Chrysalis

Last night I went back to my Al Anon meetings after missing two sessions due a March Break vacation. As I have posted here, I booked a vacation for myself (sans AH), my three girls (13,10,7) and two of their friends to a sunny destination. It was glorious! I had the most fun I had had in all of my time away EVER!

It wasn't until I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my return flight that I realized that I had not once given any thought to Alcoholism, Al Anon, AA, SR or anything remotely related to the "ISSUE" in my life for the entire vacation. As all of my reality slowly moved back into my thoughts it felt as though a wet blanket was sliding over me to weigh me back down. Back to reality I go!

My AH did not return from his vacation until the day after we did so I had 24 hours to ease back into my reality. Hours before his expected return I had turned back into the sargent major with my kids barking orders and instructions. Monday rolled around and my AH reminded me that we had our repective AA & Al Anon meetings which had totally slipped my mind; I had not even logged onto SR for the almost 36 hours of my return.

As we drove to the meeting last night I realized that I was feeling resentful of having to go to my meeting. Now, keep in mind that I love my meetings and the people there but I just could not help feeling resentful of having the ISSUE in my life. While at my meeting I felt weepy and sad; and 50% of the sharing I heard made me want to cry.

As much as I recognize that my life has been a series of events that has contributed greatly, possibly entirely to who I am today for which I am grateful and that Al Anon and SR and all the literature and reading have helped me come so far, I simply hated that the fact that I have had alcholism in my life since my birth some 41 years ago and even though my AH seems to have found recovery the issue is still there! It's never going away, either the addiction or the recovery will always be part of my life.

I guess I really enjoyed the experience of being free from it all even for just a short time...and I do realized that a resort living isn't reality either but it sure was nice to be free...

I guess I had better get back to "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" Step one here I come.

Glad to be back on SR

Kindeyes

That must have been glorious to be soaking up the sunshine without having the deal with problems! Glad to hear that you enjoyed yourself!

After being in paradise, it is hard to come back and face reality (I did the same thing in January but the A in my life is my son). It'll take a while to adjust your attitude but you'll be ok.

Welcome home!

gentle hugs

denny57

I would suggest trying another break at some point and see how that goes. I personally have found I do not need as many meetings as I did at the beginning. I have a number of tools I use to deal with life and all it encompasses, and that includes the 12 steps. I do outreach and carry the message. Meetings were, in fact, keeping me stuck. I will still go to one when I need to.

This is MY personal experience only. I have no ties to AH, including children.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Bernadette

Heya CodeeMe--

I can so totally relate to that feeling of anger that this ISSUE is in my life!!!!!

In fact I have cried / bellowed many times just feeling so fed up that I still have to DEAL with alcoholics/alcoholism-related crap.

Recovery doesn't prevent us from tough feelings. And detachment doesn't make all the tough feelings go away - it just makes them a bit more manageable I guess, and gives us space for rational action.

But even with lots of experience at working my program I still have to just scream into the pillow when some fresh tragedy befalls one of my 3 A brothers...then I will pick myself up and keep on trucking! :atv

It helps me to know that there is no life without suffering. There is no singular person who does not have some cross to bear. To suffer is to be human.

And, to go on really nice peaceful vacations is human also!! What a gift you gave yourself and your girls! Keep that as a perfect warm memory/meditation model for when the times are tough. I'm very jealous!! Sounds so totally wonderful.

And congratulate yourself that you were able to go and NOT obsess one bit about your ISSUES!!! An excellent sign - I mean if you're gonna take all the crap that life slings at you head on- then TAKE THE GOOD TIMES FULLY TOO!!!

Hang in there-
Peace,
B.

Miss Pink

I believe any cancer, diabetes, luekemia patient feels exactly as you do. THey hate being stricken with a disgusting, fatal disease.

You wouldnt rather have one of those diseases, would you?

Its all how you look at things.

Lilyflower

Truth is, as I see it, you were never free from it while on holiday. As you say, it has been part of your life for 41 yrs. It was still there when you were away, you cannot leave a chunk of your life at home when you go on vacation, you take it with you. So what changed when you were away? - You. You subconciously or otherwise decided that alcoholism was not going to factor in your time away. You were able to completely detach, disconnect and live life for you, for your happiness, and spent your time nuturing and being true to yourself. The way I see it, that was what made you free, and the wonderful thing about it all is that you created that energy when away, so you have the power to do it at home too.

You are stronger than you think, creativity gives such freedom, don't lose it now your vacation is over.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

Chrysalis

Thanks Miss Pink,
Clearly I would keep the cards I have been dealth if forced to choose. Unfortunately those diseases, if left untreated ultimately lead to physical death but codependency does not lead to physical death - spiritual and/or emotional death certainly though. I don't always agree that the parallel between physical ailments and alcholism or codependency are the same because alcoholism is not entirely a physiological condition.

Cheers,
CoDeep

Chrysalis

Well, that is certainly thought provoking for me. Let's assume that you are correct in what you say. One of the reasons that maybe I was able to be 'free' of the issue may have been because my AH was not physically visible to me; the constant in my face reminder of my reality nor I did not once think about him either. Perhaps it was the change in venue?? When I am home and my AH is away on business I do also feel a certain amount of peace but I still have to walk through the area of the garage where he drank which is a constant reminder. I also, get into the same matrimonial bed alone knowing that he is sleeping in the spare room and that I have no desire to ever have him join me there. Or the empty spot at the dinner table where everyone knows he should be sitting with us but is never there sober or not- traveling or not.

Come to think of it, it is entirely possible that I need to change my living arrangement. I'll have to give that some more thought. I like your comment on being true to myself.

Thanksk for your imput.

FormerDoormat

The constant in-your-face situation is changeable. All the other items you're complaining about are changeable, too.

Alanon helped me learn to either accept things as they are or work towards changing them. As my grandfather used to say, "either sh*t or get off the pot."

Chrysalis

Your grandfather was a wise man!

I guess I should have posted in the Whiner's Forum. I went to another meeting lastnight, so that makes me 2 for 2. I am feeling much better now, I think I had a minor relapse.


thanks!

sailorjohn

Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself-which is what it really is-I try to remember how much I have to be grateful for. Think of how many out there have that issue, and never get to get away from it.