Just don't know what to do....sad/mad
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Just don't know what to do....sad/mad
Hello everyone. I wasn't going to post about this but every time I do I feel a little bit better.
For those that don't know or remember, my abf of almost 3 years was arrested several weeks ago for drinking. I called the cops because he showed up at the house and refused to leave, and he wasn't being nice and I had kids there, and he kicked my door. He has been physical twice in the past, and after asking several times, I called the police. Well after he went to jail that night, his mom called and said "I will never forgive you" and slammed the phone down. She is quite the enabler and it is always somebody else's fault when Chris gets in trouble, never his fault.
Well anyway, I have limited the contact with Chris to one visit a week and letters. So he told me to come and visit today, the other visit is for his mom, and that she was gonna come Friday. So I show up tonight, and she was there (with his two little ones). I politely said to her "Chris told me to come and visit tonight". She wouldn't even look at me and very sternly said "No, I'm here." So I told her to tell Chris I couldn't come back (which I can't, unless I go on my lunch hour, and if I do that, I will be gone longer than my hafl hour).
So then I leave, upset, mad, heck I don't know, I feel all different kinds of emotions. Is this a codependency issue? Partly, because I feel like I didn't have control. But the other part of me is upset with Chris. His family is obviously upset with me for calling the cops. That I understand, but if he plans to recover and then get out and us be together, at some point his family will have to come to terms with that, or else it will always be this hostility. What should I do? My girlfriend told me to write him a letter saying that until his family comes to terms with me and him, and the idea of it, that it isn't good for either one of our recovery to keep facing this hostility, and that I won't come and see him until they are ok with it, that it is nothing against him. I don't know. I want to be mad at someone and I feel mad at him for not standing up to them and taking ownership for going to jail (which he says he has, he has taken the blame when talking to me but I'm wondering if he does that for them). I'm sure it was just a mixup. Am I overreacting?
For those that don't know or remember, my abf of almost 3 years was arrested several weeks ago for drinking. I called the cops because he showed up at the house and refused to leave, and he wasn't being nice and I had kids there, and he kicked my door. He has been physical twice in the past, and after asking several times, I called the police. Well after he went to jail that night, his mom called and said "I will never forgive you" and slammed the phone down. She is quite the enabler and it is always somebody else's fault when Chris gets in trouble, never his fault.
Well anyway, I have limited the contact with Chris to one visit a week and letters. So he told me to come and visit today, the other visit is for his mom, and that she was gonna come Friday. So I show up tonight, and she was there (with his two little ones). I politely said to her "Chris told me to come and visit tonight". She wouldn't even look at me and very sternly said "No, I'm here." So I told her to tell Chris I couldn't come back (which I can't, unless I go on my lunch hour, and if I do that, I will be gone longer than my hafl hour).
So then I leave, upset, mad, heck I don't know, I feel all different kinds of emotions. Is this a codependency issue? Partly, because I feel like I didn't have control. But the other part of me is upset with Chris. His family is obviously upset with me for calling the cops. That I understand, but if he plans to recover and then get out and us be together, at some point his family will have to come to terms with that, or else it will always be this hostility. What should I do? My girlfriend told me to write him a letter saying that until his family comes to terms with me and him, and the idea of it, that it isn't good for either one of our recovery to keep facing this hostility, and that I won't come and see him until they are ok with it, that it is nothing against him. I don't know. I want to be mad at someone and I feel mad at him for not standing up to them and taking ownership for going to jail (which he says he has, he has taken the blame when talking to me but I'm wondering if he does that for them). I'm sure it was just a mixup. Am I overreacting?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
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Soconfused, you have every right to call the police on somebody who you feel is threatening you. And that's what you did. Don't listen to his mom. Do listen to your gut and your instincts about where to go from here.
It probably was a mix-up that both you and her were visiting at the same time. Too bad she could not be a reasonable human being, and suggest that maybe you could split the time for the visit? (I don't know if a jail even allows this).
Anyhow, you have to decide what behaviors are acceptable/not acceptable to you.
You are not overreacting. This is an upsetting situation, most of which is out of your control. You already know this....you can control only what you do/say/feel in this situation.
Sorry you're sad/mad...............hey, why don't you do something for yourself tonight that brings joy to your heart and a smile to your face?
Shivaya
It probably was a mix-up that both you and her were visiting at the same time. Too bad she could not be a reasonable human being, and suggest that maybe you could split the time for the visit? (I don't know if a jail even allows this).
Anyhow, you have to decide what behaviors are acceptable/not acceptable to you.
You are not overreacting. This is an upsetting situation, most of which is out of your control. You already know this....you can control only what you do/say/feel in this situation.
Sorry you're sad/mad...............hey, why don't you do something for yourself tonight that brings joy to your heart and a smile to your face?
Shivaya
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I don't think I'd hold my breath regarding his family having a change of heart. People in a dysfunctional family system who have assigned roles generally stay that way because (1) change scares them; (2) they are accustomed to their role; and, (3) they are getting something out of behaving the way they do.
