and sort out the house as Designer suggested to me. I think it will be good for me to reclaim the space and to officially 'move out' my xabf.

Thank you again my friends, I hope I can repay you all in time
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hbb

(((Lily))) I'm so sorry for all you are going through right now. You know, like we always say that time will heal all wounds but i know how painful things are right now. I remember the week you got here and what a mentor you have been for me. Your so strong and you will get through this. You gave it your all and that's all you can do. Be proud of yourself.

xxx
heather

Lilyflower

(((Heather))) sometimes the thank you button just isn't enough

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DESIGNER

There are times like this where I wish that I lived right next door. There is a reason my name is designer on here.....that is what I do for a living!!!! Interior design that is.......If only I could come over and help you!!!!
Trust me once you redo your home and make some changes it makes all the difference.

DetachMe9

Lily: Everything that's important is hard. It just sucks. You're going to be fine, you can tell from your post. It's certainly not easy, though. Take care of yourself.

Hey Designer: If you're in the KC Metro area, we may need to talk after my divorce is final and AH moves out.....

Kindeyes

Lilyflower
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your pain and your love was so powerfully stated. Wish I could be there to give you....

...gentle hugs.

Tally

Sorry it came to this Lily, I know how much you wanted it to work out, be good to yourself *hugs*

FormerDoormat

May I suggest two books from one of my favorite designers, Alexandra Stoddard, that will help you create a very personal, organized, and welcoming space?

"Creating a Beautiful Home"

and

"Open Your Eyes"

I especially like Ms. Stoddard's "grace notes," a set of ideas she includes at the end of each chapter to add grace to your home and life.

I think she's a real gem, and you are, too.

hbb

You can say that again, if i could thank YOU and so many others here a million times i would too Keep your chin up, we'll get through this once and for all!


hugs!
heather

Pajarito

Ms Lilyflower, you are such a kind person. No venom in your post- only real love for someone who is sick. I feel exactly as you do about losing my AH- only I did not post it so eloquently. You will move forward in your life and thrive. It is so hard right now- It is a loss. . . Continue to reach out and take care of yourself. (((((hugs)))))