Change is difficult for all of us. The question that comes to my mind is this: Why are you visiting a man in jail who has gotten "physical" with you? You tossed him in jail because he was getting violent and he refused to leave when you asked him to leave.
And, no, his family doesn't have to come to terms with squat. I'd suggest you come to terms with looking at why you want to consider a future, at this point, with a man who is acting out in a violent manner.
Change is difficult for all of us. The question that comes to my mind is this: Why are you visiting a man in jail who has gotten "physical" with you? You tossed him in jail because he was getting violent and he refused to leave when you asked him to leave.
And, no, his family doesn't have to come to terms with squat. I'd suggest you come to terms with looking at why you want to consider a future, at this point, with a man who is acting out in a violent manner.
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
prodigal, I totally understand what you are saying, and it is against my better judgment that I am even considering giving him yet another chance. He seems to be this "perfect recovering man" again and is saying all the right things, although I think I am finding manipulation in his letters still. I will post some of that tomorrow, it's getting late.
I am trying to get it in my head that he will drink again, and then if he chooses recovery once he is released, great, but if not, I want to be prepared for that, too.
It's hard to walk away all together, you know? It's like he says all these things and is doing it a lot better than he ever has before. He seems to have found God and is even quoting stuff from the bible in his letters.
I guess I have sort of fallen back into the trap again, if it is a trap.
And you are right, his family probably won't change and they are very close but to me all very disfunctional, but I have no room to talk because I have enabled Chris for a long time, also.
I am trying to get it in my head that he will drink again, and then if he chooses recovery once he is released, great, but if not, I want to be prepared for that, too.
It's hard to walk away all together, you know? It's like he says all these things and is doing it a lot better than he ever has before. He seems to have found God and is even quoting stuff from the bible in his letters.
I guess I have sort of fallen back into the trap again, if it is a trap.
And you are right, his family probably won't change and they are very close but to me all very disfunctional, but I have no room to talk because I have enabled Chris for a long time, also.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
He seems to have found God and is even quoting stuff from the bible in his letters.
.
.
Many of them get out of the clink and start drinking and drugging again.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
It's hard to walk away all together, you know?
Personally, I would want proof of change before I even thought about getting back together at all. I would want to live seperately and require proof of his recovery and that he was dealing with his anger issues. Then maybe, depending on how I was thining and feeling after X period of time, I might consider a future with the man. But as it stands now, for me I would need time apart even after he gets out of jail. Actions speak louder than words.
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If you consider taking him back to be against your "better judgment" then why would you choose to exercise lack of judgment by letting him right back into your life? What you are doing is a version of the classic, "Yes, but ..." sentence. "Yes, but I love him," "Yes, but he didn't hit me this time," "Yes, but he's reading the Bible and the Koran, and the Torah."
What you are doing is denying. Instead of trying to "get into your head" what HE is going to do or not do, I'd suggest you remove him from your head and your life for the time being. Yes, you are falling back into the trap; and it is a trap of your own making.
Now, take a deep breath and post what is going on inside YOUR head regarding YOU - not him. I've heard all about him. How about who you are, where you are going, and what you want. Pretend he doesn't exist.
So take the challenge and post an answer about Y-O-U.
What you are doing is denying. Instead of trying to "get into your head" what HE is going to do or not do, I'd suggest you remove him from your head and your life for the time being. Yes, you are falling back into the trap; and it is a trap of your own making.
Now, take a deep breath and post what is going on inside YOUR head regarding YOU - not him. I've heard all about him. How about who you are, where you are going, and what you want. Pretend he doesn't exist.
So take the challenge and post an answer about Y-O-U.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Personally, I would want proof of change before I even thought about getting back together at all. I would want to live seperately and require proof of his recovery and that he was dealing with his anger issues. Then maybe, depending on how I was thining and feeling after X period of time, I might consider a future with the man. But as it stands now, for me I would need time apart even after he gets out of jail. Actions speak louder than words.
What you are doing is denying. Instead of trying to "get into your head" what HE is going to do or not do, I'd suggest you remove him from your head and your life for the time being. Yes, you are falling back into the trap; and it is a trap of your own making.
Now, take a deep breath and post what is going on inside YOUR head regarding YOU - not him. I've heard all about him. How about who you are, where you are going, and what you want. Pretend he doesn't exist.
I don't know, I am trying to do more for me and my son, too. I made plans to paint his room over Spring Break in 2 weeks, so I am excited about that and also have many ideas of what I would like to do around the house. I am also getting a treadmill so I can start working out to lose the extra 10 pounds that have comfortably settled on my behind and other areas. I want happiness, I want peace and security. I have been going to Church and reading the bible, and went to an Al-Anon meeting. I have ordered a couple of books from Amazon, Getting them Sober and Battlefield of the Mind, but in the meantime I am reading a book about this magical discipline solution.
It's like initially when Chris went to jail, I felt good, or thought I did. But I think it wasn't happiness, but more relief that I didn't have to deal with the phone calls/verbal abuse anymore. After that wore off, then it hit me how messed up I still am.
Thanks for listening.
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11
Well this was my original intention. And also the same advice I am getting from a good friend and the Al-Anon counselor. I just don't think that Chris would be ok with not living with me. Not only that, but the only place he could go is to stay at his moms (he will be jobless and also not have a car). Well his uncle (who is also an alcoholic) lives there and I feel it would be very hard for Chris to work on recovery while there.
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
And I'm afraid that when he gets out he will drink and I will be back in the same trap.
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
So you do not view him as an adult? He can't make his own decisions but needs you to make those decisions for him?
You will be if you allow yourself to be drawn in and do not think of yourself and your children first.
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11
No, I know that he is an adult and it will be up to him if he chooses recovery or not, I just don't feel that I would be supporting him by refusing to let him live with me.
He will have choices when he gets out. So do you. Personally, I would focus on my needs and the needs of my children rather than him. Personally I would not choose to allow someone with a history of abusing me to move back into my space.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
I understand that you're trying to make better decisions for yourself. But in the meantime you're going to expose your son to domestic violence, letting him see your abf and you go through daily drama that is not healthy, and be around someone that is an active alcoholic?
I think your son deserves so much more. What message is this sending to your child?
I think your son deserves so much more. What message is this sending to your child?
Last edited by lexusgirl; 03-25-2008 at 08:24 AM.
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I need to chime in-A lot of awesome advice above! Prodigal hit it on the head more than a few times!
I lived with an A and I cannot even begin to tell you how many times that he was arrested while living with me and after I kicked him out. The violence both physically and emotionally that I allowed in my life as I look back now-was just devastating that I would do that to myself! I was injured, my dogs were injured-(one almost killed) My XABF and his family all blamed me for everything that happened! It is what they do-because they cannot allow themselves to believe that their son has problems because that would be admitting to their own faults! And in your case the family does not have to accept a thing! Sorry but everyone has a choice-And with that said.....
I love what LaTeeDa stated "What are you getting out of this relationship?"
He is an adult-his drinking is his choice! The choice is yours if you wish to continue to stay in a relationship where you are going to be riding on a roller coaster and IMHO get nothing out of it.
I made more excuses for mine-he will get sober and I will be there to support him and now 2 years later he is still drinking, was arrested for stalking me in November, dating women after women, and oh wait 4 DUI's. I stopped supporting him in many ways and I went to counseling and Al-Anon and SR! I opened my heart to my HP and started to do what I needed to do SUPPORT ME! and 2 years later guess who is more happy than they have been in over 10 years! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
I wish you the best
I lived with an A and I cannot even begin to tell you how many times that he was arrested while living with me and after I kicked him out. The violence both physically and emotionally that I allowed in my life as I look back now-was just devastating that I would do that to myself! I was injured, my dogs were injured-(one almost killed) My XABF and his family all blamed me for everything that happened! It is what they do-because they cannot allow themselves to believe that their son has problems because that would be admitting to their own faults! And in your case the family does not have to accept a thing! Sorry but everyone has a choice-And with that said.....
I love what LaTeeDa stated "What are you getting out of this relationship?"
He is an adult-his drinking is his choice! The choice is yours if you wish to continue to stay in a relationship where you are going to be riding on a roller coaster and IMHO get nothing out of it.
I made more excuses for mine-he will get sober and I will be there to support him and now 2 years later he is still drinking, was arrested for stalking me in November, dating women after women, and oh wait 4 DUI's. I stopped supporting him in many ways and I went to counseling and Al-Anon and SR! I opened my heart to my HP and started to do what I needed to do SUPPORT ME! and 2 years later guess who is more happy than they have been in over 10 years! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
I wish you the best
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soconfused - when I read your posts it seems to me you know exactly what it is you need to do.
The challenge is to take the risk and do it. I jumped off the cliff with the faith I would fly. Counseling might really help you understand why you believe it is your duty to allow another human being negatively affect you and your son's lives. It helped me.
Take care.
The challenge is to take the risk and do it. I jumped off the cliff with the faith I would fly. Counseling might really help you understand why you believe it is your duty to allow another human being negatively affect you and your son's lives. It helped me.
Take care.
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
wasn't he living with you before all this at one time?
and did THAT cure him? fix him? change him?
I hear what everyone is saying, and I do know what needs to be done, but doesn't anyone here think anyone recovers? At all, ever? I guess I just keep thinking that I would hate to walk away from him now if he is REALLY going to change this time, and then I have put myself (and son) through this and then walk away when he changes?
Chris has been physical twice, but has gone through anger management and also another lengthy program for domestic violence (court ordered, of course) and hasn't been physical with me since. He did kick my door, which was scary to me but he wasn't physical with me.
Doesn't anyone ever get better????????
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11
I hear what everyone is saying, and I do know what needs to be done, but doesn't anyone here think anyone recovers?
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11
Doesn't anyone ever get better????????
His words are lovely and probably just what you want to hear, huh? Do you think he might know that? Let him prove it with actions. I don't base my relationships on what people say anymore. I base them on what they do.
L
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